Myths of Mental Illness

As we have discussed before- the results of childhood sexual abuse can be devestating and leave many struggling with various mental illnesses as a result. Studies have shown that survivors of childhood sexual abuse are 3x more likely to develop mental illness. (Day, et. al., 2003; Kendler, et. al., 2000; Voeltanz, et. al., 1999). The most common are PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and Suicidality.

Therefore I thought it important to adress myths of mental illness. I have pasted much of Elder Morrison's wonderful talk on some of these myths. Elder Morrison is a wonderful advocate for mental health and has also written a book entitled Valley of Sorrow: A Layman's Guide to Understanding Mental Illness There are lots of sites that adress these myths, but what I like about his, is that he addresses some of the spiritual myths that are more common in our faith.

Myths About Mental Illness (Elder Morrison, Ensign Oct 2005).

 

"Among the most painful trials an individual or family can face is that of mental illness.....Though medical science has made marvelous progress in the past century in solving some of the mysteries of the brain, the truth is that knowledge in this complex area is still in its infancy. We still do not know exactly how the brain works nor exactly how and why parts of it may malfunction. One thing is certain, however: no individual, family, or group is immune from the effects of mental illness. Furthermore, we are learning that many mental illnesses result from chemical disorders in the brain, just as diabetes results from a chemical disorder in the pancreas. Why, then, is there still such misunderstanding and fear surrounding mental illness?"

1. All mental illness is caused by sin.

"It must be emphasized that in many instances aberrant thoughts, actions, and feelings result from mental illness and not from sin. They come from disease, not transgression. They are not God’s way of punishing the sinner. To assume they are is not only overly simplistic but also contrary to the teachings of the Church.The truth is that many faithful Latter-day Saints who live the commandments and honor their covenants experience struggles with mental illness or are required to deal with the intense pain and suffering of morally righteous but mentally ill family members. Their burdens—and they are many—can be lifted only by love, understanding, and acceptance."

2.  Someone is to blame for mental illness.

"Most often, victims blame themselves. Many seem unable to rid themselves of terrible though undefined feelings that somehow, some way, they are the cause of their own pain—even when they are not. Parents, spouses, or other family members also often harrow up their minds trying futilely to determine where they went wrong. They pray over and over again for forgiveness when there is no evidence that they have anything of note to be forgiven of. Of course, in the vast majority of instances none of this works, for the simple reason that the victim’s thoughts and behavior result from disease processes which are not caused by the actions of others, including God."

3. All that people with mental illness need is a priesthood blessing

"I am a great advocate of priesthood blessings. I know, from much personal experience, that they do inestimable good. I know too that final and complete healing of mental illness or any other disease comes through faith in Jesus Christ. We must understand, however, without in any way denigrating the unique role of priesthood blessings, that ecclesiastical leaders are spiritual leaders and not mental health professionals. Most of them lack the professional skills and training to deal effectively with deep-seated mental illnesses and are well advised to seek competent professional assistance for those in their charge who are in need of it. Remember that God has given us wondrous knowledge and technology that can help us overcome grievous problems such as mental illness. Just as we would not hesitate to consult a physician about medical problems such as cancer, heart disease, or diabetes, so too we should not hesitate to obtain medical and other appropriate professional assistance in dealing with mental illness."

4. Mentally ill persons just lack willpower.
"There are some who mistakenly believe that the mentally ill just need to “snap out of it, show a little backbone, and get on with life.” Those who believe that way display a grievous lack of knowledge and compassion. The fact is that seriously mentally ill persons simply cannot, through an exercise of will, get out of the predicament they are in. They need help, encouragement, understanding, and love. Anyone who has ever witnessed the well-nigh unbearable pain of a severe panic attack knows full well that nobody would suffer that way if all that was needed was to show a little willpower. No one who has witnessed the almost indescribable sadness of a severely depressed person who perhaps can’t even get out of bed, who cries all day or retreats into hopeless apathy, or who tries to kill himself would ever think for a moment that mental illness is just a problem of willpower. We don’t say to persons with heart disease or cancer, “Just grow up and get over it.” Neither should we treat the mentally ill in such an uncompassionate and unhelpful way."

5. All mentally ill persons are dangerous and should be locked up.
"The truth is that the vast majority of people with mental illness are not violent, and the great majority of crimes of violence are not committed by persons who are mentally ill.

Furthermore, over the past 40 years, as effective medications for mental illness have become available and effective support programs have been developed, it has been shown that most mentally ill people—like those with physical illnesses—can live productive lives in their communities. They do not need to be locked up. Like everyone else, most mentally ill persons receiving proper treatment have the potential to work at any level in any profession, depending solely on their abilities, talents, experience, and motivation."

 

6. Mental illness doesn’t strike children and young people.

"As noted by the National Institute of Mental Health, the truth is that an estimated 10 percent of children in the United States suffer from a mental health disorder that disrupts their functioning at home, in school, or in the community. The majority of children who kill themselves are profoundly depressed, and most parents did not recognize that depression until it was too late. I reiterate: no one is immune to mental illness."

 

7. Whatever the cause, mental illness is untreatable.

"As mentioned, during the past 40 years numerous medications have been developed by the multinational pharmaceutical industry. These products have proven of inestimable worth to millions. They are not perfect, nor do they work effectively in every instance—far from it, unfortunately. But we are getting closer to the day when physicians will have available effective drugs which are specific in correcting the biochemical lesions concerned, without the side effects which too often limit the effectiveness of medications today. I have no doubt that such developments, which we are already beginning to see, will result in striking advances in the treatment of mental illness over the next decade."

 

 

 

 

* Myths of Mental Illness https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/10/myths-about-mental-illness?lang=eng

 

* Valley of Sorrow: A Layman's Guide to Understanding Mental Illness http://deseretbook.com/Valley-Sorrow-Laymans-Guide-Understanding-Mental-Illness-Alexander-B-Morrison/i/4581757

* Darkness to light    http://www.d2l.org/site/c.4dICIJOkGcISE/b.6250811/k.B97D/

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

In an earlier post we talked about "Acting as if"-"Living like you believe". I wanted to elaborate more on the idea that we can actually change our feelings, by changing our behaviors and thoughts. This is the premise of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy the therapist and the client work together  to identify and solve problems. CBT sessions are goal directed. There is "homework" between sessions to give you the opportunity to practice what has been talked about. For example you may be asked to monitor and right down your thoughts that pop up in your mind and then together with your therapist you may look for patterns of negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings and then self destructive behaviors.

An example of how a therapist would use this technique for PTSD:

1. The therapist will teach you ways to cope with the feelings and tensions that accompany certain memories. This may include self soothing like we have discussed before, and relaxation techniques.
2. The therapist may help you face memories, by guiding you in retelling what happened. This is an important step in healing shame and teaching realistic interpretations of events.
3.  The therapist will help you change negative thinking.

Many Studies have proven the effectiveness of CBT therapy in treating PTSD and trauma. In fact studies have shown that CBT actually changes brain activity-suggesting that the brain can improve its functioning. Studies have also shown that patients who receive CBT in addition to medication-have better outcomes than patients who do not receive CBT.

I was curious about how EMDR and CBT compared in effectiviness. It looks like that is still up in the air. This was shown in the following study titled EMDR and trauma-focused CBT in the treatment of PTSD   https://www.myptsd.com/c/gallery/-pdf/1-26.pdf

Refer to NAMI.org for more information on CBT.   http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=About_Treatments_and_Supports&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=7952 

In another blog we will be talking about more specific examples of what Dr. Beck calls Cognitive Distortions and ideas on how to go about changing you thoughts.

Flipping the light on.

"I have a cherished painting in my office that is titled Entrance to Enlightenment. It was created by a friend of mine, the Danish artist Johan Benthin, who was the first stake president in Copenhagen, Denmark. The painting shows a dark room with an open door from which light is shining. It is interesting to me that the light coming through the door does not illuminate the entire room—only the space immediately in front of the door.

 

To me, the darkness and light in this painting are a metaphor for life. It is part of our condition as mortal beings to sometimes feel as though we are surrounded by darkness.......

 

But even though we may feel lost in the midst of our current circumstances, God promises the hope of His light—He promises to illuminate the way before us and show us the way out of darkness.

 

"There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn......Nevertheless, spiritual light rarely comes to those who merely sit in darkness waiting for someone to flip a switch. It takes an act of faith to open our eyes to the Light of Christ."

 

(The Hope Of God Light, Elder Uchdtorf, Ensign April 2013)

 

What is something you can do to flip that switch on?

Courage is when your afraid but you keep on moving anyways

Lt. John Putnam who died at the age of 23 during World War II, said: “Courage is not the lack of fear but the ability to face it.”


“I have come to understand how useless it is to dwell on the whys, what ifs, and if onlys
for which there likely will be no answers in mortality. To receive the Lord’s comfort, we
must exercise faith. The questions-Why me? Why our family? Why now? are usually
unanswerable questions. These questions detract from our spirituality and can destroy our
faith. We need to spend our time and energy building our faith by turning to the Lord and
asking for strength to overcome the pains and trials of this world and to endure to the end  for greater understanding.” Elder Robert D. Hales
 

                  

Common Responses to Childhood Sexual Abuse in Adult Survivors

While each individual’s experiences and reactions are unique, there are some common responses to child sexual abuse among survivors.

• Low self-esteem or self-hatred
• Depression: feelings of worthlessness
• Guilt, shame and blame: Many times survivors falsely take responsibility for the abuse. They may feel guilt or shame because they made no direct attempt to stop the abuse or because they experienced physical pleasure.
• Fear and anxiety
• PTSD
• Sleeping Problems or Disorders. 
• Lack of trust for anyone. Many were betrayed by people they were dependent upon (family, teachers etc.) who cared for them, who insisted they loved them even while abusing them; learning to trust can be extremely difficult under these circumstances.
• Flashbacks: Many survivors re-experience the sexual abuse as if it were occurring at that moment, usually accompanied by visual images of the abuse. These flashes of  images are often triggered by an event, action, or even a smell that is reminiscent of the sexual abuse of the abuser
• Disassociation: Many survivors go through a process where the mind distances itself from the experience because it is too much for the psyche to process at the time. This loss of connection with thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of identity.
• Relationship issues and sexual intimacy issues

http://counselingoutfitters.com/vistas/vistas11/Article_19.pdf

Much of this comes from a wonderful website I wanted to make you aware of.  It is called Rape Abuse and Incest National Network. This is the largest national anti-sexual violence organization     http://www.rainn.org/

Live Like you Believe

"Live like you believe" - sometimes we hear "fake it til you make it",  "Act as If" . I am the first one to say that the path to healing is never about faking it -or about pretending to be something you are not. 

That said,  there is some truth to the idea that knowledge and faith come from moving forward...despite our fears. The whole foundation behind cognitive behavioral therapy is the idea that when we change one part of the triangle (feelings, thoughts or actions) that the other parts of the triangle also change. Sometimes it means doing something different and seeing how it changes our feelings. I love this quote by Elder Scott. It is difficult not to view the world through the darkened lenses of abuse when sometimes it feels that everything in your life is affected by it. 

"If you feel there is only a thin thread of hope, believe me, it is not a thread. It can be the unbreakable connecting link to the Lord which puts a life preserver around you. He will heal you as you cease to fear and place your trust in him by striving to live his teachings.
Please, don’t suffer more. Ask now for the Lord to help you........Don’t view all that you experience in life through lenses darkened by the scars of abuse. There is so much in life that is beautiful. Open the windows of your heart and let the love of the Savior in. And should ugly thoughts of past abuse come back, remember his love and his healing power. Your depression will be converted to peace and assurance. You will close an ugly chapter and open volumes of happiness." (Ensign,May 1992, Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse-Elder Scott)


My challenge to you today ...do something different  today. Act as if you believe you can heal, even if you don't really believe it. How would your actions be different if you believed that? Would you be doing anything different? Then tell me about your experience.

Self soothing

We have talked some about learning to nurture yourself.  As a counselor I regularly see how often we can get caught up in addictive behaviors due to a need to self sooth. Whether it is food, work, prescription drugs, alcohol, anger, sex, pornography, you name it.....All of this in an effort to make ourselves feel better.

One of the most important skills to emotional health is to learn to self sooth in emotionally healthy ways. You may find it surprising that these healthy ways are often quite simple and don't need to take a lot of time.The savior promised us that he would not leave us comfortless. John 14:18. The goal with self-soothing skills is to comfort yourself emotionally by doing things that are sensually pleasant (meaning using your senses) that are not harmful. Focusing your full attention on sensory inputs — on what you are physically experiencing in the moment (mindfulness) helps you get outside your head (and away from troubling thoughts, feelings, and impulses). The skills and techniques listed below are a starting point only. Everyone has to find what works for them, and it may be things that are not on these lists.

 With vision:

 Buy one beautiful flower

 Make one space in a room pretty

 Light a candle and watch the flame

 Set a pretty place at the table, using your best things, for a meal

 Go to a museum with beautiful art

 Go sit in the lobby of a beautiful old hotel

 Look at nature around you

 Go out in the middle of the night and watch the stars

 Walk in a pretty part of town

 Fix your nails so they look pretty (even “real men” can do this)

 Look at beautiful pictures in a book

Go to a ballet or other dance performance, or watch one on TV

 Be mindful of each sight that passes in front of you, not lingering on anything

 With hearing

 Listen to beautiful or soothing music, or to invigorating and exciting music (many people recommend that country music be avoided, since the lyrics tend to be depressing). Classical can be very good, since there are no lyrics to trigger specific thoughts

 Pay attention to the sounds of nature (waves, birds, rainfall, leaves rustling) or listen to tapes of nature sounds

Sing your favorite songs or hymn

 Hum a soothing tune

 Learn to play an instrument

 Be mindful of any sounds that come your way, letting them go in one ear and out the other

 With smell

 Use your favorite perfume or lotions, or try them on in the store

 Spray fragrance in the air

 Light a scented candle

 Put lemon oil on your furniture

 Put potpourri in a bowl in your room

 Boil cinnamon

 Bake cookies, cake, or bread

 Smell the roses

 Walk in a wooded area and mindfully breathe in the fresh smells of nature

 With taste

 Have a good meal

 Have a favorite soothing drink such as herbal tea or hot chocolate (no alcohol)

 Treat yourself to a dessert

 Put whipped cream on hotchocolate (or,cereal, toast, ice cream, rocks, put whipped cream on almost anything)

 Sample flavors in an ice cream store

 Suck on a piece of peppermint candy

Chew your favorite gum

 Get a little bit of a special food you don’t usually spend the money on, such as fresh-squeezed orange juice

 Really taste the food you eat; eat one thing mindfully

 
With touch

 Take a bubble bath

 Put clean sheets on the bed

 Pet your dog or cat

 Have a massage

Soak your feet

 Put creamy lotion on your whole body

 Put a cold compress on your forehead. Or wrap your face in a very warm, damp facecloth (wonderfully relaxing)

 Sink into a really comfortable chair in your home, or find one in a luxurious hotel lobby

 Put on a silky blouse, dress, or scarf (satin or velour is also great, even for men)

 Try on fur-lined gloves or fur coats in a department store

Brush your hair for a long time

 Hug someone

 Experience whatever you are touching; notice touch that is soothing

When engaging in these strategies, make sure to focus completely on the task at hand. That is, be mindful of your senses and what you are experiencing, and anytime you are distracted, simply bring your attention back to what you are doing.(some ideas taken from Self-Soothing Skills, By Matthew Tull, PhD) 

Fasting and the Healing Process

Last week as I was struggling more than usual emotionally and thinking about some difficult things I had ahead of me I knew I needed more strength than I had on my own.  While at work on Wednesday the thought came that I needed to fast starting right then for the strength I needed to heal.  I've fasted for this before, especially the past year, but with the combination of struggling emotionally and feeling like I've been hitting major roadblocks I needed to do it again.

 "And because fasting with prayer is the Lord’s law, it gave us access to all He can do—and He can do anything.  Anything was possible, if it were the Lord’s will." (An Unexpected Healing)

"The purpose of our fast may be a very personal one. Fasting can help us overcome personal flaws and sins. It can help us overcome our weaknesses—help them become strengths. Fasting can help us become more humble, less prideful, less selfish, and more concerned about the needs of others. It can help us see more clearly our own mistakes and weaknesses and help us be less prone to criticize others. Or our fast may have a focus on a family challenge. A family fast might help increase love and appreciation among family members and reduce the amount of contention in the family, or we might fast as a couple to strengthen our marriage bonds." (The Blessings of a Proper Fast, Car B. Pratt) 

As I knelt down in pray to begin my fast on Wednesday afternoon I was able to express my gratitude,  what I needed, and counsel with my Father in Heaven.  I thanked Him for providing a Savior for me.  I do not fully understand the Atonement but I do know that as I have turned to the Savior my pain has been lessened.  I asked for courage and bravery to be able to face the challenges in this healing process, to let myself feel, speak of my past, and let myself work through it verses running from it.  Heavenly Father understands our needs but as I was able to express them in prayer I better understood them myself and what I needed to do to receive greater strength.

The next day while continuing my fast I felt greater peace throughout the day.  As I continued to pray for added strength that I did not have on my own someone unexpected said, "And if you cannot do it on your own, we will do it together."  My jaw almost dropped right then and there.  Very simple words, "we will do it together" from someone who didn't know I was fasting however coupled with the purpose of my fast I knew Heavenly Father was listening.

Not only does fasting bring spiritual blessings but it also helped me to stay in the present and feel more than usual.  *May I make a word of caution, as much as this fast has blessed my life, it is important that we do not fast in excess.  Anorexia is not proper fasting and will not bring about spiritual or emotional progression.*  During the day my subtle hunger pains kept me grounded and would remind me that even though I didn't have the strength to heal on my own, the Savior did.

Thursday ended up being an unexpectedly long day and I was not able to break my fast when I planned.  My body began to get weak and it was difficult to think but during this I felt I was reconnected with feeling.  Even though I was starving at the end, I felt.  I was not disconnected or disassociating.  When I was finally able to break my fast and eat, I tasted every bite of my food and savored it.   This was good practice of mindfulness for me.

"Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience." (Mindfulness)

"If we fast properly the Lord promises: “Then shall thy light break forth as the morning, and thine health shall spring forth speedily: and thy righteousness shall go before thee; Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am. …

“And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noonday: And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, … and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters fail not” (Isa. 58:8–11).(The Blessings of a Proper Fast, Car B. Pratt)

As we continue on the path of healing, we will face roadblocks, we will struggle and feel alone but it is in those moments when we realize we cannot do it alone, we must turn to the Savior.  He is there standing with open arms saying, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. (Matthew 11:28-29)

 

You Matter

One of the most devastating results of childhood sexual abuse and trauma is that you are taught over and over again that you do not matter. You are an object and of no worth. This is not true. Therefore one of the most important parts of the healing process is learning that in fact you Do matter.

Elder Uchtdorf reminds us that we matter!!

"My dear brothers and sisters, it may be true that man is nothing in comparison to the greatness of the universe. At times we may even feel insignificant, invisible, alone, or forgotten. But always remember—you matter to Him
"Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed. 
Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourselves the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”-Elder Uchtdorf (You Matter to Him, Ensign Oct 2011)

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints position on Child Abuse

When I was initially searching the web for Mormon based sites that addressed sexual abuse-I was very disappointed. Not only did I find nothing helpful, but I found some sights I felt were totally ridiculous. I don't know the purposes behind some of these sites, but I found them truly misinformed. Because of this I feel it is important to clearly site the church's position on child abuse.

Straight from the Church's handbook it states:

"The Church’s position is that abuse cannot be tolerated in any form. Those who abuse or are cruel to their spouses, children, other family members, or anyone else violate the laws of God and man."

Having been raised in the the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints-this seems clearly obvious to me. But since there is so much misinformation out in the world (especially on the internet) --I figured I had better just put that out there.

President Thomas Monson has said,

"Local hospitals everywhere receive these little ones, bruised and battered, accompanied by bald-faced lies that the child “ran into the door” or “fell down the stairs.” Liars, bullies who abuse children, they will one day reap the whirlwind of their foul deeds. The quiet, the hurt, the offended child victim of abuse, and at times incest, must receive help. A district judge, in a letter to me, declared, “Sexual abuse of children is one of the most depraved, destructive, and demoralizing crimes in civilized society. There is an alarming increase of reported physical, psychological, and sexual abuse of children. Our courts are becoming inundated with this repulsive behavior.” The Church does not condone such heinous and vile conduct. Rather, we condemn in the harshest of terms such treatment of God’s precious children. Let the child be rescued, nurtured, loved, and healed. Let the offender be brought to justice, to accountability, for his actions and receive professional treatment to curtail such wicked and devilish conduct. When you and I know of such conduct and fail to take action to eradicate it, we become part of the problem. We share part of the guilt. We experience part of the punishment.-Children a Gift from God (Ensign, October 1991)

Little by Little

The past week and a half I've struggled, really struggled.  There are ups and downs to that come in the healing processes.  When I'm struggling I'm emotionally triggered by nearly everything around me, working through flashback after flashback, waking up in sheer panic every morning and it can become a challenge just to function.  In those moments I worry about posting anything on this blog that will diminish others hope, say something that isn't correct, be triggering or plethora of other things.

As much as I would love to have every post be nearly perfect, describing the challenges and pains that come from childhood sexual abuse along with the joys of healing, applying the Atonement and

psychotherapy, life just isn't that way.

Yesterday I was asked something along the lines of, "What has helped you get through this time of struggling that has been different than before?"  My answer, "I was able to rely on when I've struggled before and now I know I can overcome days and weeks like this.  Before I didn't know if it would ever go away."  This for me was a great victory!  As small as it is, it is progress and that is what matters.

Healing will not come all at once, as much as I wish it would.  It comes as we consistently apply true principles in our lives, little by little.

Understanding PTSD by Robin Gosland

Thank you to Robin who courageously blogs about her life experiences. Robin has given me permission to put this on our blog....... 

I have PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I wonder what this means to you. I wonder what image is conjured in your mind. Let me tell you what it means to me.

Usually, it means nothing. For a majority of the time I am just fine. I am as stable and normal as everyone else. But occasionally I am taken hostage by adrenaline. Something will happen that is similar in some way to a traumatic experience from my past and I am back in that moment.
But not really. I know I am not there. I am aware of my surroundings. I see what’s real. But I am filled with fear.

No matter whom I am with or where I am, I do not feel safe. A primal survival programming kicks in. Adrenaline takes over to save my life. Even though in this moment it isn’t really in danger.
My primary reaction is to hide. To get away. Maybe I will go to my room. Maybe I will drive in my car. Maybe I will back up against the wall or wrap my coat tightly around myself or pull my knees in tight in an effort to keep myself safe

I will probably be agitated and short-tempered. I will be selfish. I might cry. And no one can touch me. All the nerves in my skin are on fire. It feels like if you touch me, something bad will happen. If you come near me in an effort to touch me I will likely pull away or cringe.

If I am in a public situation and am trying not to let others know what’s happening, I may not react when you reach out to touch me. I may smile and pretend everything is alright. But I’ll be white-knuckling it. Holding on with all I’ve got to keep some semblance of normalcy. I do this so neither of us will be embarrassed or uncomfortable.

Sometimes I don’t know why I’m feeling the way I am. I don’t realize I’ve been triggered and I lash out or get upset about things that shouldn’t matter. To me, they do. Because there’s danger (even though there isn’t). It’s taken me a long time to learn to recognize what’s happening.

You would think that would help. You would think knowing what is going on, why I am so scared, would enable me to shrug it off. You would think that when I know I’m reacting to a past experience and not a current danger I could relax and move on. But you’d be wrong.

Even knowing what it is and why it’s happening doesn’t make it go away. Even when my brain knows I’m safe my body doesn’t. Because it’s chemical. Once I realize what’s going on I can work through the coping strategies I’ve been taught in therapy and try to calm down. But even when everything goes well and I notice it and am strong enough to fight my way through, it still takes time. Once you quit feeding an adrenaline situation it takes about 20 minutes for the adrenaline to start to clear your system. My brain and instinct fight each other for control. And they each take their turn winning.
But sometimes it’s so intense and hits me out of nowhere. Those times I usually forget the new healthy ways I’ve learned to deal with it and revert to the ones that got me through in the past. I avoid people. I take sedatives. I hurt myself. Anything to stop the pain. Because the adrenaline is painful. The fear hurts.

Most people who meet me will never know of my diagnosis. They will never see me terrified and sobbing. They will never see the scars on my arms from slicing my own skin open. They will never see the way my heart races. Because most of the time I am not that person. Most of the time I am normal.I am not ashamed of who I am and what I have. PTSD means I went through something horrible and survived. It means I am strong. And the fact that most people don’t know about it means it doesn’t control me.

PTSD isn’t who I am, but it is a piece of me. And I’m okay with that. I don’t hide it. In fact, I talk about it whenever appropriate. I write about it. I own it. Because it needs to be known. People need to understand it. Sufferers need to not be afraid of it. To not be ashamed of it. And that won’t happen if we don’t drag it out of the dark.

I have PTSD. This is what PTSD is like for me. But please don’t think reading this means you understand what people with PTSD are like. People with PTSD are still people. We are still individuals. And just like each person with a cold experiences it somewhat differently, so do we experience PTSD differently.

If you want to understand it, talk to people who struggle with it. Ask questions. Listen. We are all strengthened when we understand each other better. And a person with PTSD isn’t someone to be afraid of.
http://realintent.org/understanding-ptsd/

Warning signs of Sexual Abuse in Children

As I reviewed this list below (and many that are similar to it) my thought was that these signs are not only specific to child sexual abuse...they are signs of any trauma or a warning signal that something is not right and needs to be addressed. Don't assume that just because you see some of these behaviors that sexual abuse has happened. But do seek help in assessing what your child might be going through. You may recognize some of the feelings or experiences you are your family member/friend went through.

Children up to age 3 may exhibit:

 •Fear or excessive crying
 •Vomiting
 •Feeding problems
 •Bowel problems
 •Sleep disturbances
 •Failure to thrive

Children ages 2 to 9 may exhibit:

 •Fear of particular people, places or activities
 •Regression to earlier behaviors such as bed wetting or stranger anxiety
 •Victimization of others
 •Excessive masturbation
 •Feelings of shame or guilt
 •Nightmares or sleep disturbances
 •Withdrawal from family or friends
 •Fear of attack recurring
 •Eating disturbances

Symptoms of sexual abuse in older children and adolescents include:

 •Depression
 •Nightmares or sleep disturbances
 •Poor school performance
 •Promiscuity
 •Substance abuse
 •Aggression
 •Running away from home
 •Fear of attack recurring
 •Eating disturbances
 •Early pregnancy or marriage
 •Suicidal gestures
•Anger about being forced into situation beyond one’s control
•Pseudo-mature behaviors

American Humane Association:  www.americanhumane.org/

I survived

Sometimes I don't feel like being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse is an amazing thing but when I look at my life in an eternal perspective, it really is.  I survived, I'm still alive, and moving forward.  There are times, like today actually, I feel like I've taken steps backwards and am a complete failure with healing from the abuse. In these moments of despair the understanding of the Plan of Salvation helps me remember that as hard as this is, and its really hard, it is not the end and this will not destroy me.  I can be happy, I can be amazing, if not today, then someday. 

Patience with Self

As you may have experienced or witnessed in others: it is common for victims of sexual abuse to struggle with low self esteem, guilt, shame, and self-blame. They can be their own worst critics. As we have talked about before: when you bully yourself you are in reality just continuing the pattern of abuse. Some who have been abused have a tendency towards "perfectionism". (We will talk about that in another blog.) You think that being hard on yourself is motivating. You are wrong.

One of the core steps of healing is learning to self sooth or to "parent" yourself. Parents understand that children are just children and that they will make mistakes-- that doing so is part of growing and maturing. Parents realize that their children need positive encouragement, that they need comforting, a bandage, their tears wiped and they require LOTS of patience. Many of you may not have had parents who modelled these behaviors or modelled it consistantly. They were unable to meet your emotional and physical needs and therefore you were never taught how to do this for yourself.

It is important and it is time to learn to parents yourselves. You may have to look to others for examples. One important way to be a parent to yourselves is to be patient with yourself. Healing takes time and it requires you to travel new territory.

I like how Marvin J. Ashton talks about patience. He says;

"May I ask you to think with me for a few moments about patience with self. Have more patience with yourself—more self-understanding. I would plead that we understand it is not our role to be self-condemning. I like to think when we are taught “Judge not, that ye be not judged,” that it has direct reference to us and our relationship with ourselves. We should not judge ourselves. We should teach ourselves patience—patience to believe in ourselves, patience to motivate ourselves, patience to believe that God and I can do it. When necessary, lean on the truth “I am a child of God.” God and I, with patience on my part, can do it. I remind you we do not have to worry about the patience of God, because he is the personification of patience, no matter where we have been, what we have done, or what we, to this moment, have allowed ourselves to think of ourselves. Two of Satan's greatest tools today are spreading impatience and discouragement. " -Marvin J. Ashton http://speeches.byu.edu/act=viewitem&id=36


How have you learned to be more patient with yourselves? What has helped you?

Coping with Triggers/Flashbacks

1.Tell yourself that you are having a flashbackand that you are safe now.

2. Remind yourself that the worst is over.
The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event has already occurred and you survived. Now it is the time to let out the terror, rage, hurt, and/or panic. Now is the time to honour your experience.

3. Breathe.
When we get scared we stop breathing normally. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen, which in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings; pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, and dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, the panic feeling can decrease. Breathing deeply means breathing in so that your diaphragm expands. If you were to put your hand on your stomach, your stomach would push against your hand when you inhale.

4.Get grounded.
This means stamping your feet on the ground to remind yourself that you have feet and can get away now if you need to. (There may have been times before when you could not get away, now you can.) Being aware of all five senses can also help you ground yourself.

5.Reorient to the present.
Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colours in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds in the room: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair, or the floor supporting you.

6.Take the time to recover.
Flashbacks can be very powerful. Give yourself time to make the transition from this powerful experience. Don’t expect yourself to jump into other activities right away. Take a nap, a warm bath, or some quiet time. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Do not beat yourself up for having a flashback.

7.Honour your experience.
Appreciate yourself for having survived that horrible time. Respect your body’s need to experience a full range of feelings.

8.Be patient.
It takes time to heal. It takes time to learn appropriate ways of taking care of yourself and developing effective ways of coping in the here and now.

- The University of Alberta Sexual Assualt http://www.sac.ualberta.ca/

Be OK

Sometimes music can speak better to our hearts than any other way.  This song simply describes a few of my feelings or rather pleadings in the healing process of overcoming childhood sexual abuse.

 

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today.

I often find myself pleading to the Lord to just be OK.  When I am so overcome with emotions and feelings I can't process, when I feel my world crashing in on me, and when it is just too much to handle all I want is to just be ok.  Being ok is not as good as being great but in those moments of despair that's all I want.  Sometimes I've felt like when I'm praying heavenward the only words I can get out are, "Heavenly Father, please help me to just be ok."  I'm not asking to be great, just survive. 

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today.

In my battle to overcome my anesthesia, disassociation, I need to feel.  Trying to let myself feel is like teaching myself how to breath all over again.  Pain needs to be felt so the wounds can be healed but unfortunately stuffing those emotions and feelings in and disassociating is something that comes so naturally it is hard to fight.  When I feel the pain I can give it to the Savior and receive relief.  So, as much as I don't want to feel the pain, deep down I know it will feel good once I'm able to feel and release it. 

The Spirit often speaks to us through feelings as well.  It has been my experience that it is very difficult to only block out negative feelings without also putting restrictions on others.  In The Guide to the Scriptures it states, "Feel: See also Holy Ghost; To sense the promptings of the Spirit." As we allow ourselves to feel, as scary as it is, we are not only taking steps to heal but are also opening the channel to feel the Spirit in greater abundance.  

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts

I'm beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts

 

As I've mentioned before in my post, How They Grow it is a common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to feel broken beyond repair.  Not only have you been hurt but you feel that something irreplaceable has been taken from you, something sacred has been stolen and mocked.

"If you have been abused, Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution. Yet he knows perfectly well that there is. Satan recognizes that healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children. He also understands that the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Therefore, his strategy is to do all possible to separate you from your Father and His Son. Do not let Satan convince you that you are beyond help." (Elder Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse)

I just want to know today, know today, know today

I just want to know something today

Know that maybe I will be ok

In the midst of despair and darkness it can be really hard to know everything will be ok in the end. "Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: “I do know,” he says, “that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.”(Elder Holland, Broken Things to Mend) 

I believe the Savior does support me in my trials but it is important not to forget that He sends His angels to help us know, even when we do not, that if not today but someday we will be ok.  In expressing doubts about my own capabilities to be ok and heal someone told me, "You can lean on my faith in you for a little bit until you can have more faith in yourself. I know that it will all be worth it!! And you are on the right path to healing!" This gave me strength beyond my own and helped me in ways I cannot describe. 

Just give me back my pieces

 And let me hold my broken parts

What can I say about this line?  A lot but I will keep it simple.  Sometimes I just need to curl up in a ball, cry, and hold my broken heart.  I need to not feel like everyone is trying to "fix" me but just comfort myself, accept that my heart is broken and validate my feelings.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to know today, know today, know today

Know that maybe I will be ok

"The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal. It is rooted in an understanding of doctrine and a resolute determination to follow it."  (Elder Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse)

Triggers

I wanted to talk about triggers and what they are. We will talk in other blogs about how they are affecting your life and how to cope with them.

So what is a trigger? Some of you may be aware of your own triggers, others of you -may not be, or you may be aware of some of your triggers and not others.

A Trigger is anything that activites memories of your trauma. Triggers can be environmental such as sight, sound or taste, smell or texture or they can be feelings that were present during your abuse such as feeling fearful, feeling overwhelmed or out of controle.

The University of Alberta's Sexual Assualt Center (What is a Trigger?) gave some examples of triggers

Sight

• Often someone who resembles the abuser or who has similar traits or objects (ie. clothing, hair color, distinctive walk).
• Any situation where someone else is being abused (ie. anything from a raised eyebrow and verbal comment to actual physical abuse).
• The object that was used to abuse
• The objects that are associated with or were common in the household where the abuse took place (ie. alcohol, piece of furniture, time of year).
• Any place or situation where the abuse took place (ie. specific locations in a house, holidays, family events, social settings).

Sound

• Anything that sounds like anger (ie. raised voices, arguments, bangs and thumps, something breaking).
• Anything that sounds like pain or fear (ie. crying, whispering, screaming).
• Anything that might have been in the place or situation prior to, during, or after the abuse or reminds her/him of the abuse (ie. sirens, foghorns, music, cricket, chirping, car door closing).
• Anything that resembles sounds that the abuser made (ie. whistling, footsteps, pop of can opening, tone of voice).
• Words of abuse (ie. cursing, labels, put-downs, specific words used).

Smell

• Anything that resembles the smell of the abuser (ie. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, after shave, perfume).
• Any smells that resemble the place or situation where the abuse occurred (ie. food cooking ,wood, odors, alcohol).

Touch

• Anything that resembles the abuse or things that occurred prior to or after the abuse (ie. certain physical touch, someone standing too close, petting an animal, the way someone approaches you).

Taste

• Anything that is related to the abuse, prior to the abuse or after the abuse (ie. certain foods, alcohol, tobacco).

It is our hope that this site be a safe place that brings hope, healing, and knowledge.  It is also our hope that it is not a place that is too triggering. We know that this is a lofty goal and that there is no quarantee that things we or others may say will not trigger memories for you. We entrust each of you as you have the courage to share your own feelings and experiences that you each will ponder on how best to present your thoughts so as to not trigger others. We do see how our efforts not to trigger could lead to a site that is more educational or more fluff. That is not our desire either. We desire it to be a place that is REAL that you will feel understood and that you will relate to and learn from others. A place where you can know that you do not have to suffer alone!

Good Things To Come-More on hope

"Don't give up, boy. (or girl) Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it... You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." -Jeffrey R. Holland, An High Priest of Good Things to Come, October 1999

One step at a time -remember start with where you are -don't compare yourselves to others. Take victory in every step no matter how little you feel it is. I know that ALL WILL BE RIGHT IN THE END. We have that promise and there ARE good things to come!!

Anger

Today I wanted to focus on anger as part of the healing process and as part of an emotionally healthy life. We all know anger plays a large part in hurting, but did you know that it is also vital to healing?

Yes, in fact, anger is essential to healing. We do not need to consider it a "bad emotion".  This is hard for many of my clients to process-especially when they have witnessed the devastation caused by their abusers unmanaged anger. Most of us have been taught our whole life that anger is a bad thing. It says so right in the scriptures--right?!.

The Savior said it himself....

"He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:29–30).

I  do agree. When anger is not managed in healthy ways -it is bad for us and for all those around us. There ARE good things that can result from anger, though.  I am here to say the feeling of Anger is not bad.  Yes I said it. The initial feeling of anger is not something to feel guilty about. It is a normal human emotion. It only becomes bad or good depending on how we respond to it.  It is what we do with that feeling that is either bad or good. I like to think of  the feeling of anger as different than the action of anger. The feeling of anger is a natural response to threats, attacks, injustice or disappointment. It is a basic emotion that we all feel. It is like a red light on a dashboard of a car -it tells you when something is wrong, that you have been hurt, that your needs are not being met or something is wrong and needs your attention.  Anger can motivate us to find solutions to a problem. It can be a great mobilizer for positive action.

If anger is not recognized and dealt with-it will cause damage to our health, our relationships, achievements and mental wellness. Some health conditions have been linked to anger that has not been recognized or managed-such as high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, cancer and some autoimmune diseases. Two of the most common mental illnesses-Anxiety and Depression- are a result of anger turned inward.

The reality is that anger needs to be acknowledged and processed. As a therapist I have seen over and over again that-

We truly cannot heal what we have not allowed ourselves to feel!!

When we are able to acknowledge and accept our feelings-they become energy  to use in attending to our injuries. We can learn how to use the energy that angry emotions generate, for good. We can use that energy to change our circumstances or to motivate ourselves to take better care of ourselves through self nurturing and empowering ourselves. However you choose to use the energy of your anger, you want to make sure it is working to make your life better. We will be talking more about healthy ways of managing and processing anger.

Disasociation, My Anesthesia

Anesthesia: Traditionally meant the condition of having sensation, including the feeling of pain, blocked or temporarily taken away. ("Anesthesia" Merriam-Webster)

Disassociation: An experience where a person may feel disconnected from himself and/or his surroundings. Disassociation may range from temporarily losing touch with things that are going on around you (like what happens when you daydream) to having no memories for a prolonged period of time and/or feeling as though you are outside of your body.(Matthew Tull, PhD, Dissociation)

I'm numb.

Being numb to the pain is a blessing and a curse.  Being numb saved me from the horrors of past abuse however it also keeps me from feeling and healing.  Disassociation is not something that is taught in a book. To be honest there is so much I don't understand about it, it just happens.  Being able to disassociate protected me emotionally during times of abuse where the pain was too much to handle.  It was a "skill" I learned to protect myself from pain to deep and dark to feel. However, as vital as it was to disassociate from the reality of the abuse it is just as vital to learn how not to dissociate and begin feeling.

Feeling is a difficult word for me.  Sometimes I've felt like the Grinch.  Feeling is literally a painful thing and when I am able to feel even just a small portion of the pain, my reaction is the same as the Grinch...I sob, cry, and look just like him.  Feeling can be an ugly processes but there are great rewards that come once we are able to do so.  As Jennifer has put it, "We cannot heal what we do not feel."

When the Grinch felt, even though he flailed about in pain at first, his heart grew! Its hard to describe how there are great benefits from learning how to feel because it can be so painful.  I shouldn't say, "it can be so painful" but rather, yes, it will be painful and you might feel like you are walking in the gulf of misery alone but the Savior is there with you.  I guarantee it. 

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions‍ in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming‍ of my flesh.  He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.  Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge‍ by visions‍ in the night-time." (2 Nephi 4:20-23)

A few months ago in attempting to overcome a repeated flashback I wrote it down and sent it to my counselor knowing we would talk about it in our next session.  It took all the energy I had to send it due to feeling so much embarrassment and shame from the experience but I was determined not to let the abuse continue to effect my life negatively.  While talking about this flashback I began to feel in a way I never have before.  I did my best to hold it all in until I got back to my car and then I lost it, just like the Grinch.  I sobbed, moaned, wept, and covered my face in shame.  It only lasted 30 seconds but that was long enough for me.  It was a start. 

Even though those feelings were hard to face and feel, just like your muscles hurt while you are in the middle of an intense work out, afterwards I felt a sense of relief.  After letting myself feel something that I have disassociated from in such a long time a deeper level of healing began. 

It is important that when we are able to feel we also take time to care for ourselves.  There will be MUCH more posted on this topic along with tips on self-soothing.

I'm numb.    I'm feeling.