Healing Shame

In the early ninety's when I had just finished up graduate school, there seemed to be more and more attention being put on the study of shame. I remember laying on the hard wood floor of my fiance's house while he was working -listening to a PBS documentary on John Bradshaw's work on shame. I took in every word. I had never heard the difference between guilt and shame so clearly defined and I began to realize how shame had played a part in my own life. Kathy Slaughter, LCSW describes 7 differences between the two in a blog . http://www.ihrindy.com/7-differences-between-shame-and-guilt/

1. Shame means “I am wrong.” Guilt means “I did something wrong.” Shame hurts our self-image and our belief that we can change things we don’t like about ourselves or our situation. Guilt is about feeling badly about a mistake.
2. Shame does not lead to positive change; guilt does. When we experience shame, we often will try to ignore or avoid whatever caused the sense of shame. For example, when we feel shame about being overweight, we will avoid the gym or physical activity to avoid the feeling of shame. Guilt is feeling badly about something and can inspire us to act differently in the future.
3. Shame always leads to disconnection from others. Guilt can lead to healing. Confessing our errors allows us to be vulnerable with others, so guilty feelings can prompt us to build a connection through communication or changed behavior. Shame prevents us from feeling strong enough to confess our mistakes, making us defensive when others point them out.
4. Shame is internalized and deeply connected to our sense of who we are. Guilt is often passing. Shame-based comments appear to be accurate statements about our character or lack thereof. Those comments are easily internalized as truth about who we are, haunting us long after the comment was made. Guilt, on the other hand, fades with time or after corrective action is taken.
5. Shame is never healthy or useful. Guilt can be healthy and useful. Often people will make shaming comments with the best of intentions, hoping the comment will inspire someone to change something. As mentioned above, shame has the opposite effect. Guilt, however, is a useful response that helps interpersonal relationships exist. Be careful how you convey negative feedback – it will work better to simply state the harm caused than to shame the other person.
6. Shame is about causing pain for an individual. Guilt is usually associated with accountability. Shame is about making someone feel unworthy, different, or less than the speaker. Shameful comments are meant to hurt. Comments that create guilty feelings are about communicating pain or disappointment, without casting negativity on the person as a whole.
7. Shame underlies a host of psycho-social problems: depression, substance abuse, infidelity, etc. Guilt does not.

There has been even more research recently on how to heal shame through the power of self compassion. We talked in an earlier post about the work of Kristin Neff, PHD . She and others found that shame gets stuck in the neural circuitry of our brain. But, due to what we know about the neural plasticity of the brain—the capacity of our brains to grow new neurons and new synaptic connections—we now know that we can repair old shame memories, with new experiences of self-compassion.

Compassion is a skill. That means that it can be acuired and be improved upon. Beverly Engel LMFT shares an excersize to help improve your self compassion skills.

1. Think of one of your most shaming experiences from childhood. Now think of what you wish someone had said to you right after that experience. What would have been the most helpful and healing for you to hear at that time? Write this statement down on a piece of paper.
2. Imagine that someone you care very much about, someone you admire, is saying those words to you now. Hear those words in your ears. Take those words into your heart. Notice how those words make you feel.
3. Now say those words out loud to yourself. Take a deep breath and really take in those words. How does hearing yourself say those words out loud make you feel?

Our Savior Jesus Christ shows us the perfect example of mercy and compassion. He lifts and empowers us. He never degrades or belittles. He knows us each intimately and through his atonement he makes us pure and whole. Merill Batement said,

"The Savior’s atonement in the garden and on the cross is intimate as well as infinite. Infinite in that it spans the eternities. Intimate in that the Savior felt each person’s pains, sufferings, and sicknesses. Consequently, he knows how to carry our sorrows and relieve our burdens that we might be healed from within, made whole persons, and receive everlasting joy in his kingdom. "

(The Power to Heal Within, Ensign Aprill 1995)