The Tender Mercies of the Lord

"But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

 (1 Nephi 1:20)

"The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ" (The Tender Mercies of the Lord, Bednar)

The healing process from childhood sexual abuse can be a very lonely and scary path.  There are many times I have felt like no one understands nor do they have the ability to handle the heavy weight I bare.  There have been countless times where I've found myself kneeling in prayer, pleading to my Father in Heaven for help, any kind of help, any sense of relief.  Honestly relief hasn't always come but when it hasn't its taught me many lessons. 

There was a period of my life not to long ago where I really began to question the Atonement.  I was in the depths of "healing" being flooded by flashbacks, triggers, going to counseling and my soul was racked with pain and torment.  I felt like regardless of what I was doing pain would overcome me.  I was reading the scriptures and praying daily, attending my church meetings, fulfilling my calling the best I could, attending the temple, receiving priesthood blessings, and everything else you could think of yet still struggled to feel the presence of the Lord and the effects of the Atonement.  

One day while meeting with my counselor, crying, and feeling like a wreck I expressed my frustration, "Why am I not feeling the Spirit? Why am I not being comforted by the Lord as I have been in the past? Why am I being left alone when I'm doing everything I can to have the Spirit and feel Him close?"  I still don't have all the answers but I do know...

"The Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness and obedience enable us to receive these important gifts and, frequently, the Lord’s timing helps us to recognize them."

I'm not sure if it was a test of my endurance, learning how self-sooth and gain more skills, or deepening my need to come closer to the Savior but in the process of feeling so far from the Lord I received the tender mercies and gifts I needed according to the Lords timing.  

It can be difficult during those deep dark moments to see those tender mercies but we are promised "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." (John 14:18) 

"We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord’s tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live." 

There are people that have come into my life, some just for a moment and others for years, that have been those tender mercies.  They often come when I feel I can not carry on any longer.  In those moments it can be hard to recognize those who I call angels sent from above. Sometimes they come in the form of a home or visiting teacher, sometimes a random stranger at the grocery store, the weird guy dancing to music next to you as you are stopped at a red light, a counselor, close friend, Bishop, or customer. 

"When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Ne. 1:20)."

Looking back on my life there have been many times where unexplainable simple tender mercies have occurred that have aided to my personal journey of healing.  The other day the the tender mercy of assurance knowing that Heavenly Father was aware of my needs has given me the strength and desire to face a very difficult experience in my life.  It came through another individual.  

In my morning prayer I asked Heavenly Father for help to heal and move forward in overcoming the effects of abuse knowing I was going to be meeting with my counselor.  Instantly I had images in my mind of a specific event from my past.  It was so vivid and overwhelming it made me nauseous and it was too frightening to bring up on my own during counseling.  It was something I had mentioned to my counselor before but we hadn't talked about it in months.  Heavenly Father truly does have His hand in our lives and understands what we need.  As I sat in front my counselor she began to bring up the very event I had been thinking about all morning.  How did she know to bring it up or even remember what she did? I believe it was a tender mercy of the Lord, aiding me in the path of healing.