Parenting, An Unexpected Trigger by Dawn Daum

This article is taken from the Huffingtonpost and adresses a topic not talked about enough ---parenting through triggers and creating a new legacy!

Dawn Daum  

Posted: 11/12/2014 12:03 pm EST Updated: 11/13/2014 11:59 am EST

People may ask, why open up old wounds by talking about abuse that happened to you in childhood? I'd say childhood abuse is a kill-shot, not a wound. It penetrates your soul, preventing your life from ever following the path it once did. So, why wouldn't we "open up the wound,",permitting ourselves to process and learn from the damage done? How else can one do that except to discuss, evaluate and re-evaluate the effects of the abuse as they play out in adulthood?

Telling the truth is what makes people aware. True awareness is comprehending that only 1-10% of child molestation cases are ever reported to the police and two-thirds to ninety percent of sexual abuse victims never tell anyone. This is a population of men and women who never received justice for what was done to them, and are left walking around with a secret festering inside of them. It's a poison that we'd be foolish not to believe seeps in to how we feel, how we think, how we act and how we parent.
                                              
Breastfeeding, bathing, diapering, experiencing genuine love, tender moments at bedtime, disciplining -- these are all new triggers I came up against as a new mom. The sadness and fury I felt when I searched and searched for books, articles, posts, anything that would help me feel less alone, didn't settle well with me. I had to get what I was feeling out of me.
I started to put my own fears, thoughts and reactions to all this on paper -- unfiltered. The result was a heavily-carved article about what it is like to raise a daughter as a survivor. The relief I felt and the response I received was a game-changer for me. It re-fueled the drive I once had to work on my own recovery and support others in theirs.

Joyelle Brandt, a fellow momma survivor, and I began working on building acommunity for parenting survivors. A connection that so many survivors are looking for, to defy the loneliness and shame. For the sake of ourselves, the generation we are raising and other survivors, we feel like we have to talk about what helps us move through the struggles we face.

Despite the joy I feel in creating new connections with people through my writing, I'm disheartened by a pattern I am starting to notice. Posts in which I share about being a survivor and advocate for others receive unprecedented hits for my blog. However, engagement and even likes are far and few in between. What does that say about the fear this topic evokes in survivors? I believe it says two things -- survivors learning that they are not alone in what they experience is something that is craved, yet associating oneself with even a "like," linking him or herself to the stigma of being damaged by abuse, is a very difficult thing to do.

I am a college-educated, resilient woman. I have an easygoing personality and I'm funny. I don't know what people picture when they think of someone who would dare admit that she was molested as a child, but I don't think it is me. Nor do I believe it is the face of the several female and male friends of mine who are also survivors living "normal" lives. I have no desire to sit and cry about what happened to me as a child; however, that doesn't mean I don't feel entitled to talk about what was done to me, and the effects that linger and intervene in my life because of it.
I am not an incapable parent because I admit that caring for my children, in the most basic of ways, can trigger me. I'm just a survivor that is sick to death of watching childhood abuse manifest as physical and mental symptoms, both in myself and those around me. I just want to give my kids a better life than I had. The only way I know how to do that is by telling the truth about what exactly fuels abusive cycles from the survivor's point of view.

If you are a parenting survivor, or want to learn more about what it is like for someone you care about that is, join our Facebook community. I hope you will consider contributing to our upcoming anthology, Trigger Points: An Abuse Survivors Experience of Parenting, as well. Everything you need to know about submitting a piece is on the Facebook page. I'm so incredibly passionate about this project. The next time a mother or father goes searching for support in stories that confirm he or she is not alone, I want them to find our stories, empowering them to tell their own.

Why do I act this way?-Triggers

"Due to the way traumatic memories are stored, when something arises in the present that reminds you of a past event, you may feel the feelings associated with the past event." -Aphrodite Matsakis, PHD)

These present day feelings are called triggers because they trigger the emotions that are associated to the trauma. In the present, your brain does not know the difference between a real threat and a threat that is stored in your mind. So when the adrenals are set off by a trigger that reminds you of your trauma you may feel as threatened, angry,confused, or bereaved as you did during your original trauma. This can result in nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, rage and other PTSD symptoms.

Your recaction to triggers may provoke negative reactions in others. It is important to remind yourself that you are entitled to your response. Despite what others think, your response is logical and rational considering the way the human brain works. Although these reactions are understable, they come at a cost. The decisions you make becuase of these reactions may even result in more pain and anger. So it IS important to learn to identify your triggers and learn to cope with them. I wanted to talk about the first step of Identifing your triggers.

Dr. Matsakis suggests doing a Trigger Chart. On a paper Lable the heading Trigger Chart, then draw three columns beneath it. Label the first column Trigger, The second column My Reaction, and the third Traumatic Memory. In that first column list the times that you feel the fight or flight feeling where you shut down or go numb. (This can be smells, sights, sounds, people, or objects that remind you of the trauma) In the second column write down your reactions (anger, rage, depression, shame, self hatred, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, isolatingyourself, overworking, craving, food alcohol or drugs, increased flahsbacks, increased pain such as headaches, backaches, increased chronic medical condition problems or others you can think of. In the third column trace your reaction to an original traumatic event.  Consider sharing this with a trusted friend or family member who might could help you identify more triggers.

All of these ideas come from a book I would recommend called.  I Can't Get Over It-A Handbook for Trauma Survivors.

Coping with Triggers/Flashbacks

1.Tell yourself that you are having a flashbackand that you are safe now.

2. Remind yourself that the worst is over.
The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event has already occurred and you survived. Now it is the time to let out the terror, rage, hurt, and/or panic. Now is the time to honour your experience.

3. Breathe.
When we get scared we stop breathing normally. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen, which in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings; pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, and dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, the panic feeling can decrease. Breathing deeply means breathing in so that your diaphragm expands. If you were to put your hand on your stomach, your stomach would push against your hand when you inhale.

4.Get grounded.
This means stamping your feet on the ground to remind yourself that you have feet and can get away now if you need to. (There may have been times before when you could not get away, now you can.) Being aware of all five senses can also help you ground yourself.

5.Reorient to the present.
Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colours in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds in the room: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair, or the floor supporting you.

6.Take the time to recover.
Flashbacks can be very powerful. Give yourself time to make the transition from this powerful experience. Don’t expect yourself to jump into other activities right away. Take a nap, a warm bath, or some quiet time. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Do not beat yourself up for having a flashback.

7.Honour your experience.
Appreciate yourself for having survived that horrible time. Respect your body’s need to experience a full range of feelings.

8.Be patient.
It takes time to heal. It takes time to learn appropriate ways of taking care of yourself and developing effective ways of coping in the here and now.

- The University of Alberta Sexual Assualt http://www.sac.ualberta.ca/

Triggers

I wanted to talk about triggers and what they are. We will talk in other blogs about how they are affecting your life and how to cope with them.

So what is a trigger? Some of you may be aware of your own triggers, others of you -may not be, or you may be aware of some of your triggers and not others.

A Trigger is anything that activites memories of your trauma. Triggers can be environmental such as sight, sound or taste, smell or texture or they can be feelings that were present during your abuse such as feeling fearful, feeling overwhelmed or out of controle.

The University of Alberta's Sexual Assualt Center (What is a Trigger?) gave some examples of triggers

Sight

• Often someone who resembles the abuser or who has similar traits or objects (ie. clothing, hair color, distinctive walk).
• Any situation where someone else is being abused (ie. anything from a raised eyebrow and verbal comment to actual physical abuse).
• The object that was used to abuse
• The objects that are associated with or were common in the household where the abuse took place (ie. alcohol, piece of furniture, time of year).
• Any place or situation where the abuse took place (ie. specific locations in a house, holidays, family events, social settings).

Sound

• Anything that sounds like anger (ie. raised voices, arguments, bangs and thumps, something breaking).
• Anything that sounds like pain or fear (ie. crying, whispering, screaming).
• Anything that might have been in the place or situation prior to, during, or after the abuse or reminds her/him of the abuse (ie. sirens, foghorns, music, cricket, chirping, car door closing).
• Anything that resembles sounds that the abuser made (ie. whistling, footsteps, pop of can opening, tone of voice).
• Words of abuse (ie. cursing, labels, put-downs, specific words used).

Smell

• Anything that resembles the smell of the abuser (ie. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, after shave, perfume).
• Any smells that resemble the place or situation where the abuse occurred (ie. food cooking ,wood, odors, alcohol).

Touch

• Anything that resembles the abuse or things that occurred prior to or after the abuse (ie. certain physical touch, someone standing too close, petting an animal, the way someone approaches you).

Taste

• Anything that is related to the abuse, prior to the abuse or after the abuse (ie. certain foods, alcohol, tobacco).

It is our hope that this site be a safe place that brings hope, healing, and knowledge.  It is also our hope that it is not a place that is too triggering. We know that this is a lofty goal and that there is no quarantee that things we or others may say will not trigger memories for you. We entrust each of you as you have the courage to share your own feelings and experiences that you each will ponder on how best to present your thoughts so as to not trigger others. We do see how our efforts not to trigger could lead to a site that is more educational or more fluff. That is not our desire either. We desire it to be a place that is REAL that you will feel understood and that you will relate to and learn from others. A place where you can know that you do not have to suffer alone!

Finding Peace

How do you find peace when you are living in a battle field of childhood sexual abuse or are “triggered” be nearly everything around you?  It is difficult to feel peace when you wake up from a vivid nightmare screaming or can hardly function at work due to repeated flashbacks of the abuse.  Most often survivors of childhood sexual abuse are manipulated and shamed into feeling that they caused the abuse to happen in some way, that they could have prevented it but didn’t, and that they are bad. How do you feel peace while feeling and believing all of these other things?

During moments of pain, deep sorrowful pain, is when we crave and NEED the peace offered by our Savior.  He can truly bring the peace we need to heal and overcome.  There are different ways to feel of His peace while healing.  At times I have felt really frustrated in the lack of peace I have felt while needing His guiding hand to heal and face something so dark and difficult.  The turmoil and pain would be all consuming and at times it was easy to think that death would be the only escape. 

“The Savior is the source of true peace. Even with the trials of life, because of the Savior’s Atonement and His grace, righteous living will be rewarded with personal peace. In the intimate setting of the Passover chamber, the Savior promised His Apostles that they would be blessed with the “Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost” and then uttered these important words: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.” Then just before His Intercessory Prayer: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” (Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness, Elder Cook)

Peace does not come through the world or vices of man.  There are many that lean upon alcohol, drugs, and other escapes to find temporary peace from the pain they feel.  There have been times in my life where I felt that regardless of what I was doing to feel peace it wasn’t working.  I started questioning if the only way I could find relief was through drinking or even cutting.  I knew my body was sacred and doing those things would go against the principles and standards of the LDS faith however I still felt a strong need to find relief almost any way I could.  I struggled to find peace from my Savior and didn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling His love while praying and pleading to Him.  Where was the peace I was suppose to feel from reading the scriptures, attending church and living as righteously as I could?

I do not have a good answer why at times I felt such a lack of peace but I do know that as I strived to live a life of righteousness, as difficult as it was in those dark moments of torment, lasting peace came.  

This video is an example to me of how personal righteousness in studying the Book of Mormon brought peace into others’ lives.