New Year's: Look Not behind Thee

                 

So I work in healthcare in a hospital and for the past couple of months all employees were required to go to a meeting that stressed the message .."It is a new day". Now employees all left that meeting with a variety of understandings and interpretations of what that really meant.

The basic message of the meeting was that we were all going to be effected by the most recent drastic changes in health care through health care reform. The message was that there was nothing we could do to change what was going to happen at this point- so we needed to look ahead and make the best of this "new day".

Some people heard "so you will be doing more with less -get used to it" or "more is going to be expected of you and you have a choice to make- jump on ship or get out". Others looked at these changes as opportunity . Opportunity for much needed change and the opportunity to make our product and what we deliver even better.

As you look ahead to your new day -your new year, you too have opportunities that await you. Like one of the men in the video said "What god has for me is bigger and better". I believe that is true. There can be purpose in looking to the past to learn from. But living in the past -will not bring peace and happiness. Here is to a brand new day -the first day of the rest of your life-Go ahead step forward and don't look back!

My Gift to the Savior

Heavenly Father has blessed us with the greatest of all gifts, the gift of His son, our Savior.  He can save us from all our woes, pains, and troubles. Every year on Christmas Eve we sits around the Christmas tree and individually write down what we are going to give the Savior that coming year for Christmas.

As I reflected on last year and how I felt during the holiday season  I was overwhelmed to say the least.  Usually I write down at least two or three things that I am going to do as my gift to the Savior, something along the lines of serve more, attend the Temple ___ times a month and so forth.  Last year I simply put, "My gift to the Savior this year is to heal the best I can and keep working on it even when I want to give up."  As I re-read what I wrote I felt humbly pleased with my efforts but know I still have a life time to go.

Working on overcoming childhood sexual abuse is a long and difficult process.  I know I keep saying that but its true.  As much as I want it to be a one time thing and be done with it, it just isn't that way.  Often this year I thought, "I could just live my life the way I have been for the last X amount of years, deal with triggers when they come, not get close to anyone, deal with the freaking out moments, disassociate, be numb, and just coast through."  I also thought, "All of this work isn't doing anything, I'm not getting anywhere, things are only getting worse.  It just isn't worth it.  I can't afford this!"

Over one-third of my income has gone towards therapy, gym memberships, or other things that are directly related to helping me heal and apply the Atonement in this healing process.  I have had to make sacrifice after sacrifice, be surrounded by people who don't understand the importance of what I'm trying to do and why I'm trying to do it, along with really dig deep and face a lot of pain.

How could all of this be a gift to the Savior?  In all reality it is actually just using the greatest of all gifts that has been given to me, the gift of the Atonement.

"That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.  For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." 
(John 3:15-17)

As I've worked and struggled on overcoming the devastating effects of abuse I have found I am better able to in turn serve the Lord, feel the love of Christ and His atonement, and be a better disciple of Christ.  That does not mean that while I am in the midst of pain or not progressing in "healing" that I stink at serving and am not a good disciple but rather as I've worked on it, I've learned and grown in new ways.

I've learned better how to empathize with others and that sometimes life is just hard.  I've learned that at times regardless of how much you've prayed with real intent the pain just doesn't go away.  I've learned that even though those around me don't understand I always have a Father in Heaven I can pray to, even if all I say is, "Heavenly Father, help me, please!"  He is listening.  I've felt empowered as I've learned new ways to heal and have felt relief.  I've learned how to be more compassionate to myself, that it's ok that this is extremely hard and its alright to take a time out when needed.  But most of all I've learned more about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and have become more grateful for the greatest of all gifts, our Savior.

This is our second post with this song.  I think you can tell that both of us have felt the Spirit of Christmas from it and it has helped me to re-focus on the true meaning of this great day. Today has been full of triggers and overly intense emotions but I've survived, at least for now.  How grateful I am to know that relief is possible from the tender gift of our Savior.  This isn't the greatest post I've ever put together but I wanted to share with you that working on healing from childhood sexual abuse can truly be a gift to the Savior and to yourself during this special time of year.

"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

Oh the holidays, they come ever year with out exception as do the triggers and struggles that accompany them.  I've spent the last few days reading blogs, articles, and books about this topic.  I'm not sure I can really say anything more than what is already available other than my personal side of things.

Christmas is a wonderful time of year, "The MOST wonderful time of year" right?  Then why am I full of feelings I don't understand, constantly being triggered, filled with panic and anxiety, and surrounded by people who just don't understand.  I honestly do love Christmas but not what comes with it.  Every year seems to be full of self blame and hatred.  It frustrates me when I'm trying so hard to feel the spirit of Christmas but instead am filled with everything but that.

Every once and a while I feel the sweet tender feelings of Christmas and when I do I drop to my knees in gratitude. However most of the time I feel like I'm walking around as the family Grinch, angry, mad, flailing about in unknown feelings, and filled with flashbacks.  It makes me mad that I can't just sit down and enjoy the holidays with everyone else but instead I'm fighting to understand triggers, self sooth, and work myself through this hard time.  Its hard not to feel completely broken when its such a struggle to feel and enjoy the Spirit of Christmas and celebrate the birth of the Savior.

Unfortunately those around me really just don't understand what I'm going through at this time of year either.  I frequently hear, "Its Christmas! Be happy!" "Why do you always have to make things difficult" "Why are you like this every year?" "Forget about yourself and serve someone else" "You have so much to be grateful for, why can't you see that?" "Its your choice to feel and be like this". Those along with many other comments are some of the most frustrating things I've ever heard.  In those moments self hatred creeps in and I believe all of this is my fault and I have complete control over my feelings, reactions, and situation but am choosing to yet again be a Grinch.  The lack of understanding makes me mad and its easy to just want to kick someone in the groin after saying something like that.

More than anything I want to feel the love of the Savior this Christmas.  Just because I am struggling with that doesn't mean I am bad, choosing not to, or mentally ill.  My heart is in the right place, my desires are there, and in all reality I am coming closer to the Savior as I battle through these trials and FIGHT to overcome the devastating effects of childhood sexual abuse.

I did not choose this, I do not like it, and so this holiday season I will fight.  I will continue the fight to heal and overcome.  I could easily continue the pattern of disassociating and being numb however that will lead me to no where.  I want to feel the joy of this season and to feel the joy I must FEEL which includes the hurt, pain, sorrow, disappointment, but also the excitement, and most importantly the love of the Savior.  This year I am taking a risk, or at least trying to, to let myself feel whatever feeling that is. Its been hard but I'm still fighting to stay in the present and to provide for myself the love needed to heal.

Knowing I will not come out of this season unscathed and pain free focusing on self soothing and compassion has become more of a priority.  I know I will better be able to feel the tender love of the Savior when I have compassion for myself as the Savior does.
 
One thing I've done is allow myself to take a time out when needed.  With the holidays, people in town or visiting other family and not really having your own space can be hard.  Its ok to go to the bathroom, turn on the water and fan and just cry.  A few years ago I found a 5 gallon bucket in the garage and used it as a stool to retreat to when needed.  I would sit out there even though it was very cold for a few minuets to cry, take a breather, and remind myself that everything would be ok.  Having that 5 gallon bucket to sit on saved my life and got me through the holidays.

As much as I would love to just sit by the fire, look at the lights on the Christmas tree, laugh at my goofy Christmas socks, and feel the Spirit of Christmas that probably wont be happening this year.  But healing will occur...I hope.  It will be a fight, a fight to not beat myself up because Christmas just isn't the most wonderful time of year for me, a fight to feel the good, the bad, and the oh so ugly, and a fight to just be. 

The Healing Power of Music

One of my favorite things about the Christmas Season is the music and the spirit I feel. My favorite memories of Christmas are all related to music. Growing up in Boston gave me the opportunity to go caroling with my family in Louisburg square. This Boston tradition started in 1924 and continues to this day. Bell ringers and singers move from house to house. I loved it! My other favorite memory was going to the Cambridge, Ma chapel and participating in the Handels Messiah Sing along. Even as a young child I felt the spirit of Handels masterpiece! I am sure it is not new to you to hear that music has healing properties -with mental, emotional and physical illnesses. And music improves mood!

"If you’ve ever found that listening to music elevates your mood, you’re right. New research found that feelings of happiness increased when participants in the study listened to upbeat music, and were asked to focus on lifting their mood. A related study demonstrated that listening to happy or sad music can also change how you perceive the world. While these studies show the positive impact music has upon your mental and emotional state, they also underscore the capacity we have to alter our inner experience through conscious effort and focus — as recent research on meditation and brain function has demonstrated." http://www.progressiveimpact.org/how-music-improves-your-mood-and-outlook-on-life/

In the first study, reported in the Journal of Positive Psychology, researchers at the University of Missouri found that ”Our work provides support for what many people already do — listen to music to improve their moods,”

There is scientific research to back up the idea that music has healing properties. A2013 analysis by Daniel Levitin, a prominent psychologist who studies the neuroscience of music at McGill University in Montreal, and his colleagues highlighted a variety of evidence: for instance, one study showed music's anti-anxiety properties, another found music was associated with higher levels of immunoglobin A, an antibody linked to immunity. In their studies they said it was the first time that the chemical - called dopamine - had been tested in response to music.

"It is known to produce a feel-good state in response to certain tangible stimulants - from eating sweets to taking cocaine. Dopamine is also associated with less tangible stimuli - such as being in love. In this study, levels of dopamine were found to be up to 9% higher when volunteers were listening to music they enjoyed."
 
I just discovered this part of LDS.org --where you can get free LDS songs to download from EFY and various LDS performers. https://www.lds.org/youth/music?lang=eng

No matter what your circumstances this coming week and no matter what this holiday season presents you with -I hope that you can find some peace and joy through the music of the season!!

To the Depressed and Suicidal- a blog from Seth Adam Smith (http://sethadamsmith.com/)

Seth is a young married LDS man -author working on four books. He returned from his mission for the LDS church a year early due to depression. He is also the editor and chief of a blog called http://www.forwardwalking.com


To the Depressed and Suicidal: I Know How It Feels
Seth Adam Smith

I wasn’t going to write anything today. In fact, I wasn’t going to publish anything until after New Years. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that I needed to write this open letter. If someone you know is struggling with depression, or suicidal thoughts, please share this letter with them. I hope it helps.
To all that are struggling with depression,

I don’t know you. I don’t know who you are or where you’re from. I don’t know your background, nor do I know your unique circumstances. I don’t know if your depression is the result of your genetic disposition, or if it is caused by something terrible that happened to you in your past. I don’t know if you’re going through a major change in your life or if you’re struggling to cope with the loss of a loved one.


A winter scene by Leonid Afredmov

There are a lot of things about your fight with depression that I simply don’t know.
But let me tell you a few things that I do know.
I know how it feels.
I know how it feels to have no one understand what you’re going through.
I know how it feels to feel alone in a crowded room; to feel like you’re putting on a “happy mask” in public, only to feel like you’re slipping further and further into an unsolvable despair.
I know how it feels to lose interest in things that once brought you joy and happiness; for foods to lose their taste, for nature to lose its beauty, and for the world to lose its color.
I know how it feels to want to be left alone while simultaneously (and desperately) yearn for someone to reach out and help you.

I know how it feels to do everything—absolutely everything—to try to fill the growing emptiness inside of you. I know how it feels to try to self-medicate and mute the pain with anything and everything: excessive sleep, television, foods, pain killers, or other addictions.
I know how it feels to fall to your knees and beg God to free you from the terrible loneliness of the darkness in your mind—only to feel like the ground has opened beneath you, plunging you into an even darker abyss.
I know how it feels because I’ve suffered from depression since I was a kid. In 2006, my depression culminated in a suicide attempt that very nearly claimed my life.
I know how depression feels and I’m intimately aware of the thoughts and feelings that lead to suicide.
But I also know a few other things. And this is why I’m writing to you.

I know there is hope.
Just as night is defeated by the dawn, or as the winter is conquered by the spring, or as the darkness is dominated by any degree of light, I know that you can make it through this.
And what’s more, I know that you can be a better person because of it.
Our lives are a journey on the earth. As we move forward, we will not only figuratively experience the geography of life: the exhilaration of high mountains, the tranquility of calm meadows, the isolation of treacherous canyons, but we also experience the seasons of life: the hope of spring, the abundance of summer, the harvest of autumn, and yes, the darkness and depression of winter.
Just as we continuously experience the change in seasons, we will also experience the contrast between canyons and mountains many times in our lives. Some winters and canyons last longer than others, it is true. But as someone who frequently struggles with depression, I can promise you that the springs do come and that there are paths out of the canyons and into the light.


“The Sun of Sicily” by Leonid Afremov
I said that you are going to be a better person as a result of your depression. I meant it. Having dealt with depression for over twenty years, I can say with confidence that my depression has given me an incomparable appreciation for life.

If you move forward while holding onto the knowledge that the sun will rise in your soul, I assure you that one day, you will stand at the summit of a figurative mountain and look back on your life’s journey. You will see your canyons of depression for what they were and realize that they taught you things you otherwise couldn’t have learned. And, to your utter amazement, you will see how your experiences with depression, dark and painful as they were, only added to the overall beauty of your life.
For aren’t the most beautiful vistas the ones that are filled with mountains, valleys, canyons, and wondrous variety?

To all who are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts: you are not alone. We are all on this journey together. I promise you that there is hope. Let us reach out to one another and walk together in the sunlight.
- Seth

More on perfectionism.

 

It is common for some sexual abuse victims to try to find a semblence of control in their lives- through perfectionism. Having experienced total lack of control over their abuse -there is a drive to control their environment. I thought Wendy described it perfectly.

"My lack of self-esteem and a conviction that I was damaged drove me to an overwhelming and impossible quest for perfection.  I felt I had to work longer, push harder and do more just to be on the same level as the so-called normal people. I worked 80- 90 hours a week while raising 6 children , maintaining the perfect weight , keeping the perfect house , and even finding time to volunteer. But nothing was  good enough to remove the shame in my eyes .  Driven by the anxiety  that others would discover how truly flawed I was. Bouts of  depression, fueled by physical exhaustion  set in when I failed to achieve my standards for personal perfection." http://wendiw.hubpages.com/

Now I can attest though that you don't have to been sexually abused to be a perfectionist. There are a variety of reasons some of us grow up this way. I am pasting below some great information on perfectionsim from this website-http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf 

See if you can relate to any of what is shared. It is a great discussion on what perfectionism looks like and some ways to overcome it and why we should strive to do so.

Examples of perfectionistic feelings:
Perfectionism can make you feel depressed, frustrated, anxious, and even angry,
especially if you constantly criticize yourself for not doing a good enough job after
spending a lot of time and effort on a task.

Examples of perfectionistic thinking:

• Black-and-white thinking (e.g., “Anything less than perfection is a failure”, “If I need help from others, then I am weak”)
• Catastrophic thinking  (e.g., “If I make a mistake in front of my coworkers, I won’tbe able to survive the humiliation”, “I can’t handle having someone being upset with me.”)
• Probability overestimation (e.g., “Although I spent all night preparing for a presentation, I know I won’t do well”, “My boss will think I am lazy if I take acouple of sick days.”)
• Should statements (e.g., “I should never make mistakes”, “I should never come across as nervous or anxious”, “I should always be able to predict problems before they occur.”)

Examples of perfectionistic behaviour:

• Chronic procrastination, difficulty completing tasks, or giving up easily
• Overly cautious and thorough in tasks (e.g., spending 3 hours on a task that takes others 20 minutes to complete)

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions you may have a problem with perfectionism.

• Excessive checking (e.g., spending 30 minutes looking over a brief email to your boss for possible spelling mistakes)
• Constantly trying to improve things by re-doing them (e.g., rewriting a work document several times to make it “perfect”)
• Agonizing over small details
• Making elaborate “to do” lists (e.g., when to get up, brush teeth, shower, etc.)
• Avoiding trying new things and risking making mistakes

Tools to Overcome Perfectionism
 
Tool #1: Changing perfectionistic thinking
 
a) Realistic thinking
 Because adults with perfectionism are often very critical of themselves, one of the
most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to replace self-critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic and helpful statements. It is a good idea to practise these helpful statements regularly. Even if you do not believe them right away, enough repetition will turn positive realistic thoughts into a habit, and help crowd out the negative self-talk.
 
Some examples of positive realistic statements

• “Nobody is perfect!”
• “All I can do is my best!”
• “Making a mistake does not mean I’m stupid or a failure. It only means that I am like everyone else– human. Everyone makes mistakes."
• “It’s okay not to be pleasant all the time. Everyone has a bad day sometime.”
• “It’s okay if some people don’t like me. No one is liked by everyone!

b) Perspective taking
 Adults with perfectionism also tend to have a hard time seeing things from another person’s point of view. That is, they tend not to think about how others might see a situation. For example, you may believe that you are lazy because you are only able to exercise 1 hour instead of 2 hours every day. Learning to view situations as other people might see them can help you to change some of these unhelpful beliefs. Going back to the “I’m lazy” example,
you can challenge this thought by asking yourself the following questions:

• How might someone else (e.g., a close friend) view this situation.
• Are there other ways to look at this? Maybe not being able to work out 2hours every day is understandable given my busy schedule. Not being able to meet this standard does not mean I am lazy. Most people cannot do it.
• What might I tell a close friend who was having similar thoughts? It is okay to only workout for 1 hour per day or even less. Working out regularly,say 2 to 3 times a week, is good enough!

c) Looking at the big picture
Adults with perfectionism tend to get bogged down in details and spend a lot of time worrying about ”the little things” (e.g., what font to use in an email). One helpful strategy to worry less about details is to ask yourself the following questions:
 
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
 
d) Compromising
 This is a particularly helpful tool for dealing with black-and-white thinking. Compromising involves lowering or being more flexible with your very high standards. For example, if you believe that making a mistake during a presentation means that you are stupid. You might try asking yourself, “What level of imperfection am I willing to tolerate?” From there, you can try to come up with some lower and more reasonable standards that you are willing to accept. Because it is quite anxiety provoking when you first start trying to lower your standards, you can do so gradually, in steps. For example, the first step to more reasonable standards in this example might involve spending 3 hours instead of 5 preparing for a
presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out of 5 presentations, or being okay with having fewer than 5 people praise your performance. Once you are comfortable with lowering your standards a bit, lower them some more or for example the next step might involve spending 1 hour preparing for the presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out 2 presentations, or being okay with not knowing what others think of your performance.

Tool #2: Changing perfectionistic behaviours
Having a problem with perfectionism is a lot like having a “phobia” of making mistakes o
being imperfect- you are terrified of making mistakes. Facing fears in a gradual and
consistent manner is the most effective way to overcome phobias, and is called “exposure”. For example, the best way to overcome a dog phobia is to gradually spend time with dogs, to learn that they are not as scary and dangerous as you initially thought. Similarly, overcoming your “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect involves doing just that
–gradually and purposely making mistakes and coming across as imperfect. This technique also involves gradually putting yourself into situations that you usually avoid out of a fear that things won’t work out perfectly.
 
Here are some examples to help you brainstorm items for exposure practice:

• Show up for an appointment 15 minutes late
• Leave a visible area in the house a little messy
• Tell people when you are tired (or other feelings that you consider it a weakness to have)
• Wear a piece of clothing that has a visible stain on it
• Purposely allow several uncomfortables silences to occur during lunch with a co-worker

Another helpful hint: Stop yourself from engaging in excessive behaviours designed to prevent imperfection. For example,

• if you tend to repeatedly check written documents for mistakes, stop yourself from checking more than once. Or, spend 30 minutes instead of 2 hours to prepare for a minute presentation.
• Lose your train of thought during a presentation
• Send a letter or e-mail that includes a few mistakes
• Talk at a meeting without first rehearsing what you are going to say 
• Try a new restaurant without first researching how good it is

Repeated and frequent practice! You will need to practise the technique you choose
several times before you start to feel more comfortable with making mistakes. Don’t be
discouraged if your anxiety doesn’t come down right away at first as this is normal and
expected. Keep trying and repeating the exposure as frequently as you can.

More about setting realistic standards:
Are you scared of lowering your standards because you worry that you will let too many of your standards go and make mistakes all the time? Here are some helpful tips to address your worry:

Tip 1:
Remember, lowering your standards DOES NOT mean having no standards. The goal is never to make you become careless in life and perform poorly all the time. Realistic standards are standards that can actually help you to do your best without costing you things that may be important to you, such as family life, physical and ental health, and leisure time. Do you feel ambivalent about lowering your standards? If you are not sure whether you should lower certain standards, it is a good idea to make a list of pros and cons for lowering these standards.What are the costs to holding onto these standards? Keeping the costs in mind can help you to take the brave steps towards changing.

Tip 2:
It is okay to ask for help. Sometimes, it is difficult to know how to lower an unrealistic standard to a more reasonable level. It is a good idea to ask a supportive person who does not have problems with perfectionism to help you with setting new realistic standards
 
Tool #3: Overcoming procrastination
Many adults with perfectionism often cope with their fear of making mistake
by procrastinating. When you set “perfect” standards for yourself, sometimes it might
feel easier to procrastinate carrying out a task rather than spending hours trying to do it!
For example, you might find that your house is usually messy even though you have
very high standards of cleanliness and organization. Or, you might put off writing a
report for work because you are afraid that you won’t be able to complete the task
“perfectly”, or you might be overwhelmed by how much work you have to put into it and
don’t know where to start! However, procrastination is only a temporary solution, and it
tends to make your anxiety worse over time. Here are some ways to help you
overcome procrastination:

• Creating realistic schedules.
• Break down larger tasks into manageable steps. On a chart or calendar, write down the goal or deadline, and work towards it, setting small goals for yourself along the way.
• Don’t forget to reward yourself for reaching each goal.
• It is also helpful to decide in advance how much time you will spend on a task.
• Remember, the goal is to complete the task, not to make it perfect!

Guide to Goal SettingSetting priorities. Perfectionists sometimes have trouble deciding on where the
should devote their energy and effort. Prioritize your tasks by deciding which ar
the most important to accomplish, and which are less important. It is O.K. not to
give 100% on every task!

Reward yourself
It is hard work to face your fears and change old ways of doing things. So, make sure to
always take the time to reward yourself for all the hard work you are doing. It is very
motivating to give yourself a treat once in a while. A reward might include going out fora
nice meal, taking a walk, going out with friends, or just taking some time to relax or
pamper yourself.

Some helpful resources for more information on overcoming perfectionism:

• When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism by M. M.Antony & R. P. Swinson
• Never Good Enough: How to Use Perfectionism to Your Advantage without Letting It Ruin Your Life by M.R. Bascon
• Perfectionism: What’s Bad about Being Too Good? By M. Adderholdt-Elliott

 

The Healing Power of Laughter

During a stressful day at work at the hospital- my coworker broke out her ipad and played us this above video. We all got a great laugh!! It got me thinking about the healing power of laughter. There have been multiple studies over the years that have shown how powerful laughter can be in our lives. This is probably not new news to you. We have all had a good belly laugh before and felt the momentary lightness it brought to our lives. Some of us are more talented then others at finding the humor in life. I can find life hilarious. My husband would tell you I have a warped sense of humor --I don't find many jokes or movies funny -but I find real life mishaps pretty funny. My poor husband has been the object of my warped sense of humor since the beginning of our relationship. When he hits his head on something -or falls down- I have had to try really hard to keep my laughter to myself. I learned early in the marriage that he did not find those things too funny. I find my own human frailties pretty funny sometimes. We all have our own views on what is funny , but the key is to find ways to laugh at life.

"It is no secret that laughing is an amazing healer. Back in 1979, The New England Journal of Medicine published a report based on Norman Cousins, a noted journalist and editor of the Saturday Review. In the 1960s Cousins had been diagnosed with a debilitating spinal disease and given a 1/500 chance of survival. Based on his belief in the importance of environment on healing, Cousins checked himself out of the hospital and into a hotel, where he took large doses of vitamin C and watched continual episodes of Candid Camera and the Marx Brothers. He found, over time, that laughter stimulated chemicals in his body that allowed him several hours of pain-free sleep. He continued the treatment until, eventually, his disease went into remission, and he was able to return to work. The study became the basis for a best-selling book, Anatomy of an Illness, as well as a television movie of the same name.
 

Since Cousin’s ground-breaking study, numerous scientists and doctors have conducted similar tests with similar results. Some are enough to make you smile. The University of Maryland, for example, conducted a study where people were shown laughter-provoking movies to gauge their effect on cardiac health. The results, presented at the American College of Cardiology, showed that laughter appeared to cause the inner lining of blood vessels to dilate, thus increasing blood flow and avoiding dangerous vessel constriction. Consistent evidence has been shown that laughter, over time, offers significant medical benefits, including boosting the immune system, lowering blood pressure, improving heart and respiratory functions, even regulating blood sugar."- Laugh Your Way to Grace, Rev. Susan Sparks (stand-up comedian and pastor)

Here are some thoughts on Laughter from Dr. Frank Lipman

http://www.drfranklipman.com/comic-relief-the-healing-power-of-laughter/

• Laughter helps boost your immune system by increasing T cell activity, those "killer cells" that help our bodies fight viruses and tumors.
• Laughter helps lower blood pressure and cortisol levels, decreases pain and can also help stabilize blood sugar.
• Laughter stimulates chemical changes in the brain that help buffer our bodies against the cumulative effects of stress.
• Laughter burns a few extra calories: According to a university study, just 10 -15 minutes worth of chuckles throughout the day can burn up to 40 calories
• Laughter stimulates the release of endorphins, the mood-elevating brain chemicals behind the "runner's high."
• Laughter helps reduce inflammation throughout the body -- good news for your heart, brain and circulatory health.
• Laughter "massages" internal organs -- which is why it's sometimes referred to as "internal jogging" -- with effects similar to exercise.
• Laughter provides a light workout for the heart, lungs, diaphragm and even the abdominal muscles.
• Laughter releases tension in the muscles of the face, neck, shoulders and abdomen -- all common areas where we tent to hold lots of tension.
• Laughter is physically and mentally therapeutic -- an involuntary response that positively alters mood instantly. What could be better?
  
  So Laugh away

"Notwithstanding my weakness"-dealing with feelings of inadequacy

As the New Year approaches- the first thing that comes to my mind is new years resolutions. Growing up my parents would gather us- as a family every New Years Day. My dad would pull out this family journal where he wrote down each of our new years resolutions. He would read to us  what we had resolved to do the previous year and then ask us to report on how we did. He would then record what we wanted to do for our next years resolution. I apreciate my parents for teaching all of us kids the value of setting goals and striving to be better. I have to admit that for me this practice sometimes left me feeling discouraged.

After I married I resolved never to make another new years resolution again. And I have kept with that goal. :) I have to say that is probably the first New Years resolution I actually kept. Now I am not saying that setting goals is bad or that we should not set new years resolutions. But for me --it was not always a happy thing to do. I tended to dwell on my failings and was left feeling inadequate.

Feelings of inadaquacy is something I know we are all familiar with at one time or another in our lives. And sometimes in the church--where we are all striving for "perfection" we can feel even more so. This is not what the gospel is about. Instead it is about hope. It is about forgiveness and repentance and about eventual perfection but only through our Savior. I loved Elder Maxwells talk on this topic and have quoted some of it below. We will talk more on this topic again in another blog as "perfectionsism" in survivors is sometimes an attempt to try to control your environment and an ineffective way to deal with trauma and PTSD.

But for now here is Elder Maxwells thoughts.

"The first thing to be said of this feeling of inadequacy is that it is normal. There is no way the Church can honestly describe where we must yet go and what we must yet do without creating a sense of immense distance. Following celestial road signs while in telestial traffic jams is not easy, especially when we are not just moving next door—or even across town.

"In a Kingdom where perfection is an eventual expectation, each other’s needs for improvement have a way of being noticed. Perceptive Jethro had plenty of data to back up the crisp counsel he gave his son-in-law Moses. (See Ex. 18.) Even prophets notice their weaknesses. Nephi persisted in a major task “notwithstanding my weakness.” (2 Ne. 33:11.) Another Nephite prophet, Jacob, wrote candidly of his “over anxiety” for those with whom he was not certain he could communicate adequately. (Jacob 4:18.)

Thus the feelings of inadequacy are common. So are the feelings of fatigue; hence, the needed warning about our becoming weary of well-doing. (See D&C 64:33.)

The scriptural advice,“Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength” (D&C 10:4) suggests paced progress, much as God used seven creative periods in preparing man and this earth. There is a difference, therefore, between being “anxiously engaged” and being over-anxious and thus underengaged.

Some of us who would not chastise a neighbor for his frailties have a field day with our own. Some of us stand before no more harsh a judge than ourselves, a judge who stubbornly refuses to admit much happy evidence and who cares nothing for due process. Fortunately, the Lord loves us more than we love ourselves. A constructive critic truly cares for that which he criticizes, including himself, whereas self-pity is the most condescending form of pity; it soon cannibalizes all other concerns.

What can we do to manage these vexing feelings of inadequacy? Here are but a few suggestions:

1. We can distinguish more clearly between divine discontent and the devil’s dissonance, between dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self. We need the first and must shun the second, remembering that when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold but also to beckon.

2. We can contemplate how far we have already come in the climb along the pathway to perfection; it is usually much farther than we acknowledge. True, we are “unprofitable servants,” but partly because when “we have done that which was our duty to do” (Luke 17:10), with every ounce of such obedience comes a bushel of blessings.

3. We can accept help as well as gladly give it. Happily, General Naaman received honest but helpful feedback, not from fellow generals, but from his orderlies. (See 2 Kgs. 5:1–14.) In the economy of heaven, God does not send thunder if a still, small voice is enough, or a prophet if a priest can do the job.

4. We can allow for the agency of others (including our children) before we assess our adequacy. Often our deliberate best is less effectual because of someone else’s worst.

5. We can write down, and act upon, more of those accumulating resolutions for self-improvement that we so often leave, unrecovered, at the edge of sleep.

6. We can admit that if we were to die today, we would be genuinely and deeply missed. Perhaps parliaments would not praise us, but no human circle is so small that it does not touch another, and another.

7.We can put our hand to the plow, looking neither back nor around, comparatively. Our gifts and opportunities differ; some are more visible and impactful. The historian Moroni felt inadequate as a writer beside the mighty Mahonri Moriancumer, who wrote overpoweringly. We all have at least one gift and an open invitation to seek “earnestly the best gifts.” (D&C 46:8.)

8. We can make quiet but more honest inventories of our strengths, since, in this connection, most of us are dishonest bookkeepers and need confirming “outside auditors.” He who was thrust down in the first estate delights to have us put ourselves down. Self-contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven. We should, of course, learn from our mistakes, but without forever studying the instant replays as if these were the game of life itself.

9. We can add to each other’s storehouse of self-esteem by giving deserved, specific commendation more often, remembering, too, that those who are breathless from going the second mile need deserved praise just as the fallen need to be lifted up.

10. We can also keep moving. Only the Lord can compare crosses, but all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. Men finally climbed Mount Everest, not by standing at its base in consuming awe, but by shouldering their packs and by placing one foot in front of another. Feet are made to move forward—not backward.

11. We can know that when we have truly given what we have, it is like paying a full tithe; it is, in that respect, all that was asked. The widow who cast in her two mites was neither self-conscious nor searching for mortal approval.

12. We can allow for the reality that God is more concerned with growth than with geography. Thus, those who marched in Zion’s Camp were not exploring the Missouri countryside but their own possibilities.

13. We can learn that at the center of our agency is our freedom to form a healthy attitude toward whatever circumstances we are placed in! Those, for instance, who stretch themselves in service—though laced with limiting diseases—are often the healthiest among us! The Spirit can drive the flesh beyond where the body first agrees to go!

14. Finally, we can accept this stunning, irrevocable truth: Our Lord can lift us from deep despair and cradle us midst any care. We cannot tell Him anything about aloneness or nearness

Yes, brothers and sisters, this is a gospel of grand expectations, but God’s grace is sufficient for each of us. Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage, and our personal progress should be yet another way we witness to the wonder of it all!

True, there are no instant Christians, but there are constant Christians!

If we so live, we too can say in personal prospectus, “And I soon go to the place of my rest, which is with my Redeemer; for … then shall I see his face with pleasure” (Enos 1:27; italics added) for then will our confidence“wax strong in the presence of God,” (D&C 121:45; italics added), and He who cannot lie will attest to our adequacy with the warm words “Well done.”
-"Notwithstandin my Weakness." Elder Maxwell 

Dear Secondary Survivor, I'm so sorry

While reading Jennifer's post on Secondary Survivors I was flooded with thoughts and emotions regarding everyone that is considered a secondary survivor because of their relationship with me.  The emotions I've experienced have gone from every spectrum imaginable making it hard to write about. 

I would be the first person to admit that I know it can be hard to be a secondary survivor.  To you that are I say, "I am so sorry".  As the survivor I feel as though the effects of the abuse have continued through me to you regardless of how hard I try to stop it.  You have been effected as well. 

Jennifer wrote, "It can be confusing, heart wrenching, and exhausting to love a survivor of childhood sexual abuse." This is true however as a survivor it feeds into my incorrect belief that I am broken beyond repair, not normal, am too much for others to handle, hard to love, confuse people with my emotions and behaviors, and I'm better off keeping people at a distance than them being hurt by me.  

Relationships between survivors and secondary survivors can be one of the most difficult relationships you can have but also the most rewarding.  As a survivor those around me unfortunately are often triggers as well.  Sometimes a simple hug from a loved one causes me to quickly recoil and feel panicked, triggering feelings from the abuse.  Other times however they are a source of healing providing opportunities to learn how to trust again or slowly work through triggers together.  

I asked my best friend a few questions regarding being a secondary survivor.  Her answers are specific to her own experiences and each individual situation is different however she talks about some great principles that can help anyone or at least validate you are not alone in your feelings. 

 How have you worked through a situation when your loved one was triggered? 

"If my survivor is triggered either by me or the situation, I think it's important to not let your own feelings get in the way of the situation. The one or two times that's happened between us, it was hard not to get upset or confused, but I just had to walk away from the situation. I think it's different with everyone. With you, you needed your own alone time, you needed to process things by yourself. Others might need to talk it out to understand. It's very important to be completely flexible with survivors. That's one thing I've learned since being your friend. Some days, you wanted to share, others you had NO desire, whatsoever and abhorred the idea. Flexibility I think enabled me to be there for you when you needed it most." 

How do you work through or process situations & feelings the survivor has that you don't understand? 

"I have been told I have a tremendous amount of empathy; and I think that has been the one thing that has helped me the most to help you. So if you don't have empathy, learn to develop it and quick! The other thing I could say is to try and relate the feelings to something I've experienced. No, I have not experienced half the trauma you have in my life, but I have had hard times. Everyone faces some trial in their life and I think that the feelings and emotions we go through run through the same veins. We are all hurt...though some more than others, but as humans we can all relate to hurt on some level. I think it's VERY important not to try to dumb down a survivors feelings, nor make yours to be equal...but to have understanding and empathy is important."

"Also, the situations that I don't understand...plain and simple. Accept the fact that you don't understand. Have compassion anyway. try to understand their feelings anyway. We don't have to understand everything that others go through to have a relationship with them. I can't solve all of your problems. The only thing I can do is try to make them lighter by whatever means I can. I can't kick myself or be frustrated with myself for not understanding the situation. But I can be there for you. I can help YOU to understand the feelings and situations." 

I once dated someone who was convinced he understood what I was going through and knew how to solve it and how help.  As as survivor it can be extremely frustrating to have someone who has not experienced what you have gone through say they completely understand what you are experiencing.  Even if they have gone through something similar all abuse and situations are unique and individual.  Personally those who are open, genuine, compassionate, and empathetic, not trying to force their own ideals on me have brought about the most healing.  

Have you ever felt: "helplessness, guilt, shame, loss of intimacy, loss of routine, frustration, need for retaliation, over protection, anger" due to the abuse your loved one has gone through? 

"Have I ever felt those feelings? YOU BET! Yes, I am incredibly angry and frustrated. It's not fair! People shouldn't do those things to other people. People as awesome as you should not have to go through things like that. But then I think why is she so awesome? The answer undoubtedly has part of your past to do with it. You are who you are because of what you've gone through. Who knows what kind of inner strength you would have had you not faced that trial. Who knows where you'd be in life. I mean, honestly, think about it. Your relationship with our Savior has everything to do with the abuse you faced. You saw the Savior in your darkest times and you created a relationship with Him unequal to any other relationship. That's amazing. How would you have done that otherwise? Yeah, it's not fair." 

Overall, what has helped YOU as a secondary survivor to help the survivor and to help your self?

 "I had to be flexible, understanding, empathetic, and know that I couldn't fix it. That's a big thing. As a "secondary survivor" you must know you can't fix it.  I've gotten so frustrated with what you're going through and to be honest, I haven't understood fully. At times I want to shake you and say GET OVER IT! Look at what you've come through already. YOU CAN DO IT! I would get so upset after conversations we'd have when I felt like nothing I said helped and that hurt and made me mad."

 "At times I felt like you weren't trying to help yourself and so I took that upon myself to try and fix. It took a lot of humbling and prayer and understanding to get to the point where I am now. And that point is that I can't fix it. You can. And you will. In your own time.  IN YOUR OWN TIME. Not mine. Not your therapist. No one's but yours. After I figured that out, it became easier to do what YOU needed me there for. Whatever that may be. I needed to get out of my own way to let you do this YOUR way. I didn't (and sometimes, still don't) understand what it is you're going through this time around but I don't have to understand. I just have to stick by your side, love you unconditionally, and be there when you need my shoulder to cry on or my ear to listen. That's how you help a survivor. You be there for whatever it is they need.  When you figure that out, it's easier to figure out what to do to help." 

As much as I feel I am to blame for the hurt, lost opportunities, and lack of intimacy with my loved ones we must remember we are not to blame.  However that does not change the fact that those around us have been affected.  To that I say again, "I am so, so sorry."  

"Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become “a saint through the atonement of Christ.” The pain you and I experience may be where this process is most measured. In extremity, we can become as children in our hearts, humble ourselves, and “pray and work and wait” patiently for the healing of our bodies and our souls. As Job, after being refined through our trials, we “shall come forth as gold.” 

(The Atonement Covers All Pain, Elder Richards)

 

n be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf

it can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf

can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf

can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf

can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf

can be confusing, heartwrenching and exhausting to love a survivor of child abuse. It is important to care for yourself and you should never feel quilty or sefish for caring for your many emotions. There are many emotions that you feel as you try to support your loved one. - See more at: http://heartsasgold.blogspot.com/#sthash.WyCqsPmk.dpuf