We are children of God and he has given angels charge concerning us!!

I know there are days (and probably years) when you have not felt like a precious child of our Heavenly Father. You may not have known how it felt to be cherished and unconditionally loved. There is one that does love us each unconditionally.  I am sure there have been many times where it would be easy to doubt his awarenss of us down here on earth, but I believe that he is aware of us and that he does send angles to watch over us. I love this beautiful quote by President George Q. Cannon.  

“There is not one of us but what God’s love has been expended upon. There is not one of us that He has not cared for and caressed. There is not one of us that He has not desired to save, and that He has not devised means to save. There is not one of us that He has not given His angels charge concerning. We may be insignificant and contemptible in our own eyes, and in the eyes of others, but the truth remains that we are the children of God, and that He has actually given His angels—invisible beings of power and might—charge concerning us, and they watch over us and have us in their keeping."

Can you think of small moments that you have felt his awareness of you. It is usually in little ways. But as we keep track of those times in our life we can turn to those memories during the tougher times.

I can think of two times that stand out in my memory of when I felt god was aware of me. One day during my college years when I was nearing the end of my senior year and I was feeling ugly, lonely, lost and confused -I went to the temple to think and ponder. A sweet little elderly temple worker came up to me and said that she felt that she just needed to tell me how beautiful she thought I was. She did not know what I was struggling with at the time and I have never seen her since. But I felt the spirit witness to me that God was aware of how I was feeling. Another time around those same years I was home for the summer from college. I had not spoken to any of my high school friends in years. I was feeling very alone and again that no one cared. I was tearful expressing my loneliness in my room to God in prayer when my mom called me down to say that a high school friend of mine was at the door. This friend said she had been walking down the street and something told her to stop and ring the door bell. She did not know if I even still lived there -but decided to take the chance. Again I felt the Lord was letting me know that he was aware of me. Now these are small and insignificant examples and I have had many more. But more than what happened --it was the spirit and the feelings that I felt. I felt the Lord was close by. What you can you do to feel those feelings of the Lord more in your life? How can you allow yourself to more freely feel those feelings of love from him and from yourself?

Marital Rape

As I have worked with adult victims of sexual abuse I have found that there are some that continue to be sexually abused within their own marriages and some do not recognize it. Any time someone forces himself on you sexually without your consent, this can be sexual assault or rape. Even if you’re married to or in a relationship with the person who is assaulting or raping you, it is real rape and real assault. Please know that you have the right to say “no,” even to your husband, and you have the right to expect that he listen to you. If your spouse or dating partner is making sexual contact that you do not want and have not agreed to, he is sexually assaulting you. If he is forcing you to have sexual intercourse, he is raping you.

The below information is from:
http://www.rainn.org/public-policy/sexual-assault-issues/marital-rape

Marital rape is a serious form of violence that can have life-shattering effects for its victims. While marital rape has been illegal in every state and the District of Columbia since 1993, it is infrequently prosecuted.

What is Marital Rape?

 

Marital rape occurs when your spouse forces you to take part in any sexual act without your consent. It is an abuse of power by which one spouse attempts to establish dominance and control over the other. Research shows that it can be equally, if not more, emotionally and physically traumatizing than rape by a stranger.

If you have experienced rape by your spouse, you have the right to make a police report.

How is Marital Rape Punished?

 

Before the 1970's criminal codes typically included a “marital rape exemption, but in the 1970's and 80s states began to criminalize marital rape and by July 1993, it was illegal in every state to rape your spouse. States took these three approaches to criminalizing marital rape:

• Some states simply abolished the marital rape exemption by striking it from the books. Under this approach, which most states followed, marital rape is treated the same as other forms of rape.
• Some states explicitly eliminated marriage as a defense to the charge of rape.
• Some states retained their marital rape exemption in the code, but enacted an additional provision creating a separate offense of marital rape (sometimes with lesser penalties than for other forms of rape).

Despite these changes in state laws, marital rape is still prevalent today; and, like other forms of rape, it remains one of the least reported crimes. 

• Some states have imposed extra reporting requirements on victims, e.g., a shorter deadline (30 days or one year) for reporting the incident;
• Some states make it harder to prove marital rape than other forms of rape, e.g., by requiring a showing that force or threats were used (when other laws against rape require only a showing of lack of consent). 

 

For detailed information on your state’s current requirements, consult your state coalition against sexual assault.

What Special Issues Do Victims Face?

• Longer recovery from trauma. Reasons include lack of recognition and ability to share the pain, and the profound sense of a betrayal of trust.
• Higher likelihood of repeated assaults.
• Pressure to stay with perpetrator. A victim with children who lacks outside employment may be financially dependent on the spouse and feel there is no way to leave the situation, and the victim may face additional pressure from family members or friends to remain with the perpetrator.
• Difficulty identifying what happened as a crime. A victim may find it difficult, for cultural reasons, to define the other spouse’s conduct as rape or identify someone she married and loves as a “rapist.”

Please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE for help at any hour of the day or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline.

Dissociative Disorders defined by NAMI

I have copied this article in its entirity from the National Association of Mental Illness website. http://nami.org/content/contentgroups/helpline1/dissociative_disorders.htm

Dissociative disorders are so-called because they are marked by a dissociation from or interruption of a person's fundamental aspects of waking consciousness (such as one's personal identity, one's personal history, etc.). Dissociative disorders come in many forms, the most famous of which is dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). All of the dissociative disorders are thought to stem from trauma experienced by the individual with this disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience too traumatic to integrate with his conscious self. Symptoms of these disorders, or even one or more of the disorders themselves, are also seen in a number of other mental illnesses, including post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Dissociative amnesia: This disorder is characterized by a blocking out of critical personal information, usually of a traumatic or stressful nature. Dissociative amnesia, unlike other types of amnesia, does not result from other medical trauma (e.g. a blow to the head). Dissociative amnesia has several subtypes:

• Localized amnesia is present in an individual who has no memory of specific events that took place, usually traumatic. The loss of memory is localized with a specific window of time. For example, a survivor of a car wreck who has no memory of the experience until two days later is experiencing localized amnesia.
• Selective amnesia happens when a person can recall only small parts of events that took place in a defined period of time. For example, an abuse victim may recall only some parts of the series of events around the abuse.
• Generalized amnesia is diagnosed when a person's amnesia encompasses his or her entire life.
• Systematized amnesia is characterized by a loss of memory for a specific category of information. A person with this disorder might, for example, be missing all memories about one specific family member.

Dissociative fugue is a rare disorder. An individual with dissociative fugue suddenly and unexpectedly takes physical leave of his or her surroundings and sets off on a journey of some kind. These journeys can last hours, or even several days or months. Individuals experiencing a dissociative fugue have traveled over thousands of miles. An individual in a fugue state is unaware of or confused about his identity, and in some cases will assume a new identity (although this is the exception).

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), which has been known as multiple personality disorder, is the most famous of the dissociative disorders. An individual suffering from DID has more than one distinct identity or personality state that surfaces in the individual on a recurring basis. This disorder is also marked by differences in memory which vary with the individual's "alters," or other personalities. For more information on this, see the NAMI factsheet on dissociative identity disorder.

Depersonalization disorder is marked by a feeling of detachment or distance from one's own experience, body, or self. These feelings of depersonalization are recurrent. Of the dissociative disorders, depersonalization is the one most easily identified with by the general public; one can easily relate to feeling as they in a dream, or being "spaced out." Feeling out of control of one's actions and movements is something that people describe when intoxicated. An individual with depersonalization disorder has this experience so frequently and so severely that it interrupts his or her functioning and experience. A person's experience with depersonalization can be so severe that he or she believes the external world is unreal or distorted.

Treatment
Since dissociative disorders seem to be triggered as a response to trauma or abuse, treatment for individuals with such a disorder may stress psychotherapy, although a combination of psychopharmacological and psychosocial treatments is often used. Many of the symptoms of dissociative disorders occur with other disorders, such as anxiety and depression, and can be controlled by the same drugs used to treat those disorders. A person in treatment for a dissociative disorder might benefit from antidepressants or antianxiety medication.

False Memory Syndrome

When I was studying social work in college in the first couple of years of the 1990's I remember learning about an organization called the False Memory Syndrome Foundation. The idea that adults were being led by therapist to falsley recall memories of abuse that never happened- was the latest "buzz". Although many many studies since have disclaimed this assumption, I know that the idea lingers on with some. I wanted to share just a few thoughts on the subject. There are multiple studies that you can refer to on the internet and in professional literature-too many to put in here. I thought that this website did a good job of concisely pulling together some important information and so I quote them below. http://www.asca.org.au/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=52

The False Memory Syndrome Foundation was established in 1992 as an advocacy organisation for people claiming to be falsely accused of sexual abuse.The Foundation was formed primarily through the efforts of Peter and Pamela Freyd (step-siblings and husband and wife) after they became aware that their adult daughter had disclosed to her husband that her father had sexually abused her as a child. Their daughter, Prof. Jennifer Freyd, is a respected professor of psychology who has since written extensively on the impact of child abuse on memory.

To start with the foundation itself, there have been a number of concerns about their activites.

• The Foundation’s founders and members diagnose thousands of people with FMS without actually meeting them.
• The FMSF confabulates figures to create an “epidemic” of FMS for which there is no epidemiological evidence.
• The Foundation accepts all denials of sexual abuse as true without asking for evidence, whilst stating that memories of sexual abuse are likely to be false unless there is evidence.
• The Foundation founders and members have engaged in campaigns of harassment, defamation and intimidation against adults complaining of sexual abuse and the professionals who provide them with care.
• The Foundation’s founders and members have regularly threatened legal action to silence their critics, and have a history of unsuccessful court action against others for “defamation” (e.g. Freyd and Freyd vs Whitfield, Underwager and Wakefield vs Salter).
• The Foundation’s founders and members have deliberately misrepresented cases of sexual abuse in order to further their personal and political goals.
• The board members of the Foundation make a considerable amount of money as “expert witnesses” as part of the defence teams for people accused of sexual abuse and other crimes.

What is “False Memory Syndrome”?

The definition of the syndrome is vague, and Pamela Freyd was unable to provide a list of symptoms or signs a year after establishing the Foundation.  It was later defined by Kilhstrom as:

“a condition in which a person's identity and interpersonal relationships are centered around a memory of traumatic experience which is objectively false but in which the person strongly believes.”
There have been a number of criticisms of FMS, such as:

• The definition of the syndrome did not evolve from clinical studies, but instead it is based on the accounts of parents claiming to be false accused of sexual abuse.*
• The syndrome is based on vague, unsubstantiated generalisations that do not hold up to scientific scrutiny. *
• The primary purpose of the syndrome is to discredit the testimony of people alleging child sexual abuse in court.*
• No empirical validation has been offered for the syndrome, nor have the symptoms been described and studied.*
• Where empirical evidence has been preferred for “False Memory Syndrome”, it has involved evidence of general memory errors rather then evidence of vivid, confabulated memories of child sexual abuse.*
• The syndrome has never been accepted as a valid diagnosis by any professional organisation, and use of the term in academic literature has prompted heated criticism.

What is “Recovered Memory Therapy”?


The FMSF claims that “False Memory Syndrome” is caused by “Recovered Memory Therapy”. There is no psychological therapy called “Recovered Memory Therapy”, and the term was invented by the Foundation in 1992 to describe any form of therapy in which a client might disclose memories of sexual abuse in childhood.

The FMSF argues that a recovered memory is likely to be a false memory, and that recovered memories are usually caused by therapists practing “Recovered Memory Therapy”. A number of criticisms can be made of this argument:

• The FMSF lumps evidence-based treatment for traumatic amnesia with fringe therapies under the term RMT, in an apparent attempt to discredit all treatment modalities for people with traumatic amnesia.
• A substantial proportion of those who recover memories do so without ever having participated in therapy, and where people recover memories whilst participating in therapy, most memories are recalled outside of therapy and without the use of specific memory techniques.
• In a review of 30 former patients who sued their therapists for implanting false memories, Scheflin and Brown (1999) found that none of the cases involved therapy that could be characterised as “recovered memory therapy” e.g. a single-minded focus on recovering memories, or a client being misled in treatment.
• After undertaking a review of research, Lindsay and Read (1994) concluded “there is little reason to fear that a few suggestive questions will lead psychotherapy clients to conjure up vivid and compelling illusory memories of childhood sexual abuse”.
• It is extremely difficult to make people believe that a painful or graphic event occurred in their lives when it did not.

I find it interesting that the two terms 'false memory syndrome' and 'recovered memory therapy' remain unacknowledged by the standard guide for professionals in the mental health field-The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders.

"...The FMSF's 2,056 unsubstantiated reports of 'false memory' must be
understood in relation to the estimated millions of cases of sexual abuse and subsequent
traumatic amnesia in our society. Rather than demonstrating an epidemic of false
memories, the statistics provided by the FMSF demonstrate just the opposite: In spite of
heavy media coverage, relatively few families have contacted or joined the organization.
Furthermore, the incidence of false memory claims, which was never significant in
proportion to the population, has declined steadily since 1992." The Treating Abuse Today Stephanie J. Dallam, RN, MSN, FNP:

While some accused and convicted child molesters have inappropriately influenced the media, the public, and many in the clinical and legal professions by claiming that traumatic amnesia does not occur in child sexual abuse, workers in the field of trauma psychology have accumulated solid empirical evidence over the past 100 years that it does occur and is common. Its existence and natural history are documented throughout the clinical literature. This review describes extensive evidence that traumatic amnesia is a real part of the effects and the natural history of child sexual abuse. (Traumatic Amnesia: The Evolution of Our Understanding From a Clinical and Legal Perspective, by Charles L. Whitfield, MD. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 4, 2, 1997.)

"Despite this documentation for both traumatic amnesia and essentially accurate delayed recall, memory science is often presented as if it supports the view that traumatic amnesia is very unlikely or perhaps impossible and that a great many, perhaps a majority, maybe even all, recovered memories of abuse are false....Yet no research supports such an implication...and a great deal of research supports the premise that forgetting sexual abuse is fairly common and that recovered memories are sometimes essentially true." Science in the Memory Debate, p. 107 Jennifer J. Freyd PHD. (She also authored Betrayl Trauma:The Logic of Forgetting Childhood abuse.)

I guess it is pretty clear by what I have shared, that I feel strongly that our first instinct when someone discloses sexual abuse is to believe.  Those I have counselled already struggle believing the abuse themselves.

 

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HEAR MORE OF? and a request for your help!

There is of course so much more to write about on this blog, but I would love some feedback as to what you feel you need to hear. I have merely touched on some topics, all of which can be talked about it far more detail.

I have purposely steered away from forgiveness, as this is such a difficult topic for me to write about. When I hear of the suffering you have endured I feel alot of anger, and do not feel forgiveness in my heart for your abusers. Having never really had to go through the process of forgiving someone who deeply hurt me --I feel that I am not an expert in this area. I can write about it, but I would love instead for you to write about it..the good the bad and the ugly. I would rather you hear it from each other. What has helped you? Where are you in the process? What has not helped you? Will you email your thoughts to me and I will anonomously post some of your thoughts. Please?! Send your thoughts to considerthelilies28@gmail.com

"I will not fail thee nor forsake thee"

I have spent the past few days helping a friend of mine move out of the house that she has lived in for the last 20 +years. There- she has memories of precious years raising her daughter and living with her husband -who passed away from cancer when their daughter was just 8. This friend has been a great example to me of perseverence and faith.

Personally I think that becoming a widow at such a young age is enough trial for one life time! Yet since then, there has continued to be one trial after another. I won't share all that she has been through, but will name a few. She has battled her own breast cancer, struggled with anxiety and depression, lost the support of close family members and struggled financially.  As a result of financial stressors she is having to leave her home. As I think of the trials she has been through- I find myself asking "why would one person have to endure so much." I have asked this question before! When I see the struggles of those I come in contact with through my work as a counselor and social worker-- I am often struck by the fact that life is full of trials!  And no on is exempt! It may appear from the outside that others have it easier, but as a counselor, I see first hand that this is just not true.

When I was in high school I thought that maybe I was one of those who was going to luck out. I had a pretty easy life and a good family. During my senior year of high school a good friend of mine shared with me that her brother had sexually abused her growing up. I remember wondering how life could be so unfair. Why had she suffered, when my life had been so easy. I remember going upstairs that day and asking my mom "why is my life so easy and so many other people suffer so much?" I will never forget her answer. She matter of factly stated,"You are still young, our family is still young -there will be trials ahead."   That is not what I wanted to hear, but of course she was right." We do all have trials. President Monson has said.


"As I have traveled far and wide throughout the world fulfilling the responsibilities of my calling, I have come to know many things—not the least of which is that sadness and suffering are universal. I cannot begin to measure all of the heartache and sorrow I have witnessed as I have visited with those who are dealing with grief, experiencing illness, facing divorce, struggling with a wayward son or daughter, or suffering the consequences of sin. The list could go on and on, for there are countless problems which can befall us."

I do believe that sometimes our trials are there to help us grow and yet other times they are a result of someone elses bad choices. Either way-the Lord can use our trials and experiences to mold us into something even stronger and better !

Again President Monson said

"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."

You may feel that no one truly understand the suffering you have endured, but there is one who understands.

"He Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (President Monson  "I Will Not Fail thee nor Forsake thee" Ensign, Oct 2013)

What difference does knowing this make to you?  How can it help you through the healing process?

Slow Down, Rest Up, Replenish & Refill

My life has ran away from me the last two weeks.  I enjoy being busy, feeling productive, and active . Personally having a full schedule is something that keeps me going however while taking a moment to catch my breath today I realized...again...that in the healing process I must take time to slow down, rest up, replenish, and refill.

“Take time to slow down and ponder so that you can feel the Lord’s love for you.”  (Bonnie D. Parkin)

While running around, serving, doing laundry, teaching lessons, and everything else it is easy to keep my self distracted from feeling.  Even thought there are times when triggers pop up and emotions overtake me most of the time when I am too busy it is hard to feel emotions.  It can be hard knowing that some of the feelings I have are just painful and I don't want to feel them, so I don't and instead fill my schedule up so much its hard to even think at times.  This, however does not lead to healing.  Overcoming the effects of childhood sexual abuse is my goal and to do this I must take time to slow down and let myself feel, even the "not so fun" feelings. 

 

His Grace is Sufficient

As we have talked about- Shame is one of the most powerful and harmful result of childhood abuse. Adult survivors often live in a constant state of shame, self critisism and self blame. They have powerful inner critics that berate them for any real or imagined mistake. They may set unreasonable expectations and never be satisfied with their efforts. A shame bound person finds it hard to take compliments or take in love and compassion from others.

So how then does one heal from shame? Some recent studies have shown that compassion actually changes the neurons of the brain and repairs shame. Compassion from others and compassion for self!!

This seemed pretty obvious to me --the kinder others are to us and we are to ourselves- the less shame we feel. This is pretty basic stuff. But what I like about these studies is that it gives validity to what we have always known! It shows that not only will we feel less shame -but that we can actually grow new neurons and new synaptic connections that proactively repair (and re-pair) the old shame memory with new experiences of self-compassion. The feelings of being unlovable and the feelings of shame that are stuck in our neural circuitry due to the abuse --now become unstuck and new neural connections are made. The brain is pretty amazing!!

Research done on self-compassion by researcher and social psychologist Kristin Neff from the University of Texas at Austin discovered that self-compassion acts as an antidote to self-criticism. Self-compassion triggers the release of oxytocin, (the hormone that increases feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201307/how-compassion-can-heal-shame-childhood

Although you may already know this -the ability to have self compassion is not so easy. What are some ways that you have shown compassion for yourself? How can you be more compassionate to yourself?

This is where the gospel plays a part. We can look to the Savior for a perfect example. His grace and his unconditional love are an antidote for shame and doubt. Christ knew that in this life we would not be perfect and yet he loves us perfectly! He taught us that his grace is sufficient for all!!!

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." Ether 12:27

One of my favorite speakers on grace is Brad Wilcox. He has written some of my favorite books and gives a wonderful BYU talk. In this talk he says;

"Too many are giving up on the Church ( I would also add themselves) because they are tired of constantly feeling like they are falling short. They have tried in the past, but they continually feel like they are just not good enough. They don’t understand grace.

There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13).

Grace is not a booster engine that kicks in once our fuel supply is exhausted. Rather, it is our constant energy source. It is not the light at the end of the tunnel but the light that moves us through the tunnel. Grace is not achieved somewhere down the road. It is received right here and right now."
How can you gain a stronger testimony of Christs love for your..how you can learn to feel of his love--when you have taught yourself not to feel as a way to protect yourself?

Ill Go Where you Want me to Go.

This song came in my mind this morning as I was thinking of the healing process.

It may not be on the mountain height

Or over the stormy sea,

It may not be at the battle's front

My Lord will have need of me.

But if, by a still, small voice he calls

To paths that I do not know,

I'll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:

I'll go where you want me to go.

 

(Chorus)

 

I'll go where you want me to go, dear Lord,

Over mountain or plain or sea;

I'll say what you want me to say, dear Lord;

I'll be what you want me to be.

 

Perhaps today there are loving words

Which Jesus would have me speak;

There may be now in the paths of sin

Some wand'rer whom I should seek.

O Savior, if thou wilt be my guide,

Tho dark and rugged the way,

My voice shall echo the message sweet:

I'll say what you want me to say.

 

 There's surely somewhere a lowly place

In earth's harvest fields so wide

Where I may labor through life's short day

For Jesus, the Crucified.

So trusting my all to thy tender care,

And knowing thou lovest me,

I'll do thy will with a heart sincere:

I'll be what you want me to be.

 

Text: Mary Brown, 1856-1918

Music: Carrie E. Rounsefell, 1861-1930

 

 

In our Church we usually think of this song as related to missionary work, but today I saw how much it relates to healing. There are many things that you may be asked to do that feel almost impossible- in the healing process. For you --like the first verse says -it WILL feel like it is on the battle front. But as the last verse says; trusting in the Lords tender care and knowing that he loves you will help you be able to be what he wants you to be. Like I talked about earlier -he knows what you are capable of and sees you as you can become!!

Gratitude: A Letter to my Therapist

I recently attended a day long seminar that focused on self-improvement and opening your heart.  There were workshops on cognitive behavior therapy, self acceptance, changing your thought patterns, and so on.  At the end of the seminar we were asked to write three things down that we were going to do to apply what we learned. I said a quick prayer and to my surprise the one thing that I could write down was simply, "Write sincere thank you letters to those who have aided you".                                                                                                    
There is great strength that comes as we not only feel grateful but show our gratitude.  It's hard, I will admit on those days of being flooded with flashbacks, morning a lost childhood, or for me, seeing my past negatively effect what I'm trying to do, to be grateful.  There are days where I am just mad about the abuse that I've experienced and I'm learning that is ok but as important as it is to feel mad, sad, or just FEEL in general we must also cultivate the feelings of gratitude for what we do have.

I loved Jennifer's post on appreciating and loving our bodies.  I have been mad at my body for betraying me during times of abuse, for feeling when all I wanted was to be numb to protect myself.  I can go on about that but I'll hold off for another blog post.  But just as Jennifer mentioned as much as we might loath our bodies we must be grateful for them and the good they do for us.  The same is true for every aspect of our lives.  

           

Is it possible to be grateful for the hardships I've gone through, for experiencing childhood sexual abuse?  Am I grateful for the pain and agony, lost portions of my childhood, and struggles I face in relationships? This is something I will write more about later this week but as we seek to be grateful we must act in gratitude.  Just like any principle in the Gospel to gain a testimony of it we must act and do it first.  

The past few months I have felt overwhelming gratitude for those who have affected my life for good.  Most of the time I feel like saying "thank you" just isn't enough and it probably isn't but I'm doing what I can with what I have.

With my quest to write a few heartfelt thank you letters and show my gratitude I wanted to write a letter to my counselor.  This is something that I have been frightened to do.  I fear crossing any client/patient boundaries in anyway and negatively affecting a relationship that I can't afford to lose as I get further in healing some very deep areas of abuse or that my words of gratitude wont be accepted.  Unfortunately I have a long list of reasons holding me back to write this letter but regardless I know it will be beneficial and wanted to post it on this blog even with all of my insecurities.

To my counselor,

I need to take a moment and thank you for what you are doing for me.  I recognize that this is your job but you do it very well.  The last two years of my life as you are well aware have been trying.  I've gone from having a complete mental breakdown, being suicidal, temped to drink to relieve pain, struggling with depression, desires to cut, stop eating and the list goes on.  The struggles are still there however through counseling you've taught me the importance and skills of self soothing, validation, how to recognize when I continue the patterns of abusive thinking, and most importantly you've taught me more about the Atonement and how to apply it.  

The client/patient relationship is an interesting one.  It requires trust, honesty, openness, among other things yet it is all within a professional setting with limits and boundaries.   Feeling like an "experienced client" to many mental health professionals I appreciate your skill set, diligent efforts, and talents.

Being a client requires my own work for sure.  The growth I've experience has not just come from 50 min sessions once a week but from constantly applying what I'm learning, discovering, and being taught during that precious time.   Prior to a session I pray the Spirit will be present that both of us may be guided and enlightened on how to heal the deepest of wounds, help me to feel Gods love and  become whole.  There are many times I have felt the Spirit while meeting with you and I need to thank you for being receptive to it and not just relying on your professional training.

To simply put it, I still have a long way to go but I need you to know I am grateful for what you are doing for me.

Thank you. 

Gods love

Going right along with learning to love your body, is learning to love yourself-your whole self.
Children learn to love and feel loved--by being loved. When your parents don't love you, only loved you conditionally, expressed love in destructive ways, or did not prevent others from harming you-you are left feeling unworthy of love. As adults you will have to learn how to give yourself what you were not given as a child-unconditionaly love!

Our Heavenly Father is the greatest source of this unconditional love. President Monson said just a few weeks ago;

Gods love for us is perfect and constant! Part of learning to love yourself then is to gain a testimony of gods love for you. How have you felt of his love in your life? What did it feel like? How did you know it was him?

Can you begin to see yourself through Gods eyes? Can you begin to see yourself as who he knows you can become?

President Monson's said; "We have the responsibility to see individuals not as they are but rather as they can become" -Enisgn Oct 2012

We have that same respopnsibility to see ourselves this way. Often you see yourselves through the murky lense of abuse. You see yourself as the objet of abuse or as the symptoms that have played out in your life. Those symptoms are not who you are. Can you picture yourself as who you are without the trappings of the abuse. What is your true spirit and personality like?
 

Ways to love your body.

I was thinking about my last post and about ways we can learn to love our body. All of the suggestions I read are nice ideas -but having experienced some self loathing myself- I can attest that some of them just seemed superficial to me. I decided to post a few of them, though, thinking that maybe it might atleast get you thinking.

This is an area I am not an expert in. I go from two extremes -hating my body -to -doing everything I can to avoid thinking about my body. There has never been a time of loving and being grateful for my body and the fact that I have amazing health and rarely get sick. I have suffered from eating disorders to both extrememes-eating to much and eating to little. From excersizing to much to avoiding any form of body movement. So I would love to hear your ideas. First I will list a few things that I have done well to love my body.

• Taking long warm bath
•  Enjoy the gift of smell through burning beautiful candles
• Taking walks in nature, feeling the sun on my face, laying at the beach, listening to the wind
•  Giving and accepting hugs and kisses from my husband and kids -enjoying the wonderful feel of cuddling and holding hands.
•  Taking naps when I feel tired
• Driving with the windows down in the car to feel and smell the crisp air

Here are Margo Maine PHD's ideas.
 1.Think of your body as the vehicle to your dreams.  Honor it.  Respect it.  Fuel it.
 2.Create a list of all the things your body lets you do.  Read it and add to it often.
 3.Become aware of what your body can do each day.  Remember it is the instrument of your life,   not just an ornament.
 4.Create a list of people you admire:  people who have contributed to your life, your community, or the world.  Consider whether their appearance was important to their success and accomplishments.
 5.Walk with your head held high, supported by pride and confidence in yourself as a person.
 6.Don’t let your weight or shape keep you from activities that you enjoy.
 7.Wear comfortable clothes that you like, that express your personal style, and that feel good to your body.
 8.Count your blessings, not your blemishes.
 9.Think about all the things you could accomplish with the time and energy you currently spend worrying about your body and appearance.  Try one!
 10.Be your body’s friend and supporter, not its enemy.
 11.Consider this:  your skin replaces itself once a month, your stomach lining every five days, your liver every six weeks, and your skeleton every three months.  Your body is extraordinary—begin to respect and appreciate it.
 12.Every morning when you wake up, thank your body for resting and rejuvenating itself so you can enjoy the day.
 13.Every evening when you go to bed, tell your body how much you appreciate what it has allowed you to do throughout the day.
 14.Find a method of exercise that you enjoy and do it regularly. Don’t exercise to lose weight or to fight your body. Do it to make your body healthy and strong and because it makes you feel good.  Exercise for the Three F’s: Fun, Fitness, and Friendship.
 15.Think back to a time in your life when you felt good about your body.  Loving your body means you get to feel like that again, even in this body, at this age.
 16.Keep a list of 10 positive things about yourself—without mentioning your appearance.  Add to it daily!
 17.Put a sign on each of your mirrors saying, “I’m beautiful inside and out.”
 18.Search for the beauty in the world and in yourself.
 19.Consider that, “Life is too short to waste my time hating my body this way.”
 20.Eat when you are hungry.  Rest when you are tired.  Surround yourself with people that remind you of your inner strength and beauty.

Gods Createst Creation.

"In the premortal realm we learned that the body was part of God’s great plan of happiness for us. As it states in the family proclamation: “Spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life” (Susan W. Tanner Ensign Oct 2005.)

Those of you who have had your physical bodies abused may have a hard time believing that the body is gods createst creation--let alone part of a plan for happines. Through another's action, your body has been a source of great pain. It was not treated as the precious gift from god that it is. It has been desecrated and treated as if it had no worth. Many who have been abused as children, struggle with loving their bodies. Some may even hate their bodies. Some of you unknowingly continue to abuse your bodies..wether it is through eating disorders, self harming behaviors, substance abuse, or sexual behaviors.

"Satan learned these same eternal truths about the body, and yet his punishment is that he does not have one. Therefore he tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect." (Susan W. Tanner Ensign Oct 2005.)

Our spirit, mind and body are all interconnected. We cannot misuse one without it affecting the others. How then, can your body begin to be a source of joy for you?  Some of the self soothing we have talked about in the past-- are ways to remind yourselves of the wonderful sensory abilities our bodies have. How else can you begin today treating your body better?

Validation

Childhood abuse teaches you that you don't matter. That you are on object to be preyed upon. And when children get the courage to share about their abuse -their experience and feelings are sometimes not validated. Too often children are not believed. And as these children grow into adults they continue to find that their feelings are not validated. I don't believe this is always intentional. You may have people in your life who have validated your experience and supported you and yet still in a moment of a flashback, fear, grief, or whatever feelings that follow-they just do not understand. They may say hurtful things or may expect healing to come too quickly. It is important for you to feel validated.

It might be helpful to give what I have pasted below -to those you are close to.  You could talk about ways they can help you feel more validated. You can also validate yourself. It is important that you learn to validate your own feelings. 


VALIDATION

To validate someone is to accept, understand and nurture their feelings. To validate is to acknowledge and accept one's unique identity and individuality. When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. A few keys to validation are:

- Acknowledging the other person's feelings

- Identifying the feelings

- Offering to listen

- Helping them label the feelings

- Being there for them; remaining present

- Being patient

- Being accepting and non-judgmental


Here are some examples of validating comments:

I can see that you are really upset.

That must have left you feeling hopeless

You seem worried, troubled, scared, etc.


Here are a few questions which help the person release their feelings.

What bothers you the most about it?

How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0-10)?

How come? How so? How's that?

It sounds like you are really feeling ____. Is that it?

What else bothered you______?

By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us. Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way.  http://core.eqi.org/eqe2012d.pdf

"God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes"-More on hope

Romans 15:13 Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.

Studies show that hopeful people make healthier lifestyles choices, recover from illness and injury faster, do better in school and live longer lives. They have less depression and anxiety, higher life satisfaction and mental health. When problems arise, they are more likely to persevere, solve problems more effectively and adapt better to change. Hopeful people have more positive relationships and are better able to seek for and receive social support.
Child abusers have a way of extinquishing hope from their victims. And there have and will be times when you have felt there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

President Thomas S. Monson promises us that, “regardless of how desperate things may seem or how desperate they may yet become, … you can always have hope. Always.”

He says, “At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. … If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face......“Ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of hisresurrection, to be raised unto life eternal” (Moroni 7:41).

This is the ultimate of all we might hope for. To possess this hope is to believe that today’s pain is only a way station on the road to deliverance. It requires patience with current circumstances. It is the belief that there will be a coming day when “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain” (Revelation 21:4).   (“Looking Back and Moving Forward,” Ensign, May 2008, 90.)

So how can we increase our hope. Rusell Ballard gave a beautiful talk called  “The Joy of Hope Fulfilled,” (Ensign, Nov. 1992, 32) and suggested some steps.

1. Trust in God.
2. Focus on the positive.
3. Identify and challenge negative beliefs.
4. Associate with hopeful people and environments
5. Develop confidence.
6. Improve self-control.
7. Discover unexpected benefits.
8. Rejoice in life’s small victories.
9. Take care of yourself.

We have adressed some of these steps in previous blogs and we will adress them in future blogs. What continues to give you hope?

Myths and Facts of Sexual Abuse in Boys

I have copied and pasted this article from a good resource on men who have been sexually abused as children. Please refer to this site.  https://1in6.org/

Before addressing the myths, let’s review some key facts:

1. Boys and men can be sexually used or abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.
2. If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault.
3. Sexual abuse harms boys and girls in ways that are similar and different, but equally harmful.
4. Boys can be sexually abused by both straight men and gay men. Sexual abuse is the result of abusive behavior that takes advantage of a child’s vulnerability and is in no way related to the sexual orientation of the abusive person.
5. Whether he is gay, straight or bisexual, a boy’s sexual orientation is neither the cause or the result of sexual abuse. By focusing on the abusive nature of sexual abuse rather than the sexual aspects of the interaction, it becomes easier to understand that sexual abuse has nothing to do with a boy’s sexual orientation.
6. Girls and women can sexually abuse boys. The boys are not “lucky,” but exploited and harmed.
7. Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to sexually abuse others.

Myth 1 — Boys can’t be sexually used or abused, and if one is, he can never be a “real man.”

Everyone absorbs the myth that males aren’t victims, to some extent. It’s central to masculine gender socialization, and boys pick up on it very early in life. This myth implies that a boy or man who has been sexually used or abused will never be a “real man.” Our society expects males to be able to protect themselves. Successful men are depicted as never being vulnerable, either physically or emotionally.
Whether you agree with that definition of masculinity or not, boys are not men. They are children. They are weaker and more vulnerable than those who sexually abuse or exploit them – who use their greater size, strength and knowledge to manipulate or coerce boys into unwanted sexual experiences and staying silent. This is usually done from a position of authority (e.g., coach, teacher, religious leader) or status (e.g. older cousin, admired athlete, social leader), using whatever means are available to reduce resistance, such as attention, special privileges, money or other gifts, promises or bribes, even outright threats.
What happens to any of us as children does not need to define us as adults or men. It is important to remember that that 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused before age 18 and that those boys can grow up to be strong, powerful, courageous and healthy men. Examples are found on our website, and there are many others out there.

Myth 2 — If a boy experienced sexual arousal during abuse, he wanted and/or enjoyed it, and if he ever did partly want the sexual experiences, then they were his fault.

Many boys and men believe this myth and feel lots of guilt and shame because they got physically aroused during the abuse. It is important to understand that males can respond to sexual stimulation even in situations that are traumatic or painful. That’s just how male bodies and brains work. Those who sexually use and abuse boys know this. They often attempt to maintain secrecy, and to keep the abuse going, by telling the child that his sexual response shows he was a willing participant and complicit in the abuse. “You wanted it. You liked it,” they say.
But that doesn’t make it true. Boys are not seeking to be sexually abused or exploited. They can, however, be manipulated into experiences they do not like, or even understand, at the time.
There are many situations where a boy, after being gradually manipulated with attention, affection and gifts, feels like he wants such attention and sexual experiences. In an otherwise lonely life (for example, one lacking in parental attention or affection – even for a brief period), the attention and pleasure of sexual contact from someone the boy admires can feel good.
But in reality, it’s still about a boy who was vulnerable to manipulation. It’s still about a boy who was betrayed by someone who selfishly exploited the boy’s needs for attention and affection to use him sexually.

Myth 3 — Sexual abuse is less harmful to boys than girls.

Most studies show that the long term effects of sexual abuse can be quite damaging for both males and females. One large study, conducted by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, found that the sexual abuse of boys was more likely to involve penetration of some kind, which is associated with greater psychological harm.
The harm caused by sexual abuse mostly depends on things not determined by gender, including: the abuser’s identity, the duration of the abuse, whether the child told anyone at the time, and if so, whether the child was believed and helped.
Many boys suffer harm because adults who could believe them and help are reluctant, or refuse, to acknowledge what happened and the harm it caused. This increases the harm, especially the shame felt by boys and men, and leads many to believe they have to “tough it out” on their own. And that, of course, makes it harder to seek needed help in the midst of the abuse, or even years later when help is still needed.

Myth 4 — Most men who sexually abuse boys are gay.

Studies about this question suggest that men who have sexually abused a boy most often identify as heterosexual and often are involved in adult heterosexual relationships at the time of abusive interaction. There is no indication that a gay man is more likely to engage in sexually abusive behavior than a straight man and some studies even suggest it is less likely. But sexual abuse is not a sexual “relationship,” — it’s an assault. The sexual orientation of the abusive person is not really relevant to the abusive interaction. A man who sexually abuses or exploits boys is not engaging in a homosexual interaction – any more than men who sexually abuse or exploit girls are engaging in heterosexual behavior. He is a deeply confused individual who, for various reasons, desires to sexually use or abuse a child, and has acted on that desire.

Myth 5 — Boys abused by males must have attracted the abuse because they are gay or they become gay as a result.

There are different theories about how sexual orientation develops, but experts in human sexuality do not believe that sexual abuse or premature sexual experiences play a significant role. There is no good evidence that someone can “make” another person be homosexual or heterosexual. Sexual orientation is a complex issue and there is no single answer or theory that explains why someone identifies himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bi-sexual.
It is common, however, for boys and men who have been abused to express confusion about their sexual identity and orientation, whether they identify as straight, gay or bi-sexual. Some guys who identify as heterosexual, fear that, due to their experiences as boys, they must “really” be homosexual. They may believe this would mean that they can’t be a “real man,” as defined by the larger society. Even men who clearly indentify as heterosexual, and men who project very traditional heterosexual traits , may fear that others will “find them out” as gay or not real men. Men who identify as gay or bi-sexual may wonder if their sexual orientation was influenced in any way by the abusive experience or may even be the cause of their orientation.
Also, many boys abused by males wonder if something about them sexually attracted the person who abused them and will unknowingly attract other males who will misuse them. While these are understandable fears, they are not true. One of the great tragedies of childhood sexual abuse is how it robs a person’s natural right to discover his own sexuality in his own time.
It is very important to remember that abuse arises from the abusive persons’s failure to develop and maintain healthy adult sexual relationships, and his or her willingness to sexually use and abuse kids. It has nothing to do with the preferences or desires of the child who is abused, and therefore cannot determine a person’s natural sexual identity.

Myth 6 — If a female used or abused a boy, he was “lucky,” and if he doesn’t feel that way there’s something wrong with him.

This myth, like several of the others, comes from the image of masculinity that boys learn from very early. It says not only that males can’t be sexually abused, but that any sexual experience with girls and women, especially older ones, is evidence that he’s a “real man.” Again, the confusion comes from focusing on the sexual aspect rather than the abusive one – the exploitation and betrayal by a more powerful, trusted or admired person (who can be a child or adult).
In reality, premature, coerced or otherwise abusive or exploitive sexual experiences are never positive – whether they are imposed by an older sister, sister of a friend, baby sitter, neighbor, aunt, mother, or any other female in a position of power over a boy. At a minimum, they cause confusion and insecurity. They almost always harm boys’ and men’s capacities for trust and intimacy.
A gay man who experienced sexual arousal when abused by a female may wonder whether it means that he is actually straight or wonder what it means that he was chosen by a woman or older girl.
Being sexually used or abused, whether by males or females, can cause a variety of other emotional and psychological problems. However, boys and men often don’t recognize the connections between what happened and their later problems. To be used as a sexual object by a more powerful person, male or female, is never a good thing, and can cause lasting harm.

Myth 7 — Boys who are sexually abused will go on to abuse others

This myth is especially dangerous because it can create terrible fear in boys and men. They may not only fear becoming abusers themselves, but that others will find out they were abused and believe they’re a danger to children. Sadly, boys and men who tell of being sexually abused often are viewed more as potential perpetrators than as guys who need support.
While it is true that many (though by no means all) who sexually abuse children have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most boys who are sexually abused go on to sexually abuse others. The majority of boys do not go on to become sexually abusive as adolescents or adults; even those who do perpetrate as teenagers, if they get help when they’re young, usually don’t abuse children when they become adults.

Believing these myths is understandable, but dangerous and harmful, and needs to be overcome.

• These are myths that everyone absorbs growing up, and continues to hear as adults, usually without even thinking about it. So of course some boys and men will, at least for a while, believe them and suffer the consequences.
• So long as societies believe these myths, and teach them to children from their earliest years, many men harmed by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences won’t get the recognition and help they need.
• So long as boys or men harmed by unwanted or abusive sexual experiences believe these myths, they will feel ashamed and be less likely to seek whatever knowledge, understanding and help they need to achieve the lives they want and deserve.
• So long as boys, men and society as a whole believes these myths and males don’t get the help they need, males are more likely to join the minority who end up hurting others.
• And so long as these myths are believed, it increases the power of another devastating myth: that it was the child’s fault. It is never the fault of the child in a sexual situation – although some people are skilled at getting those they use or abuse to take on a responsibility that is always, and only, their own.

Questions and Answers about grief.

I must thank the Pandora Project. (www.pandys.org) They have given me permission to post things from their blog that I find helpful. They are a wonderful resource for survivors of rape and sexual abuse. In 2009 they had an interview with therapist Allyson Maida. I am pasting below the conversation. I was wanting to talk about grief and I will do this some more later. Grief and mourning for the life that should have been, for the loss of innocence and for all the losses that have come as a result of your abuse is a real part of the healing process. (SA refers to Sexual abuse.)


Jennifer: Hi everyone, thank you for coming tonight! Our guest speaker is Allyson Maida, CSW, and she is a therapist, consultant, and speaker. She has received a variety of award and acclamations and we are very lucky to have her some and speak with us tonight. Allyson will discuss the grief we feel as survivors, and how to heal from it.
 
Member question: Why do so many people feel like they are completely lost after surviving SA?

AllysonMaida: Everyone is born with a basic sense of trust. This is why bonding and early impressions are discussed so often in studies. When the basic level of trust that is firmly planted in the core of who we are is violated. It is in direct opposition to what we believe. This leads to us feeling lost and out of synch.

Member question: That makes sense Allyson. I have always heard that grief is limited to experiencing someone else’s death. Why do I feel so filled with grief?

AllysonMaida: First, trauma is trauma no matter how you look at it. When your core beliefs have been compromised, you are left alone to consider the situation. It sits in your mind. SA is one of the few crimes that has social consequences that are unfavorable. This is a lonely place. Lost and alone, we are separated from the world we have known - it is a place of sadness and grief.

Member question: How do I know that I am healing as I grieve?

AllysonMaida: First, let's understand that grieving is very important. It is your mind's recognition that something irreconcilable has occurred. Grieving is a means of working things through. It is about going through a process of understanding in a place where things may not be easy to understand at all. As you move through the different emotions that you feel while grieving, you are working your way towards health on your own terms - I have told many people that time doesn't heal anything. But time does give you more time to figure out how to cope.

Member question: What is happening when I have a few gooddays and then out of the blue, I have a really bad day?

AllysonMaida: It is our mind's job - actually your brain's job - to keep you healthy. If you spend all of your time thinking about upsetting information you will become unwell. Your mind seeks distractions that remove you from the problem - temporarily - so that you can progress with living. The time where someone is triggered - and recall brings them back to the trauma - it is your signal that you can manage some of the information - no matter how horrible. This is when it is best to reach out for support. I should add that this is your mind's mechanism to create balance.

Member question: I see so many posts talking about sadness and grief. Are there any specific stages to this and what does that have to do with sexual abuse?

AllysonMaida: Yes, the most famous are those created by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross many years ago. If you can remember the term "DABDA" it will help you to know the stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. SA is many things, one of which, is a formula for someone feeling intense loss. These stages help to process the trauma and come to terms with how we want to live life. Many people have said that SA is a form of inner death. Many people have also come to a place where the denial, anger, depression and bargaining have passes and they have come to accept that this happened and are determined to heal.

Member question: If one more person tells me that I should "just move on," I am going to scream. I would love to but no matter what I have done, or what I have tried to listen to I can't seem to do it. Why is that?

AllysonMaida: Move on is such a bad term. It is usually used by people who cannot understand your trauma. Most people would love to "move on", but that is not realistic. Basically, your mind has been "blown away" by something that is literally unimaginable. The only time someone just moves on is when they cannot, or decide not, to deal with the trauma - at which point they may ignore it. The bad news is that it follows them as it is irreconcilable. When you can get your thoughts in order and create a life that you can feel comfortable with, then and only then, can you progress forward. "Move on" simply shows that the other person doesn't understand.

Member question: I am so angry. I mean really angry. Not only with the perpetrator, but with something I just can’t put my finger on. Can this be explained?

AllysonMaida: The word violated is a very strong part of our language. The opposite of "violated" is "pure". If you have been violated someone has dishonored your innocence - your purity. This innocence is a part of our core. Even as we grow, we maintain portions of ourselves that are "pure". When violated, this pureness is removed without your consent. It is in conflict with the depth of who you are. The natural response to this is anger.

Member question: If being triggered means I can "manage" some of the information, why do flashbacks feel so overwhelming?

AllysonMaida: The experience of being triggered is a bit different than flashbacks. Flashbacks are a moment of recall, where triggers are the thing that sets you off. When triggered, your mind is letting some information through. Flashbacks, recall, memories...no matter what you call them can be extremely overwhelming. Which is why I suggested to reach out for help. It may seem unmanageable, but you can do it - even if takes a while. Just be sure to get support. Pandy's is great for that, by the way. These memories have a powerful impact - this is an emotionally charged issue. This is why it is so overwhelming.

Member question: How do you deal with the grief without it totally overwhelming you especially since a lot of us have trouble with depression and maybe don't have the coping mechanisms that an individual without this type of past has?

AllysonMaida: This is why I like these steps. No matter who you are or what has happened, if you have something to hold onto, something that you can refer to you will be more secure. Depression certainly muddies the waters, as does anxiety. If you can look at something like these steps and recognize where you are in your process it can be very helpful. It is grounding to have insight to your progress.

Member question: I have two children as a result of the SA I went through as a child/teen. How do I make my husband see that the children are not just part of my father, but part of me as well so that he does not take out what I went through on my children?

AllysonMaida: One way is to align them with your personal characteristics. "She looks just like me when I was young." show a photo. Recall stores of your life that the children remind you of. The more important thing is to remind your husband that these children are like any other children. They are not here to suffer for someone else's cruelty. They are individuals and it is your husband's job - as much as yours - to provide them with guidance that is healthy. You cannot do this if his focus is negative. They will tune into that "feeling". Children are more perceptive than we think.

Member question: Being "triggered" seems more like a loss of control, not a sign I can "manage". It feels to me like I'm falling more apart then managing anything, is this just me?

AllysonMaida: No, it is not just you. When I say that you can "manage" the information, I literally mean just that. When our mind allows trauma to register it can be very out of control. When we feel out of control - we certainly can feel as if we are falling apart. This is more than reasonable. Managing basically means trying to make sense of something to create order. Emotions can be horrible to manage, but we can do it little by little.

Member question: How does one know when they are ready for help?

AllysonMaida: Sometimes other people know before we do. Getting help is scary and makes us that much more vulnerable. Asking for help also allows someone else to "speak into our lives" It is a gut feeling at times. When you have an slight feeling that maybe help is a good idea - even if you then begin to argue with yourself about it - generally speaking, you are ready to extend your hand towards someone else.

Jennifer: Okay, we have time for just one more question. I'm sorry that we won't be able to get to all of the questions; they were all really thoughtful!

Member question: The void we're trying to fill, it seems so easy to fill it temporarily with negative things such as drugs or sex. How can I stop doing that?

AllysonMaida: Filling this void, which is negative space, with other negativity only causes negativity to remain. your quest is to become healthy. Drugs, being out of control, etc. is only a deterrent. When you decide that you want permanency - you are tired of fighting try something healthy. You do not have to substitute bad with bad. Fill the gap with something good. It is hard because it is out of the "norm" when everything seems so wrong. This will help to make it right.

Jennifer: Thank you so much, Allyson! This was really interesting, and we appreciate your time that you were able to spend with us tonight.

Preventing Child Abuse

Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse: Helps for Members, (1997), 4–6f

(This is from LDS.org and is a church pamphlet) Children need parents who are unselfish and loving and who are committed to their children’s happiness and success. Children need to be treated with kindness, affection, courtesy, patience, and forgiveness. Parents should express their love for them frequently and compliment and recognize them consistently for good behavior. Parents need to provide activities and tasks in which their children can experience success, acceptance, love, and family unity.

Children are helped and strengthened by appropriate and loving discipline. However, criticism or ridicule will undermine their confidence and feelings of self-worth and well-being. When these things occur over time, children may come to feel inadequate, unattractive, and unloved.

For these reasons, parents and others should strive to teach and discipline children as needed with patience and love. Loving parents will avoid any abusive conduct toward their children and will strive to protect their children from the abuse of others. Parents should learn to control their anger. They may wish to seek help from the bishop or a professional counselor if they are concerned about their or others’ behavior toward their children.

Preventing Abuse by Others

Parents can do much to protect their children from sexual abuse. They should develop a close relationship with their children and teach them what to do to guard against this great evil.

Parents should ensure that the atmosphere in the home allows children to feel comfortable in discussing sensitive matters. Children should be encouraged to talk freely about their likes and dislikes, their friends, and their true feelings. They should feel that they can tell their parents if someone approaches them in an inappropriate manner or in a way that makes them uncomfortable. (For more suggestions, see A Parent’s Guide[31125], 32–33.)

Parents should know where their children are and who they are with. They should be careful that only responsible people baby-sit or have custody of them. They should ask their children about their experiences with baby-sitters and other caregivers. Wise parents will closely monitor what happens when their children are away from home overnight. They will be alert if a teenager or adult is paying an unusual amount of attention to one of their children and carefully investigate the situation.

Parents and youth leaders should be aware of changes in a child’s behavior. Behavioral changes can be a signal that someone should talk with the child about what caused the changes.

Helping Children to Protect Themselves

Children can learn how to protect themselves against sexual abuse and exploitation. Every child should be taught that no one should touch them in inappropriate ways, and that they should resist and flee from any situation where the touching or other behavior of another person makes them feel uncomfortable. They should also be taught to tell their parents promptly of any such situation, and if someone attempts to take them away without their parents’ approval, to resist and attract the attention of others around them.


 5 Tips to Protect Your Child From Sexual Abuse

The following five safety tips from RAINN http://www.rainn.org/ focus on practical things parents can do to protect children from sexual abuse.

1. Talk
Talk often with your child and set a tone of openness. Talking openly and directly will let your child know that it’s okay to talk to you when they have questions. If your child comes to you with concerns or questions, make time to listen and talk to them.

2. Teach
Teach your child key safety principles. For instance:

•  Teach children the names of their body parts so that they have the language to ask questions and express concerns about those body parts.
• If your child is uncomfortable or if someone is touching them, s/he should tell a trusted adult immediately.
• Let your children know that if someone is touching them or talking to them in ways that make them uncomfortable that it shouldn’t stay a secret.

3. Empower
Your child should know that s/he has the right to speak up if they are uncomfortable, or if someone is touching them. It’s okay to say “no” even to adults they know and family members.

4. Implement
Implement Internet safety protocols, and parental controls through platforms such as the Google Family Safety Center. Work with older children to set guidelines for who they can talk to online, and what information can be shared. For instance, be cautious when leaving status or away messages online and when using the "check-in" feature on Facebook or Foursquare.

5. Educate
Educate yourself about the warning signs of childhood sexual abuse. Know what to look for, and the best way to respond.

If you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse, it’s not your fault. You are not alone. Help is available 24/7 through the National Sexual Assault Hotlines (800.656.HOPE)

You may feel like a “broken vessel,” but remember the “vessel is in the hands of the divine potter” -Elder Holland Oct 2013 General Conference

Like some of you-I had the wonderful opportunity to listen to General Conference this weekend and as always was inspired by the talks given. It left me feeling a little inadequate as I sat down to try to write something today. Anything I went to write -just paled in comparison to all that I have heard this weekend. So instead of trying to write something I will share one of my favorites. I believe Elder Holland has a gift of speaking. I have been touched by so many of his talks over the years and continued to do so with his talk yesterday. Take a moment to listen as he adresses the topic of mental illness. He does a wonderful job! What do you take away from his talk?

We can't simultaneously do all things the Lord has counseled us to do.

We have talked already about seasons of healing and taking small consistant steps, when we are on the path of healing. I think this is something that needs to be reiterated over and over again. Therefore, I am going to write about it again--and probably again and again :)) We tend to expect ourselves to simultaneously be able to do everything at once-especially within the mormon faith. I love Richard G. Scott . He seems to understand the complexities of life and living the gospel in an imperfect world. In April he said,

"We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time."-For Peace at home April 2013 Ensign

I love that. The Lord WILL direct us in what needs to be emphazized at each phase of life. The past 3 weeks have been overwhelming busy for me. It has been full of many many good things. Between my daughter's birthday party, helping my son finish his eagle scout project, trying to fit in time to study for an important credentialing test and then taking the  test, preparing for and doing 4 presentations (3 for church and one for work), working at the hospital and my private practice, having 2 meetings for a suicide prevention team that I am a boardmember of and starting and planning for our yearly event for Walk out of Darkness, fitting in all the kids various sports practices and games, Drs appointments, taking the kids on our traditional apple picking trip and making carmel apples....and more that I won't bore you with---it has been a busy time. You get the point. You know how it is. You can make your own list that looks the same or worse than mine.

Now all of things were important things -not fluff stuff. They were all things that matter to me. That said-it certainly did not leave very much me time. Just ask my husband, my me time is precious time for me. It is when I refill my bucket and take time to relax. Instead I found myself napping when I had a free moment. A sign to me that I might be doing too much.

Sometimes as mormons we wear our business as a badge of honor. We tend to think that the more good things on our plate to juggle- the better. This is NOT emotional health. Even the savior took moments to be alone -he went to the wilderness for 40 days, he took moments to sleep on the ship.

When I think of busy- I think of my mom. As mother of nine and symbol of selflessness in our community -she was always tired and always busy. I was reflecting on a conversation I once had with her when I was a young adult.  She shared that she had begun to hate the holiday season. I could not relate to this. She said that as the holiday would approach she would begin to get a knot in her stomache-- as she thought of all the stuff she had to do. And I can attest she did alot for Christmas! She made every day of the month exciting with tradition after tradition and simultaneoulsly did the same for neighbors and friends and those who did not have as much.

I remember saying. "why don't you just take a few things off your list, they are all good things, but if it is stressing you out it is not worth it." I was struck by what she said. She said she had gone through her list of to dos and they were all important to her. She did not want to take anything of the list. Now that I am a mom, I understand a little bit better of what she was talking about. There are so many things that we feel we want to do. It is not a choice between bad or good but a choice between better and best. Sometimes though we need to prioritize and part of that prioritization needs to be you.  That is hard for some of us to swallow. We find it easier to worry about others and put our own feelings and needs aside. If we can stay busy taking care of everyone elses needs then we don't have to face our own issues.

In the end--our own issues and needs tend to be much harder to solve. By not taking care of ourselves, we might actually be taking the easier way out. Although in our culture this is not validated. We are raised in a culture of  "loosing your life in the service of others." We are praised (by others and ourselves) for constantly being in the service of others. I have found that in fact it is much harder to sit with yourself and your feelings and actually try to figure out how to meet your own needs.  I want you to think about this some...have you made time for your healing? Do you feel guilty when you make time for it?  Or is it your first priority? I will share two of my favorite articles on this topic in following blogs.