"Love weeps"

Keep Trying

"It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son (daughter) of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins (mistakes, shame) instead of your divine potential. Brothers (sisters), don’t listen to him.

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents.

Now, brethren(sisters), compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him, and, dear brethren (sisters), that should be our eternal goal too. God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time.

I do not believe in a God who would set up rules and commandments only to wait for us to fail so He could punish us. I believe in a Heavenly Father who is loving and caring and who rejoices in our every effort to stand tall and walk toward Him. Even when we stumble, He urges us not to be discouraged—never to give up or flee our allotted field of service—but to take courage, find our faith, and keep trying.

Our Father in Heaven mentors His children and often sends unseen heavenly help to those who desire to follow the Savior."- (Four Titles, PRESIDENT DIETER F. UCHTDORF)

You're Never Alone

             



One of the most profound things you may be experiencing as a result of your abuse is a feeling of isolation. The feeling that no one really knows the "real you", the fear that if they did, they would not want to know you. The fear that if you did reach out to someone, they would not understand. The shame keeps you from reaching out for help.

I am on a Suicide Prevention Board in our town, and at our last meeting one of the psychologists on our team said something so simple, yet I know is so true. She said that one common thing teenagers experience is the feeling that they are the only ones experiencing whatever they are experiencing. For example, they think that no one else is worrying about the zit on their face, or worrying about making the team , or about what other kids are saying about them. They don't realize that all teenagers are feeling insecure and trying to figure out their place in the world. I have noticed that the same is true as adults. I was talking to someone this week about the same idea. She said , "the more I have realized that I have anxiety and am open about it, the more I realize how many other people are actually experiencing the same thing. " We are not alone in the difficulties of our human experience and you are not alone in having experienced abuse. As you begin to open up with those you feel you can trust you will also discover that there are many around you that infact can relate to your experiences and struggles. It takes great courage to move beyond the shame and the fear. But isolating yourself is one sure way to continue the cycle of shame. As you begin to take small steps in opening yourself up to others -remember that you are not alone and that there is one who knows all of you and loves all of you. President Monson said,

"There will be times you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle....There may be times when you feel detached — even isolated —from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith...........When you find yourself in such circumstances, I plead with you to remember prayer.”

"God’s children were not placed on this earth to walk alone.....What an amazing source of power, of strength and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. "

“Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek.”  -Ensign Oct 2013

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

And the opposite is also true.... Hurtful words to can be easy to speak but their echoes are also endless!! 

I have been thinking about the importance of discussing emotional and verbal abuse. I think these two kinds of abuse are too often overlooked or excused because they are less visible and harder to pinpoint. Sometimes they are even considered acceptable and normal behavior in our society. 

It may be easier to pinpoint the effects that childhood sexual or physical abuse had on you, then to see how emotional and verbal abuse has also harmed you. As an adult you may have learned how to protect yourself from being harmed physically, but yet still are allowing people to verbally and emotionally abuse you. Emotional abuse can have as devastating consequences to your physical and mental health. Although difficult to pinpoint sometimes, there are some common characteristics such as;

• Using economic power to control you
• Threatening to leave
• Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
• Smashing things
• Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
• Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
• Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
• Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
• Humiliating you in private or public
• Withholding affection as punishment

http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/

A 1995 booklet published by the LDS Church called Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders- gives examples of verbal and emotional abuse.

• Name Calling. Words such as idiot or jerk, sarcastic or exaggerated use of terms of endearment, unflattering nicknames, and insulting labels.
• Demeaning or Sarcastic Statements:Put-down humor.  With a quick wit some find ways to embarrass and humiliate 
• Faultfinding/Criticism 
• Intimidation: some may use threats to intimidate another into doing things their own way. This may include venting anger in harsh words, shouting, stomping around the house, and throwing or breaking things. Less-noisy forms of signaling discontent, ill will, or censure—from snapping at others to displaying angry looks and other signs of belligerence—can also be intimidating and thus constitute abuse.
• Isolation. Some seek to limit another's interactions either with them or with the outside world. Subtle manifestations of this include withholding affection, withholding information, or refusing to problem solve together, setting inapropriate rules such as controlling telephone calls, disallowing certain people in the house or limiting or forbidding another to go places alone.
• Manipulation: can include acting pitiable, creating guilty feelings in others, or blaming others for problems.

I have to say I am guilty of lots of sarcastic humor. I grew up in a family where sarcasm was considered funny and as an adult I often get caught in the same behavior towards my own loved ones. Although it seems funny at times--I know that it ultimately tears away at relationships and self esteem. I cannot remember ever being the butt of a joke and feeling better about myself as a result. Although sometimes this sarcasm felt like a way to connect with another person-it ultimately never left me feeling closer to that person.

Believe Yourself

Life has been going really well the last few weeks.  Its been an adventure for sure and I've been learning a lot about healing.  Recently I went through this process of...I'm not even sure what to call it.  There has always been a part of me that has doubted if the sexual abuse I was put through as a child really happened.  Often times studying childhood sexual abuse the topic of "false memories" will come up.  "In psychology, false memory refers to the recollection of an event, or the details of an event, that did not occur."  This has been something that has greatly troubled me and I've questioned did the abuse really happen to me, did I make it up, if I did what does that mean about me?!

Doubting myself and my memory has hindered my progression to heal but it has also saved me from feeling a lot of deep pain.

 

While attending a fireside about missionary work the Spirit hit me deeply and I realized the truth of what was being taught.  Something so simple had such a profound impact on me.  Just as investigators can pray and receive an answer to know for themselves if the church is true, I too can pray and ask my Father in Heaven if I some how made the abuse up, had false memories, or if it was all true.  I know in doing so I was also setting myself up for the pain that came with a confirmation that in fact, it really was true.

This revelation came softly while still striking me in the heart.  I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father could help me overcome this self doubt which was hindering my progression to heal.  If He loved other people so much to bless them, through the spirit, with feelings and knowledge of truth then He could do the very same for me even though it wasn't about a gospel topic.  The Holy Ghost is also referred to the Spirit of Truth.  Truth is truth.  Receiving light, knowledge, and truth is not merely limited to only spiritual things.

"He “witnesses of the Father and the Son” (2 Nephi 31:18) and reveals and teaches “the truth of all things” (Moroni 10:5). You can receive a sure testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ only by the power of the Holy Ghost. His communication to your spirit carries far more certainty than any communication you can receive through your natural senses." (True to the Faith, Holy Ghost)

It still frightens me to have a confirmation that such painful things really did happen to me and that someone who is suppose to love and care for me could do such horrible things.  Sometimes its easier to just think that those things are so horrible I had to have made them up however, that does not lead to healing.  Like we've said before, "You can't heal what you don't feel" and may I add believe.  

As I prayed and humbly asked Heavenly Father if my memories were real, if the abuse really happened, and if what I have claimed to be true for years was just that, true, tears ran down my face.  I did not have a grand "YES!" rather it was a soft subtle feeling that I already knew the answer deep down inside. 

Judging

One thing I've discovered is the great healing power that can come as we turn away our judgements.  Judging is also one of the greatest road blocks as well when we fail to stop unnecessary judging.  There are times in our lives we need to make judgements and that is not what I am referring to in this post.  

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I do things differently, am triggered, have a flashback, and sometimes just freak out.  When those around me judge my actions as selfish or weird it easily feeds into my own self believe that I truly am just that.

It is important for survivors to fight our own self judgement and instead fight to see ourselves as the Savior does.  Self-compassion is one of the greatest tools I've found (or have learned in counseling) to overcome the judgements we feel from the world, those around us, and ourselves.  

Believe in Good Things to Come

"No, it is not without a recognition of life’s tempests but fully and directly because of them that I testify of God’s love and the Savior’s power to calm the storm. Always remember in that biblical story that He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us—as well as the sea—to “be still.” Only one who has taken the full brunt of such adversity could ever be justified in telling us in such times to “be of good cheer.”  Such counsel is not a jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking, though positive thinking is much needed in the world. No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!"

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."
- An High Priest of Good Things to Come, Elder Jeffery R. Holland, Oct 1999

Is it selfishness or self love?

 

So with it being valentines day I thought I would of course talk about love. But today my focus is again on self love. I have never really liked Valentines day. I think it is a day that leaves the majority of people just feeling bad. Some feel sad and left out becuase they don't have a valentine. Others are feeling dissapointed becuase they have a valentine-but there is not alot of valentinesee feelings going on. Others get the flowers and the chocolates, but feel it is done out of duty. I just think that overall Valentines day is a let down for many.

For any of you who  might be feeling let down on this day I want to talk again about the importance of self compassion, self love and caring for self. As I was talking to my husband about the importance of putting self first-he had a question. He asked  how can you tell where the line is between self care and selfishness. I thought that was a really good question. Especially in the church where there are a multitude of messages saying to loose yourself in service. I just read one today from Elder Holland who is usually my favorite. He said "True Love blooms when we care more about another person than for ourself. "

I thought alot about this question and my answer is as follows,

We have to start with a foundation of mental, spiritual and physical health. We cannot truly give of ourself if we are not well to begin with. Our needs must come first . Not out of selfishness-but out of the reality that if we are not well- we do not have good things to give. Too often what we think is selflessness is instead codependency. They can look very similar. Codependancy involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Sound's altruistic, right? But in reality the codependent person is fixated on another person to validate their worth and gain aproval from another. Someone who may be codependent will constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed".

 

The line between codependency and compassion can be fuzzy because the intentions of both appear the same. However, while compassion promotes effective communication and mutual respect, codependency destroys the foundation of healthy relationships.

Here are a few really good questions from Therese Borchard -to ask yourself to determine if you are acting with compassion or codependency.

1. What are your intentions?

The word “compassion” is derived from Latin roots meaning “co-suffering.” Compassion goes beyond the emotion of empathy (ability to feel another’s pain) to actively want to alleviate another’s suffering. The intentions are motivated by love and selflessness. The underlying motive of codependency, on the other hand, is that of self-protection. The codependent person needs to be needed and is pursuing acceptance and safety. In that way, codependent activity — although seemingly charitable — is closer to selfish than selfless.

 

2. How do you feel, emotionally and physically?

Because codependency is a form of addiction – relationship addiction – it generates the hangover feeling that most addictions leave you with and deteriorates emotional and physical health. Compassion, on the other hand, promotes general health and well-being. In fact, recent studies show that compassion makes us feel good in a variety of ways. It activates pleasure brain circuits, secretes the “bonding” hormone oxytocin, slows down our heart rate, makes us more resilient to stress, and boosts our immune system.

 

3. Do you value the other person more than yourself?

Both compassion and codependency may involve attending to others’ needs. At times this requires personal sacrifice. However, a compassionate person continues to care for himself in the process; he or she never abandons himself in order to take care of another. A codependent person, on the other hand, discards his or her own needs, replacing them with the needs of the other person. Then he becomes bitter, resentful, and frustrated when there is nothing left for him at the end of the day.

 

4. Do you feel like you have a choice?

Codependent persons don’t have a choice — or at least they feel as though they don’t — in taking care of another person. There is an exaggerated sense of responsibility, a fear of abandonment by the other person if they don’t pull through. They are not performing free acts of charity as a compassionate person does. They are imprisoned by a sense that something terrible will happen if they don’t attend to another’s needs and do whatever they need to do to enable behavior, even if they acknowledge that it is destructive.

 

5. Is the relationship healthy?

Compassion strengthens the fibers of a relationship. Acts of selflessness contribute to mutual appreciation, effective communication, trust, and other key ingredients of successful relationships. Codependency, on the other hand, deteriorates the foundation of relationships, causing dependency, jealousy, bitterness, destructive behavior, poor communication, and a host of other problems. Codependency is usually found in relationships that were dysfunctional from the start, where one or both people are involved in destructive and addictive behavior.

 

6. Do you feel guilty?

Unlike compassion, codependency is associated with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt is often the motivating factor for decisions and behaviors within the relationship, even though they don’t make any logical sense.

 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/07/27/are-you-codependent-or-compassionate/

Of course the distinction between compassion and codependency isn’t always so clear. It takes alot of self awareness to think about our intentions. Are we taking over someone's responsibilities becuase we want to look good and let people know they can count on us. Are we not saying no when we are ask to do something, becuase we don't want someone to be mad at  us or look down on us? Are we doing things out of guilt or becuase we don't feel like we measure up? Are we overextending ourselves as a way too distract ourself from the pain or suffering we are feeling in another area of our lives. Or are we feeling healthy, happy and grateful-and want to share that joy with others. Have we taken time to nourish our spirt , body and emotions. When we do so - I think our natural reaction will be to  want to share that joy with others.

So back to my husbands question...how can you tell when you are just being selfish or you are needfully filling your own bucket? You tell me ....what do you think?

Your Polar Vortex

 

So I don't know about you, but I am feeling pretty done with winter. It has been the winter of the "polar vortex"  which has meant more snow then ever and daily frigid temperatures. We have not been good about keeping up with all the snow and our driveway and walk way are evidence of this. My husband has slid his car into the snow banks of our driveway 4x -getting stuck in the snow. I have stopped mopping the muddy snowy footprints off my floors, becuase of how discouraging it is to just finish mopping and have muddy snow prints walk right across it. I don't have alot of good to say right now about the snow. Usually I love the beauty of the snow that hangs to the trees in our neighborhood -but at this point midfebruary I am finding it very easy to wish away the snow.

I am not even sure why I am writing this --except to say sometimes it just feels good to complain and get it out . So there I got it out. I know there is much good about winter. I know how blessed I am to be in a warm home with a good job and wonderful family and I am happy. That said --I can still say --I am ready for the sun.

To all of you who may feel you are in your "polar vortex" or the darkness of winter, I wanted to share a wonderful quote from Elder Holland. He says,

"Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better. Moroni spoke of it in the Book of Mormon as "hope for a better world". For emotional health and spiritual stamina, everyone needs to be able to to look forward to some respite, to something pleasant and renewing and hopeful, whether that blessing be near at hand or still some distance ahead. It is enough just to know we can get there, that however measured or far away, there is the promise of "good things to come"....this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us....There is help. There is happiness. There really is light at the end of the tunnel. It is the Light of the World, the Bright and Morning Star, the "light that is endless, that can never be darkened" It is the very Son of God, himself...to any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope I say; Hold on. Keep trying. God Loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His "more excellent ministry" with a future of "better promises".-An High Priest of Good Things to Come, Elder Jeffery R. Holland, Oct 1999



Male Depression

We have talked earlier about depression and its signs and symptom. Today I wanted to adress depression in men as it may manifest itself very differently then in women. In the United States, depression affects nearly 2.75% of men (3 million men). And those are just the ones that have reported the depression.

As a whole depression in men has gone underreported. This may be becuase men are less likely to recognize and acknowledge the symptoms than women or because the symptoms are different.

"When it comes to depression in men, to some extent we have blinders on," said Dr. Andrew Leuchter, a psychiatrist who studies depression at UCLA. "We have not been asking about and taking into account a range of symptoms that may be gender-specific."

Men with depression often aren't diagnosed for several reasons. Some of them include:

• Failure to recognize depression. You may think that feeling sad or emotional is always the main symptom of depression. But for many men that isn't the primary depression symptom. For example, headaches, digestive problems, fatigue, irritability or chronic pain can sometimes indicate depression. So can feeling isolated and seeking distraction to avoid dealing with feelings or relationships.
• Downplaying signs and symptoms. You may not recognize how much your symptoms affect you, or you may not want to admit to yourself or to others that you're depressed.
• Reluctance to discuss depression symptoms. As a man, you may not be open to talking about your feelings with family or friends, let alone with a health care professional. You may think it's not "manly" to express feelings and emotions associated with depression, so instead you suppress them.
•  Resisting mental health treatment. Even if you suspect you have depression, you may avoid diagnosis or refuse treatment. You may avoid getting help because you're worried that the stigma of depression could damage your career or cause family and friends to lose respect for you.

Like women, men with depression may feel blue, feel tired, have difficulty sleeping and not get pleasure from activities they once enjoyed. But other behaviors in men that could be signs of depression — are not recognized as such. These include,

• Escapist behavior, such as spending a lot of time at work or on sports
•  Alcohol or substance abuse
•  Controlling, violent or abusive behavior
•  Irritability or inappropriate anger
•  Risky behavior, such as reckless driving

This info is from the below websites.
http://www.nami.org/

http://www.mengetdepression.com/

http://www.hopetocope.com/Item.aspx?id=530

 

Here is another Great article in the NY times-
http://articles.latimes.com/2013/aug/28/science/la-sci-depression-men-20130829

 

 

 

Fear vs faith

I have been thinking about fear lately.  We all have things we are fearful of -that is part of the human experience. As you read the scriptures, you find that even the prophets are fearful at times. Although this is true-it is important that -as President Monson's says-that we not take counsel from our fears.

 

 

 

How often do we let ours fears dictate our actions? How many times do we waste precious energy ruminating about our fears- instead of taking action. Now is the time to take a little step into that fearful unknown. Recently I got a counseling request from a women who said something like " I don't think it will make any difference, but sometime I think I will make an appointment with you." Even though that is a small step --it is a step!! It is ok that she doesn't believe that she can be healed. The key is she is willing to begin thinking about the possibility of coming to counseling. That is a step ! We all have to start somewhere-so I challenge you each to take one small doable step into the unknown. I promise it will be scary! But I also promise it will be worth it. As Bill Cosby said,

 

The opposite of fear is of course Faith. Faith is not not to have a pure knowledge. It doesn't mean that we have no fear. But it does mean that we move ahead even when we are fearful. Boyd K. Packer says,

“Faith, to be faith, must center around something that is not known. Faith, to be faith, must go beyond that for which there is confirming evidence. Faith, to be faith, must go into the unknown. Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness.” “What Is Faith?” in Faith (1983), 42


Elder Gibson talks about how there will be times that even when we do step forward with faith into the darkness-we may not see that promised light, lighting our way.
 
"Sometimes—after we have fasted, prayed, and done all we can do to dispel clouds that have not parted; after we have gone into the dark and expected further light that has not appeared; after we have lived the commandments through difficulties that remain unrelenting—we simply need to turn things over to our Heavenly Father"

He continues.......

" You have the gift of the Holy Ghost, and you have the right to receive revelation every day. At times revelation may not come as quickly as you might like because the Lord gives us opportunities to grow and develop our abilities according to His knowledge of us and what we need, but He will guide us through the Holy Ghost. And if we are worthy, He will not let us go very far in the wrong direction without warning us."   - A Time for Faith

ANGER -It ether Explodes or Implodes if not dealth with!

I have been thinking alot about anger lately. I have an extended family member who is filled with hate and anger. Recently his anger has come out in vicious and hateful emails to his family members. As I have read his emails I have been struck by the burden that he carries by holding onto this anger. Although his emails are meant to lash out against his family, god and religion-he mostly hurts himself. The anger that has boiled within him for 76 years of his life eats at him -he can never seem to let it go for long. He has tried isolating himself from everyone who loves him, he has turned to alcoholism and tried to drink the darkness away-- and yet it remains. He has many reasons to feel angry. I don't know all the details of his life, but I do know there was not a loving mother son relationship and that there was verbal and emotional abuse at the least. All of us who love him are pained to see that so much of his life over the years has been overtaken and consumed with this rage.
 

We have talked in previous posts about how anger can be a positive thing if it motivates us to change our situation. Anger can be a spring board to needed action. When it is not good -is when it sits and boils within us. Over the years- that anger causes physical and emotional pain- if not dealt with.

 

This family member has validated to me, the idea that what you send out to the world you get back. When anger "explodes" it results in negative feedback from the rest of the world and in turn only causes you more pain and isolation.

 

If not dealt with, anger either exlodes or implodes. It is either let out against the world in this out of control lashing out or it implodes within and turns into anxiety, self-loathing and depression. Many develop compulsive habits to cover over or dull the anger such as, eating, drinking, drugs or sexual activity.

"Anger is a natural reaction to child abuse. Yet survivors have a hard time

managing anger. They veer between lashing out or over-controlling it, not

knowing when it is appropriate and when it isn't, not knowing how to express

themselves forcefully without overdoing it. "-http://www.ascasupport.org/

Although it is much more difficult than it sounds -anger can be healed and you can learn to use your anger in appropriate ways. There is lots of literature on anger management You need to find what works for you.

The first step is to begin recognizing the ways anger is influencing your own life. What are the ways you have turned this anger inwards? What ways has your anger exploded externally?

Some things to begin to think about :

1. What signals does your body send you when you are starting to feel anger. Does your face turn red, does your heart beat faster, do you clench your jaw or hands? Start to become aware of the signals your body gives off when you are starting to feel angry.

2. What helps calm you when you feel angry? What has worked in the past? Would it help to take a personal time out, to count to 10, to go for a walk? Would talking to someone about it help.

3. What is triggering the anger? Is it related to your past abuse?

4. What are some ways you can safely express your anger without hurting yourself or others. Some ideas are-

• excersize
• write about your in anger in a journal
• scrub some hard to clean places
• get involved in public speaches, political marches or activities
• write letters to your abuser about your anger. You don't need to send it to reap the benefits.

I would love to hear from you all -what has worked for you? Really --I do want to hear from you. We started this blog with hopes that you would begin to feel comfortable sharing your own thoughts and feelings so that you can learn from each other.

Related to the last post -here is a good quote

Just like we talked about -it takes practice, and nurturing new ways of thinking and new behaviors. Don't get frusterated when they don't come naturally right away. Sometimes these might be extra shady spots -that require extra work and care:)