Preventing Child Abuse

Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse: Helps for Members, (1997), 4–6f

(This is from LDS.org and is a church pamphlet) Children need parents who are unselfish and loving and who are committed to their children’s happiness and success. Children need to be treated with kindness, affection, courtesy, patience, and forgiveness. Parents should express their love for them frequently and compliment and recognize them consistently for good behavior. Parents need to provide activities and tasks in which their children can experience success, acceptance, love, and family unity.

Children are helped and strengthened by appropriate and loving discipline. However, criticism or ridicule will undermine their confidence and feelings of self-worth and well-being. When these things occur over time, children may come to feel inadequate, unattractive, and unloved.

For these reasons, parents and others should strive to teach and discipline children as needed with patience and love. Loving parents will avoid any abusive conduct toward their children and will strive to protect their children from the abuse of others. Parents should learn to control their anger. They may wish to seek help from the bishop or a professional counselor if they are concerned about their or others’ behavior toward their children.

Preventing Abuse by Others

Parents can do much to protect their children from sexual abuse. They should develop a close relationship with their children and teach them what to do to guard against this great evil.

Parents should ensure that the atmosphere in the home allows children to feel comfortable in discussing sensitive matters. Children should be encouraged to talk freely about their likes and dislikes, their friends, and their true feelings. They should feel that they can tell their parents if someone approaches them in an inappropriate manner or in a way that makes them uncomfortable. (For more suggestions, see A Parent’s Guide[31125], 32–33.)

Parents should know where their children are and who they are with. They should be careful that only responsible people baby-sit or have custody of them. They should ask their children about their experiences with baby-sitters and other caregivers. Wise parents will closely monitor what happens when their children are away from home overnight. They will be alert if a teenager or adult is paying an unusual amount of attention to one of their children and carefully investigate the situation.

Parents and youth leaders should be aware of changes in a child’s behavior. Behavioral changes can be a signal that someone should talk with the child about what caused the changes.

Helping Children to Protect Themselves

Children can learn how to protect themselves against sexual abuse and exploitation. Every child should be taught that no one should touch them in inappropriate ways, and that they should resist and flee from any situation where the touching or other behavior of another person makes them feel uncomfortable. They should also be taught to tell their parents promptly of any such situation, and if someone attempts to take them away without their parents’ approval, to resist and attract the attention of others around them.


 5 Tips to Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse

The following five safety tips from RAINN http://www.rainn.org/ focus on practical things parents can do to protect children from sexual abuse.

1. Talk
Talk often with your child and set a tone of openness. Talking openly and directly will let your child know that it’s okay to talk to you when they have questions. If your child comes to you with concerns or questions, make time to listen and talk to them.

2. Teach
Teach your child key safety principles. For instance:

•  Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the language to ask questions and express concerns about those body parts.
• If your child is uncomfortable or if someone is touching them, s/he should tell a trusted adult immediately.
• Let your children know that if someone is touching them or talking to them in ways that make them uncomfortable that it shouldn’t stay a secret.

3. Empower
Your child should know that s/he has the right to speak up if they are uncomfortable, or if someone is touching them. It’s okay to say “no” even to adults they know and family members.

4. Implement
Implement Internet safety protocols, and parental controls through platforms such as the Google Family Safety Center. Work with older children to set guidelines for who they can talk to online, and what information can be shared. For instance, be cautious when leaving status or away messages online and when using the "check-in" feature on Facebook or Foursquare.

5. Educate
Educate yourself about the warning signs of childhood sexual abuse. Know what to look for, and the best way to respond.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE)

You may feel like a “broken vessel,” but remember the “vessel is in the hands of the divine potter” -Elder Holland Oct 2013 General Conference

Like some of you-I had the wonderful opportunity to listen to General Conference this weekend and as always was inspired by the talks given. It left me feeling a little inadequate as I sat down to try to write something today. Anything I went to write -just paled in comparison to all that I have heard this weekend. So instead of trying to write something I will share one of my favorites. I believe Elder Holland has a gift of speaking. I have been touched by so many of his talks over the years and continued to do so with his talk yesterday. Take a moment to listen as he adresses the topic of mental illness. He does a wonderful job! What do you take away from his talk?

We can't simultaneously do all things the Lord has counseled us to do.

We have talked already about seasons of healing and taking small consistant steps, when we are on the path of healing. I think this is something that needs to be reiterated over and over again. Therefore, I am going to write about it again--and probably again and again :)) We tend to expect ourselves to simultaneously be able to do everything at once-especially within the mormon faith. I love Richard G. Scott . He seems to understand the complexities of life and living the gospel in an imperfect world. In April he said,

"We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time."-For Peace at home April 2013 Ensign

I love that. The Lord WILL direct us in what needs to be emphazized at each phase of life. The past 3 weeks have been overwhelming busy for me. It has been full of many many good things. Between my daughter's birthday party, helping my son finish his eagle scout project, trying to fit in time to study for an important credentialing test and then taking the  test, preparing for and doing 4 presentations (3 for church and one for work), working at the hospital and my private practice, having 2 meetings for a suicide prevention team that I am a boardmember of and starting and planning for our yearly event for Walk out of Darkness, fitting in all the kids various sports practices and games, Drs appointments, taking the kids on our traditional apple picking trip and making carmel apples....and more that I won't bore you with---it has been a busy time. You get the point. You know how it is. You can make your own list that looks the same or worse than mine.

Now all of things were important things -not fluff stuff. They were all things that matter to me. That said-it certainly did not leave very much me time. Just ask my husband, my me time is precious time for me. It is when I refill my bucket and take time to relax. Instead I found myself napping when I had a free moment. A sign to me that I might be doing too much.

Sometimes as mormons we wear our business as a badge of honor. We tend to think that the more good things on our plate to juggle- the better. This is NOT emotional health. Even the savior took moments to be alone -he went to the wilderness for 40 days, he took moments to sleep on the ship.

When I think of busy- I think of my mom. As mother of nine and symbol of selflessness in our community -she was always tired and always busy. I was reflecting on a conversation I once had with her when I was a young adult.  She shared that she had begun to hate the holiday season. I could not relate to this. She said that as the holiday would approach she would begin to get a knot in her stomache-- as she thought of all the stuff she had to do. And I can attest she did alot for Christmas! She made every day of the month exciting with tradition after tradition and simultaneoulsly did the same for neighbors and friends and those who did not have as much.

I remember saying. "why don't you just take a few things off your list, they are all good things, but if it is stressing you out it is not worth it." I was struck by what she said. She said she had gone through her list of to dos and they were all important to her. She did not want to take anything of the list. Now that I am a mom, I understand a little bit better of what she was talking about. There are so many things that we feel we want to do. It is not a choice between bad or good but a choice between better and best. Sometimes though we need to prioritize and part of that prioritization needs to be you.  That is hard for some of us to swallow. We find it easier to worry about others and put our own feelings and needs aside. If we can stay busy taking care of everyone elses needs then we don't have to face our own issues.

In the end--our own issues and needs tend to be much harder to solve. By not taking care of ourselves, we might actually be taking the easier way out. Although in our culture this is not validated. We are raised in a culture of  "loosing your life in the service of others." We are praised (by others and ourselves) for constantly being in the service of others. I have found that in fact it is much harder to sit with yourself and your feelings and actually try to figure out how to meet your own needs.  I want you to think about this some...have you made time for your healing? Do you feel guilty when you make time for it?  Or is it your first priority? I will share two of my favorite articles on this topic in following blogs.

Humility

From experience I'm learning humility in the healing process is extremely important.

"To be humble is to recognize gratefully our dependence on the Lord—to understand that we have constant need for His support. Humility is an acknowledgment that our talents and abilities are gifts from God. It is not a sign of weakness, timidity, or fear; it is an indication that we know where our true strength lies. We can be both humble and fearless. We can be both humble and courageous.

 

Jesus Christ is our greatest example of humility. During His mortal ministry, He always acknowledged that His strength came because of His dependence on His Father. He said: “I can of mine own self do nothing. . . . I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me” (John 5:30). The Lord will strengthen us as we humble ourselves before Him. James taught: “God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. . . . Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up” (James 4:6, 10)." (True to the Faith (2004), 86-87)

I learn more every day about humility.  I am not an expert but I do know that being humble in the process of healing from childhood sexual abuse and helping others to heal not only brings strength but miracles.  Many times I have felt like I was at a dead end.  Where do I go and how do I get help?  I've found that as I've humbled myself and sought out help from others I was able to see at least a little further down the path towards progression.  

“I returned to Elder Lee and told him that I saw no way to move in the direction I was counseled to go. He said, ‘The trouble with you is you want to see the end from the beginning.’ I replied that I would like to see at least a step or two ahead. Then came the lesson of a lifetime: ‘You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you." (President Boyd K. Packer, “The Edge of the Light,”)

It's hard for me to describe how to be humble as a survivor and easier for me to show how humility in those around me has helped me to grow.  Let me tell you a little bit about my counselor.  I prefer to use the word counselor instead of therapist for many different reasons but one is it honestly just makes going to counseling or "therapy" feel less intimidating.

 

I have the perfect counselor for me at this time in my life BUT she is not perfect, very close though.  I know this and so does she.  I have seen how much her humility has not only sparked new avenues of healing but has empowered and given me strength. There have been times while in a session where she will ask me a question accompanied with, "And I don't know the answer either."  It has been relieving to know that together we are discovering the answers to progress rather than feeling like I am less than her in any way.  

President Hinckley mentioned in the clip below that we can show humility by lifting others as high or higher than we are.  For survivors of childhood sexual abuse, or at least for me, it is natural to feel less than, broken, discarded, or just incapable of normal everyday activities due to triggers.  Those who have impacted me the most to heal have been those who have lifted me up, taught me as we learned together, and were willing to succor me even with having weaknesses or lack of knowledge. 

Experiencing others humility has helped me to trust them and others more.  Our ultimate example of humility is that of our Savior.  In times of need, distress, and joy we must turn to our Savior, learn of Him, and be as He would have us be. Family members might not understand how to support a loved one with the trial of sexual abuse but they can find guidance as they kneel in prayer, humbly asking God for help.  Humility is not only vital for the survivor of childhood sexual abuse but also for all those involved in the process of healing.

We Never Walk Alone

The past couple of weeks I've been able to take a step back and reflect on the last two years of my life.  They have been rough and there were many times I thought the tribulations I was going through were going to kill me and at times I was ok with that idea.  The pain and torment that haunted me was much to overwhelming for just one person to bare. 

I lost hope, was suicidal, struggled with urges of cutting, and the list goes on.  I was mad at myself and the situation I was in and didn't understand feelings of suicide or cutting while believing so strongly in the plan of salvation.  Everything was a battle.  I questioned things I'd never questioned before including the power of the Atonement. 

It was difficult and at the time felt impossible for me to have hope that my future would be brighter than what I was experiencing.  As difficult it was for me to believe in myself and the Savior I realized others had a strength and were willing to let me lean on them until I could find my own footing once again.  My counselor once said to me, "You can lean on my faith in you for a little bit until you can have more faith in yourself.  I know that it will all be worth it! And you are on the right path to healing!"

Even thought I was questioning nearly everything and it was difficult to do even routine tasks somehow I continually prayed to our Father in Heaven and read in the scriptures.  At times my prayer was merely,  "Heavenly Father, I need help" accompanied by just flipping open the scriptures and reading one verse.  However I know by doing so, as small as it was, I received strength beyond my own.

We never walk alone.