Be OK

Sometimes music can speak better to our hearts than any other way.  This song simply describes a few of my feelings or rather pleadings in the healing process of overcoming childhood sexual abuse.

 

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today.

I often find myself pleading to the Lord to just be OK.  When I am so overcome with emotions and feelings I can't process, when I feel my world crashing in on me, and when it is just too much to handle all I want is to just be ok.  Being ok is not as good as being great but in those moments of despair that's all I want.  Sometimes I've felt like when I'm praying heavenward the only words I can get out are, "Heavenly Father, please help me to just be ok."  I'm not asking to be great, just survive. 

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today.

In my battle to overcome my anesthesia, disassociation, I need to feel.  Trying to let myself feel is like teaching myself how to breath all over again.  Pain needs to be felt so the wounds can be healed but unfortunately stuffing those emotions and feelings in and disassociating is something that comes so naturally it is hard to fight.  When I feel the pain I can give it to the Savior and receive relief.  So, as much as I don't want to feel the pain, deep down I know it will feel good once I'm able to feel and release it. 

The Spirit often speaks to us through feelings as well.  It has been my experience that it is very difficult to only block out negative feelings without also putting restrictions on others.  In The Guide to the Scriptures it states, "Feel: See also Holy Ghost; To sense the promptings of the Spirit." As we allow ourselves to feel, as scary as it is, we are not only taking steps to heal but are also opening the channel to feel the Spirit in greater abundance.  

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts

I'm beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts

 

As I've mentioned before in my post, How They Grow it is a common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to feel broken beyond repair.  Not only have you been hurt but you feel that something irreplaceable has been taken from you, something sacred has been stolen and mocked.

"If you have been abused, Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution. Yet he knows perfectly well that there is. Satan recognizes that healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children. He also understands that the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Therefore, his strategy is to do all possible to separate you from your Father and His Son. Do not let Satan convince you that you are beyond help." (Elder Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse)

I just want to know today, know today, know today

I just want to know something today

Know that maybe I will be ok

In the midst of despair and darkness it can be really hard to know everything will be ok in the end. "Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: “I do know,” he says, “that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.”(Elder Holland, Broken Things to Mend) 

I believe the Savior does support me in my trials but it is important not to forget that He sends His angels to help us know, even when we do not, that if not today but someday we will be ok.  In expressing doubts about my own capabilities to be ok and heal someone told me, "You can lean on my faith in you for a little bit until you can have more faith in yourself. I know that it will all be worth it!! And you are on the right path to healing!" This gave me strength beyond my own and helped me in ways I cannot describe. 

Just give me back my pieces

 And let me hold my broken parts

What can I say about this line?  A lot but I will keep it simple.  Sometimes I just need to curl up in a ball, cry, and hold my broken heart.  I need to not feel like everyone is trying to "fix" me but just comfort myself, accept that my heart is broken and validate my feelings.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to know today, know today, know today

Know that maybe I will be ok

"The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal. It is rooted in an understanding of doctrine and a resolute determination to follow it."  (Elder Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse)