More on perfectionism.

 

It is common for some sexual abuse victims to try to find a semblence of control in their lives- through perfectionism. Having experienced total lack of control over their abuse -there is a drive to control their environment. I thought Wendy described it perfectly.

"My lack of self-esteem and a conviction that I was damaged drove me to an overwhelming and impossible quest for perfection.  I felt I had to work longer, push harder and do more just to be on the same level as the so-called normal people. I worked 80- 90 hours a week while raising 6 children , maintaining the perfect weight , keeping the perfect house , and even finding time to volunteer. But nothing was  good enough to remove the shame in my eyes .  Driven by the anxiety  that others would discover how truly flawed I was. Bouts of  depression, fueled by physical exhaustion  set in when I failed to achieve my standards for personal perfection." http://wendiw.hubpages.com/

Now I can attest though that you don't have to been sexually abused to be a perfectionist. There are a variety of reasons some of us grow up this way. I am pasting below some great information on perfectionsim from this website-http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/Perfectionism.pdf 

See if you can relate to any of what is shared. It is a great discussion on what perfectionism looks like and some ways to overcome it and why we should strive to do so.

Examples of perfectionistic feelings:
Perfectionism can make you feel depressed, frustrated, anxious, and even angry,
especially if you constantly criticize yourself for not doing a good enough job after
spending a lot of time and effort on a task.

Examples of perfectionistic thinking:

• Black-and-white thinking (e.g., “Anything less than perfection is a failure”, “If I need help from others, then I am weak”)
• Catastrophic thinking  (e.g., “If I make a mistake in front of my coworkers, I won’tbe able to survive the humiliation”, “I can’t handle having someone being upset with me.”)
• Probability overestimation (e.g., “Although I spent all night preparing for a presentation, I know I won’t do well”, “My boss will think I am lazy if I take acouple of sick days.”)
• Should statements (e.g., “I should never make mistakes”, “I should never come across as nervous or anxious”, “I should always be able to predict problems before they occur.”)

Examples of perfectionistic behaviour:

• Chronic procrastination, difficulty completing tasks, or giving up easily
• Overly cautious and thorough in tasks (e.g., spending 3 hours on a task that takes others 20 minutes to complete)

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions you may have a problem with perfectionism.

• Excessive checking (e.g., spending 30 minutes looking over a brief email to your boss for possible spelling mistakes)
• Constantly trying to improve things by re-doing them (e.g., rewriting a work document several times to make it “perfect”)
• Agonizing over small details
• Making elaborate “to do” lists (e.g., when to get up, brush teeth, shower, etc.)
• Avoiding trying new things and risking making mistakes

Tools to Overcome Perfectionism
 
Tool #1: Changing perfectionistic thinking
 
a) Realistic thinking
 Because adults with perfectionism are often very critical of themselves, one of the
most effective ways to overcome perfectionism is to replace self-critical or perfectionistic thoughts with more realistic and helpful statements. It is a good idea to practise these helpful statements regularly. Even if you do not believe them right away, enough repetition will turn positive realistic thoughts into a habit, and help crowd out the negative self-talk.
 
Some examples of positive realistic statements

• “Nobody is perfect!”
• “All I can do is my best!”
• “Making a mistake does not mean I’m stupid or a failure. It only means that I am like everyone else– human. Everyone makes mistakes."
• “It’s okay not to be pleasant all the time. Everyone has a bad day sometime.”
• “It’s okay if some people don’t like me. No one is liked by everyone!

b) Perspective taking
 Adults with perfectionism also tend to have a hard time seeing things from another person’s point of view. That is, they tend not to think about how others might see a situation. For example, you may believe that you are lazy because you are only able to exercise 1 hour instead of 2 hours every day. Learning to view situations as other people might see them can help you to change some of these unhelpful beliefs. Going back to the “I’m lazy” example,
you can challenge this thought by asking yourself the following questions:

• How might someone else (e.g., a close friend) view this situation.
• Are there other ways to look at this? Maybe not being able to work out 2hours every day is understandable given my busy schedule. Not being able to meet this standard does not mean I am lazy. Most people cannot do it.
• What might I tell a close friend who was having similar thoughts? It is okay to only workout for 1 hour per day or even less. Working out regularly,say 2 to 3 times a week, is good enough!

c) Looking at the big picture
Adults with perfectionism tend to get bogged down in details and spend a lot of time worrying about ”the little things” (e.g., what font to use in an email). One helpful strategy to worry less about details is to ask yourself the following questions:
 
1. Does it really matter?
2. What is the worst that could happen?
3. If the worst does happen, can I survive it?
4. Will this still matter tomorrow? How about next week? Next year?
 
d) Compromising
 This is a particularly helpful tool for dealing with black-and-white thinking. Compromising involves lowering or being more flexible with your very high standards. For example, if you believe that making a mistake during a presentation means that you are stupid. You might try asking yourself, “What level of imperfection am I willing to tolerate?” From there, you can try to come up with some lower and more reasonable standards that you are willing to accept. Because it is quite anxiety provoking when you first start trying to lower your standards, you can do so gradually, in steps. For example, the first step to more reasonable standards in this example might involve spending 3 hours instead of 5 preparing for a
presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out of 5 presentations, or being okay with having fewer than 5 people praise your performance. Once you are comfortable with lowering your standards a bit, lower them some more or for example the next step might involve spending 1 hour preparing for the presentation, allowing yourself to make a mistake during 1 out 2 presentations, or being okay with not knowing what others think of your performance.

Tool #2: Changing perfectionistic behaviours
Having a problem with perfectionism is a lot like having a “phobia” of making mistakes o
being imperfect- you are terrified of making mistakes. Facing fears in a gradual and
consistent manner is the most effective way to overcome phobias, and is called “exposure”. For example, the best way to overcome a dog phobia is to gradually spend time with dogs, to learn that they are not as scary and dangerous as you initially thought. Similarly, overcoming your “phobia” of making mistakes or being imperfect involves doing just that
–gradually and purposely making mistakes and coming across as imperfect. This technique also involves gradually putting yourself into situations that you usually avoid out of a fear that things won’t work out perfectly.
 
Here are some examples to help you brainstorm items for exposure practice:

• Show up for an appointment 15 minutes late
• Leave a visible area in the house a little messy
• Tell people when you are tired (or other feelings that you consider it a weakness to have)
• Wear a piece of clothing that has a visible stain on it
• Purposely allow several uncomfortables silences to occur during lunch with a co-worker

Another helpful hint: Stop yourself from engaging in excessive behaviours designed to prevent imperfection. For example,

• if you tend to repeatedly check written documents for mistakes, stop yourself from checking more than once. Or, spend 30 minutes instead of 2 hours to prepare for a minute presentation.
• Lose your train of thought during a presentation
• Send a letter or e-mail that includes a few mistakes
• Talk at a meeting without first rehearsing what you are going to say 
• Try a new restaurant without first researching how good it is

Repeated and frequent practice! You will need to practise the technique you choose
several times before you start to feel more comfortable with making mistakes. Don’t be
discouraged if your anxiety doesn’t come down right away at first as this is normal and
expected. Keep trying and repeating the exposure as frequently as you can.

More about setting realistic standards:
Are you scared of lowering your standards because you worry that you will let too many of your standards go and make mistakes all the time? Here are some helpful tips to address your worry:

Tip 1:
Remember, lowering your standards DOES NOT mean having no standards. The goal is never to make you become careless in life and perform poorly all the time. Realistic standards are standards that can actually help you to do your best without costing you things that may be important to you, such as family life, physical and ental health, and leisure time. Do you feel ambivalent about lowering your standards? If you are not sure whether you should lower certain standards, it is a good idea to make a list of pros and cons for lowering these standards.What are the costs to holding onto these standards? Keeping the costs in mind can help you to take the brave steps towards changing.

Tip 2:
It is okay to ask for help. Sometimes, it is difficult to know how to lower an unrealistic standard to a more reasonable level. It is a good idea to ask a supportive person who does not have problems with perfectionism to help you with setting new realistic standards
 
Tool #3: Overcoming procrastination
Many adults with perfectionism often cope with their fear of making mistake
by procrastinating. When you set “perfect” standards for yourself, sometimes it might
feel easier to procrastinate carrying out a task rather than spending hours trying to do it!
For example, you might find that your house is usually messy even though you have
very high standards of cleanliness and organization. Or, you might put off writing a
report for work because you are afraid that you won’t be able to complete the task
“perfectly”, or you might be overwhelmed by how much work you have to put into it and
don’t know where to start! However, procrastination is only a temporary solution, and it
tends to make your anxiety worse over time. Here are some ways to help you
overcome procrastination:

• Creating realistic schedules.
• Break down larger tasks into manageable steps. On a chart or calendar, write down the goal or deadline, and work towards it, setting small goals for yourself along the way.
• Don’t forget to reward yourself for reaching each goal.
• It is also helpful to decide in advance how much time you will spend on a task.
• Remember, the goal is to complete the task, not to make it perfect!

Guide to Goal SettingSetting priorities. Perfectionists sometimes have trouble deciding on where the
should devote their energy and effort. Prioritize your tasks by deciding which ar
the most important to accomplish, and which are less important. It is O.K. not to
give 100% on every task!

Reward yourself
It is hard work to face your fears and change old ways of doing things. So, make sure to
always take the time to reward yourself for all the hard work you are doing. It is very
motivating to give yourself a treat once in a while. A reward might include going out fora
nice meal, taking a walk, going out with friends, or just taking some time to relax or
pamper yourself.

Some helpful resources for more information on overcoming perfectionism:

• When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism by M. M.Antony & R. P. Swinson
• Never Good Enough: How to Use Perfectionism to Your Advantage without Letting It Ruin Your Life by M.R. Bascon
• Perfectionism: What’s Bad about Being Too Good? By M. Adderholdt-Elliott