Shame & Child Pornography

The effects of childhood sexual abuse cannot be described in one list.  They are different for each person and situation.  However, it seems there are many underlining principles that are similar between survivors such as shame, guilt, fear, lack of control, and difficulty trusting to list a few. 

I’ve really been struggling with shame lately.  It has been overwhelming at times but I’ve also had many little “successes” with trying to overcome it.  A simple example of trying to overcome it happened this week.  I was meeting with my counselor and talking about this very thing.  She asked me a few questions regarding the abuse or more specifically being the victim of child pornography.  Shame completely overcame me at that moment.  When I felt that way I couldn’t even look at her or make eye contact due to the embarrassment from what I had been through.  I wanted to crawl in a deep hole, hide, and cry my head off.  After taking a few deep breaths, reminding myself that whatever shame I felt was not my own but the abusers, and doing my very best to trust my counselor, I was able to make eye contact once again.  As simple as it was, it was a victory for me.  

I really don’t know how to go about writing regarding this but as I mentioned above not only did I experience childhood sexual abuse but I am also a…victim or survivor…of child pornography.  

Unfortunately my abuser decided to share some of my most horrific experiences with the world through the internet.  This has added to the deep shame I feel regarding myself and the abuse.  It is deeply appalling to me that I have been displayed as a sexual object to the world through the internet.  

Recently I’ve been struggling with triggers relating to this area.  This is not something that is talked about often especially as members of the church.   Child pornography does happen.  It is not right nor is it fair.  It has brought me deep shame that I am struggling to fight through.  This is not something I chose to do.  I pray that one day it will all be made right.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is real.  As simple as it was to regain eye contact with someone while talking about being a victim of child pornography, it was only done through the healing power of The Savior.