Guest Post - Alice Fox: Please Don't Judge Me

We are grateful for Alice and her desire to write as a guest on our blog.  The following post does contain materiel that may be triggering to some.  Thank you Alice for being honest enough to help others. 

"I can hardly believe that I am writing this. It is probably the last the on the earth that I would choose to write. This issues is, as I understand it, rather common. It also is not addressed in what little LDS, or Christian trauma healing writings. My shame is... suffocating. My shame has depth. But, as I have written before, shame come largely from secrecy- and out culture and faith should not place shame on survivors.
   This might be a rather triggering post- so take care of your self please.
      Everything that happened to me as a kid is horrible, but I never hated myself for any of it. I have feared myself, undervalued myself, ignored myself, etc but I have never hated myself as I do now.
    Since my flashback memories a year and a half ago I have not been worthy to go to the temple because of morality issues.  With my bishop and my counselor I am learning that my problems, however, are not so much addictions as coping mechanisms. This doesn't make them okay, but it helps me deal with the real issues.
     Both my counselor and my bishop have told me that it is quite common for survivors of sexual abuse to become hyper sexual; pornography, masturbation, deviancy, promiscuity, and everything else in that realm, are common reactions (the opposite end, hypo sexuality, is common as well as I understand it). This isn't because I am broken or messed up or bad, as much as my brain tries to tell me that. This is simply an extremely unfortunate byproduct of my experiences.
     My bishop explained that these things happen for a few reasons. 1). Our brains are trying to process all the childhood crap, and so sex in some form or another is in our brains much more than a normal human- and bodies..ya know... I can't finish that sentence. 2). Hyper sexuality gives a person an opportunity to try and process and understand so many confusing things that happened when we were kids, and we can process in a grown ups brain the thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 3). It is a way to try and take back control of what was taken from us. 4). It can add current understanding, giving us power. In my brain power equals safety.
    
     I hope this helps some, and I hope you don't judge me. I do that enough. Please be kind to yourself and love yourself as God loves you, with compassion, mercy, and understanding"