Gods Createst Creation.

"In the premortal realm we learned that the body was part of God’s great plan of happiness for us. As it states in the family proclamation: “Spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life” (Susan W. Tanner Ensign Oct 2005.)

Those of you who have had your physical bodies abused may have a hard time believing that the body is gods createst creation--let alone part of a plan for happines. Through another's action, your body has been a source of great pain. It was not treated as the precious gift from god that it is. It has been desecrated and treated as if it had no worth. Many who have been abused as children, struggle with loving their bodies. Some may even hate their bodies. Some of you unknowingly continue to abuse your bodies..wether it is through eating disorders, self harming behaviors, substance abuse, or sexual behaviors.

"Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body, and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect." (Susan W. Tanner Ensign Oct 2005.)

Our spirit, mind and body are all interconnected. We cannot misuse one without it affecting the others. How then, can your body begin to be a source of joy for you?  Some of the self soothing we have talked about in the past-- are ways to remind yourselves of the wonderful sensory abilities our bodies have. How else can you begin today treating your body better?

Validation

Childhood abuse teaches you that you don't matter. That you are on object to be preyed upon. And when children get the courage to share about their abuse -their experience and feelings are sometimes not validated. Too often children are not believed. And as these children grow into adults they continue to find that their feelings are not validated. I don't believe this is always intentional. You may have people in your life who have validated your experience and supported you and yet still in a moment of a flashback, fear, grief, or whatever feelings that follow-they just do not understand. They may say hurtful things or may expect healing to come too quickly. It is important for you to feel validated.

It might be helpful to give what I have pasted below -to those you are close to.  You could talk about ways they can help you feel more validated. You can also validate yourself. It is important that you learn to validate your own feelings. 


VALIDATION

To validate someone is to accept, understand and nurture their feelings. To validate is to acknowledge and accept one's unique identity and individuality. When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. A few keys to validation are:

- Acknowledging the other person's feelings

- Identifying the feelings

- Offering to listen

- Helping them label the feelings

- Being there for them; remaining present

- Being patient

- Being accepting and non-judgmental


Here are some examples of validating comments:

I can see that you are really upset.

That must have left you feeling hopeless

You seem worried, troubled, scared, etc.


Here are a few questions which help the person release their feelings.

What bothers you the most about it?

How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0-10)?

How come? How so? How's that?

It sounds like you are really feeling ____. Is that it?

What else bothered you______?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us. Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way.  http://core.eqi.org/eqe2012d.pdf

"God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes"-More on hope

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Studies show that hopeful people make healthier lifestyles choices, recover from illness and injury faster, do better in school and live longer lives. They have less depression and anxiety, higher life satisfaction and mental health. When problems arise, they are more likely to persevere, solve problems more effectively and adapt better to change. Hopeful people have more positive relationships and are better able to seek for and receive social support.
Child abusers have a way of extinquishing hope from their victims. And there have and will be times when you have felt there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

President Thomas S. Monson promises us that, “regardless of how desperate things may seem or how desperate they may yet become, … you can always have hope. Always.”

He says, “At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. … If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face......“Ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of hisresurrection, to be raised unto life eternal” (Moroni 7:41).

This is the ultimate of all we might hope for. To possess this hope is to believe that today’s pain is only a way station on the road to deliverance. It requires patience with current circumstances. It is the belief that there will be a coming day when “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain” (Revelation 21:4).   (“Looking Back and Moving Forward,” Ensign, May 2008, 90.)

So how can we increase our hope. Rusell Ballard gave a beautiful talk called  “The Joy of Hope Fulfilled,” (Ensign, Nov. 1992, 32) and suggested some steps.

1. Trust in God.
2. Focus on the positive.
3. Identify and challenge negative beliefs.
4. Associate with hopeful people and environments
5. Develop confidence.
6. Improve self-control.
7. Discover unexpected benefits.
8. Rejoice in life’s small victories.
9. Take care of yourself.

We have adressed some of these steps in previous blogs and we will adress them in future blogs. What continues to give you hope?

Myths and Facts of Sexual Abuse in Boys

I have copied and pasted this article from a good resource on men who have been sexually abused as children. Please refer to this site.  https://1in6.org/

Before addressing the myths, let’s review some key facts:

1. Boys and men can be sexually used or abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.
2. If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault.
3. Sexual abuse harms boys and girls in ways that are similar and different, but equally harmful.
4. Boys can be sexually abused by both straight men and gay men. Sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.
5. Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual, a boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause or the result of sexual abuse. By focusing on the abusive nature of sexual abuse rather than the sexual aspects of the interaction, it becomes easier to understand that sexual abuse has nothing to do with a boy’s sexual orientation.
6. Girls and women can sexually abuse boys. The boys are not “lucky,” but exploited and harmed.
7. Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to sexually abuse others.

Myth 1 — Boys can’t be sexually used or abused, and if one is, he can never be a “real man.”

Everyone absorbs the myth that males aren’t victims, to some extent. It’s central to masculine gender socialization, and boys pick up on it very early in life. This myth implies that a boy or man who has been sexually used or abused will never be a “real man.” Our society expects males to be able to protect themselves. Successful men are depicted as never being vulnerable, either physically or emotionally.
Whether you agree with that definition of masculinity or not, boys are not men. They are children. They are weaker and more vulnerable than those who sexually abuse or exploit them – who use their greater size, strength and knowledge to manipulate or coerce boys into unwanted sexual experiences and staying silent. This is usually done from a position of authority (e.g., coach, teacher, religious leader) or status (e.g. older cousin, admired athlete, social leader), using whatever means are available to reduce resistance, such as attention, special privileges, money or other gifts, promises or bribes, even outright threats.
What happens to any of us as children does not need to define us as adults or men. It is important to remember that that 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before age 18 and that those boys can grow up to be strong, powerful, courageous and healthy men. Examples are found on our website, and there are many others out there.

Myth 2 — If a boy experienced sexual arousal during abuse, he wanted and/or enjoyed it, and if he ever did partly want the sexual experiences, then they were his fault.

Many boys and men believe this myth and feel lots of guilt and shame because they got physically aroused during the abuse. It is important to understand that males can respond to sexual stimulation even in situations that are traumatic or painful. That’s just how male bodies and brains work. Those who sexually use and abuse boys know this. They often attempt to maintain secrecy, and to keep the abuse going, by telling the child that his sexual response shows he was a willing participant and complicit in the abuse. “You wanted it. You liked it,” they say.
But that doesn’t make it true. Boys are not seeking to be sexually abused or exploited. They can, however, be manipulated into experiences they do not like, or even understand, at the time.
There are many situations where a boy, after being gradually manipulated with attention, affection and gifts, feels like he wants such attention and sexual experiences. In an otherwise lonely life (for example, one lacking in parental attention or affection – even for a brief period), the attention and pleasure of sexual contact from someone the boy admires can feel good.
But in reality, it’s still about a boy who was vulnerable to manipulation. It’s still about a boy who was betrayed by someone who selfishly exploited the boy’s needs for attention and affection to use him sexually.

Myth 3 — Sexual abuse is less harmful to boys than girls.

Most studies show that the long term effects of sexual abuse can be quite damaging for both males and females. One large study, conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, found that the sexual abuse of boys was more likely to involve penetration of some kind, which is associated with greater psychological harm.
The harm caused by sexual abuse mostly depends on things not determined by gender, including: the abuser’s identity, the duration of the abuse, whether the child told anyone at the time, and if so, whether the child was believed and helped.
Many boys suffer harm because adults who could believe them and help are reluctant, or refuse, to acknowledge what happened and the harm it caused. This increases the harm, especially the shame felt by boys and men, and leads many to believe they have to “tough it out” on their own. And that, of course, makes it harder to seek needed help in the midst of the abuse, or even years later when help is still needed.

Myth 4 — Most men who sexually abuse boys are gay.

Studies about this question suggest that men who have sexually abused a boy most often identify as heterosexual and often are involved in adult heterosexual relationships at the time of abusive interaction. There is no indication that a gay man is more likely to engage in sexually abusive behavior than a straight man and some studies even suggest it is less likely. But sexual abuse is not a sexual “relationship,” — it’s an assault. The sexual orientation of the abusive person is not really relevant to the abusive interaction. A man who sexually abuses or exploits boys is not engaging in a homosexual interaction – any more than men who sexually abuse or exploit girls are engaging in heterosexual behavior. He is a deeply confused individual who, for various reasons, desires to sexually use or abuse a child, and has acted on that desire.

Myth 5 — Boys abused by males must have attracted the abuse because they are gay or they become gay as a result.

There are different theories about how sexual orientation develops, but experts in human sexuality do not believe that sexual abuse or premature sexual experiences play a significant role. There is no good evidence that someone can “make” another person be homosexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a complex issue and there is no single answer or theory that explains why someone identifies himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bi-sexual.
It is common, however, for boys and men who have been abused to express confusion about their sexual identity and orientation, whether they identify as straight, gay or bi-sexual. Some guys who identify as heterosexual, fear that, due to their experiences as boys, they must “really” be homosexual. They may believe this would mean that they can’t be a “real man,” as defined by the larger society. Even men who clearly indentify as heterosexual, and men who project very traditional heterosexual traits , may fear that others will “find them out” as gay or not real men. Men who identify as gay or bi-sexual may wonder if their sexual orientation was influenced in any way by the abusive experience or may even be the cause of their orientation.
Also, many boys abused by males wonder if something about them sexually attracted the person who abused them and will unknowingly attract other males who will misuse them. While these are understandable fears, they are not true. One of the great tragedies of childhood sexual abuse is how it robs a person’s natural right to discover his own sexuality in his own time.
It is very important to remember that abuse arises from the abusive persons’s failure to develop and maintain healthy adult sexual relationships, and his or her willingness to sexually use and abuse kids. It has nothing to do with the preferences or desires of the child who is abused, and therefore cannot determine a person’s natural sexual identity.

Myth 6 — If a female used or abused a boy, he was “lucky,” and if he doesn’t feel that way there’s something wrong with him.

This myth, like several of the others, comes from the image of masculinity that boys learn from very early. It says not only that males can’t be sexually abused, but that any sexual experience with girls and women, especially older ones, is evidence that he’s a “real man.” Again, the confusion comes from focusing on the sexual aspect rather than the abusive one – the exploitation and betrayal by a more powerful, trusted or admired person (who can be a child or adult).
In reality, premature, coerced or otherwise abusive or exploitive sexual experiences are never positive – whether they are imposed by an older sister, sister of a friend, baby sitter, neighbor, aunt, mother, or any other female in a position of power over a boy. At a minimum, they cause confusion and insecurity. They almost always harm boys’ and men’s capacities for trust and intimacy.
A gay man who experienced sexual arousal when abused by a female may wonder whether it means that he is actually straight or wonder what it means that he was chosen by a woman or older girl.
Being sexually used or abused, whether by males or females, can cause a variety of other emotional and psychological problems. However, boys and men often don’t recognize the connections between what happened and their later problems. To be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is never a good thing, and can cause lasting harm.

Myth 7 — Boys who are sexually abused will go on to abuse others

This myth is especially dangerous because it can create terrible fear in boys and men. They may not only fear becoming abusers themselves, but that others will find out they were abused and believe they’re a danger to children. Sadly, boys and men who tell of being sexually abused often are viewed more as potential perpetrators than as guys who need support.
While it is true that many (though by no means all) who sexually abuse children have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most boys who are sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others. The majority of boys do not go on to become sexually abusive as adolescents or adults; even those who do perpetrate as teenagers, if they get help when they’re young, usually don’t abuse children when they become adults.

Believing these myths is understandable, but dangerous and harmful, and needs to be overcome.

• These are myths that everyone absorbs growing up, and continues to hear as adults, usually without even thinking about it. So of course some boys and men will, at least for a while, believe them and suffer the consequences.
• So long as societies believe these myths, and teach them to children from their earliest years, many men harmed by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences won’t get the recognition and help they need.
• So long as boys or men harmed by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences believe these myths, they will feel ashamed and be less likely to seek whatever knowledge, understanding and help they need to achieve the lives they want and deserve.
• So long as boys, men and society as a whole believes these myths and males don’t get the help they need, males are more likely to join the minority who end up hurting others.
• And so long as these myths are believed, it increases the power of another devastating myth: that it was the child’s fault. It is never the fault of the child in a sexual situation – although some people are skilled at getting those they use or abuse to take on a responsibility that is always, and only, their own.

Questions and Answers about grief.

I must thank the Pandora Project. (www.pandys.org) They have given me permission to post things from their blog that I find helpful. They are a wonderful resource for survivors of rape and sexual abuse. In 2009 they had an interview with therapist Allyson Maida. I am pasting below the conversation. I was wanting to talk about grief and I will do this some more later. Grief and mourning for the life that should have been, for the loss of innocence and for all the losses that have come as a result of your abuse is a real part of the healing process. (SA refers to Sexual abuse.)


Jennifer: Hi everyone, thank you for coming tonight! Our guest speaker is Allyson Maida, CSW, and she is a therapist, consultant, and speaker. She has received a variety of award and acclamations and we are very lucky to have her some and speak with us tonight. Allyson will discuss the grief we feel as survivors, and how to heal from it.
 
Member question: Why do so many people feel like they are completely lost after surviving SA?

AllysonMaida: Everyone is born with a basic sense of trust. This is why bonding and early impressions are discussed so often in studies. When the basic level of trust that is firmly planted in the core of who we are is violated. It is in direct opposition to what we believe. This leads to us feeling lost and out of synch.

Member question: That makes sense Allyson. I have always heard that grief is limited to experiencing someone else’s death. Why do I feel so filled with grief?

AllysonMaida: First, trauma is trauma no matter how you look at it. When your core beliefs have been compromised, you are left alone to consider the situation. It sits in your mind. SA is one of the few crimes that has social consequences that are unfavorable. This is a lonely place. Lost and alone, we are separated from the world we have known - it is a place of sadness and grief.

Member question: How do I know that I am healing as I grieve?

AllysonMaida: First, let's understand that grieving is very important. It is your mind's recognition that something irreconcilable has occurred. Grieving is a means of working things through. It is about going through a process of understanding in a place where things may not be easy to understand at all. As you move through the different emotions that you feel while grieving, you are working your way towards health on your own terms - I have told many people that time doesn't heal anything. But time does give you more time to figure out how to cope.

Member question: What is happening when I have a few gooddays and then out of the blue, I have a really bad day?

AllysonMaida: It is our mind's job - actually your brain's job - to keep you healthy. If you spend all of your time thinking about upsetting information you will become unwell. Your mind seeks distractions that remove you from the problem - temporarily - so that you can progress with living. The time where someone is triggered - and recall brings them back to the trauma - it is your signal that you can manage some of the information - no matter how horrible. This is when it is best to reach out for support. I should add that this is your mind's mechanism to create balance.

Member question: I see so many posts talking about sadness and grief. Are there any specific stages to this and what does that have to do with sexual abuse?

AllysonMaida: Yes, the most famous are those created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross many years ago. If you can remember the term "DABDA" it will help you to know the stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. SA is many things, one of which, is a formula for someone feeling intense loss. These stages help to process the trauma and come to terms with how we want to live life. Many people have said that SA is a form of inner death. Many people have also come to a place where the denial, anger, depression and bargaining have passes and they have come to accept that this happened and are determined to heal.

Member question: If one more person tells me that I should "just move on," I am going to scream. I would love to but no matter what I have done, or what I have tried to listen to I can't seem to do it. Why is that?

AllysonMaida: Move on is such a bad term. It is usually used by people who cannot understand your trauma. Most people would love to "move on", but that is not realistic. Basically, your mind has been "blown away" by something that is literally unimaginable. The only time someone just moves on is when they cannot, or decide not, to deal with the trauma - at which point they may ignore it. The bad news is that it follows them as it is irreconcilable. When you can get your thoughts in order and create a life that you can feel comfortable with, then and only then, can you progress forward. "Move on" simply shows that the other person doesn't understand.

Member question: I am so angry. I mean really angry. Not only with the perpetrator, but with something I just can’t put my finger on. Can this be explained?

AllysonMaida: The word violated is a very strong part of our language. The opposite of "violated" is "pure". If you have been violated someone has dishonored your innocence - your purity. This innocence is a part of our core. Even as we grow, we maintain portions of ourselves that are "pure". When violated, this pureness is removed without your consent. It is in conflict with the depth of who you are. The natural response to this is anger.

Member question: If being triggered means I can "manage" some of the information, why do flashbacks feel so overwhelming?

AllysonMaida: The experience of being triggered is a bit different than flashbacks. Flashbacks are a moment of recall, where triggers are the thing that sets you off. When triggered, your mind is letting some information through. Flashbacks, recall, memories...no matter what you call them can be extremely overwhelming. Which is why I suggested to reach out for help. It may seem unmanageable, but you can do it - even if takes a while. Just be sure to get support. Pandy's is great for that, by the way. These memories have a powerful impact - this is an emotionally charged issue. This is why it is so overwhelming.

Member question: How do you deal with the grief without it totally overwhelming you especially since a lot of us have trouble with depression and maybe don't have the coping mechanisms that an individual without this type of past has?

AllysonMaida: This is why I like these steps. No matter who you are or what has happened, if you have something to hold onto, something that you can refer to you will be more secure. Depression certainly muddies the waters, as does anxiety. If you can look at something like these steps and recognize where you are in your process it can be very helpful. It is grounding to have insight to your progress.

Member question: I have two children as a result of the SA I went through as a child/teen. How do I make my husband see that the children are not just part of my father, but part of me as well so that he does not take out what I went through on my children?

AllysonMaida: One way is to align them with your personal characteristics. "She looks just like me when I was young." show a photo. Recall stores of your life that the children remind you of. The more important thing is to remind your husband that these children are like any other children. They are not here to suffer for someone else's cruelty. They are individuals and it is your husband's job - as much as yours - to provide them with guidance that is healthy. You cannot do this if his focus is negative. They will tune into that "feeling". Children are more perceptive than we think.

Member question: Being "triggered" seems more like a loss of control, not a sign I can "manage". It feels to me like I'm falling more apart then managing anything, is this just me?

AllysonMaida: No, it is not just you. When I say that you can "manage" the information, I literally mean just that. When our mind allows trauma to register it can be very out of control. When we feel out of control - we certainly can feel as if we are falling apart. This is more than reasonable. Managing basically means trying to make sense of something to create order. Emotions can be horrible to manage, but we can do it little by little.

Member question: How does one know when they are ready for help?

AllysonMaida: Sometimes other people know before we do. Getting help is scary and makes us that much more vulnerable. Asking for help also allows someone else to "speak into our lives" It is a gut feeling at times. When you have an slight feeling that maybe help is a good idea - even if you then begin to argue with yourself about it - generally speaking, you are ready to extend your hand towards someone else.

Jennifer: Okay, we have time for just one more question. I'm sorry that we won't be able to get to all of the questions; they were all really thoughtful!

Member question: The void we're trying to fill, it seems so easy to fill it temporarily with negative things such as drugs or sex. How can I stop doing that?

AllysonMaida: Filling this void, which is negative space, with other negativity only causes negativity to remain. your quest is to become healthy. Drugs, being out of control, etc. is only a deterrent. When you decide that you want permanency - you are tired of fighting try something healthy. You do not have to substitute bad with bad. Fill the gap with something good. It is hard because it is out of the "norm" when everything seems so wrong. This will help to make it right.

Jennifer: Thank you so much, Allyson! This was really interesting, and we appreciate your time that you were able to spend with us tonight.