"What Defines You?" -Lizzie Velasquez

Lizzie has says some really great things to say!! What defines you? Does your past abuse define you? As Lizzie says ..you cannot just scrub off your past and its effects....but you ARE the person in the front seat of your car. YOU can decide what defines you . Here is to not letting your abuse or past define you.  As in anything -this is a process. Can you think of ways that you have already used your past as a stepping stone? Write down some things that define who you are.

From Victim to Survivor to Thriver

 

Victim	Survivor	Thriver
Doesn’t deserve nice things or trying for the "good life."	Struggling for reasons & chance to heal	Gratitude for everything in life.
Low self esteem/shame/unworthy	Sees self as wounded & healing	Sees self as an overflowing miracle
Hyper vigilant	Using tools to learn to relax	Gratitude for new life
Alone	Seeking help	Oneness
Feels Selfish	Deserves to seek help	Proud of Healthy Self caring
Damaged	Naming what happened	Was wounded & now healing
Confusion & numbness	Learning to grieve, grieving past aggrieved trauma	Grieving at current losses
Overwhelmed by past	Naming & grieving what happened	Living in the present
Hopeless	Hopeful	Faith in self & life
Uses outer world to hide from self	Stays with emotional pain	Understands that emotional pain will pass & brings new insights
Hides their story	Not afraid to tell their story to safe people.	Beyond telling their story, but always aware they have created their own healing with HP
Believes everyone else is better, stronger, less damaged	Comes out of hiding to hear others & have compassion for them & eventually self	Lives with an open heart for self & others
Often wounded by unsafe others	Learning how to protect self by share, check, share	Protects self from unsafe others
Places own needs last	Learning healthy needs	Places self first realizing that is the only way to function & eventually help others
Creates one drama after another	See patterns	Creates peace
Believes suffering is the human condition	Feeling some relief, knows they need to continue in recovery	Finds joy in peace
Serious all the time	Beginning to laugh	Seeing the humour in life
Uses inappropriate humour, including teasing	Feels associated painful feelings instead	Uses healthy humour
Uncomfortable, numb or angry around toxic people	Increasing awareness of pain & dynamics	Healthy boundaries around toxic people, incl. relatives
Lives in the past	Aware of patterns	Lives in the Now
Angry at religion	Understanding the difference between religion & personal spirituality	Enjoys personal relationship with the God of their understanding
Suspicious of therapists-- projects	Sees therapist as guide during projections	Sees reality as their projection & owns it.
Needs people & chemicals to believe they are all right	Glimpses of self-acceptance & fun without others	Feels authentic & connected, Whole
"Depression"	Movement of feelings	Aliveness

©Barbara Whitfield 2003

"Come Unto Christ -Let him in and he will take away your pain and by his grace be made whole again"

I can't add much more to those beautiful videos. Through his Grace you WILL be made whole again. I know during this healing process you feel fragmanted -and broken into many peices. Remember what Elder Uchtdorf said ,

 "Christ sees us through eternal eyes---we see things through our mortal eyes. "

 When you feel that the healing process is taking way too long or not happening the ways you envisioned-know and trust that you are in is hands and that he is molding you in the ways he knows best.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts."

                   

One of the reasons I continue to post hopeful quotes and mormon messages -goes back to what I said earlier-Filling our hearts and minds with hopeful thoughts can actually change the way our brains work and as a result we become more hopeful.

It sounds so simple ...Aaahhh were it that simple!! It is not always so simple. It takes constant effort and so I hope in some small way I can help in that effort.

I loved how the video above, talked about being transformed by Christ. This transformation sounds so wonderful and yet this transformation does not often happen at the pace we wish. I think most often we don't even recognize the transformation as it is happening. Too often for me the pace is so slow that I think I am even going backwards. I am thinking of the transformations that are the most difficult for each of us. I think we all have what Paul talked about as "thorns in our sides". Things we somehow continue to struggle with all of our lives. We fall -we get back up and we try again and again and yet somehow that one "thorn" just doesn't budge.

I believe we have a very limiting view though. Like this video said -we look at ourselves in yesterday and todays ...the Lord sees us through a total different lense -he sees us through the lense of eternities.  The scriptures tell us ,

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than yours. (Isaiah 55:8-9) 

So if by this 3rd day of the new year you feel that you have already failed at your new years resolution-or if like me you are too fearful to even make them....  Know that just as Elder Uchdtorf said in my last blog -the fact that we are still continuing on this journey of life -means we "will be greater then we were before"

What can you do to find greater hope? 

"Just continuing the journey will make us greater than we were before"

 

So I mentioned in a previous post that I am very anti new years resolution. Too many failed goals led to this. That does not mean that I don't set goals. I tend to set much more doable goals throughout the year along the way. I don't really like looking forward to an entire year or back on an entire year. I like to look at goals on a much smaller scale. Often my goals are not time limited. That said I did like Elder Uchtdor's talk in this months Ensign on setting goals. I especially liked how he recognized that infact we sometimes fall short of the finish line. And yet that does not mean we are a failure. He said-

"Many cultures throughout the world carry on a tradition of making resolutions for the new year. Of course, making resolutions is easy—keeping them is a different thing altogether.

One man who had made a long list of New Year’s resolutions felt pretty good about his progress. He thought to himself, “So far, I’ve stuck to my diet, I haven’t lost my temper, I’ve kept to my budget, and I haven’t once complained about the neighbor’s dog. But today is January 2 and the alarm just went off and it’s time I got out of bed. It’s going to take a miracle to keep my streak going.”

With every new day, a new dawn comes—not only for the earth but also for us. And with a new day comes a new start—a chance to begin again.

But What If We Fail?-Sometimes the thing that holds us back is fear. We might be afraid that we won’t succeed, that we will succeed, that we might be embarrassed, that success might change us, or that it might change the people we love....And so we wait. Or give up.

Another thing we need to remember when it comes to setting goals is this: We almost certainly will fail—at least in the short term. But rather than be discouraged, we can be empowered because this understanding removes the pressure of being perfect right now. It acknowledges from the beginning that at one time or another, we may fall short. Knowing this up front takes away much of the surprise and discouragement of failure.

When we approach our goals this way, failure doesn’t have to limit us. Remember, even if we fail to reach our ultimate, desired destination right away, we will have made progress along the road that will lead to it. And that matters—it means a lot.

Even though we might fall short of our finish line, just continuing the journey will make us greater than we were before." (The Best time to plant a tree , Elder Uchtdorf Ensign Jan 2013)

 



Goal setting can be a positive thing. When we set specific goals and realize them there is a chain reaction in our brain that makes us feel rewarded, happy, motivated and increases our self esteem. But sometimes it can be a negative thing. In fact setting unrealistic goals, or generalized goals can lead to depression.  A new study was released on July 8, 2013 that found that people with depression tend to make more generalized personal goals than people who are not depressed. The new study was conducted by Dr. Joanne Dickson, from the University of Liverpool’s Institute of Psychology, Health and Society. Dickson said, "

"We found that the goals that people with clinical depression listed lacked a specific focus, making it more difficult to achieve them and therefore creating a downward cycle of negative thoughts......Researchers found that while both depressed and nondepressed people generated the same number of goals, people with depression listed goals which were more general and abstract...Breaking a long-term goal down into doable doses that you nibble away at every day is the best way to stay motivated, reduce negativity, combat depression, and (most importantly) to achieve the goal. Goals that are not specific remain ambiguous and are almost impossible to visualize. A goal should have a beginning, a middle, and an end. If you are unable to visualize a goal and consciously realize when the goal is completed by saying “Yes! I did it!” your reward circuitry isn't activited. " http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201307/generalized-goals-linked-depression

So as you look to the year ahead and set goals for your healing make sure they are SMART goals. The SMART theory of goal setting says that goals should be.

S – Specific (or Significant).
M – Measurable (or Meaningful).
A – Attainable (or Action-Oriented).
R – Relevant (or Rewarding).
T – Time-bound (or Trackable).