Shame & Child Pornography

The effects of childhood sexual abuse cannot be described in one list.  They are different for each person and situation.  However, it seems there are many underlining principles that are similar between survivors such as shame, guilt, fear, lack of control, and difficulty trusting to list a few. 

I’ve really been struggling with shame lately.  It has been overwhelming at times but I’ve also had many little “successes” with trying to overcome it.  A simple example of trying to overcome it happened this week.  I was meeting with my counselor and talking about this very thing.  She asked me a few questions regarding the abuse or more specifically being the victim of child pornography.  Shame completely overcame me at that moment.  When I felt that way I couldn’t even look at her or make eye contact due to the embarrassment from what I had been through.  I wanted to crawl in a deep hole, hide, and cry my head off.  After taking a few deep breaths, reminding myself that whatever shame I felt was not my own but the abusers, and doing my very best to trust my counselor, I was able to make eye contact once again.  As simple as it was, it was a victory for me.  

I really don’t know how to go about writing regarding this but as I mentioned above not only did I experience childhood sexual abuse but I am also a…victim or survivor…of child pornography.  

Unfortunately my abuser decided to share some of my most horrific experiences with the world through the internet.  This has added to the deep shame I feel regarding myself and the abuse.  It is deeply appalling to me that I have been displayed as a sexual object to the world through the internet.  

Recently I’ve been struggling with triggers relating to this area.  This is not something that is talked about often especially as members of the church.   Child pornography does happen.  It is not right nor is it fair.  It has brought me deep shame that I am struggling to fight through.  This is not something I chose to do.  I pray that one day it will all be made right.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real.  As simple as it was to regain eye contact with someone while talking about being a victim of child pornography, it was only done through the healing power of The Savior.

"Being Busy is not the same as being worthy and being worthy does not require perfection"

Some of you reading this may not be affected at all by the fact that school is about to start again. For those who are in this period of life though -there may be mixed emotions. My husband can be found dancing singing "It is the most wonderful time of year" around this time every year. I dream of how I might in fact be able to keep our house clean for at least a couple of hours- while my kids are at school. The downside though- is we get back on the hamster wheel of life between running kids to their various school, music, church and scout activities. Related to this kind of hectic life (you all have your own kind of hectic lives) is our continued desire to be perfect in all the things we are involved in. To the point that we reach exhaustion. I loved Elder Gong's talk on Perfection and wanted to share a few quotes from it.

"Understanding the Savior’s freely given atoning love can free us from self-imposed, incorrect, and unrealistic expectations of what perfection is. Such understanding allows us to let go of fears that we are imperfect—fears that we make mistakes, fears that we are not good enough, fears that we are a failure compared to others, fears that we are not doing enough to merit His love....
The word perfection, however, is sometimes misunderstood to mean never making a mistake. Perhaps you or someone you know is trying hard to be perfect in this way. Because such perfection always seems out of reach, even our best efforts can leave us anxious, discouraged, or exhausted. We unsuccessfully try to control our circumstances and the people around us. We fret over weaknesses and mistakes. In fact, the harder we try, the further we may feel from the perfection we seek."

For those who feel physically or emotionally exhausted, start getting regular sleep and rest, and make time to eat and relax. Recognize that being busy is not the same as being worthy, and being worthy does not require perfection......For those prone to see their own weaknesses or shortcomings, celebrate with gratitude the things you do well, however large or small.... For those who fear failure and who procrastinate, sometimes by over-preparing, be assured and encouraged that there is no need to withdraw from challenging activities that may bring great growth! Where needed and appropriate, seek spiritual counsel or competent medical attention to help you relax, develop positive ways to think and structure your life, reduce self-defeating behaviors, and experience and express more gratitude." -Becoming Perfect in Christ, Elder Gong, Ensign July 2014

How can you take those moments to heal -to rest -to rejuvenate? Are you making those moments? We all go about it differently. But those moments are essential to your healing and to your emotional health.  Elder Uchtdorf in his talk What Matters Most gives the example of how even God's creations devote seasons to slow down and focus on the basics.

"One of the things we learn from studying the growth of trees is that during seasons when conditions are ideal, trees grow at a normal rate. However, during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival."

"We Know God Loves His Children"

When we first started this blog I worried that "I did not know enough, what if I could not answer people's questions-who was I to write about this topic".  I tend to feel that I don't know enough --there is always more to learn. There is always knew theories and new findings within the profession and I tend to be a "fixer". I learned real quick into my professional career that I had chosen the wrong profession --if I expected to fix people. I wanted to be able to give people tools -see them use the tools and see them go away happily fixed. Life is just not that simple. I learned real quick I had better change my expectations. I have spent the rest of my profession learning that I really am more of a facilitator. There is lots I don't know! But there a few things that I do know. I do know that God loves his children! And I do know that all things will be made right -it may not be in this life but I believe it WILL all be made right. I thought I would share these two talks as they relate to these thoughts.

JOHN HILTON III: Has God Forgotten Me?

I wanted to thank anonymous for her most recent comments. It takes courage to talk about such difficult things. I know that many of you have and will continue to feel as if God has forgotten you. I don't have magic answers. I don't ever want this blog to be "fluff" or to oversimplify healing. This blog is not intended to be one of those "just pray, have faith, read more scriptures, go to the temple" sites. And yet I don't want to forget the truth in some of the messages of hope that come from the gospel. It is definitely a balancing act. Each of you will be what makes this blog come alive as you share what has worked and not worked for you. I see myself as a facilitator -but having not gone through what you each have endured -I believe that I cannot bring the life to this blog that you each can. So thank you for being a part of this blog. I did like this above segment of TOFW and wanted to share. But again I don't pretend to believe that it is ever so simple!!