Banana Pancakes & The Worth of Souls

Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often struggle with self-worth and feeling broken beyond repair. We often hear that we are at greater risk of depression, suicide, low self-esteem and the list goes on but this does not determine our worth.   

“Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God" 

Doc & Cov 18:10

The other day as I was running out the door I grabbed a banana quickly and threw it in my bag to eat later.  I ended up carrying this banana around with me for a few days without eating it.  After returning home from a long day I pulled that sorry looking banana out of my bag and thought, "Ooops, that doesn't look good anymore."  The banana was bruised and scrapped up and then...I accidentally dropped it on the floor. 

My first thought was, "Well, there is no way I'm eating that thing now. Its going to have a major bruise soon and be mushy and gross."  I instantly related to that poor banana sitting on my floor.  As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I've felt bruised, worthless, and of no value after being mistreated.  What was this little banana good for now? BANANA PANCAKES!

This little banana, seemingly worthless to eat after being abused, still held great value and purpose. 

A few great things you can make or do with busied bananas:

Banana Bread

Banana Pancakes

Use as a substitute for sugar in cookies

Roast with chocolate, marshmallow, and granola

Treat insect bites, buises, cuts, and scrapes

Polish leather and silver
Fertilize your plants
Treat damaged hair

Whiten your teeth

I bent down and picked up my bruised banana with purpose and conviction.  Even though I would not eat it plain it was going to bring me great joy when I made banana pancakes in the morning, something that wouldn't taste as good made with an unripe banana. 

I have been wronged and abused however I AM STILL OF WORTH and have gifts, talents, and abilities due to my life experiences.  My bruised banana taught me a very valuable lesson; regardless of how my journey in life has been, I still hold value.  I may not be a banana you want to eat on its own but I can make bread sweeter, heal wounds, and make someones morning bright with a big pile of pancakes!

"God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him. May we ever believe, trust, and align our lives so that we will understand our true eternal worth and potential." (You Matter to Him, Uchtdorf)

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson)

Never Give up.

There will be days when you feel like giving up, you will wonder if you will ever heal, if you will ever stop feeling the effects of your abuse.What makes healing difficult is that it is not a one time thing. You won't just heal and then move on with the rest of your life. There will be seasons of life where you are more effected by the abuse then others, but the power it has on your life WILL lesson, and each time you face its effects -you will have more tools to deal with it. You may find that songs, or scriptures, hymns or pictures, or favorite quotes can be a part of that tool box to strengthen you when you are feeling less powerful. That is why I will continue to try to share some of my favorite quotes. If you have any of the above that have helped you please don't be afraid to share! 

"None of us makes it through this life without problems and challenges—and sometimes tragedies and misfortunes. After all, in large part we are here to learn and grow from such events in our lives. We know that there are times when we will suffer, when we will grieve, and when we will be saddened. However, we are told, “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy...

How might we have joy in our lives, despite all that we may face? Again from the scriptures: “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.” ....I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us."  ( President Monson "Be of Good Cheer" Ensign April 2009)

Feelings

We talked about numbing earlier and the importance of learning how to feel again. I find though that even when survivors are ready to begin allowing themselves to feel-they often cannot find words to express their feelings. They often have a block when it comes to putting their emotions into words.

"Dr. Henry Krystal, a pioneer of trauma science, coined the term, alexithymia. That means lacking a language to express emotion. Professor Krystal observed that traumatized survivors could not convey emotion, even when they could feel it. Other colleagues found brain scans of PTSD patients with reduced blood flow to the speech center. We all know the term, "scared speechless."-Dr. Frank Ochburg 
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/FAQ-Professionals-PTSD-Treatment-for-Emotional-Numbing.html

Some of my clients have found it easier to start expressing feelings through art, pictures, drawing or music. Here are a few pictures I found on the internet --can you find ones that express the way your feeling? See if you can begin to put words to some of the emotions below. (I am not computer savy so I apologize the pictures are not neccessarily put together in a pretty way)

Feelings vs Feeling Numb

Because feelings of abuse are too intense to tolerate, some people learn to feel numb after trauma.  Feeling numb is the absence of feeling and it is used as a coping skill to protect victims from being overrun/overwhelmed by emotion. It is like Novacain. Novocain and numbing are used to protect us from pain.  Although the numbing of novocain wears off and feeling returns, numbing after trauma becomes a way of life. 

Numbing serves a purpose initially by protecting victims from overwhelming emotions, but an important part of healing is to relearn how to feel.

There are some therapist who thought letting it all out --hitting a pillow, screaming at the top of your lungs -was the key to healing. One form of this was called Primal therapy.  It's premise was that healing could come through re-experiencing the incident and fully expressing the pain during therapy.

For over 35+ years, multiple studies have shown that encouraging the expression of anger directly toward another person or indirectly (toward an object) actually increases aggression.

"Primal therapy has not achieved broad acceptance in mainstream psychology. It has been frequently criticized as lacking outcome studies to substantiate its effectiveness. It is regarded as one of the least creditable forms of psychotherapy and has been classified in 2006 ...as "discredited".  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Primal_therapy

So what does help than?  The first and most important step in learning how to feel again is in fact to learn how to identify (or name) the feelings. This may seem easy but usually is not. 

When I counsel people who have been through trauma I find that their "feelings" vocabulary is very limited. Often they can not identify how they are feeling. Learning the simple act of naming a feeling actually makes people feel better.

Adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have a fear of the unknown. When they are able to label their feelings, they are able to move the feeling from the unknown to the known. This makes it less scary and more manageable. When they are able to identify their feelings, they can then begin taking the next step towards solving the problem.

We cannot fix what we have not correctly identified .

      

FEELING WORDS

Positive Accepted Acknowledged Admired Appreciated Approved of Calm, Relaxed Capable, Competent Cared about Caring, Empathetic Clear Comfortable Complimented Confident Connected Encouraged Excited Focused Free Fulfilled Important Included Innocent Inspired Interested Loved, Lovable Motivated Optimistic Patient Proud Respected Responsible Safe Secure Satisfied Strong, Powerful Successful Supported Trusted Understood Valued, Wanted Worthy Validated

Negative Rejected, Judged, Attacked Unacknowledged, Ignored Teased, Mocked Unappreciated, Used, Resented Disapproved of Stressed, Anxious, Nervous, Worried, Tense Incapable, Incompetent Uncared about, Hurt, Abandoned Uncaring, Cold, Detached Confused Uncomfortable, Awkward Criticized Unconfident, Unsure, Scared, Worried Disconnected, Lonely, Isolated, Alone Discouraged Reluctant, Indifferent Distracted, Overwhelmed, Lost Controlled, Pressured, Trapped, Obligated Unfulfilled, Empty, Needy Unimportant, Neglected Excluded, Left out Guilty, Blamed Uninspired, Drained, Discouraged, Defeated Uninterested, Bored Unloved, Unlovable Unmotivated, Lethargic Pessimistic, Hopeless Impatient Ashamed, Guilty, Embarrassed Disrespected, Insulted, Offended Irresponsible Unsafe, Afraid, Vulnerable Insecure, Defensive Unsatisfied Weak, Powerless Unsuccessful, Failful Unsupported Distrusted, Underestimated Misunderstood, Labeled Unvalued, Unwanted Unworthy, Undeserving, Inadequate

http://core.eqi.org/eqe2012d.pdf

Creating Your Personal Council

Recently I have been so overcome with emotions its been hard to write and easy to doubt my abilities in even participating in this blog.  I've had to spend more time on myself than I would prefer to self-sooth, calm down, and work through deep personal struggles.  Sometimes I get exhausted just trying to be ok.  The healing process can be overwhelming at times but as alone as I have felt, I was supported in my trials.

I was talking to a young sister in my ward the other day who struggles with depression.  I asked her about her week and she told me about how difficult it was due to facing some very dark moments.  Asking her how she was able to overcome those moments she responded, "I have a friend that when I feel that way I always call him and he knows EXACTLY what to do for me when I can't get myself out of it.  He has this ability to help me when others can't."

I am slowly and painfully learning that I cannot do this (life, heal, succeed) on my own as much as I would like to.  In the church we often focus on the importance of councils and working together to receive guidance, inspiration, and direction.

"All have stewardships that require large amounts of their time, talent, and energy. But none is left to do it alone. God, the Master Organizer, has inspired a creation of a system of committees and councils. If understood and put to proper use, this system will decrease the burden on all individual leaders and will extend the reach and the impact of their ministry through the combined help of others." (Counseling with our Councils, Ballard) 

Talking to this sister about her week I thought about the importance of creating our own personal council in the path to healing.  There are those in our life that can assist us in the healing process, lift us out of darkness, and be the support that we need in troubling times. 

Creating a council will take effort, time, and training but it is worth it.  Your probably already have a council created but might not have distinguished it as such.  A few of the people that I consider to have in my council: a close friend, counselor, bishop, and the Savior. These are all individuals that do not have to live with me daily.  Spouses, children, and family members can also be great forms of support but it is beneficial to have help from difference sources. Sometimes my council is larger with greater support and other times I struggle to find the support I need without feeling like I am a burden or overwhelming to others. 

"In my experience, lives are blessed when leaders make wise use of committees and councils. They move the work of the Lord forward much faster and farther, like a fine automobile operating at peak efficiency. Committee and council members are unified. Together they experience a much more pleasant trip along the highway of Church service." (Counseling with our Councils, Ballard) 

I truly believe healing from childhood sexual abuse requires us to allow others into our lives and let them positively impact us.  This is hard as we have been taught over and over to not trust and/or be extremely cautious.  Those in our personal councils will make mistakes.  They may say or do something triggering or hurtful but it is important to have patience with ourselves and others in the healing process.  Easier said than done I know.  

As in any council education and training is important.  This can be hard coming from a survivor because often we are learning as we go as well. However it is important to share what you as the survivor are learning about along with your needs, triggers, successes and so forth.  One reason I love this blog is that it provides education for both the survivor and those who are seeking to help and understand childhood sexual abuse.  

 "I have spoken here of heavenly help, of angels dispatched to bless us in time of need. But when we speak of those who are instruments in the hand of God, we are reminded that not all angels are from the other side of the veil. Some of them we walk with and talk with—here, now, every day. Some of them reside in our own neighborhoods. Some of them gave birth to us, and in my case, one of them consented to marry me. Indeed heaven never seems closer than when we see the love of God manifested in the kindness and devotion of people so good and so pure that angelic is the only word that comes to mind." (The Ministry of Angels, Holland)

"May we all believe more readily in, and have more gratitude for, the Lord’s promise as contained in one of President Monson’s favorite scriptures: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, … my Spirit shall be in your [heart], and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” ¹⁴ In the process of praying for those angels to attend us, may we all try to be a little more angelic ourselves—with a kind word, a strong arm, a declaration of faith and “the covenant wherewith [we] have covenanted.” ¹⁵ Perhaps then we can be emissaries sent from God when someone, perhaps a Primary child, is crying, “Darkness … afraid … river … alone.” To this end I pray in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen." (The Ministry of Angels, Holland)