Christmas Blues

 

 

 

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs! And abeautiful video by the church and the Piano Guys! It talks of how we mourn in this life, sometimes feel that we are in the depths of hell, and amidst the gloomy clouds. And how we yearn for our Saviors deliverence and of the hope that in fact we truly can rejoice becuase he will come and set us free. What beauty!

With the Christmas holidays arriving tomorrow it is not always easy to feel that peace and rejoicing amidst all the hustle and bustle of the season. This seasons evokes a miriad of feelings -some good and some bad. When you are suffering emotionally --it may even be amplified during the Christmas season. I found this link with some ideas to help you get through this season. What are some things that have helped you feel the peace of this Season. What does not help --what can you avoid?

What causes Christmas blues?

Balancing the demands of shopping, parties, family obligations, and house guests may contribute to feelings of being overwhelmed and increased tension. Typical sources of sadness over Christmas include:
 •Stress
 • Fatigue
 •Unrealistic expectations
 •Over-commercialisation
 •Financial stress
 •The inability to be with one's family and friends
 •Reminders of loss and bereavement

Tips for coping with Christmas stress and depression

Just like an advent calendar, here are 25 tips for coping with Christmas stress and depression:

1. Keep your expectations modest
Don’t get hung up on what the Christmas holidays are supposed to be like and how you’re supposed to feel. If you’re comparing your festivities to some abstract greeting card ideal, they’ll always come up short. So don’t worry about festive spirit and take it as it comes.

2. Do something different
This year, does the prospect of the usual routine fill you with Christmas dread rather than joy? If so, don’t surrender to it. Try something different. Have Christmas dinner at a restaurant. Spend Boxing Day at the cinema, or get your family to agree to donate the money to a charity instead of exchanging presents.

3. Lean on your support system
If you’ve been depressed, you need a network of close friends and family to turn to when things get tough. During Christmas, take time to get together with your support network regularly -- or at least keep in touch by phone to keep yourself centred.

4. Don’t assume the worst
Don’t start the Christmas season anticipating disaster. If you try to take the festivities as they come and limit your expectations -- both good and bad -- you may enjoy them more.

5. Forget the unimportant stuff
Don’t run yourself ragged just to live up to Christmas tradition. So what if you don’t get the lights on the roof this year? So what if you don’t get the special Christmas mugs down from the loft? Give yourself a break. Worrying about such trivial stuff will not add to your festive spirit.

6. Volunteer
You may feel stressed and booked up already, but consider taking time to help people who have less than you. Try volunteering at a soup kitchen or helping someone to do their shopping.

7. Avoid problems
Think about what people or situations trigger your stress and figure out ways to avoid them. If seeing your uncle stresses you out, skip his New Year’s party and just stop by for a quick hello on New Year’s Day. Instead of staying in your bleak, childhood bedroom at your stepfather’s house, book into a nearby hotel. You really have more control than you think.

8. Ask for help -- but be specific
See if your spouse will dig out the decorations. Ask your sister to help you cook -- or host the Christmas dinner itself. Invite a friend along on shopping trips. People may be more willing to help out than you expect; they just need some guidance from you on what to do.

9. Don’t worry about things beyond your control
So your uncle and your dad get into an argument at every Christmas dinner and it makes you miserable. Remember your limits: you can’t control them, but you can control your own reaction to the situation.

10. Make new family traditions
People often feel compelled to keep family Christmas traditions alive long past the point that anyone’s actually enjoying them. Don’t keep them going for their own sake. Start a new tradition instead. Create one that’s more meaningful to you personally.

11. Find positive ways to remember loved ones
Christmas may remind you of the loved ones who aren’t around anymore. Instead of just feeling glum, do something active to celebrate their memory. For instance, go out with your sisters to your mum’s favourite restaurant and make a toast.

12. Don’t overbook
The festive season can last for weeks and weeks. People really need to pace themselves or they’ll get overwhelmed. Don’t say yes to every invitation. Think about which parties you can fit in -- and which ones you really want to attend.

13. Don’t stay longer than you want
Going to a party doesn’t mean you are obliged to stay until the bitter end. Instead, just drop by for a few minutes, say hello, and explain you have other engagements. The hosts will understand that it’s a busy time of year and appreciate your effort. Knowing you have a plan to leave can really ease your anxiety.

14. Take a friend to the party
If the prospect of the office Christmas party is causing stress, talk to a friend and arrange to arrive -- and leave -- together. You may feel much better knowing you have an ally and a plan of escape.

15. Forget about the perfect gift
If you’re already feeling overwhelmed, now is not the time to fret about finding the absolute best present ever for your great aunt or your postman. Remember: everybody likes a gift voucher.

16. Shop online
Save yourself the inconvenience, the crowds, and the horrors of Christmas traffic and parking, by doing the bulk of your shopping online.

17. Stick to a budget
The cost of Christmas shopping mounts up quickly and can make people feel out of control and anxious. Draw up a budget long before you actually start your shopping and stick to it.

18. Stay on schedule
As much as you possibly can, try to stick with your normal routine during the Christmas season. Don’t stay too late at parties. Don’t stay up all night wrapping presents. Disrupting your schedule and losing out on sleep can make your mood deteriorate.

19. Exercise
While you may not feel like you have the time to exercise during the festive season, the benefits are worth it. There's evidence exercise can help prevent anxiety and depression. You can work physical activity into your busy days. When you’re shopping, take a few extra laps around the shopping centre. Walk your Christmas cards to the post office instead of driving.

20. Eat sensibly
When you’re facing a dozen festive parties and family gatherings between now and New Year, it’s hard to stay committed to a sensible diet. But try. Eating healthy may keep you feeling better -- physically and emotionally. On the other hand, don’t beat yourself up if you go overboard on the cookies at work. It’s not a big deal. Just get back on track the next day.

21. Don’t rely on Christmas spirits (or other substances)
The festive season is often a time of heavy drinking. Remember that alcohol is itself a depressant and abusing it will leave you feeling worse. It also may not be safe for people taking antidepressant medication.

22. Try a light
As the daylight grows shorter, lots of people find their mood gets gloomier. While some have diagnosed seasonal affective disorder (SAD), even people who don’t may still have a seasonal aspect to their depression. Talk to your GP about trying light therapy. It could improve your mood.

23. If you take medication, don’t miss doses
In the hustle of the festivities, it’s easy to forget and miss medication. Don’t let that happen. Make sure that you’re up-to-date on your repeat prescriptions, too.

24. If you see a therapist, consider having extra sessions
To stay grounded, plan ahead and consider booking some extra sessions during this season. Or you could ask about the possibility of doing quick phone check-ins.

25. Give yourself a break
Christmas and the New Year period can be a time to dwell on imperfections, mistakes and things you’re not proud of. Be gentle with yourself.
http://www.webmd.boots.com/depression/guide/christmas-depression-stress

Shame, Sharing, & Service

Shame
Synonyms: humiliation, mortification, chagrin, ignominy, embarrassment, indignity, discomfort

"Shame is, variously, an affect, emotion, cognition, state, or condition. The roots of the word shame are thought to derive from an older word meaning "to cover" as such, covering oneself, literally or figuratively, is a natural expression of shame." (Lewis, Helen B)

Common Definition: A painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

When I first saw this definition of shame it made me mad. It added to the feelings I have that I did something to cause the sexual abuse and that is why I am feeling so much shame. These feelings have lead me to think that I need to repent and that I am guilty for the abuse, that somehow I allowed it to happen and have sinned.  On another side of feeling shamed I've thought,  "I am just a retched, broken messed up person and that is why I am the way I am."  

It is easy to believe that the shame you feel from experiencing childhood sexual abuse is your fault.  We must remember that shame does come from "wrong or foolish behavior" but that does not mean it comes from our "wrong or foolish behavior" but rather the abusers.   I am often told that the shame I feel is not my shame and I do not need to carry it.  Its is the shame of the abuser.  Easier said than done, it's a work in progress. 

Normally I am a really social person, great with eye contact, keeping a conversation going, and comfortable in conversations.  As I've been meeting with a counselor and talking about the sexual abuse I've experienced shame completely overcomes me.  It becomes impossible to even look towards my counselor let alone make eye contact. The shame, humiliation, embarrassment, and intense feelings I have as I share those dark experiences are so strong all I want to do is hide my face.

They day I am able to talk about the abuse and look someone in the eye while doing so will be a major victory as small as it may seem.

The Power of Sharing

There is great power that comes in sharing the experiences we have gone through in an appropriate way.  The quote below is referring to the addiction recovery program but the principles of sharing are the same. 

“One critical source of help is mutual support...So many people with an addiction [or abusive past] feel like they’re broken or that they’re the only one in the Church with a problem. They go to church and feel like everyone around them seems so perfect while they have this terrible, ugly secret."

“When people with addiction [or abusive past]...meet people with similar challenges, they find support, and the stigma goes away. Lifting that shame is so powerful, so healing—and almost at once they begin to feel the Savior’s love."
 (Dr. Ben Erwin, LDS Family Services, ARP)

"Many survivors feel that they have few people to whom they can talk, or from whom they can seek and receive support. However, it is important not to try to recover from your abuse in a vacuum. Learning to trust others and to turn to them for support is a crucial step in recovery. Doing so challenges one of the basic notions arising from a history of abuse: namely, that people are dangerous. Trust your own feelings. Choose people who are interested in you and who can engage with your situation."

"Disclosing your experiences will rob the abuse of its potency. Even though the effects of abuse cannot be completely erased, they can certainly be diminished, and coped with in a healthier way." (www.asca.org) 

For those who are on the other end of sharing, those listening to a survivor, here are a few helpful tips.  Remember each survivor of childhood sexual abuse is different.  Each person needs different things including you.  These suggestions are from Olga Trujillo, a fellow survivor.  

• Listen
• Believe
• Ask questions to better understand
• Be transparent (be honest)
• Learn more about survivors of childhood sexual abuse

I would also like to add, follow the Spirit in listening.  As you do, you will be guided if you should ask the survivor questions, listen, and how to respond.  Your heart will expand as you pray to have empathy and give compassion.

Service 

As I've tried to open up and *safely* share with others about my past not only do I find power and relief from the shame but others are strengthened as well.  It is hard to open up and share parts of your past but remembering that sharing is also an act of service can give you the strength you need to step into the dark.  

"Survivors of sexual assault who publicly speak out create change in the silence that surrounds this crime. Your act of speaking out can end the false sense of shame that survivors often carry. Seeing you cast off the shame may inspire them to do the same."

"Your act of speaking out has the power to heal and change on a broader scale than you may know; never doubt it."

(Louise, © 2009 Pandora's Project)

We must make sure when we do feel ready to share we do so in an appropriate setting.  It would not be appropriate to share our experiences of childhood sexual abuse over the pulpit in sacrament meeting.  

Personally I have found sharing my experiences in an intimate or one-on-one setting to be much more powerful and help not only myself but the individual who may need to hear what I am saying.

Sharing can also be as simple as re-posting this blog post on Facebook or sharing the link to a loved one prior to talking with them about your experiences.

 "I have experienced the sense that not only does speaking out help other survivors feel less isolated, but that I, too, feel less alone as I join with others engaged in the same battle. It is also richly empowering to have transformed my experiences into the ability to offer something worthwhile to other survivors. In speaking out, you become part of destroying the forces that have harmed and hurt you. This has been one of the greatest expedients to my own healing. It is just such a fine way to fight back and can reduce one’s own fear and shame. There is even a little thrill of vengeance towards those who attempted to silence me.  

It’s very important that survivors only proceed if they feel ready, not because they think they should."

(Louise, © 2009 Pandora's Project)

   

 

Panic Attacks

"I have absolute certain knowledge, perfect knowledge, that God loves us. He is good, He is our Father, and He expects us to pray, and trust, and be believing, and not give up, and not panic, and not retreat, and not jump ship, when something doesn't seem to be going just right. We stay in, we keep working, we keep believing, keep trusting, following that same path and we will live to fall in His arms and feel His embrace and hear Him say, "I told you that it'd be okay, I told you it would be all right."-Elder Holland.

Trusting -instead of panicing and retreating- is not a survivor's natural impulse. Part of PTSD is feeling panic and feeling the need to retreat. Because anxiety and panic attacks are common among sexual abuse survivors- I thought it important to talk about Panic attacks.

Panic attacks involve sudden feelings of terror that strike without warning.  Working in the ER at the hospital I have seen many come because they are worried they are having a heart attack, only to find that it is actually a panic attack.

Recently I was counseling someone suffering from panic attacks at her son's hockey games. She understood her panic attacks were due to a previous injury that had taken place watching her son's hockey game. A few years ago, she had been hit by a stray hockey puck and had suffered from a concussion and long term headaches. Naturally being back at the ice rink involked great feelings of panic. No matter how much she tried to reason with herself -that the likelyhood of it happening again was slim-her body continues to react with feeling dizzy, a racing heart and a sense of terror and impending doom.

Panic disorder actually are fairly common and affects about 2.4 million people in the U.S., or 1.7% of the adult population between the ages of 18 and 54. Women are twice as likely as men to develop the condition, and its symptoms usually begin in early adulthood.

Some Symptoms of a panic attacks are:

•  "Racing" heart
•  Feeling weak, faint, or dizzy
•  Tingling or numbness in the hands and fingers
•  Sense of terror, or impending doom or death
•  Feeling sweaty or having chills
•  Chest pains
•  Breathing difficulties
•  Feeling a loss of control
•  Panic attacks are generally brief, lasting less than 10 minutes. 

Many people don't know that their disorder is real and highly responsive to treatment. Panic disorder is highly treatable, with a variety of available therapies. Once treated, panic disorder doesn't lead to any permanent complications. Some are afraid or embarrassed to tell anyone, including their doctors and loved ones, about what they experience for fear of being considered a hypochondriac. Instead they suffer in silence, distancing themselves from friends, family, and others who could be helpful or supportive.Take a look at this great site for more on panic disorders. http://www.adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/panic-disorder-agoraphobia?gclid=CPj0vOzIgrsCFbBAMgodzlgAKw

"Most specialists agree that a combination of cognitive and behavioral therapies are the best treatment for panic disorder. Medication might also be appropriate in some cases.
The first part of therapy is largely informational; many people are greatly helped by simply understanding exactly what panic disorder is, and how many others suffer from it. Many people who suffer from panic disorder are worried that their panic attacks mean they're "going crazy" or that the panic might induce a heart attack. "Cognitive restructuring" (changing one's way of thinking) helps people replace those thoughts with more realistic, positive ways of viewing the attacks.

Cognitive therapy can help the patient identify possible triggers for the attacks. The trigger in an individual case could be something like a thought, a situation, or something as subtle as a slight change in heartbeat. Once the patient understands that the panic attack is separate and independent of the trigger, that trigger begins to lose some of its power to induce an attack.

The behavioral components of the therapy can consist of what one group of clinicians has termed "interoceptive exposure." This is similar to the systematic desensitization used to cure phobias, but what it focuses on is exposure to the actual physical sensations that someone experiences during a panic attack.

Relaxation techniques can further help someone "flow through" an attack. These techniques include breathing retraining and positive visualization. Some experts have found that people with panic disorder tend to have slightly higher than average breathing rates, learning to slow this can help someone deal with a panic attack and can also prevent future attacks."-American Psychological Association.

Life is Brutiful ( that is not a misspelling!)

I won't add anything to this most perfectly put TED talk. Take a listen and learn about feeling feelings and allowing yourself to wake up each day to come out into a brutiful world (brutal/beautiful)

Self Compassion

 

 

 I have been thinking alot about compassion for self lately. I find a common theme among those I counsel. The theme of shame, self loathing and the inability to be patient and merciful with ourselves. Some of us are great at being merciful and kind to others -but when it comes to ourselves we are not so good. I think the greatest sign of emotional healing is the ability to have compassion for ourselves.

The Savior was the greatest example of compassion. He loved the sinner and the imperfect. Compassion means to feel love and mercy towards a person. The Lords love for us is not conditional on our behavior. It is not earned. He cherishes us even if we stumble. And we all do stumble.

Compassion means to have sympathy and desire to relieve suffering. It means to show kindness and tenderness. Christ healed the sick and afflicted and we often read of him being  “moved with compassion”.   When he saw that people were hungry-he fed them. When they were sick-he healed them. When they were in need of spiritual enrichment-he taught them. He met their needs. Too often we are not even aware what our needs are -let alone do we take time to meet those needs. Although we may think of this as "selfless behavior" it is not really. Our needs don't go away just by ignoring them. Instead they find ways of creeping out and we end up unknowinlgy meeting those needs in unhealthy ways; such as various addictions (food, drugs, anger, work)

When we are compassionate with ourself, studiess have shown that that we have less anxiety, less depression and less conflict.

Kristin Neff, PHD has made it her work to study self compassion. You can learn some of what she has found, by watching above. Being compassionate with ourselves does not mean we are are not aware of our weaknesses or that we aren't trying to improve. Kristin Neff says that it is to accept ourselves with an open heart-treating ourselves with kindess and caring. Her work over the last decade has shown that self compassion  is a powerful way to achieve emotional health and contentment and helps in avoiding destructive patterns of fear, negativity and isolation.

She says that self compassion entails three core components.
"First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.

This means that unlike self-esteem, the good feelings of self-compassion do not depend on being special and above average, or on meeting ideal goals. Instead, they come from caring about ourselves—fragile and imperfect yet magnificent as we are. Rather than pitting ourselves against other people in an endless comparison game, we embrace what we share with others and feel more connected and whole in the process. And the good feelings of self-compassion don’t go away when we mess up or things go wrong. In fact, self-compassion steps in precisely where self-esteem lets us down—whenever we fail or feel inadequate."

She continues:

"Recently, my colleague Roos Vonk and I investigated the benefits of self-compassion versus self-esteem with more than three thousand people from various walks of life, the largest study to examine this issue so far. We hypothesized that self-esteem would be associated with relatively unstable feelings of self-worth, since self-esteem tends to be diminished whenever things don’t turn out as well as desired. On the other hand, because compassion can be extended to oneself in both good times and bad, we expected the feelings of self-worth to remain steadier over time among self-compassionate people. As expected, self-compassion was clearly associated with steadier and more constant feelings of self-worth than self-esteem. We also found that self-compassion was less likely than self-esteem to be contingent on outside factors like social approval, success in competitions, or feeling attractive. When our sense of self-worth stems from being a human being intrinsically worthy of respect—rather than being contingent on reaching certain goals—our sense of self-worth is much less easily shaken.

We also found that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion was associated with less social comparison and less need to retaliate for perceived personal slights. It was also linked to less “need for cognitive closure,” which is psych-speak for the need to be right without question. People who invest their self-worth in feeling superior and infallible tend to get angry and defensive when their status is threatened. People who compassionately accept their imperfection, however, no longer need to engage in such unhealthy behaviors to protect their egos. Self-compassion was found to be completely unassociated with narcissism, meaning that people who are high in self-compassion are no more likely to be narcissistic than people low in self-compassion...........

Research suggests that self-compassion provides an island of calm, a refuge from the stormy seas of endless positive and negative self-judgment, so that we can finally stop asking, “Am I as good as they are? Am I good enough?” By tapping into our inner wellsprings of kindness, acknowledging the shared nature of our imperfect human condition, we can start to feel more secure, accepted, and alive"

How can you become more compassionate with yourself? Less judgmental. See yourself with the love and compassion that our Savior sees you with? On the flip side -what are you doing that is not compassionate to yourself? and how do you think that might be negativly affecting your life?
 

Gratitude

How could I not talk about gratitude during this thanksgiving season. It is not always easy to feel grateful though -when you are suffering and I don't ever want to belittle your suffering with a trite statement like "you just need to be grateful". That is not my intention at all. The answer to all your woes is not just "cultivating an attitude of gratitude". Sayings like that in fact may turn many away. It is simply not that simple!!

That said...there are a multitude of studies out there that attest to the healing power of Gratitude and that it is key to happiness.  I remember taking a class a couple of years ago that went through all of the most recent studies on happiness. I was struck with the fact that all the studies proved things I have always known as common sense. But hey atleast now we have studies to show it --right:)

One of those things they found was that the people with the most gratitude were the happiest. They found that there was no correlation between how rich someone was and how happy they were. As long as peoples basic needs were met -material things were not a factor of happiness. There are billionaires who don't feel satisfied and poor people who feel they have everything they need. The tendency to feel grateful is a mental attitude that can be developed.

Many scientific studies, including research by renowned psychologists Robert Emmons http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/author/Robert_Emmons/  and Michael McCullough, (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_McCullough_%28psychologist%29)  have found that people who consciously focus on gratitude experience greater emotional wellbeing and physical health than those who don’t. In comparison with control groups, those who cultivated a grateful outlook:

• Felt better about their lives as a whole
• Experienced greater levels of joy and happiness
• Felt optimistic about the future
• Got sick less often
• Exercised more regularly
• Had more energy, enthusiasm, determination, and focus
• Made greater progress toward achieving important personal goals
• Slept better and awoke feeling refreshed
•  Felt stronger during trying times
•  Enjoyed closer family ties
• Were more likely to help others and offer emotional support
• Experienced fewer symptoms of stress

Ways to become more grateful. http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/ten_ways_to_become_more_grateful1

1. Keep a Gratitude Journal. Establish a daily practice in which you remind yourself of the gifts, grace, benefits, and good things you enjoy. Setting aside time on a daily basis to recall moments of gratitude associated with ordinary events, your personal attributes, or valued people in your life gives you the potential to interweave a sustainable life theme of gratefulness.
2. Remember the Bad. To be grateful in your current state, it is helpful to remember the hard times that you once experienced. When you remember how difficult life used to be and how far you have come, you set up an explicit contrast in your mind, and this contrast is fertile ground for gratefulness.
3. Ask Yourself Three Questions. Utilize the meditation technique known as Naikan, which involves reflecting on three questions: “What have I received from __?”, “What have I given to __?”, and “What troubles and difficulty have I caused?”
4. Learn Prayers of Gratitude. In many spiritual traditions, prayers of gratitude are considered to be the most powerful form of prayer, because through these prayers people recognize the ultimate source of all they are and all they will ever be.

5. Come to Your Senses. Through our senses—the ability to touch, see, smell, taste, and hear—we gain an appreciation of what it means to be human and of what an incredible miracle it is to be alive. Seen through the lens of gratitude, the human body is not only a miraculous construction, but also a gift.
6. Use Visual Reminders. Because the two primary obstacles to gratefulness are forgetfulness and a lack of mindful awareness, visual reminders can serve as cues to trigger thoughts of gratitude. Often times, the best visual reminders are other people.
7. Make a Vow to Practice Gratitude. Research shows that making an oath to perform a behavior increases the likelihood that the action will be executed. Therefore, write your own gratitude vow, which could be as simple as “I vow to count my blessings each day,” and post it somewhere where you will be reminded of it every day.
8. Watch your Language. Grateful people have a particular linguistic style that uses the language of gifts, givers, blessings, blessed, fortune, fortunate, and abundance. In gratitude, you should not focus on how inherently good you are, but rather on the inherently good things that others have done on your behalf.
9. Go Through the Motions. If you go through grateful motions, the emotion of gratitude should be triggered. Grateful motions include smiling, saying thank you, and writing letters of gratitude.
10. Think Outside the Box. If you want to make the most out of opportunities to flex your gratitude muscles, you must creatively look for new situations and circumstances in which to feel grateful.

Now I want to make sure that you understand that I am not implying that being grateful is the SOLUTION to happiness. When there is trauma or mental illness -professional help is vital to healing.

I have had periods of depression in my life and when my parents said things like-"you have so much to be grateful for" -it just made me more depressed. I already knew how blessed I was and hearing things like that-just made me feel more guilty for being sad. I figured I must be selfish if I could have so many blessings and yet still be sad. It was not until later in life that I learned that that is one clear sign of depression -feeling sad even though life is going so good.

The other thing I heard over and over again was "where much is given much is required. Just forget yourself and serve other people." Those are things a depressed person does NOT need to hear.  My whole life was about serving other people- so I could forget about how bad I was feeilng and I can attest that although it is rewarding to help others --it did not cure depression!

That said -grattitude in addition to professional help can help you heal!! The list above is not a magic list --it may not work for you. Can you find ways to feel grateful. For me it is taking a moment to notice nature around me. I find great joy in feeling the sun on my face, hearing the wind, smelling cool crisp air. Find what works for you.

"Help them to know they are loved"

As I was saying my morning prayers this morning I heard myself saying something that I say in almost every one of my personal prayers.  As any mother does, I pray daily for my children -that they will be happy -that they will be safe -and for whatever the individual child may be struggling with on that particular day. But the one thing I find that I say in almost every prayer with sincere pleading and yearning is that they will now they are loved. There is so much hate in the world around us. More then anything I could ever teach them -I want them to know they are loved -not only by their parents but by heavenly parents and an elder brother Jesus Christ. That when the world seems to be against them -they can lean on that knowledge.

We have all had times in our lives when we have felt completely alone. I have talked before of some of my college years. They were the "best of times and the worst of times". The perioud of young adulthood was where I was forced to really come to terms with who I was and what I wanted out of life. I have talked about my sophmore year before -but it was a time of soul searching and of feeling utterly alone. I remember one time I decided to leave BYU campus and take a bus up to Salt Lake City alone to just wander the temple visitors center. During that visit, I watched one of the videos that was playing at that time in the visitors center "Our Heavenly Fathers Plan" I think is what it was called. It is corny as ever! But during it -they sing Michael McCleans songs "Your not Alone" And the spirit struck me! I felt so strongly at that moment -that I was not alone. That God was aware of me and that even if no one else knew what I was going through, he knew and cared. I was going to post this song but honestly the corniness of it and how outdated it is -just takes away from the spirit of it I think . I will just post the words. For me, that day, it was an avenue for the spirit to speak to my spirit.

Your not Alone

Here’s a little song to help you get along.

It will see you through when you’re feeling blue.

And though it’s not profound when you’re feeling down, so down,

Sing this little tune, and you’ll feel better soon.

You’re not alone, even when you’re feeling on your own,

You are loved in ways that can’t be shown; your needs are known;

You’re not alone.

And when you cry, you’re just letting go of heartache deep inside,

And tomorrow there’ll be sunshine and sky and love close by;

You’re not alone.

And we know that it’s not easy, but we know that it won’t last,

’cause one that loves you more than me is sending blessings fast.

You’re not alone, say it one more time,

“I’m not alone,”

And even when it’s hard to find the words, our prayers are heard;

We’re not alone.

You’re not alone.

There are too many children (and adults)-who don't know they are loved. I can still remember listening to President Hinkly's powerful talk in conference of April 1994 called Behold Your Little Ones. That year I started an internship for my masters program at a residential treatment center in Boston for troubled kids -most who had been taken out of their parents custody for abuse and maltreatment. I learned quickly that I did not want to continue my professional career there. It was too hard for me to see the suffering children. President Hinkley said,

"Children are the epitome of innocence; they are the epitome of purity; they are the essence of love; they are the essence of hope and gladness in this difficult and troubled world.

And yet there are millions who are abused, who are neglected, who become victims of anger and abject selfishness and evil of the worst kind.

 

Surely it is time to awaken within people everywhere an increased awareness of the terrible offense toward God, our Eternal Father, that is given whenever a child is made to suffer. Sad to say, evidence of that suffering is all about us.

 

There is tragedy in the land, much of it. I suppose there has always existed abuse of children, but it seems to have increased in tragic dimensions. Possibly it is because we are made more aware of it. Regardless, the time has come to do more than we are now doing. Look about us at children born of drug-addicted mothers, children who may never escape the terrible handicaps that have come with life itself; children, not a few, who are beaten, neglected, abandoned, sexually assaulted, who will never entirely get away from the trauma of their troubled lives; children who are the victims of famine and war.

 

Well did the Savior say: “Whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea” (Matt. 18:6).

 

For children of the Church everywhere, for the children of the entire world, we invoke the blessings of the Lord upon them that they may be in larger measure protected from evil, that they may grow in righteousness, that they may walk with love for God, who is the father of each of us. We invoke blessings upon their parents that they may protect their little ones, that they may nurture them, that they may teach them those truths which will bring them peace all the days of their lives. For, as the writer of Proverbs states, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6).

 

“Behold your little ones.” God bless your little ones wherever they may be"

I feel so blessed to be in the profession I have chosen of social work, becuase daily I feel that it is my work to let others know that they are loved-that they have worth. I am so blessed to get a glimpse into so many people souls. Trials humble us and strip us of pretense and that is when I get to meet people.  As I meet with them, the prayer in my heart is always "let them know they are loved". May you each know that you are loved and be an instrument to let others know they are loved.

How can you access gods love for your more fully? How can you give yourself the love you deserve, when the world is not able to give you what you need?

Take a Time Out, Let Loose, Be Crazy, and Dance!

We've talked about importance of grounding in previous posts before.  Monday I was flooded with flashbacks, doubts, stress, and anxiety.  It was difficult to stay in the present and I felt so disconnected but I learned an important yet simple lesson.  Sometimes you just need to take a moment to take a time out, let loose, be crazy, and dance. 

This is something I use to do all of the time and realized I need to do it more often.  While I had my stereo cranked and was making a fool of myself dancing my stress washed away for 3 minutes and was reconnected to the present. 

Healing from childhood sexual abuse is hard work.  Being a loved one or supporter of a survivor is hard work as well and both people face stress, the unknown, anxiety, you name it but sometimes we just need to take a breather from it all and dance.  If you don't like to be seen dancing, which is most of us, find a secluded place.  I've even been found dancing in a bathroom stall at work before.

"Music can enrich your life. It can edify and inspire you and help you draw closer to Heavenly Father. Music has a profound effect on your mind, spirit, and behavior." 

(For the Strength of YOUth)

                                                                                    

 "If thou art merry, praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and thanksgiving.  If thou art sorrowful, call on the Lord thy God with supplication, that your souls may be joyful.  Fear not thine enemies, for they are in mine hands and I will do my pleasure with them." 

(Doc & Cov 136: 28-30)

A Word to the Supporters of Survivors

Friends, family members and spouses are important allies for survivors, but relationships with survivors can be fraught with frusteration and stress and can leave allies feeling unloved and unappreciated. Recently one of our readers noted that we have not written about the stress that comes to those who love the survivor. He is right -there is not a lot of support for you who are supporting the victim. It's hard to watch someone you care about in pain. Supporters can  feel helpless as they watch their loved ones struggle with issues that they may not understand.  During periods of crisis, or when the survivor is incapacitated, there is high levels of stress. Just as survivors can feel alone on their journey- so can their partners. They too can feel as though there is no one to talk to, as if no one understands. It is most important for the supporter to also find ways to feel supported and to care for him/herself.

There are a few websites that adress the needs of "secondary survivors". I quote from http://www.pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html

"It's very important to maintain your own well-being. You may find yourself feeling alarmed by the intensity of your own feelings. It can be helpful to recognize that it is natural for supporters to experience their own sense of shock, anger and devastation. Acknowledge the impact that this has on your own life, and seek outside support for yourself. Taking care of your needs can make it easier to provide support to others.

Listening to a survivor and truly being present for her/him is the most valuable thing you can do to help in their healing, but it also can be very consuming for you, especially as you sort through the emotions you are being presented with. Make sure that you take time for yourself.... This will help in two ways: you will not become burnt out as a supporter and he/she will not become dependent on you to meet all of her/his healing needs. Taking time for yourself can mean many things. Take a break by going out with friends once in a while. Keep up with your hobbies. If you become overwhelmed, it can really help to immerse yourself in a project. Also, get a good workout in. Not only is exercise one of the healthiest forms of self-care, it is a great way to get your anger out!

You will need time to process your own emotions and may find it helpful to seek professional couseling and support groups for yourself. I have not had a chance to look for support groups for supporters in the area. I will research this and get back to you. Are any of you aware of support groups ? Please share. And please share your own experiences. Your own experiences are really what will make this blog truly alive and of value!! Feel free to email me at jennifer.b.west@gmail.com

We will talk more on this subject for sure- as it is important that partners and friends develop clear boundaries, and look after themselves.

Do You Understand Who You Are?

As always, I love Elder Uchdorf. Like he said, "think of where you come from, this knoweldge challenges everything ..you are glorious and eternal."

You are more -much more than a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Your abuse and your history does not define you. It may have influenced many parts of your life-both good and bad, but ultimately you are much more!! It know it is hard to believe that- especially during the days that the abuse and trying to heal from it- is so all consuming. There IS much more to you though !

What are some of your talents? What are some of your hobbies? What are some of the character traits you came down to earth with? Sometimes I ask those I counsel to create a list of their talents and character traits. Most of them find this assignment fairly difficult. We are all good at listing what we are not good at , but have to think harder when trying to find what we are good at. As a result, I will often ask them to go around and ask people that they trust- to add to the list. This is not neccessarily an easy assingment either. Even when they have gathered this information, it takes some effort to believe it.

For young women's activities or at girls camp- I remember doing something similar- where we had someone sit in the middle of a circle and everyone had to take turns saying something positive about the person. I HATED that activity. I thought it was stupid and contrived and just not real. If people were forced to come up with something to say about me -it was hard for me to believe that it was very sincere. I remember thinking..these people don't even know me! I think my reaction said more about how I felt about myself then about how others felt. Now older and a little more mature, I still don't like that activity. That said I do think that others may be better at recognizing the good in is, then we are of ourselves. Our spirit shines through. So take a chance -ask someone to list a few things about you.

One of the most common requests I get in counseling from women especially- is to increase their self esteem. I think that that is also the hardest thing requested of a counselor. I don't really know how to go about doing this. I think self esteem is a gift from god. A precious gift that as children of our heavenly father- we all need if we are going to be able to withstand the trials of life.

Recently my 8th grade daughter had an experience on her bus ride home from school. An unhappy bully was trying to get her and her friends attention by bragging about how rich his dad was, ect. When they chose to ignore him -he was not so pleased and began to bully them and call them names. Normally this would not bother my daughter (She has put up with this particular bully since kindergarten) but he happened to say something negative that she already believed about herself. And so what he said- hit too close to her heart. When she related the experience to me -I was naturally in "mama bear" mode and was furious!  I am sure that is how heavenly father feels when he sees his children bullying and abusing his children. And yet like heavenly father, I cannot always step in and make it all better. The most important thing I can do is to teach my daughter of her worth. That when someone bullies her- she can stand tall and know of her worth. This is not so easy! Especially when we already belittle ourselves over what we think are flaws.

How then does one go about gaining the vision that we are glorious and eternal. What has helped you?