Guest Post - Alice Fox: Please Don't Judge Me

We are grateful for Alice and her desire to write as a guest on our blog.  The following post does contain materiel that may be triggering to some.  Thank you Alice for being honest enough to help others. 

"I can hardly believe that I am writing this. It is probably the last the on the earth that I would choose to write. This issues is, as I understand it, rather common. It also is not addressed in what little LDS, or Christian trauma healing writings. My shame is... suffocating. My shame has depth. But, as I have written before, shame come largely from secrecy- and out culture and faith should not place shame on survivors.
   This might be a rather triggering post- so take care of your self please.
      Everything that happened to me as a kid is horrible, but I never hated myself for any of it. I have feared myself, undervalued myself, ignored myself, etc but I have never hated myself as I do now.
    Since my flashback memories a year and a half ago I have not been worthy to go to the temple because of morality issues.  With my bishop and my counselor I am learning that my problems, however, are not so much addictions as coping mechanisms. This doesn't make them okay, but it helps me deal with the real issues.
     Both my counselor and my bishop have told me that it is quite common for survivors of sexual abuse to become hyper sexual; pornography, masturbation, deviancy, promiscuity, and everything else in that realm, are common reactions (the opposite end, hypo sexuality, is common as well as I understand it). This isn't because I am broken or messed up or bad, as much as my brain tries to tell me that. This is simply an extremely unfortunate byproduct of my experiences.
     My bishop explained that these things happen for a few reasons. 1). Our brains are trying to process all the childhood crap, and so sex in some form or another is in our brains much more than a normal human- and bodies..ya know... I can't finish that sentence. 2). Hyper sexuality gives a person an opportunity to try and process and understand so many confusing things that happened when we were kids, and we can process in a grown ups brain the thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 3). It is a way to try and take back control of what was taken from us. 4). It can add current understanding, giving us power. In my brain power equals safety.
    
     I hope this helps some, and I hope you don't judge me. I do that enough. Please be kind to yourself and love yourself as God loves you, with compassion, mercy, and understanding"

Guest Post - Alace Fox: Life Hurts Less That Wa

Alice again. 

 

     It's been really hard these last few weeks, though I don't know why I haven't accepted this as the norm yet. Sometimes I feel normal. Sometimes I fell as though I am waiting for Satan to drag me back to hell. Sometimes I fell like I am walking myself strait to hell. I don't much care for it all. 

     I think that perhaps part of the reason life has been so difficult recently (though by no means close to the whole reason, or a majority of the why) is that I have been reading one of my favorite books Mistborn. The main character in the story is a teen age girl named Vin who grew up on the streets in 'crews' that rob the rich to survive. Her whole life is fear, and staying alive one more day. Then she discovers she has magic (yes it is a fantasy) and her life changes. Vin gets in on a new crew where the team operates on trust instead of self defense. A bunch more stuff happens, the world ends, nobody is happy, and everyone dies. Its a really good book; you should read it. 

     As the story goes along you travel with Vin through her journey between fear of betrayal and choosing to trust. Brandon Sanderson, the author, does amazing at creating whole persons, not just characters, and you get really sucked into Vin's struggle, which is trust. Trust is pretty well my least favorite subject on the face of the planet. To me trust is pain.

                             

     To trust someone means that you think they will bring more happiness than they will pain, but there will still be pain. You see, the problem is everybody lies, and everybody leaves; and all that's left is pain. Friendships are more of convenient relationships. People who said they would be 'there' get married, or move, or normally both. Folks say they will support you, and then don't. Someone gets to busy to consider me human, and worth a 10 second text. I guess I don't mean much. And if they don't leave, I will. To me people just mean betrayal and pain. It is simply a matter of when, and if the returns are greater than the cost. It sucks, but I know this is how life operates. 

                      

     I was talking to my therapist about this, 'cause ya know, it's a problem if you want to ever have real relationships without trusting anyone. We of course went back to trauma stuff and how that affected everything. I remembered that after all the bad things happened my mom had a short and very poor conversation with me about it. It left me knowing that I was a bad little girl. 

     Somewhere along the therapy process that day I realized that everyone must lie, and everyone must leave because that would mean that my mom didn't choose to abandon me, she would have had to. If everyone is going to betray me it means my mom might have still loved me and chosen to keep me, but couldn't- instead of being left as the bad girl in the corner that was never the good girl mom really wanted. 

     These aren't very pleasant thoughts. I, however, still decided to share them because trust is something that most survivors rightly struggle with, and perhaps one of ya'll (If there actually is anyone who reads this blog) might relate to it. Maybe this will help you. I hope so. Life is hard, and you deserve good.