anger-a secondary emotion

Muscles clench, teeth grind together, you get an adrenaline rush,  heart beat speeds up,  hands ball into fists, body temperture increases, snap decisions are made, thinking shuts down.

These are just some of the ways anger can feel. In a previous blog we talked about how, although anger can be a scary and unpleasant emotion-- it is not all bad. It can communicate to us that our needs are not being met, that things feel out of our controle or that we have been violated.  It can motivate us to establish control over a situation.

Anger is actually a  "secondary" emotion. A "primary" feeling is the feeling we feel immediately before we feel angry.

"We almost always feel something else first before we get angry. We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as anger.... anger is like an iceberg in that only some of the emotions are visible. The other emotions exist "below the water line" where they are not immediately obvious to outside observers."

http://www.creducation.org/resources/anger_management/anger a secondary_emotion.html

If we focus only on the tip of our anger iceberg, we may not be able to identify what our unmet needs really are.   If all we are able to recognize is the anger --we won't be able to identify what is going to make us feel better.  But if we can learn to identify the underlying emotion (the feelings below the surface of our anger iceburg) we can then identify what course of action to take. 

By learning to identify our primary feelings, we may even avoid getting angry all together becuase our focus changes to how we can meet our own needs.

Some suggestions to responding to anger: http://core.eqi.org/eqe2012d.pdf

• Ask what you are afraid of, why is this bothering me?
• Ask what feelings preceded the anger.
• Ask what other feelings you are feeling.  
• What need is not being met?
• Ask what you are trying to control.  
• Ask what you can control.  
• Consider your options.  
• Choose the one which will bring you the most long term happiness.

Knowing that there are options-may lesson angry feelings. Sometimes just expressing your feelings can keep anger from escalating. What are some things that have worked for you?