Healing Shame

In the early ninety's when I had just finished up graduate school, there seemed to be more and more attention being put on the study of shame. I remember laying on the hard wood floor of my fiance's house while he was working -listening to a PBS documentary on John Bradshaw's work on shame. I took in every word. I had never heard the difference between guilt and shame so clearly defined and I began to realize how shame had played a part in my own life. Kathy Slaughter, LCSW describes 7 differences between the two in a blog . http://www.ihrindy.com/7-differences-between-shame-and-guilt/

1. Shame means “I am wrong.” Guilt means “I did something wrong.” Shame hurts our self-image and our belief that we can change things we don’t like about ourselves or our situation. Guilt is about feeling badly about a mistake.
2. Shame does not lead to positive change; guilt does. When we experience shame, we often will try to ignore or avoid whatever caused the sense of shame. For example, when we feel shame about being overweight, we will avoid the gym or physical activity to avoid the feeling of shame. Guilt is feeling badly about something and can inspire us to act differently in the future.
3. Shame always leads to disconnection from others. Guilt can lead to healing. Confessing our errors allows us to be vulnerable with others, so guilty feelings can prompt us to build a connection through communication or changed behavior. Shame prevents us from feeling strong enough to confess our mistakes, making us defensive when others point them out.
4. Shame is internalized and deeply connected to our sense of who we are. Guilt is often passing. Shame-based comments appear to be accurate statements about our character or lack thereof. Those comments are easily internalized as truth about who we are, haunting us long after the comment was made. Guilt, on the other hand, fades with time or after corrective action is taken.
5. Shame is never healthy or useful. Guilt can be healthy and useful. Often people will make shaming comments with the best of intentions, hoping the comment will inspire someone to change something. As mentioned above, shame has the opposite effect. Guilt, however, is a useful response that helps interpersonal relationships exist. Be careful how you convey negative feedback – it will work better to simply state the harm caused than to shame the other person.
6. Shame is about causing pain for an individual. Guilt is usually associated with accountability. Shame is about making someone feel unworthy, different, or less than the speaker. Shameful comments are meant to hurt. Comments that create guilty feelings are about communicating pain or disappointment, without casting negativity on the person as a whole.
7. Shame underlies a host of psycho-social problems: depression, substance abuse, infidelity, etc. Guilt does not.

There has been even more research recently on how to heal shame through the power of self compassion. We talked in an earlier post about the work of Kristin Neff, PHD . She and others found that shame gets stuck in the neural circuitry of our brain. But, due to what we know about the neural plasticity of the brain—the capacity of our brains to grow new neurons and new synaptic connections—we now know that we can repair old shame memories, with new experiences of self-compassion.

Compassion is a skill. That means that it can be acuired and be improved upon. Beverly Engel LMFT shares an excersize to help improve your self compassion skills.

1. Think of one of your most shaming experiences from childhood. Now think of what you wish someone had said to you right after that experience. What would have been the most helpful and healing for you to hear at that time? Write this statement down on a piece of paper.
2. Imagine that someone you care very much about, someone you admire, is saying those words to you now. Hear those words in your ears. Take those words into your heart. Notice how those words make you feel.
3. Now say those words out loud to yourself. Take a deep breath and really take in those words. How does hearing yourself say those words out loud make you feel?

Our Savior Jesus Christ shows us the perfect example of mercy and compassion. He lifts and empowers us. He never degrades or belittles. He knows us each intimately and through his atonement he makes us pure and whole. Merill Batement said,

"The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom. "

(The Power to Heal Within, Ensign Aprill 1995)

"The Happiness Advantage"

I loved the way Shawn makes it fun to listen to his work! Shawn Achor is a leading expert on the connection between happiness and success. You can read more about his work on his website at http://goodthinkinc.com/speakers/shawn-achor/

In the above video He says,

"It is not reality that shapes us but the lense through which our brain views the world-that shapes our reality. If we change the lense through which we view the world, then we change our reality and happiness."

His studies have shown that your external world circumstances are not predictive of happiness. Instead, 90% of our happiness is based on how our mind processes the world.

This way of thinking and research is called "positive psychology". Where traditional pyschology has been focused on psychiatric illness or pathology-positive psychology seeks to study wellness and happiness. The focus is on the "build what is strong" approach as opposed to the "fix what is wrong" approach.

For more on positive psychology go to- http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/      .  On this site there are some great tools you can use to better study your own happiness. Go to
http://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/questionnaires.aspx

Research has suggested that meditation , journalling and leisure or play are all ways to increase  happiness. As with anything -practice is the key and as I have said before with practice new neural pathways can be created in the brain. Sean Achor challenges people to do one brief positive exercise every day for 21 days. He gives these as examples.

• Write down three new things you are grateful for each day
• Write for two minutes a day describing one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours
• Exercise for 10 minutes a day
• Meditate for two minutes, focusing on your breath going in and out
• Write one quick email first thing in the morning thanking or praising someone in your social support network (family member, friend, old teacher)

More on Eating Disorders

I wanted to refer you to a great resource one eating disorders. The National Eating Dirsoders Association. I have pasted a very small part of information from their website. For more information please go to . http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

Anorexia Nervosa

Anorexia nervosa is a serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss.
Symptoms

• Inadequate food intake leading to a weight that is clearly too low.
• Intense fear of weight gain, obsession with weight and persistent behavior to prevent weight gain.
• Self-esteem overly related to body image.
• Inability to appreciate the severity of the situation.
• Binge-Eating/Purging Type involves binge eating and/or purging behaviors during the last three months.
• Restricting Type does not involve binge eating or purging.

Eating disorders experts have found that prompt intensive treatment significantly improves the chances of recovery. Therefore, it is important to be aware of some of the warning signs of anorexia nervosa.

Warning Signs

• Dramatic weight loss.
• Preoccupation with weight, food, calories, fat grams, and dieting.
• Refusal to eat certain foods, progressing to restrictions against whole categories of food (e.g. no carbohydrates, etc.).
• Frequent comments about feeling “fat” or overweight despite weight loss.
• Anxiety about gaining weight or being “fat.”
• Denial of hunger.
• Development of food rituals (e.g. eating foods in certain orders, excessive chewing, rearranging food on a plate).
• Consistent excuses to avoid mealtimes or situations involving food.
• Excessive, rigid exercise regimen--despite weather, fatigue, illness, or injury, the need to “burn off” calories taken in.
• Withdrawal from usual friends and activities.
• In general, behaviors and attitudes indicating that weight loss, dieting, and control of food are becoming primary concerns.

Bulimia Nervosa

Bulimia nervosa is a serious, potentially life-threatening eating disorder characterized by a cycle of bingeing and compensatory behaviors such as self-induced vomiting designed to undo or compensate for the effects of binge eating.
Symptoms

• Frequent episodes of consuming very large amount of food followed by behaviors to try to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting, excessive excersize or use of laxatives.
• A feeling of being out of control during the binge-eating episodes.
• Self-esteem overly related to body image.

The chance for recovery increases the earlier bulimia nervosa is detected. Therefore, it is important to be aware of some of the warning signs of bulimia nervosa.

Warning Signs of Bulimia Nervosa

• Evidence of binge eating, including disappearance of large amounts of food in short periods of time or finding wrappers and containers indicating the consumption of large amounts of food.
• Evidence of purging behaviors, including frequent trips to the bathroom after meals, signs and/or smells of vomiting, presence of wrappers or packages of laxatives or diuretics.
• Excessive, rigid exercise regimen--despite weather, fatigue, illness, or injury, the compulsive need to “burn off” calories taken in.
• Unusual swelling of the cheeks or jaw area.
• Calluses on the back of the hands and knuckles from self-induced vomiting.
• Discoloration or staining of the teeth.
• Creation of lifestyle schedules or rituals to make time for binge-and-purge sessions.
• Withdrawal from usual friends and activities.
• In general, behaviors and attitudes indicating that weight loss, dieting, and control of food are becoming primary concerns.
• Continued exercise despite injury; overuse injuries.

Binge Eating Disorder

Binge Eating Disorder (BED) is a type of eating disorder not otherwise specified and is characterized by recurrent binge eating without the regular use of compensatory measures to counter the binge eating.

Symptoms

• Frequent episodes of consuming very large amount of food but without behaviors to prevent weight gain, such as self-induced vomiting.
• A feeling of being out of control during the binge eating episodes.
• Feelings of strong shame or guilt regarding the binge eating.
• Indications that the binge eating is out of control, such as eating when not hungry, eating to the point of discomfort, or eating alone because of shame about the behavior.

For A screening that may help you figure out if you need help for an eating disorder go to-
https://www.mentalhealthscreening.org/screening/NEDA

For a Confidential Online Live Chat Eating Disorder Support Group
Contact Name: Kate Clemmer      Email: kclemmer@sheppardpratt.org
Website: www.eatingdisorder.org
Meeting Location: http://www.eatingdisorder.org/forum/index.php
The Meeting Time: Second Monday of every month from 8:00-9:15pm EST
 

Self Soothing vs numbing.

Where is the line between comforting yourself and numbing yourself?

This is such a great question!! and I loved how Jennifer Louden explains the difference. She calls our numbing efforts -Shadow comforts. She says;

“Shadow comforts can take any form. It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness—a real comfort—or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself—a shadow comfort. You can chat on message boards for half an hour and be energized by community and ready to go back to work, or you can chat on message boards because you’re avoiding talking to your partner about how angry he or she made you last night.”

“It’s not what you do, it’s why you do it” – that’s it! That’s the line."

She continues,

"When you choose shadow comforts or a time monster, you choose less. Less aliveness. Less desire. Less connection. Less creativity. Less of your true life. That’s not true when you choose healthy comfort. Healthy comfort regenerates you, so you feel more alive and more yourself. Yesterday was a stressful day in our house, and when I chose to clean my desk, it was a great way to soothe my jittery self. If I choose to clean my desk right now when I need to write this post, it would be a time monster. It’s not what you do, it’s why you are choosing it and how it makes you feel that defines a shadow comfort and time monster. "

What is the antidote for numbing/Shadow comforts? She says it is Choice.

"Choose whatever you are doing mindfully, fully, and without guilt. Sit down and eat the rice crackers with butter and taste them, savor them...Keep choosing as you do whatever it is you are doing. Keep noticing how it makes you feel. Savor it fully.”   http://jenniferlouden.com/how-to-choose-more/

My husband and I have had this conversation many times. We have talked about how an activity that is meant to self sooth can instead become shaming -merely by the way we chose to think about this activity. I have spent much of our married life trying to help him understand the importance of "me time". Time to self sooth and rejuvinate. I for one have got this down really good. It was not very long into being a mom that I realized that I sunk into a depressive hole if I did not make and take time to be by myself. For me I started taking an hour a night watching mind numbing tv. I had to fight the shame that came with it, becuase if I allowed myself to listen to my inner critic- than it was not a self soothing activity. Instead I just felt guilty and not rejuvinated. In my family I grew up hearing "tv is a waste of time" and so in the early years of motherhood that voice would come as I watched tv --"you are lazy, you should be doing something more productive. Reading is better for you then tv..."As you can imagine allowing those thoughts made it so that time was not very self soothing. Over the years I learned that this hour or so of tv at night -was exactly what I needed. I need time away from everyone (including my husband) to destress and now I feel no guilt when I do this.

I try to explain to my husband that -if you take time to nurture yourself and then feel guilty about it--you have negated the whole process and I think it is better that you had not even done it. So today CHOOSE to self soothe-and don't feel guilty. Today be present and in the moment while you take a moment to self soothe!!

More on Objectification

"To be objectified is to be dehumanized. One must be seen as an object before being manipulated and preyed upon. When a child is raised inside a system of manipulation, as an object, that child will grow to find her value in serving others. A life of service can be a healthy choice when it is made from the point of pre-existing self-value. When value is only obtained through service to others, it is validation of existence. Objects have no initiative of their own but are wholly dependent upon the will of others to move them. A fully objectified individual cannot realize her own individualism. She is crippled and unable to achieve full independence. " http://emergingfrombroken.com/to-be-objectified-is-to-be-dehumanized-by-pam-witzemann/#sthash.XH1zqhcB.dpuf


I thought that was a very insightful comment by Pam. I see many men and women who have found that their worth is based soley on what they can do for other people. A life of service can be a healthy choice --but ONLY when there is already a pre-existing knowledge of self worth.  It took me a long time to understand this myself. Growing up I was taught clearly the importance of serving others and infact chose my profession, becuase I found great joy in helping others. In my thirties - I was a mom of 4 young children, had a wonderful husband, lived in a beautiful area, and was depressed. The more depressed I got the more I tried to focus on serving others. The message I was raised with was that the key to happiness was to do just that -get out and serve more. Becuase of this, I could not understand why despite all the service I was giving my children, my husband, my friends, and fellow wards members --I was NOT happier. I went to a counselor and she helped me understand that what I was trying to do was gain my self worth through service. She taught me that service can bring great joy-but that it is not meant to be a tool to build our self worth on.

The Lord loves us not becuase of what we do or what we look like or how many people we help. He loves us because of who we are -his child.

In the culture of our church we tend to think that worth comes through service and righteous living and in the culture of the world-we think that worth comes from our looks, our status, or our accomlishments. In both cases we are beging taught that our worth comes from external forces. In both cases we are being objectified -as our worth comes from what we DO -not from who we are. In reality our worth comes from within. It is not something that is earned -it is given to us freely becuase we are spiritual children of our Heavenly Father who loves us -because we are his children.

Elder Uchdtorf has said, "Disciples of Jesus Christ ......know that a person’s true value has little to do with what the world holds in high esteem. … The Lord uses a scale very different from the world’s to weigh the worth of a soul” (“You Matter to Him,” Ensign, Nov. 2011, 20, 22).


Elder Holland gave a wonderful talk in Oct 2005 General Conference about the way the world objectifies us through getting us to believe our worth is found through our looks.

"In this same vein may I address an even more sensitive subject. I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: “You can’t live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people’s opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. … The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self—[the real you.]”  And in the kingdom of God, the real you is “more precious than rubies.”  Every young woman is a child of destiny and every adult woman a powerful force for good. I mention adult women because, sisters, you are our greatest examples and resource for these young women. And if you are obsessing over being a size 2, you won’t be very surprised when your daughter or the Mia Maid in your class does the same and makes herself physically ill trying to accomplish it. We should all be as fit as we can be—that’s good Word of Wisdom doctrine. That means eating right and exercising and helping our bodies function at their optimum strength. We could probably all do better in that regard. But I speak here of optimum health; there is no universal optimum size.

Frankly, the world has been brutal with you in this regard. You are bombarded in movies, television, fashion magazines, and advertisements with the message that looks are everything! The pitch is, “If your looks are good enough, your life will be glamorous and you will be happy and popular.” That kind of pressure is immense in the teenage years, to say nothing of later womanhood. In too many cases too much is being done to the human body to meet just such a fictional (to say nothing of superficial) standard. As one Hollywood actress is reported to have said recently: “We’ve become obsessed with beauty and the fountain of youth. … I’m really saddened by the way women mutilate [themselves] in search of that. I see women [including young women] … pulling this up and tucking that back. It’s like a slippery slope. [You can’t get off of it.] … It’s really insane … what society is doing to women.” 1

In terms of preoccupation with self and a fixation on the physical, this is more than social insanity; it is spiritually destructive, and it accounts for much of the unhappiness women, including young women, face in the modern world. And if adults are preoccupied with appearance—tucking and nipping and implanting and remodeling everything that can be remodeled—those pressures and anxieties will certainly seep through to children. At some point the problem becomes what the Book of Mormon called “vain imaginations.” And in secular society both vanity and imagination run wild. One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us. Yet at the end of the day there would still be those “in the attitude of mocking and pointing their fingers” as Lehi saw, because however much one tries in the world of glamour and fashion, it will never be glamorous enough."

As victims of abuse, you were not taught of your inherent worth. You were treated like an object. As a result you may look to these external things to find your worth. I often find survivors living one of these to extremes...some focusing on serving others and "earning their worth through righteouss living" and others by trying to meet the world's standard of beauty and worth. Neither one will bring about the desired effect!!

How then does one gain self worth? I believe it is a gift from god that comes from him. I believe it comes from learning (from him) who we really are -what our gifts and talents are. It comes from getting to know him better. The more we get to know him -the more we learn about ourselves. How else do you think self worth is gained? This is a topic of many research studies and has been debated over the years. I would love to hear your comments and experiences!

To be objectified is to be dehumanized.

 

 I wanted to continue to talk about the body and of individual worth.Through abuse, you were taught that your body was merely on object. By definition, what is an object? An object is something inert to be manipulated. It exists only for the purposes it was made and can only passively fulfil that purpose through its use by an active party. For example food is for eating, a car is for driving, a pencil is for writing. When a person is objectified he/she is made into a passive thing — he/she is not an individual with feelings, ideas, desires, goals and ambitions. She/he is something to be used for the pleasure of the one who objectifies her. No one cares what an object thinks, feels or wants?

When you dehumanize a subject , it becomes merely an object.

Your abuser and Satan would have you believe that you are of no worth. Sister Tanner talks about this. She says

"Satan tries to do everything he can to get us to abuse or misuse this precious gift. He has filled the world with lies and deceptions about the body. He tempts many to defile this great gift of the body through unchastity, immodesty, self-indulgence, and addictions. He seduces some to despise their bodies; others he tempts to worship their bodies. In either case, he entices the world to regard the body merely as an object. In the face of so many satanic falsehoods about the body, I want to raise my voice today in support of the sanctity of the body. I testify that the body is a gift to be treated with gratitude and respect."-Sister Tanner Oct 2005

She continues,

"I have just returned from a visit where I welcomed into the world our newest little granddaughter, Elizabeth Claire Sandberg. She is perfect! I was awestruck, as I am each time a baby is born, with her fingers, toes, hair, beating heart, and her distinctive family characteristics—nose, chin, dimples. Her older brothers and sister were equally excited and fascinated by their tiny, perfect little sister. They seemed to sense a holiness in their home from the presence of a celestial spirit newly united with a pure physical body.

In the premortal realm we learned that the body was part of God’s great plan of happiness for us. As it states in the family proclamation: “Spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life” (“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Liahona, Oct. 2004, 49; Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). In fact, we “shouted for joy” (Job 38:7) to be part of this plan.

Why were we so excited? We understood eternal truths about our bodies. We knew that our bodies would be in the image of God. We knew that our bodies would house our spirits."

Remember -You Matter! I previously posted Elder Uchtorfs talk entitled You Matter,  I am going to repost some of it again as it is importatant to hear it again and again and again. No matter what you or your abuser believes about you --you DO matter -you do have feelings -you are far more than an object. You are of infinite worth!!
 

"My dear brothers and sisters, it may be true that man is nothing in comparison to the greatness of the universe. At times we may even feel insignificant, invisible, alone, or forgotten. But always remember—you matter to Him! ..
 

No matter where you live, no matter how humble your circumstances, how meager your employment, how limited your abilities, how ordinary your appearance, or how little your calling in the Church may appear to you, you are not invisible to your Heavenly Father. He loves you. He knows your humble heart and your acts of love and kindness. Together, they form a lasting testimony of your fidelity and faith...
 

Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and in deed.

Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourselves the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”

Brothers and sisters, the most powerful Being in the universe is the Father of your spirit. He knows you. He loves you with a perfect love.

God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him." -Ensign Nov 2011

 

 

 

Eating Disorders

 

"As a result of this trauma, most survivors of sexual assault experience body image disturbance in some form, from preoccupation with appearance to severe eating disorders. Reports show 30-60% of patients in treatment for eating disorders have been sexually assaulted.

"Survivors of sexual assault report feelings and behaviors that are entirely consistent with effects of objectification, almost all of which are associated with body shame, or feelings of disgust for one’s own body. Girls and women starve, binge, purge, compulsively overeat, avoid exercise, exercise obsessively, isolate themselves, and elect to life-threatening cosmetic surgery in an attempt to or control their bodies — either by forcing them to fit cultural beauty ideals (which are upheld as the product of superior willpower and self-discipline) or to avoid conforming to beauty ideals and thus avoid sexual attention. Girls and women who have been used and abused as objects are likely to treat their own bodies as objects."
 http://www.beautyredefined.net/sexual-assault-body-image/

 

"Eating disorders are common for adult survivors of childhood sexual assault and for survivors of sexual assaults as adults.Some studies indicate that almost 30% of women suffering from bulimia were raped at some point in their lives.Girls who are sexually abused appear to be at a double risk for eating disorders. Food can often become an area where a survivor can exert control by:Deciding when and if they can eat. How much and what they eat Denying themselves when they are hungry
‘Punishing’ themselves for feelings or memories they have about the abuse by not eating or by eating and then purging.Working through the hunger, Surviving on very little amounts of food
Accomplishing these things can feel like victories in gaining control over their lives and bodies after sexual assault or abuse took that control and choice away...Some survivors may deny themselves food in order to become thin and lose any resemblance of a female figure. Other survivors may want to gain weight to cover or hide areas of their body, or to attempt to make themselves unattractive. "http://health.columbia.edu/topics/eating-disorders/sexual-assault

 

Finding ways to cope with childhood sexual abuse and sexual assault without harming oneself is important to the healing process. We will talk more about eating disorders again.

 

More on Dissocation

I thought that Nancy Richards on her blog did a good job of explaining her experience with Dissociation. So I have pasted her entry here. (For her blog go to-http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/2008/12/dealing-with-dissociation.html)

Dealing with Dissociation

A fellow survivor recently asked me how I dealt with my dissociation. I thought I would share my answer here. Of course, this is just an outline for a very complicated process:

It took a number of years for me to get a handle on my dissociation. The first step was to simply become aware that I dissociated.

Because I had dissociated since I was a child, the emotional disconnect felt so normal to me that I didn't even know that I experienced "altered states" until a therapist pointed it out to me.

After my counselor helped me identify times when I dissociated, I learned that it had a certain recognizable "quality," just like a dream has a familiar feel to it.

The clinical definition of dissociation is a disturbance or alteration in the normally integrative functions of identity, memory, or consciousness. In children, this may occur following physical abuse or trauma.

Most abuse survivors I have talked to have said that they have trouble "feeling," or that they have become "numb." Dissociation can manifest itself to many different degrees and in many different fashions; therefore, it can simply mean an inability to "feel." For me, when the pain became "too much," I became "trance like." My gaze became transfixed to one unknown spot and I disconnected from my feelings and surroundings. I could hear what was going on around me, but I couldn't "respond" to words, noises, or actions, because my emotional self "disappeared."

When I was a child, dissociation "saved my life." It was my survival tactic. If I had to feel that which was unbearable and unending, I would have most likely gone insane. Dissociation protected my sanity at a time when I had no one to help me.

Long after I grew up, I learned that the very mechanism that saved me as a child, harmed me as an adult. I couldn't protect myself when I was young, but I could and should as an adult.

I often stayed in "harmful" situations because I unknowingly dissociated rather than reacting to pain and safe-guarding my own well-being. If we listen closely, pain is a useful resource for protecting ourselves.

Once I realized that I did indeed dissociate, that the "emotional absences" were harmful to me, and that they prevented me from healing, I made a concerted effort to "re-wire" my responses. This of course takes a great deal of time.

Whenever I felt the "quality" that comes with dissociation, I began to "pull" myself out. I shifted my eyes away from that far off "blank stare," and forced myself to remain present with my surroundings. If I was with someone safe, that meant saying, "I'm struggling with keeping myself present and not dissociating."

If I was not with someone safe, that meant leaving or re-directing myself by whatever means necessary to "stay present." I'd also like to note that my symptoms of dissociation and PTSD often overlapped as I was trying to deal with my childhood abuse.

Learning to recognize and prevent these "trances" consistently took a very long time. In this way, I learned to redirected myself from dissociating, and stay present with what was happening, but I didn't yet learn to "hold" my own feelings.

It took a great deal of therapy to create an environment safe enough to "hold" my feelings and to resolve them with self-compassion and love. At first, I was so out of my comfort zone, I felt like I was feeling my away around in the dark. I kept asking my therapist, "Is it normal to feel this way?" I had no frame of reference.

Just like with any healing, we don't just turn on a switch and suddenly "feel" everything. It would be too much. Our psyche can only take on so much pain at once and our minds guide us through the process in baby steps as we are ready to take on more feelings.
Sometimes, it felt like I would never get to the other side, but I did, and it feels more rewarding than I ever thought possible.
 
 
Each of you will have to find what works best for you. You will want to track what has worked for you and what has not. Jasmine Cori, LPC created what she calls the three R's- as antidotes for Dissociation. (Healing From Trauma, A Survivors Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaim your Life)


1. Refocus: Rather then focusing on the feelings of dissociation- pull yourself away from this and refocus on something grounding like a specific task. Make sure the task is not too demanding. Examples of a task might be cleaning, cooking, or paying bills. As you slowly focus on the task you may find yourself leaving that dissociative state.
2. Reconnect: Since Dissociation is a disconnection, it would make sense that reconnecting is an important part of the antidote. You may reconnect with yourself, with Nature, or your immediate environment. "Reconnecting with the here and now helps you not slip into the there and then." Examples of reconnecting are the grounding techniques we have talked about in previous blog entries. For example focusing on the feel of a peace of gum in your mouth-the taste and the texture. Or focusing on the sounds around you.
3. Reenter: Since Dissociation is being not all there, reentry is important. We need to come back to the present world. Don't push yourself to hard -It is ok to stay in a protected space until you feel that you are in a safe place and are ready to come back. Don't rush yourself. The key is to learn is how to find the right place and the right time to reengage. I realize that there is not always the perfect place or time for this , but as you track what has worked and what has not worked for you you will find techniques that work for you.

I know the Lord's light will help you through this healing process. I know the process sometimes leaves you feeling lost, but he will lead you through the "mists of darkness". Just as he led Lehi and his family to the Tree of Life. One of the grounding tequniques we have been given is the gospel. As you hold on to the "iron rod"-the scriptures and the word of god -you too will be led to your tree of life which as we know is the love of god.

1 Nephi 11:25 And it came to pass that I beheld that the rod of iron, which my father had seen, was the word of God, which led to the fountain of living waters, or to the tree of life; which waters are a representation of the love of God; and I also beheld that the tree of life was a representation of the love of God.


                           

The Decision to take Medication and What to ask a psychiatrist.

If you have clinical depression, Anxiety or other PTSD symptoms that are severe- your therapist may refer you to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medications. As a therapist I can attest to the benefit medication has been to many of my clients. Like I have mentioned in the past, studies have shown that a combination of therapy and medication is often the most successful for clients. That said medication is not a happy pill --it doesn't solve your problems and it is not for everyone. Psychiatric medications are widely misunderstood in our society. Become educated on the subject by talking to professionals. (not just the internet, or friends and family)

I have found that medication has helped some of my clients get to what I call a "level playing ground". It gives them the stability to then start doing the work that needs to be done in therapy. It is a personal decision and people have strong feelings about taking or not taking drugs, so always use prayer to guide your decisions and then stand firm no matter what those around you may feel or think.

If you do decide you would like to meet with a psychiatrist here are some of the questions that Dr. Matsakis recommended asking on your first visit.

1. What is my psychiatric diagnosis?
2. What various types of medications have been found helpful for this diagnosis?
3. What are the potential benefits of this medication and the possible negative side effects of this medication?
4. Are there any initial side effects that will disappear in time. If so how long should I wait for the initial symptoms to disappear before I call the office?
5. Why is this particular medication being chosen over another one?
6. How much research has been done on this particular medication and what is the probability that it will be helpful?
7. How long does it take for this particular medication to take effect?
8. What if I forget to take the medication at the prescribed time? Should I take it later in the day or wait until the next day. If I skip a day should I double it the next day?
9. Will this medication interact with any other medication I am on? (share what medications you may be taking)
10. How will you know if the dosage needs to be changed?
11. Do you have literature on this medication?
12. Can I become addicted to this medication?
13. What will happen to me if I were to suddenly stop taking the medication?
14. At what point can the medication be discontinued? Is there a point where the body becomes immune to the medicine and it ceases to be effective?
15. If this medication does not work what other medications are available?

Healing

We talk about healing alot in this blog. Healing is what you are all seeking. It is hard sometimes to pinpoint exactly what healing looks like. But I think that Dr. Matsakis does a good job of giving us an idea. She divides the healing process into three stages.

1. Remembering the trauma
2. Feeling the feelings associated with the trauma
3. The empowerment or mastery stage

That said -Healing is not so simple. It is a nonlinear Process. There will be setbacks. Like anything that takes great effort-you may take 3 steps forward and then two steps back. The key, like Elder Uchdtorf said in my previous blog, is that you are still on the jouney! Sometimes you my feel like you are going backwards in the healing process becuase in fact you need to. Maybe it is your spirit saying that you have taken too much on for right now. You may need to retreat for a moment. As Franklin D. Roosevelt said "when you come to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on." I say hang on, regroup-self sooth and then move forward again with renewed energy. 

Often it is hard to tell how far you have come. You will not have to be in therapy forever, but Dr. Matsakis suggests some areas you will need to progress in.

1. You've obtained a clearer more rational picture of the trauma- then when you began the healing process
2. You have spent time grieving, raging or experiencing other feelings associated with the trauma.
3. You have aquired some skills and attitudes that help you take back control of your life, as much as possible and practicle.
4. You have begun to forgive yourself for the behavior during the traumatic event about which you feel guilt or shame (rational or irrational)
5. You have mastered some effective stress-reduction skills so you can function better in your day to day life.  (I Can't Get Over It, A Handbook for Trauma Survivors 2nd Edition)

You will never be perfect in these areas, but I think they are a good way to measure your progress.

There is not a quick solution when it comes to healing from trauma. And there will be times when you will just need to hang on. Sometimes it is about the journey not just the destination!

Elder D. Todd Christofferson explained what he learned from a personal trial: “

"Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.”25. D. Todd Christofferson, “Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread” (Church Educational System fireside, Jan. 9, 2011), lds.org/broadcasts.

Now note he did not say he was grateful for the trial:) But for the process.

                 

Why do I act this way?-Triggers

"Due to the way traumatic memories are stored, when something arises in the present that reminds you of a past event, you may feel the feelings associated with the past event." -Aphrodite Matsakis, PHD)

These present day feelings are called triggers because they trigger the emotions that are associated to the trauma. In the present, your brain does not know the difference between a real threat and a threat that is stored in your mind. So when the adrenals are set off by a trigger that reminds you of your trauma you may feel as threatened, angry,confused, or bereaved as you did during your original trauma. This can result in nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, rage and other PTSD symptoms.

Your recaction to triggers may provoke negative reactions in others. It is important to remind yourself that you are entitled to your response. Despite what others think, your response is logical and rational considering the way the human brain works. Although these reactions are understable, they come at a cost. The decisions you make becuase of these reactions may even result in more pain and anger. So it IS important to learn to identify your triggers and learn to cope with them. I wanted to talk about the first step of Identifing your triggers.

Dr. Matsakis suggests doing a Trigger Chart. On a paper Lable the heading Trigger Chart, then draw three columns beneath it. Label the first column Trigger, The second column My Reaction, and the third Traumatic Memory. In that first column list the times that you feel the fight or flight feeling where you shut down or go numb. (This can be smells, sights, sounds, people, or objects that remind you of the trauma) In the second column write down your reactions (anger, rage, depression, shame, self hatred, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, isolatingyourself, overworking, craving, food alcohol or drugs, increased flahsbacks, increased pain such as headaches, backaches, increased chronic medical condition problems or others you can think of. In the third column trace your reaction to an original traumatic event.  Consider sharing this with a trusted friend or family member who might could help you identify more triggers.

All of these ideas come from a book I would recommend called.  I Can't Get Over It-A Handbook for Trauma Survivors.

Perfectionism

 

A set of self defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high

or unrealistic goals. Sometimes seen as a good trait or necessary for success-it actually

 interferes with success. Studies show that perfectionists are LESS successful

than those who set more realistic goals.

Perfectionists grow up feeling that their value is related to what they accomplish.

Their feelings of self worth come from external things -such as accomplishments

or other’s approval. Perfectionists are sensitive to self and other’s criticism and

think they can avoid it by being perfect.

Irrational beliefs of a perfectionist:

1. It is what you achieve rather than who you are- that is important

2. If I have a set back I just didn’t try hard enough and need to try even harder.

3. All or nothing thinking: “I will never be able to reach my goal the way I want to- so why try?”

The Destructive cycles of perfectionism:

1.You set unreachable goal

2.You hit a roadblock or fail to meet goal

3.You become self critical, blaming, depressed and anxious

4. These feelings lead to reduced productivity or hopelessness

5. You say “I just didn’t try hard enough” and you start the cycle all over again

Negative Consequences of perfectionism:

1. Feelings of FEAR: fear of failure, of making mistakes, of disapproval

2. physical illness

3. low self esteem, guilt, anxiety or depression

4. Obsessive behavior: in an effort to try to maintain order

5. compulsive behavior: food, sex, drugs, alcohol, shopping, in effort to self medicate “not feeling good enough”

6. Lack of motivation

7. Immobilization

Healthy goal setting

1. Set a goal that you want to do -not that you think you “should” do

2. Enjoy the moment/process -don’t just focus on the end result

3. Prioritize: which tasks do you want to give high priority to. Which ones are less important to you

4. Set small sequential goals and when they are reached, set the next small step

5. When you are feeling depressed or anxious ask yourself -

“Have I set too hard of a goal?”

“ What am I afraid of ?”

“What is the worst thing that could happen?”

6. When you make a mistake ask yourself:

“What can I learn from this experience”.

7. Avoid all or nothing thinking

Important Questions

1. What are the negative consequences of perfectionism in my life?

2. What unrealistic expectations do I have?

3. How can I tell that I have made an unrealistic goal?

4. What would be a more realistic goal- or a more realistic way to go about reaching this goal?

5. Think of a recent mistake and list all the things you have learned from it.



"Abide with me."

 

 Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
 the darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
 When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
 Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

 

 Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
 earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
 change and decay in all around I see;
 O thou who changest not, abide with me.

 

 I need thy presence every passing hour.
 What but thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
 Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
 Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

 

 I fear no foe, with thee at hand to bless;
 ills have no weight, and tears not bitterness.
 Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
 I triumph still, if thou abide with me.

 Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes;
 shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
 Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
 in life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

If the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life.

I am going to repeat that!!! ...

"If the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain -set that step aside for now until you have more experience with the Savior's healing power in your life!" (Richard G. Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse, Ensign April 2008)

Healing and forgiveness is a process. Elder Faust said,  

"Forgiveness is not always instantaneous... When innocent children have been molested or killed, most of us do not think first about forgiveness. Our natural response is anger....Most of us need time to work through pain and loss." (The Healing Power of Forgiveness, Ensign May 2007)

I have not been ready to tackle this topic as I don't feel very forgiving of my client's abusers. But I thought I would atleast start a discussion about it.

What Forgiveness is?  

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” (Dr. Sidney  Simon and Suzanne Simon, Forgiveness: How to Make Pease with your past and Get on with Your Life)

What forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness does not require condoning a wrong, nor does it require allowing a harmful behavior, such as an abusive relationship, to continue. Also, forgiveness is not forgetting—if the offense wounded you enough to require forgiveness, you will likely have a memory of it. As author Lewis B. Smedes explained, “Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

I liked Vicki's definition.

"First of all, we need to understand exactly what is involved in forgiveness; what it is and what it is not. So many times we think of forgiving someone as letting them off the hook and allowing an abuser to go free without any responsibility for the cruel acts that have been committed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whenever possible, anyone who has abused another person in any form, should be held accountable and should pay the penalty that is meted out in a court of law. However, so many times in cases of childhood sexual abuse, the statute of limitations has run out long before survivors can pursue the penalties within the courts. This does not mean that the abuser gets away with anything. There will be a day of reckoning for every abuser as he stands before God, Who is always just and righteous. Forgiveness is really more about the survivor than it is about the abuser. Forgiveness is a way to release the hold that the abuser has on our life. As long as we remain in a state of unforgiveness, we are joined to our abuser. We hold on to our anger in an attempt to make the abuser pay for his deeds, and in so doing, we remain bound to our abuser. Remaining in a state of unforgiveness prevents us from moving forward in life.- Vicki D. Messer, Yahoo Contributor Network Jan 31, 2012

I really like the book The Hiding Place. In it, we hear of Corrie ten Boom and her family's experiences in the nazi contentration camps. After the war she continued to speak publically of her experiences, of her healing and of forgiveness.

On one occasion a former Nazi guard who had been part of Corrie’s own confinement in Ravensbrück, Germany, approached her, rejoicing at her message of Christ’s forgiveness and love.

"'How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,’ he said. ‘To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!’

“His hand was thrust out to shake mine,” Corrie recalled. “And I, who had preached so often … the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.

“Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. … Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.

“I tried to smile, [and] I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.

“As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

“And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

It is not our forgiveness -It is his. When he gives a command he provides the ability to do it -in his timing and in his way. Please do not berate yourself if you are not ready for this step.  Instead focus on getting more experience with the Savior's healing power in your life.