"Don’t let questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle"

Elder Holland gave a wonderful talk this past April 2013 conference entitiled, Lord I believe.  He talks about being ok with not having all of the answers and gives an example of a 14 yr old young man who said hesitantly, "I can't say that I know the church is true, but I can say I believe it is." President Holland says

" I hugged that boy until his eyes bulged out. I told him with all the fervor of my soul that belief is a precious word, an even more precious act, and he need never apologize for “only believing.” I told him that Christ Himself said, “Be not afraid, only believe."

There is much we don't understand as to the whys and hows of life and its struggles. We may never have the full answers to some of our questions right now, but we can start with what we do know and move on from there. Start from where you are -just like we talked about in one of my very first posts. What do you know right now? What has worked for you in the past as you have sought healing. What has not worked. Make note in a journal of these things. If you feel like there is not a surity of anything right now- then start with just a desire. . Just as Alma declares in the book of mormon “Even if ye can no more than desire to believe,let this desire work in you, even until ye believe.”

Elder Holland says,

On one occasion Jesus came upon a group arguing vehemently with His disciples. When the Savior inquired as to the cause of this contention, the father of an afflicted child stepped forward, saying he had approached Jesus’s disciples for a blessing for his son, but they were not able to provide it. With the boy still gnashing his teeth, foaming from the mouth, and thrashing on the ground in front of them, the father appealed to Jesus with what must have been last-resort desperation in his voice:

“If thou canst do any thing,” he said, “have compassion on us, and help us.

“Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

“And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.”

 

This man’s initial conviction, by his own admission, is limited. But he has an urgent, emphatic desire in behalf of his only child. We are told that is good enough for a beginning. “Even if ye can no more than desire to believe,” Alma declares, “let this desire work in you, even until ye believe.” With no other hope remaining, this father asserts what faith he has and pleads with the Savior of the world, “If thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us.”³ I can hardly read those words without weeping. The plural pronoun us is obviously used intentionally. This man is saying, in effect, “Our whole family is pleading. Our struggle never ceases. We are exhausted. Our son falls into the water. He falls into the fire. He is continually in danger, and we are continually afraid. We don’t know where else to turn. Can you help us? We will be grateful for anything—a partial blessing, a glimmer of hope, some small lifting of the burden carried by this boy’s mother every day of her life.”

“If thou canst do any thing,” spoken by the father, comes back to him “If thou canst believe,” spoken by the Master.

 

“Straightway,” the scripture says—not slowly nor skeptically nor cynically but “straightway”—the father cries out in his unvarnished parental pain, “Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.” In response to new and still partial faith, Jesus heals the boy, almost literally raising him from the dead, as Mark describes the incident.

"Observation number one .....when facing the challenge of faith, the father asserts his strength first and only then acknowledges his limitation. His initial declaration is affirmative and without hesitation: “Lord, I believe.” I would say to all who wish for more faith, remember this man! In moments of fear or doubt or troubling times, hold the ground you have already won, even if that ground is limited. In the growth we all have to experience in mortality, the spiritual equivalent of this boy’s affliction or this parent’s desperation is going to come to all of us. When those moments come and issues surface, the resolution of which is not immediately forthcoming, hold fast to what you already know and stand strong until additional knowledge comes. It was of this very incident, this specific miracle, that Jesus said, “If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.”

The size of your faith or the degree of your knowledge is not the issue—it is the integrity you demonstrate toward the faith you do have and the truth you already know.

The second observation is a variation of the first. When problems come and questions arise, do not start your quest for faith by saying how much you do not have, leading as it were with your “unbelief.” Let me be clear on this point: I am not asking you to pretend to faith you do not have. I am asking you to be true to the faith you do have. Sometimes we act as if an honest declaration of doubt is a higher manifestation of moral courage than is an honest declaration of faith. It is not! So let us all remember the clear message of this scriptural account: Be as candid about your questions as you need to be; life is full of them on one subject or another. But if you and your family want to be healed, don’t let those questions stand in the way of faith working its miracle."
 

I have a question-Ensign August 1986

"So many children are abused, offended, and abandoned. If little children are precious to God, what justification can there be for permitting some to be born into such circumstances?"

In August 1986 Ensign Dr. Carlfred Broderick shares his opinion. I think some of what he shared is thought provoking and so thought I would share it below. I know I have had similar questions as I have been privilaged to counsel with some who have suffered. I do not know the answer. But I do know that God loves his children. I do believe he weeps and suffers when he witnesses such abuse of his precious children.

"As children of God, we have been given the great gift of choice. We may choose to help, or we may choose to hurt. Unfortunately, as the Lord explained to Moses, the iniquities of one generation are often visited upon the heads of following generations. (See Ex. 20:5.) Anyone can see the truth of that saying by looking at many families in the world today. Often, troubled families seem to pass on their pain and darkness—virtually intact—to their children and grandchildren. The victim of one generation becomes the victimizer of the next. On the other hand, the Lord told the prophet Ezekiel: “What mean ye, that ye use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge? “As I live, saith the Lord God, ye shall not have occasion any more to use this proverb in Israel. “Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.” (Ezek. 18:2–4.) This scripture suggests that children need not merely replicate the sins of their fathers, but that each generation is held accountable for its own choices.

Indeed, my experience in various church callings and in my profession as a family therapist has convinced me that God actively intervenes in some destructive lineages, assigning a valiant spirit to break the chain of destructiveness in such families. Although these children may suffer innocently as victims of violence, neglect, and exploitation, through the grace of God some find the strength to “metabolize” the poison within themselves, refusing to pass it on to future generations. Before them were generations of destructive pain; after them the line flows clear and pure. Their children and children’s children will call them blessed. In suffering innocently that others might not suffer, such persons, in some degree, become as “saviors on Mount Zion” by helping to bring salvation to a lineage.

I have had the privilege of knowing many such individuals people whose backgrounds are full of incredible pain and humiliation. I think of a young woman who was repeatedly abused sexually by her father. When at last she gained the courage to tell her mother, the girl was angrily beaten and rejected by her. These experiences made the girl bitter and self-doubting. Yet, despite all odds, she has made peace with God and found a trustworthy husband with whom she is raising a righteous family. Moreover, she has dedicated her energies to helping other women with similar backgrounds eliminate the poison from their own lineages. I think of a young man whose mother died when he was twelve and whose father responded to that loss by locking his son in his room, then drinking and entertaining women in the house. When he would come to let the boy out, he would beat him senseless, sometimes breaking bones and causing concussions. As might be expected, the young man grew up full of confusion, self-hate, and resentment. Yet the Lord did not leave him so, but provided friends and opportunities for growth. Today, through a series of spiritually healing miracles, this young man is preparing for a temple marriage to a good woman. Together they are committed to bringing children up in righteousness and gentleness and love. In a former era, the Lord sent a flood to destroy unworthy lineages.

In this generation, it is my faith that he has sent numerous choice individuals to help purify them. In the days of Jeremiah, the Lord used some of the same language he would later use in speaking to Ezekiel: “In those days they shall say no more, The fathers have eaten a sour grape, and the children’s teeth are set on edge. “But every one shall die for his own iniquity: every man that eateth the sour grape, his teeth shall be set on edge.” (Jer. 31:29–30.) Then he went on to say of this new, covenant generation: “I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.” (Jer. 31:33.)

Most of us, I believe, are acquainted with one or more of these valiant, struggling spirits. In the latter stages of their progress, they are easy to recognize and appreciate. But sometimes in the early stages they are suffering so much from their terrible wounds that it takes a mature degree of spiritual sensitivity to see past the bitterness and pain to discern the purity of spirit within. It is our duty and our privilege to befriend such individuals and to provide whatever assistance and support we can in helping them to achieve their high destiny. Others of us may be, ourselves, the suffering messengers of light. Let us be true to our divine commission, forgoing bitterness and following in our Savior’s footsteps.

Why Didn't I tell?

Katy on the website Pandoras project does a great job summerizing some of the reasons why so many of those who are being sexually abuse do not tell. Often victims berate themselves- feeling that because they weren't able to tell -that they then are somehow at fault for the continued abuse.

She says, "As an older teen or adult, it is very easy to look back and think of all the missed opportunities for when we could have broken the silence. But what’s very very important to remember, is that when we do this, we are looking back from the perspective of an adult, not from the perspective of a confused and / or frightened child."

There are so many reasons that children feel they are unable to report sexual abuse. She shares just some of the reasons.

“No one will believe me”: Abusers very often threaten that if you tell, no one is going to believe you. You then face the risk of looking like you are telling lies, and perhaps even that you will get punished for not telling the truth. After all, children believe that adults believe other adults over children.

Threats of Harm to Others: Abusers can openly threaten that if you tell, then they are going to punish you by hurting someone you love. It’s not unusual for an abuser to threaten that they will, for example, kill the family pet, or hurt a parent or sibling. This, especially to a young child, is incredibly scary – and can result in believeing you are responsible for keeping silent in order to protect others that you care about.

Threats of further harm to yourself: Abusers can also threaten even worse punishments for you is you do tell. They can think up punishments that literally freeze survivors into silence

“It’s my fault”: Many abusers “groom” their victims, and over time, they can make you feel that you have been doing something wrong, and that you are guilty of what’s been happening. If this is said often enough to you, then you start to believe it. You may be told that if anyone finds out then you will be sent to a children’s home or a jail for children, and that everyone will think you are x, y, and z. Its understandable therefore, that many children don’t tell because they are frightened of being blamed for being complicit in the abuse.

Not wanting the abuser to get into trouble: As many abusers are close to their child victims i.e. a parent, sibling, family friend, religious leader etc. then sometimes the child doesn’t want the abuser to get into trouble. They can fear the abuser being sent to prison, or being told they are not allowed to see this person again – and obviously if you feel love for that person, then silence often wins through. The idea of being responsible for the break up of their family, in particular, can be too much to bear.

“I don’t know what to say”: Obviously a childs’ vocabulary, especially when talking about sexual acts, is not as sophisticated as that of an adult. There are very real practical barriers to telling, like not knowing what words to use, or not knowing how to bring it up in conversation. Even many adults struggle to talk about sex, especially when abusive in nature, and so how could you expect yourself as a child to be able to do this. Also, if you are very confused about what exactly has been done to you, it is almost impossible to know how to describe it.

Bribery: Some children are bribed in order to keep a secret. For example, the abuser may promise to give you money, or may buy you nice things. These “rewards” can very much confuse your feelings towards the abuser and towards the abuse itself.

“But I liked it”: Some survivors keep silent because of things about what’s happening that are deemed “positive”. For example, children who are very deprived of love and affection, may crave the love and affection they feel they are receiving from their abuser. Some human contact is better than no human contact. Understandably, sexual stimulation can also result in arousal, and this can be very confusing for a child to disentagle the nice feelings with the bad feelings. It can make a child feel “special” and wanted, possibly for the first time in their life.

“I didn’t know it was wrong”: Especially if abuse began at a very early age, you may not have even been aware that this wasn’t something that didn’t happen to everyone. The abuse becomes part of your normal everyday life, and so challenging it wouldn’t even occur to you. "Not telling" does not make you in any way responsible for the abuse that happened to you as a child. If you think about how difficult it is to talk about the abuse as an adult, just ask how you could expect yourself as a child to have be able to do that. For many children, "telling" just doesn't feel like an option.

www.PandorasProject.org

Shame: False, Unhealthy and Undeserved

In a previous post we talked about the difference between Shame and Guilt. We shared that shame is not just feeling bad about what we do, but feeling bad for who we are. Those who have suffered from childhood sexual abuse tend to carry great shame into their adulthood.

How can you tell when you are dealing with this false shame? Lewis Smedes shares 6 attributes of unhealthy shame in his book, Shame and Grace.

Unhealthy shame exaggerates our faults:
Here one doesn't make the distinction between "minor misdemeanors and major fealonies". A petty fault feels like a moral cancer. Every " trivial trasgression feels like a capital case." He gives the example of only remembering all the times he got cross with his boys on a camping trip and feeling like he ruined the trip, whereas his boys only remembered the fun they all had.

Unhealthy shame is Chronic:
Here you have lived with shame for so long it has become part of yourself, your very being. You find that anything can bring it on. A mild critism, a memory of something foolish we said to someone, a feeling that we were overlooked for some honor. Any slightest bit of negative- sets it off.

Unhealthy shame is put on us by others:
Someone taught you very early on to accept a false imagine of who you think you should be. This shame comes from being violated and controlled and feeling unaccepted as a child. And then as adults your perpetuate the shame by putting rigid expectations on what and how we think we "should be".

Unhealthy shame pervades the whole being:
"Unhealthy shame spills over everthing we are".  Guilt is far more narrow minded. With guilt you know what action you feel guilty for, you can narrow in on that specific action and make a change. Unhealthy shame has no aim or focus, it leaves us feeling like "undefined, undifferentiated, free floating failures."

Unhealthy Shame is unspiritual:
"Religion without grace can tie shame around our souls like a choke chain and never offer relief...the pain we feel is not even a distant cousin to spiritual shame/(guilt)"

Unhealthy shame makes shame bent people proud of their shame:
 "A shame bent person reasons this way: Only someone with profound nature and noble ideals could feel as rotten about himself as he does. " He shares an example of a shame driven man who tries to escape his shame by working hard enough to make himself feel acceptable to his hard working father. But his inner shame is never satisfied and so he uses his shame as proof that he is more conscientious than others.

I do not believe that the Lord ever uses shame to motivate us to do or be better. Like Lewis Smedes I do not think that shame is spiritual. Shame is not a healthy motivating attribute and is not something the Lord wants us to feel. The shame you may feel as a childhood victim-- does not belong to you. It was forced upon you by the action of another. How than do we heal that shame? The answer is through GRACE. Through our Saviors grace "we can know that we are accepted without regard to whether we are acceptable." The lord loves us unconditionally. How have you felt of his grace? How does feeling of his grace dissintegrate shame? We will be talking more about this.

You've got enough for today

                           

One Step at a time! 12 step programs that have seen much success in helping addicts overcome addictions teach us that we need to take one day at a time. In the Lords prayer Christ set an example of prayer for us and in it he says, Mathew 6:11"Give us this day our Daily Bread." In doing so he too reminds us that the Lord takes care of our daily needs, most often one day at a time. Isaiah taught (Isaiah 28:10) "For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little."

As you move forward through the healing process it is important to remember this concept. It will be through small steady steps that you will heal.

"Recovery occurs in small, steady steps taken one after another. Each step you take needs to be reviewed, evaluated and experienced so that you can derive maximum benefit from your hard work. Try not to get ahead of yourself. Many survivors feel impatient with the pace of their recovery, especially if they have spent years feeling stuck. You may want to jump ahead and go for the "big
success" out of a sense of wanting to finally put the past to rest. But remember, when you jump ahead before you are really ready, you sacrifice safety and risk a setback that can leave you feeling dispirited and hopeless. Try to reassure yourself that your abuse occurred over a long period of time over important formative years and so full recovery is also likely to take time." -Ascasupport program http://www.ascasupport.org/_downloads/survivor_to_thriver.pdf

Challenging Cognitive Distortions

Identify the Distortion:
Write down your negative thoughts. Which Cognitive Distortion do you think this thought fits.

Examine the Evidence:
Instead of assuming your thought is true, examine the actual evidence of this. (for example if you think "I never do anything right" - think about the things you have actually done right)

The Double Standard Method:
Talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would a friend with a similar problem. Too often we talk to ourselves in a harsh condemning way that we would never talk to others with. Sometimes I ask my clients to imagine they are talking to their daughter or son...how would their conversation be different.

The Experimental Technique:
Test out your assumptions. Do an expiriment to test the validity of your negative thought. An example is if during a panic attack you feel you are going to have a heart attack- you could jog. This would prove to you that your heart is healthy and strong. (this would be for someone who is aware that they have panic attacks and they have been told by a Dr they are healthy)

Think in Grey:
Instead of thinking of things in black and white (all or nothing extremes) you could evaluate things from 0-100. When things don't work out as you planned -instead of thinking of it as a failure think of it as a partial success.

The Survey Method: Ask people questions to see if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example if you feel shameful for being fearful of public speaking, you could ask others if they have ever felt scared of public speaking. You could learn that others too have felt similar.

Define Labels:
For example ask yourself, what is a fool? What is a looser? Do you in fact really fit the definition?

The Semantic Method:
Use language that is less emotionally charged. For example, instead of saying "I should have done that" you could say "It would have been better if I had not made that mistake."

Re-Attribution:
Instead of immediately blaming yourself or others, look at factors that may also have contributed to the problem. Focus on solving the problem instead of wasting energy blaming yourself  or others or feeling quilty.

Cost Benefit Analysis:
List the Advantages or disadvantages of a feeling, though or behavior pattern.

*taken from The Feeling Good books By David Burns

Cognitive Distortions-

Earlier we talked about cognitive behavioral therapy. David Burns is a one of the leaders in this field and authored the idea of cognitive distortions. As you read below, you most likely will recognize yourself. We all have some forms of distorted thinking. Depression and Anxiety and other mental illnesses are exaserbated with these types of thinking. In another post I will talk about ways to combat these ways of thinking. Which ones do you feel you have perfected:)

All‐or‐nothing thinking –
You see things in black or white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect you see yourself as a total failure. Example: A straight A student who receives a B on an exam concludes, “Now I’m a total failure.”

Overgeneralization –

You see a single negative event as a never ending pattern of defeat.

Example: When one woman declined a date, the man concluded, “I’m never going to get a
date. No one will ever want me.”
 

Mental filter –

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, thus perceiving that the whole situation is negative and filtering out the positive. Example: in a 20 minute oral presentation, for 2 minutes you lose your concentration and feel you are rambling. Because of this you think, “I gave a horrible presentation,” discounting that for 18 of the 20 minutes you performed well.

Disqualifying the positive –

An individual transforms neutral or even positive experiences into negative ones. You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or the other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

Example: When someone praises your appearance or your work, you tell yourself,
“They’re just being nice” or you say to them, “It was nothing really.”

Jumping to Conclusion –

You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

• Mind reading – You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to youand you don’t bother to check it out.  Example: Your spouse is upset about work and is quiet at home. You think, “She’s mad at me. What did I do wrong?”
 
• Fortune Teller Error – You anticipate things will turn out badly and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already established fact Example: You call your friend who doesn’t get back to you. You don’t call back and check out why because you say to yourself “He’ll think I’m being obnoxious if I call again. I’ll make a fool of myself.” You avoid your friend, feel put down and find out he never got your message.

Magnification (Catastrophizing) or Minimization –

You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your mistakes or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other person’s imperfections). Example of Magnification: A student answers a professor’s question incorrectly and thinks, “How awful. Now he thinks I’, stupid and I’ll fail this class, never graduate and never get a good job.”

Emotional Reasoning –

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect theway things really are. “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”Example: “I feel stupid, therefore I am stupid.” “I feel overwhelmed and hopeless,therefore my problems must be impossible to solve.”

Should Statements –

You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn’ts as if you have to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements at others you feel anger, frustration and resentment. Example: “I should have gotten all the questions right,” causes feelings of guilt. “He should have been on time,” causes feelings of resentment, anger and frustration.

Labeling and Mislabeling –

An extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to that person. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored andemotionally loaded. Example: You miss a basketball shot and say, “I’m a born loser” instead of saying, “I messed up on that one shot.”

Personalization –

You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for. It causes you to feel extreme guilty. Example: A father sees his child’s report card with a note from the teacher indicating thechild isn’t working well. He immediately replies, “I must be a bad father. This shows how I’ve failed.”

 

This is from David Burns Feeling Good books-

Don't stop-don't give up!

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

 (1 Nephi 1:20)

"The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ" (The Tender Mercies of the Lord, Bednar)

The healing process from childhood sexual abuse can be a very lonely and scary path.  There are many times I have felt like no one understands nor do they have the ability to handle the heavy weight I bare.  There have been countless times where I've found myself kneeling in prayer, pleading to my Father in Heaven for help, any kind of help, any sense of relief.  Honestly relief hasn't always come but when it hasn't its taught me many lessons. 

There was a period of my life not to long ago where I really began to question the Atonement.  I was in the depths of "healing" being flooded by flashbacks, triggers, going to counseling and my soul was racked with pain and torment.  I felt like regardless of what I was doing pain would overcome me.  I was reading the scriptures and praying daily, attending my church meetings, fulfilling my calling the best I could, attending the temple, receiving priesthood blessings, and everything else you could think of yet still struggled to feel the presence of the Lord and the effects of the Atonement.  

One day while meeting with my counselor, crying, and feeling like a wreck I expressed my frustration, "Why am I not feeling the Spirit? Why am I not being comforted by the Lord as I have been in the past? Why am I being left alone when I'm doing everything I can to have the Spirit and feel Him close?"  I still don't have all the answers but I do know...

"The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness and obedience enable us to receive these important gifts and, frequently, the Lord’s timing helps us to recognize them."

I'm not sure if it was a test of my endurance, learning how self-sooth and gain more skills, or deepening my need to come closer to the Savior but in the process of feeling so far from the Lord I received the tender mercies and gifts I needed according to the Lords timing.  

It can be difficult during those deep dark moments to see those tender mercies but we are promised "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." (John 14:18) 

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live." 

There are people that have come into my life, some just for a moment and others for years, that have been those tender mercies.  They often come when I feel I can not carry on any longer.  In those moments it can be hard to recognize those who I call angels sent from above. Sometimes they come in the form of a home or visiting teacher, sometimes a random stranger at the grocery store, the weird guy dancing to music next to you as you are stopped at a red light, a counselor, close friend, Bishop, or customer. 

"When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)."

Looking back on my life there have been many times where unexplainable simple tender mercies have occurred that have aided to my personal journey of healing.  The other day the the tender mercy of assurance knowing that Heavenly Father was aware of my needs has given me the strength and desire to face a very difficult experience in my life.  It came through another individual.  

In my morning prayer I asked Heavenly Father for help to heal and move forward in overcoming the effects of abuse knowing I was going to be meeting with my counselor.  Instantly I had images in my mind of a specific event from my past.  It was so vivid and overwhelming it made me nauseous and it was too frightening to bring up on my own during counseling.  It was something I had mentioned to my counselor before but we hadn't talked about it in months.  Heavenly Father truly does have His hand in our lives and understands what we need.  As I sat in front my counselor she began to bring up the very event I had been thinking about all morning.  How did she know to bring it up or even remember what she did? I believe it was a tender mercy of the Lord, aiding me in the path of healing.

Self Injury

Self-injury is the act of deliberately harming your own body, such as cutting or burning yourself. It is an unhealthy way to cope with emotional pain, intense anger and frustration. However, the person's intention is not to kill himself or herself. As we have already talked about-Childhood sexual abuse puts its victims at greater risk for many emotional difficulties in adult life. Adult victims of childhood sexual abuse have been found to be more susceptible to self harm. In one sample of individuals who self-harmed, 93% reported a history of childhood sexual abuse.  

Why do people engage in self-harm?

There's no one single or simple cause that leads someone to self-injure. One study specifically examined the reasons given for the behavior in a sample of self-harmers . The top two reasons were "To distract yourself from painful feelings" and "To punish yourself." (the studies mentioned above are sited on the following site: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/self-harm-trauma.asp) 

Other reasons include:

• Decrease dissociative  symptoms, especially depersonalization and numbing by feel something, anything, even if it's physical pain, when feeling emotionally empty
• Block upsetting memories and flashbacks.
• Demonstrate a need for help.
• Express internal feelings in an external way
• Reduce anger.
• Disfigure self as punishment.
• Manage or reduce severe distress or anxiety and provide a sense of relief
• Provide a distraction from painful emotions through physical pain
• Feel a sense of control over his or her body, feelings or life situations
• Communicate depression or distressful feelings to the outside world
• Be punished for perceived faults

Forms of self-injury:

One of the most common forms of self-injury is cutting, which involves making cuts or severe scratches on different parts of your body with a sharp object. Other forms of self-harm include:

• Burning (with lit matches, cigarettes or hot sharp objects like knives)
• Carving words or symbols on the skin
• Breaking bones
• Hitting or punching
• Piercing the skin with sharp objects
• Head banging
• Biting
• Pulling out hair
• Persistently picking at or interfering with wound healing

When a friend or loved one self-injures:

If you have a friend or loved one who is self-injuring, you may be shocked and scared. Take all talk of self-injury seriously. Although you might feel that you'd be betraying a confidence, self-injury is too big a problem to ignore or to deal with alone. Here are some options for help.

• Your child. You can start by consulting your pediatrician or family doctor who can provide an initial evaluation or a referral to a mental health specialist. Don't yell at your child or make threats or accusations, but do express concern.
• Teenage friend. Suggest that your friend talk to parents, a teacher, a school counselor or another trusted adult.
• Adult. Gently encourage the person to seek medical and psychological treatment.

This is taken from http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-injury/DS00775

Seasons of Healing

I have been thinking about seasons lately as the new school year has just begun, and the summer fun of beaches and sun begin to fade. I love living in an area of the country where I am able to experience all 4 seasons. Although I definately have my favorite seasons, I value what each season offers me.  Elder Uchtdorf  says,

"We have seasons in our lives as well. Some are warm and pleasant. Others are not. Some of the days in our lives are as beautiful as pictures in a calendar. And yet there are days and circumstances that cause heartache and may bring into our lives deep feelings of despair, resentment, and bitterness.

I am sure at one time or another we have all thought it would be nice to take up residence in a land filled only with days of picture-perfect seasons and avoid the unpleasant times in between.

But this is not possible. Nor is it desirable.........The question is not whether we will experience seasons of adversity but how we will weather the storms. Our great opportunity during the ever-changing seasons of life is to hold fast to the faithful word of God, for His counsel is designed not only to help us weather the storms of life but also to guide us past them. Our Heavenly Father has given His word through His prophets—precious knowledge designed to lead us through the challenges of difficult seasons toward the unspeakable joy and brilliant light of eternal life. It is an important part of our life’s experience to develop the strength, courage, and integrity to hold fast to truth and righteousness despite the buffeting we may experience." (Saints of all Seasons, Elder Uchtdorf, Ensign Sept 2013)

Like seasons of life there are seasons of healing. There will be years where you may feel that you really have a handle on things. Years when you feel the warmth of the summer sun and peace and understanding. There will be other times though when it will feel dark as winter and you will wonder if you will ever feel the suns warm rays. Every season of healing has something beautiful to offer us.

 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:” Ecclesiastes 3:1

We cannot know the meaning of all things right now.

"Regarding trials, including of our faith and patience, there are no exemptions—only variations (see Mosiah 23:21). These calisthenics are designed to increase our capacity for happiness and service. Yet the faithful will not be totally immune from the events on this planet...........Brothers and sisters, though living in a time of commotion, we can stand in holy places and not be moved (see D&C 45:32; D&C 87:8). Though living in a time of violence, we can have that inner peace that passeth understanding (see Philip. 4:7).Perplexing things will still happen, but, like Nephi, we can still know that God loves us, a felicitous and fundamental fact which can and will sustain us through so much! (see 1 Ne. 11:17)....Of course we cannot fully comprehend all this right now! Of course we cannot know the meaning of all things right now. But we can know, right now, that God knows us and loves us individually" (Elder Maxwell, Ensign October 2002 )

What a wonderful promise! To know that god knows us and loves us individually. I do know that many of you may have lots of questions. Questions like why? Why me? There is much in this world that we will not gain a full understanding of.  The Lord has given us all the gift of agency and you have suffered as a result of someones misuse of that agency. It is just as Elder Maxwell said ---Perplexing!! I am sure Nephi had many questions for the Lord. He announced that he could not know the meaning of all things. But the one thing he did know- was that God loves us!! God's love will never fail us. Gods love is perfect. God know us better then we know ourselves. How have you allowed yourselves to feel Gods love. What does his love feel like? How have you recognized it in your life? Take a minute to journal about some of those times.

Its World Suicide Prevention Week-Some Facts about Suicide

                                   

Did you know that, in the United States, more people die by suicide (50% more!) each year than by homicide? Males complete suicide at a rate 3.85 x that of females. However, females attempt suicide 3x more often than males.

Risk factors:

• Mental illness 
• substance abuse
• previous suicide attempts
• hopelessness 
• access to lethal means
• recent loss of loved ones
• unemployment 
• vulnerability to self-harm 

Protective factors 

• High self-esteem, 
• social connectedness
• problem-solving skills 
• supportive family and friends

Warning Signs:

• Suicide Ideation - Expressed or communicated thoughts of suicide (talking or writing about death, dying or suicide)
• Threatening to hurt or kill him/herself, or talking of wanting to hurt or kill him/herself; and/or Looking for ways to kill him/herself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means
• Substance Abuse 
• Purposelessness ( No reason for living; no sense of purpose in life)
• Anxiety- agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time
• Feeling trapped (like there’s no way out)
• Hopelessness 
• Withdrawal - from friends, family and society
• Anger- Rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge
• Recklessness -Acting reckless or engaging in risk activities, seemingly without thinking
• Mood Change -Dramatic mood changes

How to talk to someone feeling suicidal:

• Do not be afraid to ask if he/she has thoughts about suicide. You will not be giving them new ideas.
• Do not act surprised or shocked. This will make them withdraw from you.
• Continue talking and ask how you can help.
• Offer hope that alternatives are available. Do not offer glib reassurance. It may make the person believe that you do not understand.
•  Get involved. Become available. Show interest and support. If you cannot do this, find someone who can, such as a neighbor or a minister, priest, or rabbi.
• Ask whether there are guns in the house. Have they thought of ways to die-do they have a  plan? (The more detailed the plan, the higher the risk.)
• Remove guns and other methods of death.
• Do not be sworn to secrecy. Get help from persons or agencies that specialize in crisis intervention.
• Call a crisis hotline in your area or 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Experts believe that most suicidal individuals do not want to die. They just want to end the pain they are experiencing. When suicidal intent or risk is detected early, lives can be saved.

Sources: American Association of Sociology:
http://www.suicidology.org/c/document_library/get_file?folderId=273&name=DLFE-836.pdf

Grounding

We have talked earlier about flashbacks and dissociating. There are skills that can help when you find yourself in a flashback or dissociating. One of these skills is referred to as Grounding.  The goal of grounding is to help reconnect you to the present -to orient you to the here and now and to connect you to your own body and the current moment.

Like Self Soothing -grounding requires the use of your five senses (sound, touch, smell, taste and sight) By focusing on these five senses you can bring your attention back to the present moment. 

Sensory Grounding ideas:

• Sound: turn on loud music or music you know the words to and you can sing along. Call a friend and talk about the present -maybe something you have done together recently. Listen to the sounds around you -try to identify what each sound is.

• Touch: Grip a piece of ice. The extreme coldness can force you to stay in the present. Spritz you face with fine water mister. Put your feet firmly on the ground. Rub your hands, clap your hands, hold something you find comforting-feel a soft blanket and notice how it feels in your hands. Cary something tangible in your pocket that reminds you of the present. Step outside and feel the temperature- feel the the warmth of the sun or the brisk air. Feel the wind on your skin.
  
  
• Smell: Sniff some strong peppermint. light a scented candle. Smell an peace of fruit or a flower.
  
  
• Taste: Bite into a lemon. Mindfully eat something that gives you pleasure. Focus on the texture and the taste.
  
  
• Sight: list everything around you ...what colors do you see, count the number of items in the room.

Cognitive Grounding skills: 

• ask yourself Where am I ? What is today? What is the date? How old am I? What season is it?
• Remind yourself that the memory was then and it was over. 

54321 game

• Name 5 things you can see in the room with you.
• Name 4 things you can feel (“chair on my back” or “feet on floor”)
• Name 3 things you can hear right now (“fingers tapping on keyboard” or “tv”)
• Name 2 things you can smell right now (or, 2 things you like the smell of)
• Name 1 good thing about yourself."

What are some things that have helped you feel grounded? What do you do if you have tried all of these and more and you are still struggling to stay in the present? 

A Bright Voice in a Dark Storm.

"Trials may come, and we may not understand everything that happens to us or around us. But if we humbly, quietly trust in the Lord, He will give us strength and guidance in every challenge we face."

 Elder Porter in his talk Beautiful mornings refereed to an ever optimistic friend of his in college. 

"One cold, wintry day (a) friend of mine, Tom, was walking across the university campus. It was only 7:00 in the morning, and the campus was deserted and dark. Heavy snow was falling, with a brisk wind. “What miserable weather,” Tom thought. He walked farther, and out in the darkness and snow, he heard someone singing.Sure enough, through the driving snow came our ever-optimistic friend, Bruce. With his arms outstretched to the sky, he was singing a number from the Broadway musical Oklahoma: “Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day! I’ve got a beautiful feeling, everything’s going my way” 

This became a symbol to him of faith and hope. 

"Even in a darkening world, we as Latter-day Saints may sing with joy, knowing that the powers of heaven are with God’s Church and people. We may rejoice in the knowledge that a beautiful morning lies ahead—the dawn of the millennial day, when the Son of God shall rise in the East and reign again on the earth.
We are promised that even during the darkest storms the powers of heaven can shine through." (Elder Porter, Ensign April 2013)

What is the bright voice in your dark storm....I know the Lord sends each of us beacons of light -moments that inspire and push us to move forward despite darkening clouds around us. It is those memories that you can hold on to when you feel you are in the darkness of a storm. Take a minute to remember those moments --if you have not written them down--write them down in a journal. If you have already been keeping a journal of these types of events, take a moment to read a few of them.  These moments are easily forgotten, but with a little effort can a be a source of comfort. It is comforting to be able to go back and read and remember times when we did feel hope and feel of our Saviors love. 

FACTS and resources

There are more than 42 million survivors of sexual abuse in America.

1 in 5 children are solicited sexually while on the Internet before the age of 18.

30% of sexual abuse is never reported.

Nearly 70% of all reported sexual assaults occur to children age 17 and under.

90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way.

Approximately 20% of the victims of sexual abuse are under age eight.

95% of sexual abuse is preventable through education.

38% of the sexual abusers of boys are female.

There is worse lasting emotional damage when a child’s sexual abuse started before the age of six, and lasted for several years. 

Among child and teen victims of sexual abuse there is a 42 percent increased chance of suicidal thoughts during adolescence.

• RAINN http://www.rainn.org/
• Stop It Now http://www.stopitnow.org/
• Child Molestation Research and Prevention Institute: www.childmolestationprevention.org
• ChildHelp: www.childhelpusa.org
• Child Welfare Information Gateway: www.childwelfare.gov
• Prevent Child Abuse America: www.preventchildabuse.org
• US Department of Health and Human Services: www.hhs.gov
• Darkness to Light: www.d2l.org
• The National Children’s Alliance: www.nationalchildrensalliance.org

TODAY IS WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY!!!

Already we have talked about how adults who were abused as children are more likely to suffer from mental illness. As you can imagine the same goes for being at risk for suicide!  We will blog more on suicide but I wanted to take a minute to honor this special day --World Suicide Prevention Day.

Lets honor this day and "Take 5 to save lives"    Please take a look at this site and see how you can spread the word and make a difference!!    http://www.sprc.org/

1. Learn the Signs
2. Join the Movement
3. Spread the word
4. Support a friend
5. Reach out!!

For immediate help or support call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-TALK (8255) or online at www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Faith Not to be Healed

The past few days I have been really sick.  I've had a hard time laying in bed waiting to get better and often times I end up not taking care of myself the way I need to in order to heal.

Being sick has forced me to slow down, rest, and ponder.  Physically I have been sick and unable to do a lot of the things I normally do and at times I have felt emotionally sick.  Frustrated that the effects of childhood sexual abuse continues to impact my life I feel disabled and emotionally ill. 

Christ has the power to heal the brokenhearted, the sick, and afflicted.  

Elder Bednar recently gave a CES Fireside and told a story of a young couple recently married when the husband was diagnosed with leukemia.  Prior to Elder Bednar giving this young man a blessing he felt prompted to ask him certain questions.  

“[John,] do you have the faith not to be healed? If it is the will of our Heavenly Father that you are transferred by death in your youth to the spirit world to continue your ministry, do you have the faith to submit to His will and not be healed?”

Frequently in the scriptures, the Savior or His servants exercised the spiritual gift of healing and perceived that an individual had the faith to be healed.  But as John and Heather and I counseled together and wrestled with these questions, we increasingly understood that if God’s will were for this good young man to be healed, then that blessing could only be received if this valiant couple first had the faith not to be healed.   

In other words, John and Heather needed to overcome, through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, the “natural man” (Mosiah 3:19) tendency in all of us to demand impatiently and insist incessantly on the blessings we want and believe we deserve.

 

We recognized a principle that applies to every devoted disciple: strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted. Certainly, John and Heather would desire, yearn, and plead for healing with all of their might, mind, and strength. But more importantly, they would be “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them], even as a child doth submit to his father”. Indeed, they would be willing to “offer [their] whole souls as an offering unto him” and humbly pray, “Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done."

As I listened to this talk and continue to reflect upon it I feel like I need to ask myself the same thing.  It is not that I don’t have hope that I will not or cannot be healed from the pain and horror that I have gone through, although sometimes that hope dwindles, but rather it brings a new light, where is my faith?  He also mentioned how there are those who are sick that are not healed.  We often talk about those who had faith enough to be healed but we lack speaking of those who had faith enough not to be healed but rather to accept the Lords will and move forward with the Lords timing and plan. 

It is in the process of “being sick” that we must learn, live, and become as our Father in Heaven would have us become.  Now, where does all of this put me and the process I’m in?  I don’t  know but what I do know is that I have a lot I can and need to do that will cause healing and once I’ve done those things then I can figure out the next step.

I do not believe our Father in Heaven wants us to be continually tormented by the pains and struggles we have faced and not heal but instead we must learn...to accept the will of the Lord, whatever that may be for us.  It is important to remember that “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [them]" does not mean that the Lord inflicted the abuse upon us.  Studying this topic all day...sick in bed...I came across this great clip.  It's worth 7 minutes of your time. 

The man in this video was saved from death but he was not healed.  He remains disabled and unable to perform daily tasks many of us take for granted.  Emotionally I have felt just as you see this man however I was touched by the section, "Things He Enjoys."  Even though he is limited on what he is able to do and I feel limited at times myself, he is still able to enjoy life "in his own way".  Just because all of us have our struggles, deep sorrows and pains does not mean that we can not enjoy life "in our own way." Yes, what we've experienced is horrible and we will probably not be healed right away but Christ is the Great Physician, He has a plan and we will be blessed as we partake of it. 

“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire” 

(Elder Orson F. Whitney, quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle [1972], 98).