Boundaries

What is a boundary? A  boundary is a line marking a limit. In relationships, boundaries are the physical and emotional limitations we set for ourselves and others. Setting boundaries in your relationships starts with knowing and understanding your personal limits and then firmly standing up for them. Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and an emotionally healthy life and setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill.

Unfortunately, it’s a skill that many don't learn. It is a skill that is especially difficult for survivors of child abuse to learn. As a child- personal boundaries were invaded by someone you trusted and depended on- thus teaching you that you that your own feelings and desires were not of value. Signs of unhealthy boundaries include sharing too much too soon or not expressing our needs at all.

Setting boundaries is for safety-they are not punishments. When you set a boundary you are not trying to be rude or difficult. Instead when done in a respectful manner it is a way to show love and respect for yourself and for others. It is never too late to learn how to set healthy boundaries.

Here are a few tips.

1. Decide what you want. The first step in setting a healthy boundary is identifying what is needed. Name your limit. You cannot set a good boundary if you are not sure where you stand. So identify your physical emotional mental or spiritual limit.  What can you tolerate and accept and what makes you uncomfortable and stressed.  Being atuned to your feelings of resentment or discomfort can help you identify what your limits are.

2. Be firm and direct. After deciding what you want, firmly set the boundary.

• Express what you need or expect from the other person.
• Explain what action you will take if the person does not repect your boundary. (It is important that you remain calm and not justify or apologize for the boundary that you are setting.) Fewer words are usually more effective. Be clear and concise. Remember if you are respectful you are not responsible for the other person’s response. You are only responsible for yourself.

3. Be assertive. It’s not enough to create boundaries; you actually have to follow through. Remember people can not read your mind-it’s important to assertively communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a boundary.

4. Remember it’s a process. You don’t develop unhealthy boundaries overnight, so you won’t develop healthy ones overnight either. It is a process that requires continuous work and willingness to learn and grow. Seek feedback and directions from others who have healthy boundaries.

Why is maintaining boundaries so difficult? There are a varity of reasons; Fear of rejection, confrontation, or abondonment. Or feeling guilty or worried that you will hurt someone's feelings.

Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship though; they’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them. You deserve it and are worth it!!!