Excerpts from an article by Andrew Vachss on Emotional Abuse and Self Forgiveness

"Of all the many forms of child abuse, emotional abuse may be the cruelest and longest-lasting of all........Emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another.......It is designed to reduce a child's self-concept to the point where the victim considers himself unworthy—unworthy of respect, unworthy of friendship, unworthy of the natural birthright of all children: love and protection."

"Emotional abuse can be verbal or behavioral, active or passive, frequent or occasional. Regardless, it is often as painful as physical assault. And, with rare exceptions, the pain lasts much longer. A parent's love is so important to a child that withholding it can cause a "failure to thrive" condition similar to that of children who have been denied adequate nutrition......... the emotionally abused child inevitably struggles to "explain" the conduct of his abusers—and ends up struggling for survival in a quicksand of self-blame."

"Emotional abuse is both the most pervasive and the least understood form of child maltreatment. Its victims are often dismissed simply because their wounds are not visible. In an era in which fresh disclosures of unspeakable child abuse are everyday fare, the pain and torment of those who experience "only" emotional abuse is often trivialized. We understand and accept that victims of physical or sexual abuse need both time and specialized treatment to heal. But when it comes to emotional abuse, we are more likely to believe the victims will "just get over it" when they become adults.That assumption is dangerously wrong. Emotional abuse scars the heart and damages the soul. Like cancer, it does its most deadly work internally. And, like cancer, it can metastasize if untreated."

"But emotional abuse is unique because it is designed to make the victim feel guilty. Emotional abuse is repetitive and eventually cumulative behavior—very easy to imitate—and some victims later perpetuate the cycle with their own children. Although most victims courageously reject that response, their lives often are marked by a deep, pervasive sadness, a severely damaged self-concept and an inability to truly engage and bond with others."

Emotionally abused children grow up with significantly altered perceptions so that they "see" behaviors—their own and others'—through a filter of distortion. Many emotionally abused children engage in a lifelong drive for the approval (which they translate as "love") of others. So eager are they for love—and so convinced that they don't deserve it—that they are prime candidates for abuse within intimate relationships."

"And the almost-inevitable failure of adult relationships reinforces that sense of unworthiness, compounding the felony, reverberating throughout the victim's life. Emotional abuse conditions the child to expect abuse in later life. Emotional abuse is a time bomb, but its effects are rarely visible, because the emotionally abused tend to implode, turning the anger against themselves. And when someone is outwardly successful in most areas of life, who looks within to see the hidden wounds?

"Emotional abuse threatens to become a national illness. The popularity of nasty, mean-spirited, personal-attack cruelty that passes for "entertainment" is but one example. If society is in the midst of moral and spiritual erosion, a "family" bedrocked on the emotional abuse of its children will not hold the line. And the tide shows no immediate signs of turning."

"If you are a victim of emotional abuse, there can be no self-help until you learn to self-reference. That means developing your own standards, deciding for yourself what "goodness" really is. Adopting the abuser's calculated labels—"You're crazy. You're ungrateful. It didn't happen the way you say"—only continues the cycle.

"Adult survivors of emotional child abuse have only two life-choices: learn to self-reference or remain a victim. When your self-concept has been shredded, when you have been deeply injured and made to feel the injury was all your fault, when you look for approval to those who can not or will not provide it—you play the role assigned to you by your abusers."

It's time to stop playing that role, time to write your own script. Victims of emotional abuse carry the cure in their own hearts and souls. Salvation means learning self-respect, earning the respect of others and making that respect the absolutely irreducible minimum requirement for all intimate relationships. For the emotionally abused child, healing does come down to "forgiveness"—forgiveness of yourself.

How you forgive yourself is as individual as you are. But knowing you deserve to be loved and respected and empowering yourself with a commitment to try is more than half the battle. Much more.

And it is never too soon—or too late—to start.!


From:You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart by Andrew Vachss Parade Magazine, 8/28/94  http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

"A new normal"- an excellent article on Trauma

catapult magazine A new normal

"Love weeps"

Keep Trying

"It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son (daughter) of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins (mistakes, shame) instead of your divine potential. Brothers (sisters), don’t listen to him.

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents.

Now, brethren(sisters), compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him, and, dear brethren (sisters), that should be our eternal goal too. God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time.

I do not believe in a God who would set up rules and commandments only to wait for us to fail so He could punish us. I believe in a Heavenly Father who is loving and caring and who rejoices in our every effort to stand tall and walk toward Him. Even when we stumble, He urges us not to be discouraged—never to give up or flee our allotted field of service—but to take courage, find our faith, and keep trying.

Our Father in Heaven mentors His children and often sends unseen heavenly help to those who desire to follow the Savior."- (Four Titles, PRESIDENT DIETER F. UCHTDORF)

You're Never Alone

             



One of the most profound things you may be experiencing as a result of your abuse is a feeling of isolation. The feeling that no one really knows the "real you", the fear that if they did, they would not want to know you. The fear that if you did reach out to someone, they would not understand. The shame keeps you from reaching out for help.

I am on a Suicide Prevention Board in our town, and at our last meeting one of the psychologists on our team said something so simple, yet I know is so true. She said that one common thing teenagers experience is the feeling that they are the only ones experiencing whatever they are experiencing. For example, they think that no one else is worrying about the zit on their face, or worrying about making the team , or about what other kids are saying about them. They don't realize that all teenagers are feeling insecure and trying to figure out their place in the world. I have noticed that the same is true as adults. I was talking to someone this week about the same idea. She said , "the more I have realized that I have anxiety and am open about it, the more I realize how many other people are actually experiencing the same thing. " We are not alone in the difficulties of our human experience and you are not alone in having experienced abuse. As you begin to open up with those you feel you can trust you will also discover that there are many around you that infact can relate to your experiences and struggles. It takes great courage to move beyond the shame and the fear. But isolating yourself is one sure way to continue the cycle of shame. As you begin to take small steps in opening yourself up to others -remember that you are not alone and that there is one who knows all of you and loves all of you. President Monson said,

"There will be times you will walk a path strewn with thorns and marked by struggle....There may be times when you feel detached — even isolated —from the Giver of every good gift. You worry that you walk alone. Fear replaces faith...........When you find yourself in such circumstances, I plead with you to remember prayer.”

"God’s children were not placed on this earth to walk alone.....What an amazing source of power, of strength and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask. "

“Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek.”  -Ensign Oct 2013