"Shame is, variously, an affect, emotion, cognition, state, or condition. The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning "to cover" as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame." (Lewis, Helen B)
Common Definition: A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
When I first saw this definition of shame it made me mad. It added to the feelings I have that I did something to cause the sexual abuse and that is why I am feeling so much shame. These feelings have lead me to think that I need to repent and that I am guilty for the abuse, that somehow I allowed it to happen and have sinned. On another side of feeling shamed I've thought, "I am just a retched, broken messed up person and that is why I am the way I am."
It is easy to believe that the shame you feel from experiencing childhood sexual abuse is your fault. We must remember that shame does come from "wrong or foolish behavior" but that does not mean it comes from our "wrong or foolish behavior" but rather the abusers. I am often told that the shame I feel is not my shame and I do not need to carry it. Its is the shame of the abuser. Easier said than done, it's a work in progress.
Normally I am a really social person, great with eye contact, keeping a conversation going, and comfortable in conversations. As I've been meeting with a counselor and talking about the sexual abuse I've experienced shame completely overcomes me. It becomes impossible to even look towards my counselor let alone make eye contact. The shame, humiliation, embarrassment, and intense feelings I have as I share those dark experiences are so strong all I want to do is hide my face.They day I am able to talk about the abuse and look someone in the eye while doing so will be a major victory as small as it may seem.
The Power of Sharing
There is great power that comes in sharing the experiences we have gone through in an appropriate way. The quote below is referring to the addiction recovery program but the principles of sharing are the same.
“One critical source of help is mutual support...So many people with an
addiction [or abusive past] feel like they’re broken or that they’re the only one in the
Church with a problem. They go to church and feel like everyone around
them seems so perfect while they have this terrible, ugly secret."
“When people with addiction [or abusive past]...meet people with similar challenges, they find
support, and the stigma goes away. Lifting that shame is so powerful, so
healing—and almost at once they begin to feel the Savior’s love."
(Dr. Ben Erwin, LDS Family Services, ARP)
(Dr. Ben Erwin, LDS Family Services, ARP)
"Many survivors feel that they have few people to whom they can talk, or
from whom they can seek and receive support. However, it is important
not to try to recover from your abuse in a vacuum. Learning to trust
others and to turn to them for support is a crucial step in recovery.
Doing so challenges one of the basic notions arising from a history of
abuse: namely, that people are dangerous. Trust your own feelings.
Choose people who are interested in you and who can engage with your
situation."
"Disclosing your experiences will rob the abuse of its potency. Even
though the effects of abuse cannot be completely erased, they can
certainly be diminished, and coped with in a healthier way." (www.asca.org)
For those who are on the other end of sharing, those listening to a survivor, here are a few helpful tips. Remember each survivor of childhood sexual abuse is different. Each person needs different things including you. These suggestions are from Olga Trujillo, a fellow survivor.
- Listen
- Believe
- Ask questions to better understand
- Be transparent (be honest)
- Learn more about survivors of childhood sexual abuse
Service
As I've tried to open up and *safely* share with others about my past not only do I find power and relief from the shame but others are strengthened as well. It is hard to open up and share parts of your past but remembering that sharing is also an act of service can give you the strength you need to step into the dark.
"Survivors of sexual assault who publicly speak out create change in the
silence that surrounds this crime. Your act of speaking out can end the
false sense of shame that survivors often carry. Seeing you cast off
the shame may inspire them to do the same."
"Your act of speaking out has the power to heal and change on a broader scale than you may know; never doubt it."
We must make sure when we do feel ready
to share we do so in an appropriate setting. It would not be
appropriate to share our experiences of childhood sexual abuse over the
pulpit in sacrament meeting.
Sharing can also be as simple as re-posting this blog post on Facebook or sharing the link to a loved one prior to talking with them about your experiences.
"I have experienced the sense that not only does
speaking out help other survivors feel less isolated, but that I, too,
feel less alone as I join with others engaged in the same battle. It is
also richly empowering to have transformed my experiences into the
ability to offer something worthwhile to other survivors.
In speaking out, you become part of destroying the
forces that have harmed and hurt you. This has been one of the greatest
expedients to my own healing. It is just such a fine way to fight back
and can reduce one’s own fear and shame. There is even a little thrill
of vengeance towards those who attempted to silence me.
It’s very important that survivors only proceed if they feel ready, not because they think they should."
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