For the entire article please go to
http://www.mormonwomen.com/2015/01/07/the-3-browns/
The Three Browns:
Deondra, Desirae and Melody Brown
Three years ago, your father was sentenced to ten years in prison for sexual abuse involving all of you. What made you break the silence after many years of abuse?
Deondra: One of our biggest goals has always been to make sure that we do everything in our power to protect other people from being hurt. When it came down to it, we realized that the risk was too big not to approach law enforcement about what had happened to us. We talked about it as sisters, and realized we didn’t want to be held responsible for potentially not saving someone’s childhood or life through our inability to come forward. We knew the risks– that it would likely go public and that there could be some fallout that we would have to deal with. However, we couldn’t live with ourselves knowing that we put other people at risk. It was a difficult decision, but we knew it was the right thing to do. One of the most amazing things is that we’ve been able to support each other. We have our amazing brothers, who have stood by us without even a second thought, and we have the support of each other as sisters. It’s hard enough to deal with things that have happened in your own life, but it’s almost worse to know that terrible things have happened to people that you love. I think to be able to know that we have each other’s backs no matter what is something that will be important for the rest of our lives.
Desirae: Our faith has really helped us cope and stay grounded; we’ve realized that our relationship with God is most important. For a long time we wanted to work things out privately as a family and through Church discipline, hoping that our father would own up to the things he had done. But eventually we felt it was important to go to law enforcement to protect other people. I feel like my faith was my guiding light during that time. I don’t know how people make these kinds of decisions without going to the Lord and petitioning Him for help.
How have you found healing?
Melody: Each of us has gone to the Lord with our questions, but we’ve also sought counseling. I believe the counseling aspect is very key because sometimes you can get direction and answers by going to a good counselor who can help you. Each of us has gone about finding healing differently. Both Desirae and Deondra find a lot of empowerment through their work with the Foundation for Survivors of Abuse. When they approached me about getting involved, I wasn’t so sure. At first I was going to go along with it just because I wanted to be there and I wanted to support the cause. But I realized that instead of empowering me, it brought me to a dark place over and over again. I realized, you know what, we’re different. We’re different people and we heal in different ways. For me, I just need time and distance from everything. The way I heal is through my art. I purge through my art. I also purge through nature–going out hiking and sailing with my husband. Being in a different area gets me away from the pain. Time is key. I feel much stronger than I did two or three years ago, but I believe more peace and healing will come as time goes on. I’m so grateful that my sisters were able to grant me the space and distance that I needed.
Deondra: Melody has a really good point. The road that Desirae and I have taken is not for everybody. Each person who has lived through terrible things like this has a different path. In some ways they may line up and in some they may be vastly different. Each is completely valid. It’s important to be understanding of different people’s personalities, experiences, and ways of life. Something that Desirae and I have realized from traveling across the country and speaking with various victims is that although prosecuting can lead to wonderful things, it is not necessarily going to be the answer for everybody. It takes a big toll on your emotions. In the U.S. one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually abused before their their 18th birthday, so whether you realize it or not, we all know someone who has lived through it. The type of understanding and compassion that Melody was talking about is what we need to extend to everyone around us. Until you walk a day in their shoes, you never know what is really going on in homes and behind closed doors. It’s important to show compassion and love to everybody.
Tell me more about your faith and the role that Mormonism played in your life all these years.
Desirae: For me personally, and I think for other abuse survivors who have grown up in the Church, it can be difficult to separate the gospel from imperfect and sometimes dangerous people within the Church. I needed to separate the Mormonism that I grew up with, in the household of an abuser, from what I felt was the true gospel. I feel like I was converted as an adult even though I was baptized as an eight-year-old. My personal conversion has been life changing. It’s been a source of comfort for me when we were prosecuting and going through family upheaval. To other abuse survivors I would just like to offer hope by saying that even if your abuser is in the Mormon community, the gospel itself is still true. The Book of Mormon is still true. And the Savior’s healing is real. The Atonement is real. It is possible to separate those beliefs from whatever abuse has happened.
Melody: It wasn’t until I was attending college that I really started to think about my faith. I remember sitting at a cafeteria table with a lot of my friends who were pursuing different mediums–music, dance, drama–and they started asking about Mormonism. There was this one drama student who was like, “So you’re telling me that you believe this guy found these gold plates and there were people that came over in barges to the Americas from Israel?” It was the first time that it clicked in my head that, wow, this really is a crazy story! I had grown up with it and I had been surrounded by people who also believed it. Even though I was answering his questions, I just started to really think, wow, do I actually believe this? I think that so many youth in the Church have to go through a similar experience when they realize, wait a minute, I’ve grown up with this, but do I actually believe this?
For me, I had to take a little break from the Church. I didn’t compromise any of my standards, but I stepped away from the Church while I tried to figure out what I really believed. When I came back, I started to realize all the things I was missing. For instance, when I stepped away from the Church I would use Sunday to practice and prepare for Monday lessons and it seemed like my week never ended. I felt my weeks getting darker and darker until finally I was like, I can’t do this anymore! I had lost that light that was so important in my youth. I had to go through this experience of separation and trying to figure out what I believed, starting at the very beginning–do I believe in God, do I believe in a Savior, do I believe in Joseph Smith and what he saw? Gradually, my testimony started coming back. It’s taken years, but I was so glad that I went through that experience before I hit this really traumatic time in my life with my family. If I hadn’t experienced that beforehand, it would have been really hard to ask the difficult questions when I was already going through a very traumatic, horrific experience. By the time we were pursuing litigation with my father and digging up those painful memories, I felt like my testimony was very strong, so I was able to draw upon deep wells of spirituality. Although I questioned why these things happened to me, in the end, I knew the gospel was true and I was able to hold on to that anchor. It really got me through that huge dark part of my life.
Thanks for sharing. I’ve become aware of a few women in my own ward who are also victims of abuse. What advice do you have for those of us who haven’t experienced abuse, but who may know someone who has? How can we minister to them?
Deondra: I’ve had several close friends–some who were even friends while the abuse was happening–who didn’t know. Usually, nobody knows when abuse is happening. My friends have since approached me and asked, “What can I do? Have I said anything that’s made it more difficult?” I think the biggest thing is to just keep doing what you’re doing. Be a listening ear, reach out to people and let them know that you really care. You don’t have to have the perfect thing to say, because nobody really knows what to say. Most of us aren’t professionals who deal with this every day. But, just be a friend. There will be days when your friend wants to talk about it, when it feels helpful to talk things through. And there will be other days when your friend doesn’t want to think about it or talk about it at all, and that’s okay. I’ve realized that the people close to me in my life can see where I’m at any given day. I’ll bring it up if I’m interested in talking about it, and if I’m not then I won’t. One of the most important things is to just love people unconditionally and realize there are going to be days when they don’t know what they feel, and other days when they’re in the midst of a lot of trauma inside their head. Just be there and show support and love.
Desirae: Regarding the Church environment, there’s a great talk by Chieko Okazaki, titled “Healing From Sexual Abuse.” She talks about how we should all assume that in every Relief Society class, in every Primary class, and in every sacrament meeting, there are people currently going through abuse, people who have been abused, and people who will be abused, so we should keep that in mind as we’re teaching lessons about chastity or forgiveness. It’s better to be educated about these things rather than go into a situation and maybe say something that could hurt people. I think her talk pinpoints how to be aware of those individuals in the Church and how to help them. Even if you don’t know who they are or even if they don’t approach you about it, keep them in mind as you’re speaking to the collective.
Melody: Always remember that there are so many silent sufferers in your meetings who don’t speak up about what has happened to them. It’s not always obvious who those people are; they don’t wear it on their sleeve. In Relief Society, a lot of people share comments about the hardships they’ve gone through, but remember there are many more people in the room going through hard things who don’t say anything. I always think about them and how a lesson might relate to them whenever I teach Relief Society or when I’m giving a talk.
Desirae and Deondra, you’ve started the Foundation for Survivors of Abuse. That’s pretty amazing. Can you tell us more about it?
Deondra: When our sexual abuse went public, it was very overwhelming. We started to receive emails from people reaching out to us and telling us their own stories, and we realized that there was a big problem in the United States, in particular with statute of limitation laws for sexual abuse crimes. Depending on what state you live in, the opportunity to come forward and press charges against a perpetrator can expire before a victim is ready to come forward. The average time is at least 15 or 16 years before victims will come forward after their abuse. It often takes decades to feel confident and secure before you can start looking at the memories that you’ve cast aside in a dark closet somewhere. After receiving all these emails we started to realize how blessed we were to be living in a state where the laws had changed so we could prosecute our father over 15 years after the abuse had happened. We researched various charities and realized there was no other foundation that supported what we wanted to do, which was change statute of limitation legislation across the country. Desirae and I talked to each other, and as overwhelming as it seemed to start a foundation, it felt like it was the right thing to do. It’s been amazing to talk with legislators both on national and state levels and share our stories of not only what we’ve lived through, but how we were able to prosecute over 15 years after the abuse. Telling them how many millions of people don’t have that opportunity is heartbreaking. Seeing the response that we’ve had so far has been overwhelming. I look at my almost four-year-old daughter, and I think, hopefully, it’s a safer place for her when she grows up. We do this for little kids so that they can grow up in a world where if something terrible like this did happen, at least they and other victims would know they are protected by the law in their state and country. Unfortunately, too many people have these terrible crimes in common and it’s difficult for us when we see how many people have been hurt similarly to us. I’ve felt this overwhelming sense of community and compassion from strangers because we have all lived through terrible things. We’re all standing by supporting each other in whatever way we can to help lead change.
You’ve all come a long way, both in your personal and professional lives. How do your spouses support you?
Desirae: Our spouses knew what they were getting into, marrying professional musicians. My husband is also a professional musician–he’s a concert violinist–so we definitely understand each other and support each other. That understanding and support is what we bought into when we got married. Now that I have two kids, life is more complicated but so much more wonderful. We just have to schedule things out and look further in advance and plan for things, but life is so full. One of our Juilliard teachers explained to us that most classical-performing touring musicians don’t have rich family lives, just to make sure that we knew what we were getting into. Because of this, the five of us have made very conscious decisions to limit our schedules and how long we are gone on tour, and to not perform on Sundays. Our management wasn’t super thrilled to hear this, but nonetheless has helped us schedule in such a way that we can have a family life. It’s tricky but not impossible. Our families and our relationships with each other as siblings always come first. We always check in with each other to make sure everybody’s happy, and if they’re not we see what adjustments can be made, because if everybody’s happy then we can continue to play together.
- See more at: http://www.mormonwomen.com/2015/01/07/the-3-browns/#sthash.tFRINAvO.dpuf
