Disasociation, My Anesthesia

Anesthesia: Traditionally meant the condition of having sensation, including the feeling of pain, blocked or temporarily taken away. ("Anesthesia" Merriam-Webster)

Disassociation: An experience where a person may feel disconnected from himself and/or his surroundings. Disassociation may range from temporarily losing touch with things that are going on around you (like what happens when you daydream) to having no memories for a prolonged period of time and/or feeling as though you are outside of your body.(Matthew Tull, PhD, Dissociation)

I'm numb.

Being numb to the pain is a blessing and a curse.  Being numb saved me from the horrors of past abuse however it also keeps me from feeling and healing.  Disassociation is not something that is taught in a book. To be honest there is so much I don't understand about it, it just happens.  Being able to disassociate protected me emotionally during times of abuse where the pain was too much to handle.  It was a "skill" I learned to protect myself from pain to deep and dark to feel. However, as vital as it was to disassociate from the reality of the abuse it is just as vital to learn how not to dissociate and begin feeling.

Feeling is a difficult word for me.  Sometimes I've felt like the Grinch.  Feeling is literally a painful thing and when I am able to feel even just a small portion of the pain, my reaction is the same as the Grinch...I sob, cry, and look just like him.  Feeling can be an ugly processes but there are great rewards that come once we are able to do so.  As Jennifer has put it, "We cannot heal what we do not feel."

When the Grinch felt, even though he flailed about in pain at first, his heart grew! Its hard to describe how there are great benefits from learning how to feel because it can be so painful.  I shouldn't say, "it can be so painful" but rather, yes, it will be painful and you might feel like you are walking in the gulf of misery alone but the Savior is there with you.  I guarantee it. 

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions‍ in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming‍ of my flesh.  He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.  Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge‍ by visions‍ in the night-time." (2 Nephi 4:20-23)

A few months ago in attempting to overcome a repeated flashback I wrote it down and sent it to my counselor knowing we would talk about it in our next session.  It took all the energy I had to send it due to feeling so much embarrassment and shame from the experience but I was determined not to let the abuse continue to effect my life negatively.  While talking about this flashback I began to feel in a way I never have before.  I did my best to hold it all in until I got back to my car and then I lost it, just like the Grinch.  I sobbed, moaned, wept, and covered my face in shame.  It only lasted 30 seconds but that was long enough for me.  It was a start. 

Even though those feelings were hard to face and feel, just like your muscles hurt while you are in the middle of an intense work out, afterwards I felt a sense of relief.  After letting myself feel something that I have disassociated from in such a long time a deeper level of healing began. 

It is important that when we are able to feel we also take time to care for ourselves.  There will be MUCH more posted on this topic along with tips on self-soothing.

I'm numb.    I'm feeling.