PTSD and Holidays

Although this article often refers to the veteran with PTSD -it also applies to those suffering from PTSD due to past abuse-

http://www.sidran.org/pdf/PTSDandholidays.pdf

Most people do not realize that people with PTSD have anniversary reactions. Holidays
may also be anniversaries of trauma and bring up a lot of pain. This is one of the most
distressing forms of reexperiencing for survivors and their families.

If the survivor doesn't recognize that this is one of the symptoms of PTSD, he or she may
feel like Scrooge instead of like a normal human being who went through hell at that time
of the year.

If the family doesn't understand that this is a PTSD anniversary reaction, they may be
very angry at the survivor. "What is wrong with you?" is a heart-rending, humiliating
question when the survivor doesn't know why s/he reacts like this.

If your veteran spent a particularly horrible Christmas seeing villagers lose all they had,
seeing friends die, seeing the fat cats in the rear partying while the troops were suffering,
he may have a hard time with Christmas. If your abusive father tore up the Christmas tree
every year, if your uncle molested you at the family get together when you were eight, if
you got mugged while out Christmas shopping, or date raped after an office party, or if
your violent family pretended nothing was wrong during the holidays, these upcoming
holidays may be a hard time for you. This is a normal reaction.

Holidays are also a really stressful time for many trauma survivors because they seem to
reinforce the outsiderness of being a survivor of trauma. Everyone else seems so happy
while your guts are twisted into knots as you think about past events. For veterans and
other survivors, this pain can be compounded by grief for lost friends and their families
who now face the holidays without those loved ones who didn't survive. Guilt may also
rear its painful head. Why did I survive?

The financial difficulties many trauma survivors experience are highlighted by the
commercialization of the holidays. There are a lot of pressures to conform.

One of my first healthy actions in my marriage was to decide that Bob didn't have to
celebrate Christmas after he came back from Vietnam. I loved it so I should celebrate it
and let him be him. I have no idea where that idea came from but it saved me a lot of
fights. Today I look back on it as a miracle, accepting Bob as he was, and detaching in a
healthy way. I think this is an important point for all trauma survivors and their families:
Let the people who love the holiday celebrate it, and the people for whom it brings pain
don't have to. This may cause problems with the extended family or the kids, but treating
the survivor with respect is one healing way to frame it: "We have to respect other
people's feelings and limits," can be a healthy way to put it.

We can also create our own ways of celebrating the holidays. We don't have to conform
to a rigid commercial stereotype of piles of expensive gifts and big gatherings. As a
matter of fact one thing that trauma can bring you face to face with is the value of people
as opposed to things. We're starting a tradition in our crowd this year (a number of whom are trauma survivors and veterans) of homemade, recycled, or under $5 gifts. Ingenuity
and fun!

Many survivors are not comfortable in crowds or at parties, but a quiet meaningful
celebration, say singing carols in the living room with just the tree lights on, may be
something they can participate in. They may not want to trim the tree, but going out to
cut it down or pick it out may be okay. I am mentioning Christmas traditions here
because that is what I grew up with, but I'm sure that Hanukkah and Kwanzaa
celebrations can be as low-keyed and spiritual as the survivor needs them to be.

Survivors may need to create new rituals to help in their healing. For instance a veteran
who lost friends in combat on Christmas may want to feed the homeless (many of whom
are combat veterans) instead of participating in a big family dinner with people who may
or may not appreciate his service. He may need to go to a special place and tell his lost
buddies how much he misses them and wishes they had lived. Someone else may want to
help provide Christmas presents for children of poor families or for other survivors of
trauma. The range of possibilities is limited only by the imagination.

If all you want to do is stay drunk or stoned through the holidays, it might be good to find
help instead. No one wants to be providing traumatic memories for the next generation.
What you do while drunk or stoned can be pretty unpleasant for others, and especially
painful for family members of both the spouse variety and the small-fry variety. 12 step
meetings happen even on holidays like Christmas and New Year's. I'm going to be at my
ACOA meeting Christmas Eve. Sobriety is better than big presents. Harder, too.

Crass commercialization and shop till you drop take the fun out of the holiday for me. So
does having religion shoved down my throat, but I find that I can celebrate the birth of a
child who represents all children to me and use it as an opportunity for me to do good in
the world. Perhaps you and your family can do the same.
Holiday Helps: Asking for input and creating family traditions:

As I mentioned before, when Jack was a kid, he and I had our own Christmas without
making Bob participate. This is called politeness, although my principal reason was
selfishness, wanting my kind of Christmas. Selfishness created a healthy boundary in that
case.

Something I didn't think of at the time was asking for input, which is also polite. Rituals
For Our Times, by Evan Imber-Black and Janine Roberts (Harper, 1992, $12.00) has a
wonderful chapter on holidays and a whole section called "Making Meaningful Rituals."
Among other things, they suggest that planning, discussing and getting input from family
members can prevent disappointments. Planning small changes in existing family
traditions instead of trying to change everything at once is also easier.

Sometimes family traditions are out of balance and only please one side of the family or
one spouse or whatever. To fix this, ask what the other person would like to do for the
holidays. Say something like: "Maybe we could figure out some new things we could do that we would all like and could do together. Then the kids and I could do the stuff we
like without pushing you to be involved."

Your spouse may never have thought about what he or she would like to do. I suggest not
expecting an answer right away-maybe not even till next year. Just let him or her know
you are interested in discussing it and open to change. People resist doing things they
haven't been involved in. Planning or contributing to an event can give them a sense of
being valued and having some control.

One final point, without them being aware of it, some traditional activities may clash with
issues of safety for survivors. For instance, if Vince Veteran never puts up the Christmas
lights despite endless nagging, perhaps it is because in Vietnam the night belonged to
Charlie. By lighting up the house at night, he is attracting attention to his nearest and
dearest, the kind of attention that could get you killed in Vietnam. Bringing this to
consciousness--the need to keep the family safe--may help him get such a natural need
met in a more appropriate way--like buying new tires for the car or better locks for the
doors. Examining your traditions with that in mind can be rewarding.

Let go of outdated traditions or modify them to suit today. With our without the help of
your survivor, you can sit down with whoever else in the family wants to celebrate. Have
each person list what is fun for him or her. Do the things everyone likes doing. Let go of
what has become a burden or what you think others should do or you should do. You can
always go back to doing something if you miss it! Example: I like filling stockings for
everyone and I thought they should fill mine. Now I get my own stocking stuffers. It is a
lot of fun getting a stocking full of stuff I really like instead of an empty one full of hard
feelings. I've also dropped creamed onions, cornbread dressing and mince pie!

Discussing what the family might like to do can be empowering for your children
because it gives them a chance to move on to more age appropriate activities as they
grow up. This may be hard for the parents, but I suggest that you can hang your own
stockings or have your own quiet holiday dinner.

Some new family traditions you might try:

Looking up at the stars can be a beautiful experience of the glory of nature. According to
December's Discover magazine, this December [1997] the sky is going to be swarming
with planets at twilight. "Every bright 'star' to the left of the sunset is a planet... This is a
show that airs before prime time, so observe early. After 9 PM only Saturn remains...
This year the natural holiday lights are on display for even the youngest of Earth's
appreciative sky watchers."

Get out of the house: Making snow angels is one of my favorite pastimes. There is
nothing that helps me recreate the feeling of being a happy kid again like falling over
backwards into the snow and waving my arms and legs. Too bad it never snows in
Florida! Snow men, snowball fights (no ice balls, please), snow forts, snowy walks, cross
country skiing, sledding, ice skating all can be family fun activities. In the south, walks in the woods, canoeing, kayaking, fishing, bicycle rides are still options.

Decorating with natural materials is another thing I like to do. Grapevine wreaths with
gold or silver pinecones, magnolia cones, acorns, berries and any weird seed pods I can
find give me a sense of satisfaction no store bought wreath ever brought. Look around
and be inventive. I also have a wreath made of rusty barbwire which my friend Marci
gave me. As a survivor, she feels a little Scroogey at Christmas. I like it!

Recycled and home made decorations (and gifts) bring family members together,
minimize the wastage of natural resources, and increase our own resourcefulness and
independence in a healthy creative way. For some of us it is important not to contribute to
corporate profits. Paper chains and pomanders (oranges covered with cloves) are great
home made decorations. Buying cloves in bulk at an oriental grocery store or a health
food store makes pomanders affordable. They smell great!

Doing stuff for others. One veteran I know has been feeding the homeless for the last
nine years on holidays.

I buy books to contribute to the local newspaper's Christmas book giving program for
disadvantaged kids. This is a living amends to a poor little girl to whom Jack wanted to
give one of his books when he was 5. I wouldn't let him.

Battered women's shelters always need stuff as do homeless shelters, nursing homes,
hospitals and churches.

You can adopt a family if you are well off, or contribute a few cans of food or a toy if
you are not. Whatever you give will benefit you as well as those you help. Altruistic
people actually are healthier than those who are not!

You can do any of these as a memorial to someone who was lost or abused.

Doing stuff for yourself: Provide yourself with something you didn't get that you needed.
Maybe this is a grown woman buying her inner child a Barbie doll, maybe it is a veteran
presenting himself with a certificate of thanks for his service. Look inside. People who
love you would like to do this for you, too. Let them know if they can help somehow.

Ask people what you could get them within your price range. Tell people what you want.
Talking about presents is hard for some of us. I thought I should be able to find the
perfect present with no input. Now I ask. I used to expect Bob to know what I liked and
wanted. Now I give him guidelines.

Our crowd is having a homemade, recycled or under $5.00 Christmas again. We gave
each other some really funny presents last year. If someone has given you something
expensive you hated, this year you can recycle it to someone who might like it. I get
wonderful containers at garage sales and fill them with cookies or rum balls or spiced
pecans so it is homemade and recycled!
Talk to each other: Go for the quiet evening at home together. Many of us never sit down
and talk because we are so swept away in the demands of daily living. Make a date and
simply talk. What about? About what the holidays and/or the family means to you.

Accept the fact that kids are naturally self-centered and needy but can develop great
kindness. A parents job is not to suppress these natural characteristics, but to encourage
awareness of others and empathy. People used to think small children were little demons,
but they are actually very kind and willing to give of themselves and help others. One
great family tradition is to tell them that some little kids need toys and help them weed
out ones they want to give away.

Give each child something that will give him or her a feeling of specialness. It needn't be
expensive. Magic markers and a pad of paper gave Jack many wonderful hours of fun. I
still treasure his creations.¦

Happy Holidays

 Patience Mason

Copyright Patience H. C, Mason, 1997. First published in The Post-Traumatic Gazette
#16. All rights reserved, except that permission is hereby granted to freely reproduce and
distribute this document, provided the text is reproduced unaltered and entire (including
this notice) http://www.patiencepress.com