Guest Post - Alace Fox: Life Hurts Less That Wa

Alice again. 

 

     It's been really hard these last few weeks, though I don't know why I haven't accepted this as the norm yet. Sometimes I feel normal. Sometimes I fell as though I am waiting for Satan to drag me back to hell. Sometimes I fell like I am walking myself strait to hell. I don't much care for it all. 

     I think that perhaps part of the reason life has been so difficult recently (though by no means close to the whole reason, or a majority of the why) is that I have been reading one of my favorite books Mistborn. The main character in the story is a teen age girl named Vin who grew up on the streets in 'crews' that rob the rich to survive. Her whole life is fear, and staying alive one more day. Then she discovers she has magic (yes it is a fantasy) and her life changes. Vin gets in on a new crew where the team operates on trust instead of self defense. A bunch more stuff happens, the world ends, nobody is happy, and everyone dies. Its a really good book; you should read it. 

     As the story goes along you travel with Vin through her journey between fear of betrayal and choosing to trust. Brandon Sanderson, the author, does amazing at creating whole persons, not just characters, and you get really sucked into Vin's struggle, which is trust. Trust is pretty well my least favorite subject on the face of the planet. To me trust is pain.

                             

     To trust someone means that you think they will bring more happiness than they will pain, but there will still be pain. You see, the problem is everybody lies, and everybody leaves; and all that's left is pain. Friendships are more of convenient relationships. People who said they would be 'there' get married, or move, or normally both. Folks say they will support you, and then don't. Someone gets to busy to consider me human, and worth a 10 second text. I guess I don't mean much. And if they don't leave, I will. To me people just mean betrayal and pain. It is simply a matter of when, and if the returns are greater than the cost. It sucks, but I know this is how life operates. 

                      

     I was talking to my therapist about this, 'cause ya know, it's a problem if you want to ever have real relationships without trusting anyone. We of course went back to trauma stuff and how that affected everything. I remembered that after all the bad things happened my mom had a short and very poor conversation with me about it. It left me knowing that I was a bad little girl. 

     Somewhere along the therapy process that day I realized that everyone must lie, and everyone must leave because that would mean that my mom didn't choose to abandon me, she would have had to. If everyone is going to betray me it means my mom might have still loved me and chosen to keep me, but couldn't- instead of being left as the bad girl in the corner that was never the good girl mom really wanted. 

     These aren't very pleasant thoughts. I, however, still decided to share them because trust is something that most survivors rightly struggle with, and perhaps one of ya'll (If there actually is anyone who reads this blog) might relate to it. Maybe this will help you. I hope so. Life is hard, and you deserve good.