I would be the first person to admit that I know it can be hard to be a secondary survivor. To you that are I say, "I am so sorry". As the survivor I feel as though the effects of the abuse have continued through me to you regardless of how hard I try to stop it. You have been effected as well.
Jennifer wrote, "It can be confusing, heart wrenching, and exhausting to love a survivor of childhood sexual abuse." This is true however as a survivor it feeds into my incorrect belief that I am broken beyond repair, not normal, am too much for others to handle, hard to love, confuse people with my emotions and behaviors, and I'm better off keeping people at a distance than them being hurt by me.
Relationships between survivors and secondary survivors can be one of the most difficult relationships you can have but also the most rewarding. As a survivor those around me unfortunately are often triggers as well. Sometimes a simple hug from a loved one causes me to quickly recoil and feel panicked, triggering feelings from the abuse. Other times however they are a source of healing providing opportunities to learn how to trust again or slowly work through triggers together. I asked my best friend a few questions regarding being a secondary survivor. Her answers are specific to her own experiences and each individual situation is different however she talks about some great principles that can help anyone or at least validate you are not alone in your feelings.
How have you worked through a situation when your loved one was triggered?
"If my survivor is triggered either by me or the situation, I think it's
important to not let your own feelings get in the way of the situation. The one
or two times that's happened between us, it was hard not to get upset or
confused, but I just had to walk away from the situation. I think it's
different with everyone. With you, you needed your own alone time, you needed
to process things by yourself. Others might need to talk it out to understand.
It's very important to be completely flexible with survivors. That's one thing
I've learned since being your friend. Some days, you wanted to share, others
you had NO desire, whatsoever and abhorred the idea. Flexibility I think
enabled me to be there for you when you needed it most."
How do you work through or process situations & feelings the survivor has that you don't understand?
"I
have been told I have a tremendous amount of empathy; and I think that has been
the one thing that has helped me the most to help you. So if you don't have
empathy, learn to develop it and quick! The other thing I could say is to try
and relate the feelings to something I've experienced. No, I have not
experienced half the trauma you have in my life, but I have had hard times.
Everyone faces some trial in their life and I think that the feelings and emotions
we go through run through the same veins. We are all hurt...though some more
than others, but as humans we can all relate to hurt on some level. I think
it's VERY important not to try to dumb down a survivors feelings, nor make
yours to be equal...but to have understanding and empathy is important."
"Also,
the situations that I don't understand...plain and simple. Accept the fact that
you don't understand. Have compassion anyway. try to understand their feelings
anyway. We don't have to understand everything that others go through to have a
relationship with them. I can't solve all of your problems. The only thing I
can do is try to make them lighter by whatever means I can. I can't kick myself
or be frustrated with myself for not understanding the situation. But I can be
there for you. I can help YOU to understand the feelings and situations."
I once dated someone who was convinced he understood what I was going through and knew how to solve it and how help. As
as survivor it can be extremely frustrating to have someone who has not
experienced what you have gone through say they completely understand
what you are experiencing. Even if they have gone through something
similar all abuse and situations are unique and individual. Personally those who are open, genuine, compassionate, and empathetic, not trying to force their own ideals on me have brought about the most healing.
"Have I ever felt those feelings? YOU BET! Yes, I am incredibly angry and frustrated. It's not fair!
People shouldn't do those things to other people. People as awesome as you
should not have to go through things like that. But then I think why is she
so awesome? The answer undoubtedly has part of your past to do with it. You
are who you are because of what you've gone through. Who knows what kind of
inner strength you would have had you not faced that trial. Who knows where
you'd be in life. I mean, honestly, think about it. Your relationship with our
Savior has everything to do with the abuse you faced. You saw the Savior in
your darkest times and you created a relationship with Him unequal to any other
relationship. That's amazing. How would you have done that otherwise? Yeah, it's
not fair."
Overall, what has helped YOU as a
secondary survivor to help the survivor and to help your self?
"I had to be flexible, understanding, empathetic, and know that I couldn't fix it. That's a big thing. As a
"secondary survivor" you must know you can't fix it. I've gotten so
frustrated with what you're going through and to be honest, I haven't understood fully. At times I want to
shake you and say GET OVER IT! Look at what you've come through already. YOU
CAN DO IT! I would get so upset after conversations we'd have when I felt
like nothing I said helped and that hurt and made me mad."
"At times I
felt like you weren't trying to help yourself and so I took that upon myself to
try and fix. It took a lot of humbling and prayer and understanding to get to
the point where I am now. And that point is that I can't fix it. You can. And
you will. In your own time. IN YOUR OWN TIME. Not mine. Not
your therapist. No one's but yours. After I figured that out, it became easier
to do what YOU needed me there for. Whatever that may be. I needed to get out
of my own way to let you do this YOUR way. I didn't (and sometimes, still don't)
understand what it is you're going through this time around but I don't have to
understand. I just have to stick by your side, love you unconditionally, and be
there when you need my shoulder to cry on or my ear to listen. That's how you
help a survivor. You be there for whatever it is they need. When you figure that out, it's easier
to figure out what to do to help."
As much as I feel I am to blame for the hurt, lost opportunities, and lack of intimacy with my loved ones we must remember we are not to blame. However that does not change the fact that those around us have been affected. To that I say again, "I am so, so sorry."
"Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.”
The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most
measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble
ourselves, and “pray and work and wait”
patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after
being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.”
(The Atonement Covers All Pain, Elder Richards)
n be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of
child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never
feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many
emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more
at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf
it
can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of
child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never
feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many
emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more
at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf
can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of
child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never
feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many
emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more
at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf
can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of
child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never
feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many
emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more
at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf
can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of
child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never
feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many
emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more
at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf
can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of
child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never
feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many
emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more
at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf
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