Learning through Trials -more on Post Traumatic Growth

Related to the last post on Post Traumatic Growth (Fancy terminology for learning from and growing through our trials), I loved Elder Vinson's talk in last falls General Conference. He talks about how the Lord sometimes does leave our problems temporarily unsolved. He said,

"The Lord’s guidance and instruction are essential. He helped the faithful brother of Jared by solving one of his two challenges when He told him how to get fresh air into the barges that had been faithfully built (see Ether 2:20). But, pointedly, the Lord not only left temporarily unsolved the challenge of how to provide light, but He then made it clear that He, the Lord, would allow the buffetings and trials that necessitated its solving. He it would be who would send forth the winds, the rains, and the floods (see Ether 2:23–24).

Why would He do that? And why does He warn any of us to remove ourselves from a source of danger when He could simply stop the danger from happening? President Wilford Woodruff told the story of being spiritually warned to move the carriage that he, his wife, and child slept in, only to discover that a whirlwind shortly thereafter uprooted a large tree and dropped it exactly where the carriage had previously stood (see Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Wilford Woodruff [2004], 47).
 

In both of these instances, the weather could have been adjusted to eliminate the dangers. But here is the point—rather than solve the problem Himself, the Lord wants us to develop the faith that will help us rely upon Him in solving our problems and trust Him. Then we can feel His love more constantly, more powerfully, more clearly, and more personally. We become united with Him, and we can become like Him. For us to be like Him is His goal. In fact, it is His glory as well as His work (see Moses 1:39).  (Drawing Closer to God, Elder Vinson Oct 2013 Ensign)

The key is -Temporarily! He will not leave them unsolved. He has all power to heal us. I believe that. All of us have things about ourselves that we seem to never be able to move beyond. I know I still struggle with the same things I struggled with as a kid. It seems the older I get, the more I realize I am still the same little girl with some of the very same struggles. This has left me feeling hopeless sometimes. Other times, though, when I see things through more faithful lenses I recognize that my inability to overcome my shyness in bigger group social situations and my struggle with my weight are both things, that cause me to turn to the Lord. They also keep me more compassionate of others and their struggles, and they have opened opportunities for me to be vulnerable with others. This vulnerability has in fact strenghtened my relationships with others. Although, I cannot compare my struggles with yours-I do believe the same is true -no matter what our trials are. Having faith that purpose can be found through trials is key to hope and without this hope there cannot ever be change.

Post Traumtic Growth

It is part of the human experience to feel extreme distress when faced with trauma, difficult losses or great suffering. The idea, though, that these highly difficult life experiences can lead to personal positive growth is recently receiving more attention. Recent research has focused on this ability to grow from trials and has labelled this -Post Traumatic Growth. 

This idea is not new and once again, research is merely proving things we have already learned in the gospel!! Throughout history and in the scriptures we see many examples of people who valiantly overcame struggles and grew from their trials. That said,  growth resulting from trauma is not universal. Everybody who faces crisis's doesn't experience growth, but the idea that we can turn trauma into a greater purpose and even lead others to healing-is exciting.

I do not want to imply, that trauma is good or even that those who experience growth do not suffer. 

R. Tedeshi and L. Calhoon, say that Postraumatic growth occurs during our attempts to adapt to highly negative sets of circumstances such as major life crisis. 

"Growth does not occur as a direct result of trauma, rather it is the individual's struggle with the new reality in the aftermath of trauma that is crucial in determining the extent to which posttraumatic growth occurs."

Posttraumatic growth is not simply a return to baseline  after a period of suffering; instead it is an experience of improvement beyond the previous baseline. 

They found a number of predictive factors associated with this ability to grow- following trauma. 

1. spirituality. 
2. social support. 
3. the opportunity to emotionally disclose trauma

(Tedeshi, R.G., & Calhoun, L.G. (2004). Posttraumatic Growth: Conceptual Foundation and Empirical Evidence. Philadelphia, PA: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.)

Posttraumatic growth tends to occur in five general areas. 

1. Sometimes people who must face major life crises develop a sense that new opportunities have emerged from the struggle, opening up possibilities that were not present before.
2. Some experience a change in relationships with others. They experience closer relationships with some specific people, and may also experience an increased sense of connection to others who suffer.
3. Other's experience an increased sense of one’s own strength 
4. Some people gain a greater appreciation for life in general. 
5. Others experience a deepening of their spiritual lives, which may even involve a significant change in their belief system.

For more literature and research on this topic, please refer to 
http://ptgi.uncc.edu/what-is-ptg/ 

So when you hear people say they are grateful for their trials, I don't think they are saying they enjoyed the experience or would even want to go through it again. Instead, they recognize the change and growth they experienced as a result. 

Medication

I wanted to talk about the use of medications in the healing process again. About 15 years ago in the earlier years of my counseling profession I was asked to do a presentation for a large group of women on depression. I talked about a variety of things including the use of medication. I had a lady come up to me afterwards who seemed angry with my presentation. She stated that I had made it sound all too simple. Her daughter had suffered from depression and they had tried counseling and many different medications -without any reprieve. Around the same time I was giving another presentation on depression to some church members. The conversation became heated as some of the participants started voicing misinformation about medication. I will always remember those two presentations, because it helped me understand better how sensitive the topic can be, how not simple the topic is, and how much misinformation is out there.

Previous to this-the topic seemed more simple to me. It just made sense-why would you not try something if you were sick and you knew it could help? I had seen first hand how much medicine had helped so many of those I counseled. Over time and more professional experience-I am more sensitive to the fact that the decision to turn to medication is not always so simple. 

That said, I do feel that there continues to be misinformation out there. Just in the last few months I have had friends post various things on Facebook, that got my "knickers in a bunch." For example here are some titles of a few of the articles written, "ADHD Does Not Exist.", "Antidepressants Don't Work"  and then a meme that said "Take a Walk Not a Pill."  All of them made me grumble, but I was the most frustrated with the last one. It frustrated me because on the surface it doesn't seem like a hurtful message. How could encouraging someone to take a walk be a bad thing. Exercise is a vital and scientifically proven method for improving mood and lowering depression and anxiety. I am not arguing the validity of that. In fact exercise is one of the first things I encourage all those I counsel to do. But,come on! If it was really that simple --don't you think people would have tried it already.  The, fact is that those I have counselled sometimes can not get themselves to do these healthy behaviors, because of their mental illness.  

My own experience. as I have counselled people, is not that people are too quick to medicate away their problems, My experience has been the opposite, that by far there are too many that don't consider the option that medication may help. By discussing the benefits of medication, I do not want you to think that I am advocating that medication is the only route to healing, or that it should always be used. I am not saying that. Each person has to prayerfully consider their own situation and feelings as they make decisions for their own lives. But I do want to make sure that you have correct information as you make those decisions. 

We definitely have a very long way to go in understanding the human brain, but I believe that the Lord continues to provide knowledge and technologies to help us. I love Elder Morrison's writings on the topic. He says .

“Among the most painful trials an individual or family can face is that of mental illness... We still do not know exactly how the brain works nor exactly how and why parts of it may malfunction. One thing is certain, however: no individual, family, or group is immune from the effects of mental illness. Furthermore, we are learning that many mental illnesses result from chemical disorders in the brain, just as diabetes results from a chemical disorder in the pancreas…

 Remember that God has given us wondrous knowledge and technologies that can help us overcome grievous problems such as mental illness. Just as we would not hesitate to consult a physician about medical problems such as cancer, heart disease, or diabetes, so too we should not hesitate to obtain medical and other appropriate professional assistance in dealing with mental illness.“-Elder Morrison

Elder Holland also gave a wonderful talk on mental health. I have posted it in my recommended speeches. He says, 

"If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."- Elder Holland, Like A Broken Vessel.

Like I already said-we have a long way to go. But we are slowly learning more about the brain. More recently there have been studies on the effectiveness of medication on PTSD. The FDA  has approved sertraline (Zoloft), a drug commonly used to manage depression, as the first medication specifically for the treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder.

"New research has revealed how severe trauma can produce long-term changes in the nerves in the brain. In particular, it is now believed that the problem is caused by alterations in the chemical substances that nerves in the brain use to communicate with each other, substances referred to as neurotransmitters. These alterations in neurotransmitters may be responsible for the symptoms and behaviors.Treatment of post-traumatic stress disorder has therefore shifted to drugs that target these chemical substances. For example, antidepressants including imipramine and phenelzine (Nardil) that alter neurotransmitters such as serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine, and acetylcholine have been found do more to reduce flashbacks and the feelings of helplessness more than placebo (a dummy pill).A trend that emerged from these studies was that greater improvement was seen with drugs that altered serotonin more than other neurotransmitters." 

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=12516&page=2

There are a number of biological changes that have been associated with PTSD and medication is being used to help some with these symptoms. 

"Some of the main biological disturbances in PTSD can be conceptualized as dysregulation of the naturally occurring stress hormones in the body and increased sensitivity of the stress and anxiety circuits in the brain. There is dysregulation of adrenergic mechanisms that mediate the classical fight-flight or freeze response. Yehuda and others have found that patients with PTSD have hypersensitivity of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA) as compared to patients without PTSD (4). Patients have a much greater variation in their levels of adrenocorticoids than patients without PTSD. Other researchers have found differences in both brain structures and brain circuits that process threatening input between patients with PTSD and those without.

The medications prescribed for treating PTSD symptoms act upon neurotransmitters related to the fear and anxiety circuitry of the brain including serotonin, norepinephrine, GABA, and dopamine among many others. Studies show that a number of medications are helpful in minimizing the three symptom clusters of PTSD. Most of the time, medications do not entirely eliminate symptoms but provide a symptom reduction and are best used in conjunction with an ongoing program of trauma specific psychotherapy for patients."

http://www.healthquality.va.gov/guidelines/MH/ptsd/


So, my advice when you are considering medication. 

• Remember that it is not simple. 
• It takes a willingness to work closely with your psychiatrist and may require that you patiently try different medications. 
• Don't just read things you find on the internet. 
• Keep an open mind. 
• Talk with some reputable professionals and research reputable sources. 
• Don't feel that you have to rush into any decision. 
• There is no such things as a happy pill. Getting better requires change and work-along with medication.
• Studies continue to show that the combination of medicine and therapy bring the best results.
• There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to deciding whether to take medication or not. 
• And as always-pray about it.

Trauma and Health Implications

We have talked about the ways sexual abuse effects its victims long term. One of these ways can be through health problems. It has also been well documented over the years that those who suffer from a major upheaval in their life are more prone to disease exacerbation. It makes sense then that studies continue to show that sexual abuse survivors are more likely to experience health problems as a result of their trauma. 

"When a child grows up afraid or under constant or extreme stress, the immune system and body’s stress response systems may not develop normally. Later on, when the child or adult is exposed to even ordinary levels of stress, these systems may automatically respond as if the individual is under extreme stress. Children with complex trauma histories may develop chronic or recurrent physical complaints, such as headaches or stomachaches. Adults with histories of trauma in childhood have been shown to have more chronic physical conditions and problems.

Complexly traumatized youth frequently suffer from body dysregulation, meaning they over-respond or underrespond to sensory stimuli. For example, they may be hypersensitive to sounds, smells, touch or light, or they may suffer from anesthesia and analgesia, in which they are unaware of pain, touch, or internal physical sensations. As a result they may injure themselves without feeling pain, suffer from physical problems without being aware of them, or, the converse – they may  complain of chronic pain in various body areas for which no physical cause can be found.

Traumatic experiences in childhood have been linked to increased medical conditions throughout the individuals’ lives. The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study is a longitudinal study that explores the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma into adulthood. The ACE Study includes over 17,000 participants ranging in age from 19 to 90. Researchers gathered medical histories over time while also collecting data on the subjects’ childhood exposure to abuse, violence, and impaired caregivers.  Results indicated that nearly 64% of participants experienced at least one exposure, and of those, 69% reported two or more incidents of childhood trauma. Results demonstrated the connection between childhood trauma exposure, high-risk behaviors (e.g., smoking, unprotected sex), chronic illness such as heart disease and cancer, and early death."

http://www.nctsn.org/trauma-types/complex-trauma/effects-of-complex-trauma

GI problems, in fact may be second only to depression as the most frequent long term result of child sexual abuse. 

Studies show that as many as 71% of female children and adolescents sexually abused by an adult for more than two years -may later develop GI disorders. These disorders are often manifest through chronic abdominal pain and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) -a chronic condition that involves cramping and constipation alternating with diarrhea. Almost 1/3 of the women with these complaints have been found to be victims of rape or incest.

Child sexual assault survivors are: 

·    2½ times as likely to have pelvic pain and pelvic inflammatory disorder, breast diseases ranging from fibrocystic changes to cancer, and yeast infections;

·     1½ times more bladder infections;

·      More likely to have chronic pain, including backaches and headaches.  

_______________________________________________________

Forrest, M.S., The Relationship of Child Sexual Abuse to Medical Problems in Adulthood. The Healing Woman (Jan. 1994).

Drossman, D.A., et al. Sexual and Physical Abuse and Gastrointestinal Illness: Review and Recommendations. 123(10) Annals of Internal Medicine (Nov. 15, 1995): 782-794.

Leserman J.Sexual abuse history: prevalence, health effects, mediators, and psychological treatment..Psychosom Med. 2005 Nov-Dec;67(6):906-15

 http://www.humanehealthcare.com/Artic

These facts can feel like a big downer.  But knowledge is always POWER! The more you understand about yourself and your body the better you can learn to heal! The more you understand the reasons for things the less shame and blame you may also feel.

Easter Thoughts

I sometimes hesitate to continue to fill this blog with quotes, and talks and videos of hope. I know that sounds kind of silly. All of our brain's neuro-pathways can benefit from that type of blog. But I don't want this blog to just be a bunch of faithful quotes. There are plenty of wonderful bloggers out there already. We also have Mormon.org and LDS.org and the Mormon channel and a multitude of sources from all faiths that we can turn to for faithful and inspiring thoughts (of course don't forget TED talks :)). My purpose in this blog was to make it ok to talk about difficult things too. And yet..... I still find myself drawn too hopeful messages.  I  believe that there is good in this world. That despite the horrendous things that some of you have suffered and that so many in this world suffer from -that there is light and there is goodness and there is hope.

 But I want to make sure that I let you each know that life is not as simple as a faithful quote. I know that there is suffering and there is pain and that we all feel alone sometimes. And I know that despite all that I know of the gospel and its "good news" -that there are times when we feel hopeless and lost and confused. That is part of this life experience. Knowing that it is part of life -doesn't make it easier either. I struggle with making sure that the messages on here remain faithful and yet realistic. That they speak to your real life experiences and yet not be "triggering".  I will continue to find strive to find this balance.

Today I will ere on the side of hopeful thoughts though-how can I not with it being Easter:)


This has been a particularly long winter. In Illinois there are still no leaves on the trees. As I left for church today-Easter Sunday, I did see a few daffodils, though, breaking through the ground reminding me that spring really is here. I felt grateful for the opportunity to reflect on Easter and all that our Savior Jesus Christ has done for us. I am grateful that it is because of him-that we each can be healed spiritually, physically and emotionally.

One of my very favorite talks on Easter and on how we truly are not alone is from Elder Holland.




It is because of what Christ went through -that he can truly be with us in the darkest hours. He can feel what we feel and understand what we experience , becuase he has been there. Elder Bradly Foster said so beautifully this past March,

"With the vantage point of the future, we shall be satisfied with many of the happenings of this life that are so difficult for us to comprehend,” said President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985). He added: “We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that … after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year.”....I testify that the Savior will abide with you in your darkest hour. He is there, and He has declared, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33)."  Elder Bradly Foster, Ensign MAR. 2014

Bear up their Burdens -Elder Bednar

Here are a few excepts from Elder Bednar's beautiful conference talk.

"I have a dear friend who, in the early years of his marriage, was convinced he and his family needed a four-wheel-drive pickup truck. His wife was sure that he did not need but merely wanted the new vehicle. A playful conversation between this husband and wife initiated their consideration of the advantages and disadvantages of such a purchase.

“Sweetheart, we need a four-wheel-drive truck.”

She asked, “Why do you think we need a new truck?”

He answered her question with what he believed was the perfect response: “What if we needed milk for our children in a terrible storm, and the only way I could get to the grocery store was in a pickup?”

His wife replied with a smile, “If we buy a new truck, we will not have money for milk—so why worry about getting to the store in an emergency!”

Over time they continued to counsel together and ultimately decided to acquire the truck. Shortly after taking possession of the new vehicle, my friend wanted to demonstrate the utility of the truck and validate his reasons for wanting to purchase it. So he decided he would cut and haul a supply of firewood for their home. It was in the autumn of the year, and snow already had fallen in the mountains where he intended to find wood. As he drove up the mountainside, the snow gradually became deeper and deeper. My friend recognized the slick road conditions presented a risk, but with great confidence in the new truck, he kept going.

Sadly, my friend went too far along the snowy road. As he steered the truck off of the road at the place he had determined to cut wood, he got stuck. All four of the wheels on the new truck spun in the snow. He readily recognized that he did not know what to do to extricate himself from this dangerous situation. He was embarrassed and worried.

My friend decided, “Well, I will not just sit here.” He climbed out of the vehicle and started cutting wood. He completely filled the back of the truck with the heavy load. And then my friend determined he would try driving out of the snow one more time. As he put the pickup into gear and applied power, he started to inch forward. Slowly the truck moved out of the snow and back onto the road. He finally was free to go home, a happy and humbled man."

___________________________________________________________

Each of us also carries a load. Our individual load is comprised of demands and opportunities, obligations and privileges, afflictions and blessings, and options and constraints. Two guiding questions can be helpful as we periodically and prayerfully assess our load: “Is the load I am carrying producing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ on the strait and narrow path and avoid getting stuck? Is the load I am carrying creating sufficient spiritual traction so I ultimately can return home to Heavenly Father?”

Sometimes we mistakenly may believe that happiness is the absence of a load. But bearing a load is a necessary and essential part of the plan of happiness. Because our individual load needs to generate spiritual traction, we should be careful to not haul around in our lives so many nice but unnecessary things that we are distracted and diverted from the things that truly matter most.

____________________________________________________________

We are not and never need be alone. We can press forward in our daily lives with heavenly help. Through the Savior’s Atonement we can receive capacity and “strength beyond [our] own” (“Lord, I Would Follow Thee,” Hymns, no. 220). As the Lord declared, “Therefore, continue your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold, and lo, I am with you even unto the end” (D&C 100:12).

Consider the example in the Book of Mormon as Amulon persecuted Alma and his people. The voice of the Lord came to these disciples in their afflictions: “Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage” (Mosiah 24:13).

“And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs” (Mosiah 24:14).

"Many of us may assume this scripture is suggesting that a burden suddenly and permanently will be taken away. The next verse, however, describes how the burden was eased.

“And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:15; emphasis added).

The challenges and difficulties were not immediately removed from the people. But Alma and his followers were strengthened, and their increased capacity made the burdens lighter. These good people were empowered through the Atonement to act as agents (see D&C 58:26–29) and impact their circumstances. And “in the strength of the Lord” (Words of Mormon 1:14; Mosiah 9:17; 10:10; Alma 20:4), Alma and his people were directed to safety in the land of Zarahemla."

...The Savior has suffered not just for our sins and iniquities—but also for our physical pains and anguish, our weaknesses and shortcomings, our fears and frustrations, our disappointments and discouragement, our regrets and remorse, our despair and desperation, the injustices and inequities we experience, and the emotional distresses that beset us.

There is no physical pain, no spiritual wound, no anguish of soul or heartache, no infirmity or weakness you or I ever confront in mortality that the Savior did not experience first. In a moment of weakness we may cry out, “No one knows what it is like. No one understands.” But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens. And because of His infinite and eternal sacrifice (seeAlma 34:14), He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy. He can reach out, touch, succor, heal, and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do relying only upon our own power. Indeed, His yoke is easy and His burden is light."

-Elder Bednar, Bear Up Their Burdens, Ensign April 2014 

Easter ---the Consummate Act of Healing.

I have been thinking about Easter today (for obvious reasons) -today is palm Sunday and it is the Easter season. I love how Elder Nelson refers to Easter as the Consummate Act of Healing. What a perfect description. Most often when I think of Easter I think of the resurrection and how I am grateful that because of this I will be able to see my own mother again. I have not as often reflected on all of the conditions that will be made right- because of the Resurrection. 

"The gift of resurrection is the Lord’s consummate act of healing. Thanks to Him, each body will be restored to its proper and perfect frame. Thanks to Him, no condition is hopeless. Thanks to Him, brighter days are ahead, both here and hereafter. Real joy awaits each of us—on the other side of sorrow. I testify that God lives, that Jesus is the Christ—the Master Healer. "-Rusell M. Nelson Oct. 2005 Ensign

I love that --NO condition is hopeless!! (physical, emotional or spiritual) Real joy awaits every single one of us because of all that occurred during the Easter Season. I know this is true. There is hope for a better day! This promise of hope rings throughout our scriptures. Elder Dyches said it beautifully,

"If you feel unclean, unloved, unhappy, unworthy, or unwhole, remember all that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Have faith and patience in the Savior’s timing and purposes for you. “Be not afraid, only believe” (Mark 5:36).

Be assured the Savior still seeks to mend our souls and heal our hearts. He waits at the door and knocks."- Oct 2013 Ensign

I am going to say it again...and I want you to repeat it every time you doubt --

ALL THAT IS UNFAIR  ABOUT LIFE CAN BE MADE RIGHT THROUGH THE ATONEMENT OF JESUS CHRIST

Anorexia, Bulemia and perfectionism

Listen to this very open interview with this brave young woman who shares her experience with anorexia and bulimia.

The Mormon Channel http://www.mormonchannel.org/enduring-it-well/overcoming-anorexia-and-bulimia

She talks about perfectionism and comparison. I loved her version of Mark Twains guote. He said "Comparison is the death of joy." She says "Comparison is the seed to despair" Elder Uchdorf talks about this comparison and how detrimental it is to u--s in my very favorite talk of his called Forget me not.

“I want to tell you something that I hope you will take in the right way: God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.

“Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.

“And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does” (“Forget Me Not,” Ensign)

Another Favorite quote from Elder Holland.
“Brothers and sisters, I testify that no one of us is less treasured or cherished of God than another,” said Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “I testify that He loves each of us—insecurities, anxieties, self-image, and all. He doesn’t measure our talents or our looks; He doesn’t measure our professions or our possessions. He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other. I know that if we will be faithful, there is a perfectly tailored robe of righteousness ready and waiting for everyone, ‘robes … made … white in the blood of the Lamb’ [Revelation 7:14]. May we encourage each other in our effort to win that prize” (“The Other Prodigal,” Apr. 2002 general conference).

Compassion

So I had this experience today that got me thinking a lot about compassion. Thank goodness I was home (and let me tell you that is rare) when Comed (our electricity company) knocked on my door and pushed past me while announcing they were turning off my electricity. I exclaimed why --the shouted as the proceeded to our meter --that I would have to call Comed to find out why -but that they were instructed to turn it off. I called Comed who said it was because we had not paid our Comed bill since October.  I insisted that was not true --as we have it set up for Automatic payment plan. They looked and saw that that was true -but that there had been a mix up and they had not been taking any $ out since October. I asked why they had not alerted us of the problem long before this had happened. They announced that they had called us twice. I asked what number they had called and they gave me some phone # I had never heard of. It all worked out -I made the guy wait even though he kept exclaiming that he "never does that --and that I was lucky".....(treating me like I was low life scum trying to get out of paying bills) ......that "normally he would just leave and I would have to live without electricity until they came back and turned it on." They did not end up turning it off, but I have to say it gave me some insight on how people can be treated....and it is not good. There needs to be more compassion in our world. What if I really had not payed the bills and it was because of some life event like my husband loosing a job. They could have been much kinder.  We never really know what another person is going through!! In this case I was fine and it was a mix up, but I can imagine how humiliated and shamed I could have felt if that was not the case. It made me think of this wonderful video. Take a look.



So what does this have to do with your healing.... a couple of things. It has been found that those who are more compassionate to themselves are also more compassionate with others. So once again compassion starts with yourself.

With compassion we create a caring space that is free of judgment—a place that softens hurt and failure with kindness and caring.Why then is it easier for some to see others through compassionate eyes and yet not do the same for themselves? The answer to that question would take a whole book to explain and I am not going to address it here. But here is my challenge today --Practice compassion, whether it is for yourself or others. It is something that gets better with practice. Now remember compassion is not excusing behavior or allowing people to walk all over you. The definition of compassion is instead "a deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it."

Bobbi Emel in her blog tinybuddha shared 4 myths about self-Compassion.

1. I’m just indulging myself if I’m self-compassionate.

Self-compassion involves your health and well-being. Self-indulgence is about getting anything and everything you want without thoughts of well-being. Self-compassion is about becoming aware of and sitting with your pain. Self-indulgence numbs and denies your pain.

2. I won’t be motivated if I don’t criticize myself.

Somewhere, deep down, you and I might actually believe that we need that inner critic to keep us motivated in life; that without it, we too easily stray outside the lines.
And it’s also possible that the critic evolved to help keep us safe from harm.
But guess what? We don’t need it anymore. Being compassionate with ourselves allows for a much healthier, kinder motivation. As Kristin Neff says, “While the motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear of self-punishment, the motivational power of self-compassion comes from the desire to be healthy, to reduce our suffering.”

3. It’s selfish for me to be compassionate toward myself.

Many people, women especially, are taught to put others ahead of themselves. Self-compassion can seem like the opposite of what you “should” be doing: taking care of others.But how will beating yourself up help you be kinder to others? The source of our compassion will only be more authentic when we are able to show compassion to ourselves first.

4. Self-compassion is for wimps.

Our society tends to reward toughing things out more than it does being kind and nurturing to yourself.But the truth is that the strongest people are also the ones who can buck cultural norms and feel genuine compassion for themselves and their circumstances." 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/

Art Therapy

Research has found that traumatic experiences are encoded in non-verbal imagery and that it is often difficult to verbalize the experiences because traumatic experiences have been found to be encoded in non-verbal imagery pathways of the mind. These images show up in both dreams and artwork.You certainly don't have to be an artist or a good artist to use this form of visual imagery.

From the Pandora Project we can read some quotes from survivors who have found art as a way to process feelings and heal.

"One important aspect of Art Therapy is the creation of a safe space where these traumatic feelings can be processed. Sometimes the verbal skill is lacking to describe traumatic experiences and by creating art, the person can feel more confident ."

"I have never done art therapy, but art is my therapy. Through artwork you can let out what you can't put in words, because sometimes there aren't words adequate of the pain, or it is too hard to put in words."

"Art therapy helped me to be less judgemental[sic]of myself. When I first started, I would hold an oil pastel/pencil/paintbrush over the paper, too afraid to even make the first mark. With the gentle encouragement from my art therapist, "It doesn't matter how it looks; it's the process", I was finally able to let go enough to just let my art happen. Once I did that, I was able to get at some pretty deeply hidden emotions, and I was able to talk about those emotions as well."

"I have been in Art Therapy for 2 years. I came in with no words, the complete innability[sic] to speak or express myself. Art became my voice when I could not speak. If it wasn't for being able to freely express my feelings on paper without judgement- [sic]be it morbid, happy, sad, or angry, I don't think I would be here right now"

"Making art may also help me express feelings I'm not allowed to express otherwise. Sometimes I paint myself and those pictures really show my emotions, my sadness, my fear and my pain.
Most of my pictures are still happy ones. I paint things I like. I do a lot nature pictures. I also make portraits of people I admire, last week I painted Tori Amos, for instance. Making those makes me feel better. "

"Making pictures gives me energy and joy even in the worst times. It also raises my self esteem. Often I may feel that I'm bad and weak but when I look at my pictures I appreciate myself more. I'm not just a victim, I'm also an artist, I have creativity, power and skills beyond my wounds and experiences. My abuser destroyed most of my life but he couldn't destroy my creativity. And I am actually better than him in something."

http://www.pandys.org/articles/PTSDarttherapy.html

One example of using art to heal is the Clothesline project, that was started in 1990 in Cape Cod Ma. The project's purpose was to address the issue of violence against women.

"It is a vehicle for women affected by violence to express their emotions by decorating a shirt. They then hang the shirt on a clothesline to be viewed by others as testimony to the problem of violence against women. With the support of many, it has since spread world-wide."  http://www.clotheslineproject.org

The shirts are color coded to show the form of abuse and whether the victim survived the abuse they experienced.

White represents women who died because of violence;

Yellow or beige represents battered or assaulted women;

Red, pink, and orange are for survivors of rape and sexual assault;

Blue and green t-shirts represent survivors of incest and sexual abuse;

Purple or lavender represents women attacked because of their sexual orientation;
Black is for women attacked for political reasons

Here is another sight dedicated to t-shirts done by men

https://www.flickr.com/photos/malesurvivor/

"The Gospel is not weight, it is wings."

O.k. , now that General Conference is done -we have a whole new slew of wonderful thoughts and quotes to blog from. I could just post one great thought after another, in an effort to help you and I build up those neuro-pathways of positiveness and hope- in our brains. I won't do that, as we all can just go back and re-watch or read it. But, I will share a few thoughts. One of the thoughts that struck me was from Jean Stevens.

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist of things to do; rather, it can live in our hearts. [It] is not weight; it is wings. It carries us.”  

So very true!! I think the same is true for healing. Sometimes, we look at life and healing as a checklist of do's and don'ts , of tasks, and ways we need to change and then we get discouraged when it doesn't appear that we are checking things off that list. I have been heard to say many times that if we feel that the gospel is a burden ---then we are not doing it right. The gospel was never meant to burden or oppress. Instead it was meant to lift us, despite the burdens we may carry. The gospel message is a message of peace, of love and of hope. Take a moment to listen or read again some of the conference talks 

 https://www.lds.org/general-conference

How can it's messages help you through your healing process?

Awareness & Shame

April is Child Abuse & Prevention month.  This is something I have participated in before by running a 5k to create awareness or done a few other things that didn't pinpoint me as a "survivor" just part of a good cause.  It is important this topic receives awareness and is spoken of by those who can speak. 

Even though I blog about the topic and have strong feelings on it I still find it extremely hard to simply wear a blue ribbon around, even if it is discretely displayed on a bag rather than on my shirt.  This is due to shame.  I still carry that deep shame that is not mine. 
 
An article by Peter A. Levine and Maggie Kline describes The Twin Dilemma of Secrecy and Shame 

"The sexual molestation of children has the added shroud of secrecy. Since 85 to 90% of sexual violations and inappropriate "boundary crossings" are by someone they know and trust, the symptoms are layered with the complexity of the repercussions of betrayal. Even if not admonished (or threatened) to keep the assault secret, children of ten do not tell due to embarrassment, shame, and guilt. In their naiveté they mistakenly assume that they are "bad." They carry the shame that belongs to the molester. In addition, children fear punishment and reprisal. They frequently anguish over "betraying" someone who is part of their family or social circle and fantasize what might happen to their perpetrator. This is especially true if it is a family member they are dependent on. If not a family member, the violator is usually someone well known. Neighbors, older children, babysitters, a parent's boyfriend, and other friends of the family or step-family are frequently the offenders. Or it may be someone who has prestige and social status, or serves as a mentor, such as a religious leader, teacher, or athletic coach. How can children know-unless you teach them-that they are not to blame when the perpetrator is usually not only someone known, but someone who may be revered? Parents can pave the way to safety for their children by teaching them to trust and act on their own instincts versus submitting to an older child or adult who is using their status for their own gratification."

It saddens me that I feel so much shame about what I've experienced that I struggle so much just to wear a small simple blue ribbon to support something I feel so strongly about.  This month I will do my best to overcome a part of that shame and stand for what I know to be important even if it is simply wearing a blue ribbon. 

Happy

It always bugs me when people say to me, "Oh come on, just be happy",  "Happiness is a choice and you're not choosing it." I completely understand the challenge it can be to be happy especially with the trials of this live and after experiencing sexual abuse.  Sometimes the effects of the abuse are so overwhelming it is all you can think about.  You are triggered at nearly everything and your emotions are on edge.  BUT what I do want to say is it is still possible to be happy amongst the hell you might be going through or have experienced. 

Sometime I have to mentally check out of my life for a few minutes and do something that typically brings me happiness, even if it is only temporary.  At times I also feel guilty for being happy and ask myself, "How can I be happy after what I've been through?"  Your abuser may have add to those feelings of shame as well. Regardless, I want to give you permission today to take a few minutes and do whatever you can to be happy.  For some of you this may feel nearly impossible, I understand.  Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy.  If you are finding this to be impossible or difficult He will help you as you work on it.

"Heavenly Father desires that we find true, lasting happiness. Our happiness is the design of all the blessings He gives us—gospel teachings, commandments, priesthood ordinances, family relationships, prophets, temples, the beauties of creation, and even the opportunity to experience adversity. His plan for our salvation is often called “the great plan of happiness” (Alma 42:8). He sent His Beloved Son to carry out the Atonement so we can be happy in this life and receive a fulness of joy in the eternities." Happiness

I've had moments were I felt I was completely left alone and my fate in life was to rot away in misery.  I questioned why I wasn't receiving any help from above.  Why was I being left alone? Why wasn't this pain and sorrow being taken from me?  As I struggled with not receiving relief and feeling my Heavenly Father had left me alone and I was being ignored I learned how to find happiness and relief. I remember expressing those feelings to my counselor who then asked, "Why do you think Heavenly Father hasn't given you relief?  You know He is capable of it and have felt it before." In those moments I had to dig even deeper than before and learned vital lessons I wouldn't have if everything was taken care of for me.  Looking back I can say that was what I needed but I still cannot say I am grateful for what I went through. 

Hopefully this song will bring you some happiness today.  I love watching people enjoy life, let go, and dance.  As I see others that are happy and enjoying life it has liberated me to feel like I can do the same.

"Happy"

It might seem crazy what I’m about to say
Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break
I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space
With the air, like I don’t care baby by the way

Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,
Well, give me all you got, and don’t hold it back, yeah,
Well, I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine, yeah,
No offense to you, don’t waste your time
Here’s why

Hey, come on

Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
My level's too high
Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
I said (let me tell you now)
Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
My level's too high
Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
I said

Hey, come on

Bring me down… can’t nothing…
Bring me down… my level's too high…
Bring me down… can’t nothing…
Bring me down, I said (let me tell you now)

Come on