Gratitude: A Letter to my Therapist

I recently attended a day long seminar that focused on self-improvement and opening your heart.  There were workshops on cognitive behavior therapy, self acceptance, changing your thought patterns, and so on.  At the end of the seminar we were asked to write three things down that we were going to do to apply what we learned. I said a quick prayer and to my surprise the one thing that I could write down was simply, "Write sincere thank you letters to those who have aided you".                                                                                                    
There is great strength that comes as we not only feel grateful but show our gratitude.  It's hard, I will admit on those days of being flooded with flashbacks, morning a lost childhood, or for me, seeing my past negatively effect what I'm trying to do, to be grateful.  There are days where I am just mad about the abuse that I've experienced and I'm learning that is ok but as important as it is to feel mad, sad, or just FEEL in general we must also cultivate the feelings of gratitude for what we do have.

I loved Jennifer's post on appreciating and loving our bodies.  I have been mad at my body for betraying me during times of abuse, for feeling when all I wanted was to be numb to protect myself.  I can go on about that but I'll hold off for another blog post.  But just as Jennifer mentioned as much as we might loath our bodies we must be grateful for them and the good they do for us.  The same is true for every aspect of our lives.  

           

Is it possible to be grateful for the hardships I've gone through, for experiencing childhood sexual abuse?  Am I grateful for the pain and agony, lost portions of my childhood, and struggles I face in relationships? This is something I will write more about later this week but as we seek to be grateful we must act in gratitude.  Just like any principle in the Gospel to gain a testimony of it we must act and do it first.  

The past few months I have felt overwhelming gratitude for those who have affected my life for good.  Most of the time I feel like saying "thank you" just isn't enough and it probably isn't but I'm doing what I can with what I have.

With my quest to write a few heartfelt thank you letters and show my gratitude I wanted to write a letter to my counselor.  This is something that I have been frightened to do.  I fear crossing any client/patient boundaries in anyway and negatively affecting a relationship that I can't afford to lose as I get further in healing some very deep areas of abuse or that my words of gratitude wont be accepted.  Unfortunately I have a long list of reasons holding me back to write this letter but regardless I know it will be beneficial and wanted to post it on this blog even with all of my insecurities.

To my counselor,

I need to take a moment and thank you for what you are doing for me.  I recognize that this is your job but you do it very well.  The last two years of my life as you are well aware have been trying.  I've gone from having a complete mental breakdown, being suicidal, temped to drink to relieve pain, struggling with depression, desires to cut, stop eating and the list goes on.  The struggles are still there however through counseling you've taught me the importance and skills of self soothing, validation, how to recognize when I continue the patterns of abusive thinking, and most importantly you've taught me more about the Atonement and how to apply it.  

The client/patient relationship is an interesting one.  It requires trust, honesty, openness, among other things yet it is all within a professional setting with limits and boundaries.   Feeling like an "experienced client" to many mental health professionals I appreciate your skill set, diligent efforts, and talents.

Being a client requires my own work for sure.  The growth I've experience has not just come from 50 min sessions once a week but from constantly applying what I'm learning, discovering, and being taught during that precious time.   Prior to a session I pray the Spirit will be present that both of us may be guided and enlightened on how to heal the deepest of wounds, help me to feel Gods love and  become whole.  There are many times I have felt the Spirit while meeting with you and I need to thank you for being receptive to it and not just relying on your professional training.

To simply put it, I still have a long way to go but I need you to know I am grateful for what you are doing for me.

Thank you.