Be OK

Sometimes music can speak better to our hearts than any other way.  This song simply describes a few of my feelings or rather pleadings in the healing process of overcoming childhood sexual abuse.

 

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to be ok today.

I often find myself pleading to the Lord to just be OK.  When I am so overcome with emotions and feelings I can't process, when I feel my world crashing in on me, and when it is just too much to handle all I want is to just be ok.  Being ok is not as good as being great but in those moments of despair that's all I want.  Sometimes I've felt like when I'm praying heavenward the only words I can get out are, "Heavenly Father, please help me to just be ok."  I'm not asking to be great, just survive. 

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to feel something today.

In my battle to overcome my anesthesia, disassociation, I need to feel.  Trying to let myself feel is like teaching myself how to breath all over again.  Pain needs to be felt so the wounds can be healed but unfortunately stuffing those emotions and feelings in and disassociating is something that comes so naturally it is hard to fight.  When I feel the pain I can give it to the Savior and receive relief.  So, as much as I don't want to feel the pain, deep down I know it will feel good once I'm able to feel and release it. 

The Spirit often speaks to us through feelings as well.  It has been my experience that it is very difficult to only block out negative feelings without also putting restrictions on others.  In The Guide to the Scriptures it states, "Feel: See also Holy Ghost; To sense the promptings of the Spirit." As we allow ourselves to feel, as scary as it is, we are not only taking steps to heal but are also opening the channel to feel the Spirit in greater abundance.  

Open me up and you will see

I'm a gallery of broken hearts

I'm beyond repair, let me be

And give me back my broken parts

 

As I've mentioned before in my post, How They Grow it is a common for survivors of childhood sexual abuse to feel broken beyond repair.  Not only have you been hurt but you feel that something irreplaceable has been taken from you, something sacred has been stolen and mocked.

"If you have been abused, Satan will strive to convince you that there is no solution. Yet he knows perfectly well that there is. Satan recognizes that healing comes through the unwavering love of Heavenly Father for each of His children. He also understands that the power of healing is inherent in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Therefore, his strategy is to do all possible to separate you from your Father and His Son. Do not let Satan convince you that you are beyond help." (Elder Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse)

I just want to know today, know today, know today

I just want to know something today

Know that maybe I will be ok

In the midst of despair and darkness it can be really hard to know everything will be ok in the end. "Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: “I do know,” he says, “that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.”(Elder Holland, Broken Things to Mend) 

I believe the Savior does support me in my trials but it is important not to forget that He sends His angels to help us know, even when we do not, that if not today but someday we will be ok.  In expressing doubts about my own capabilities to be ok and heal someone told me, "You can lean on my faith in you for a little bit until you can have more faith in yourself. I know that it will all be worth it!! And you are on the right path to healing!" This gave me strength beyond my own and helped me in ways I cannot describe. 

Just give me back my pieces

 And let me hold my broken parts

What can I say about this line?  A lot but I will keep it simple.  Sometimes I just need to curl up in a ball, cry, and hold my broken heart.  I need to not feel like everyone is trying to "fix" me but just comfort myself, accept that my heart is broken and validate my feelings.

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today

I just want to know today, know today, know today

Know that maybe I will be ok

"The beginning of healing requires childlike faith in the unalterable fact that Father in Heaven loves you and has supplied a way to heal. His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ, laid down His life to provide that healing. But there is no magic solution, no simple balm to provide healing, nor is there an easy path to the complete remedy. The cure requires profound faith in Jesus Christ and in His infinite capacity to heal. It is rooted in an understanding of doctrine and a resolute determination to follow it."  (Elder Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse)

Triggers

I wanted to talk about triggers and what they are. We will talk in other blogs about how they are affecting your life and how to cope with them.

So what is a trigger? Some of you may be aware of your own triggers, others of you -may not be, or you may be aware of some of your triggers and not others.

A Trigger is anything that activites memories of your trauma. Triggers can be environmental such as sight, sound or taste, smell or texture or they can be feelings that were present during your abuse such as feeling fearful, feeling overwhelmed or out of controle.

The University of Alberta's Sexual Assualt Center (What is a Trigger?) gave some examples of triggers

Sight

• Often someone who resembles the abuser or who has similar traits or objects (ie. clothing, hair color, distinctive walk).
• Any situation where someone else is being abused (ie. anything from a raised eyebrow and verbal comment to actual physical abuse).
• The object that was used to abuse
• The objects that are associated with or were common in the household where the abuse took place (ie. alcohol, piece of furniture, time of year).
• Any place or situation where the abuse took place (ie. specific locations in a house, holidays, family events, social settings).

Sound

• Anything that sounds like anger (ie. raised voices, arguments, bangs and thumps, something breaking).
• Anything that sounds like pain or fear (ie. crying, whispering, screaming).
• Anything that might have been in the place or situation prior to, during, or after the abuse or reminds her/him of the abuse (ie. sirens, foghorns, music, cricket, chirping, car door closing).
• Anything that resembles sounds that the abuser made (ie. whistling, footsteps, pop of can opening, tone of voice).
• Words of abuse (ie. cursing, labels, put-downs, specific words used).

Smell

• Anything that resembles the smell of the abuser (ie. tobacco, alcohol, drugs, after shave, perfume).
• Any smells that resemble the place or situation where the abuse occurred (ie. food cooking ,wood, odors, alcohol).

Touch

• Anything that resembles the abuse or things that occurred prior to or after the abuse (ie. certain physical touch, someone standing too close, petting an animal, the way someone approaches you).

Taste

• Anything that is related to the abuse, prior to the abuse or after the abuse (ie. certain foods, alcohol, tobacco).

It is our hope that this site be a safe place that brings hope, healing, and knowledge.  It is also our hope that it is not a place that is too triggering. We know that this is a lofty goal and that there is no quarantee that things we or others may say will not trigger memories for you. We entrust each of you as you have the courage to share your own feelings and experiences that you each will ponder on how best to present your thoughts so as to not trigger others. We do see how our efforts not to trigger could lead to a site that is more educational or more fluff. That is not our desire either. We desire it to be a place that is REAL that you will feel understood and that you will relate to and learn from others. A place where you can know that you do not have to suffer alone!

Good Things To Come-More on hope

"Don't give up, boy. (or girl) Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it... You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." -Jeffrey R. Holland, An High Priest of Good Things to Come, October 1999

One step at a time -remember start with where you are -don't compare yourselves to others. Take victory in every step no matter how little you feel it is. I know that ALL WILL BE RIGHT IN THE END. We have that promise and there ARE good things to come!!

Anger

Today I wanted to focus on anger as part of the healing process and as part of an emotionally healthy life. We all know anger plays a large part in hurting, but did you know that it is also vital to healing?

Yes, in fact, anger is essential to healing. We do not need to consider it a "bad emotion".  This is hard for many of my clients to process-especially when they have witnessed the devastation caused by their abusers unmanaged anger. Most of us have been taught our whole life that anger is a bad thing. It says so right in the scriptures--right?!.

The Savior said it himself....

"He that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away” (3 Ne. 11:29–30).

I  do agree. When anger is not managed in healthy ways -it is bad for us and for all those around us. There ARE good things that can result from anger, though.  I am here to say the feeling of Anger is not bad.  Yes I said it. The initial feeling of anger is not something to feel guilty about. It is a normal human emotion. It only becomes bad or good depending on how we respond to it.  It is what we do with that feeling that is either bad or good. I like to think of  the feeling of anger as different than the action of anger. The feeling of anger is a natural response to threats, attacks, injustice or disappointment. It is a basic emotion that we all feel. It is like a red light on a dashboard of a car -it tells you when something is wrong, that you have been hurt, that your needs are not being met or something is wrong and needs your attention.  Anger can motivate us to find solutions to a problem. It can be a great mobilizer for positive action.

If anger is not recognized and dealt with-it will cause damage to our health, our relationships, achievements and mental wellness. Some health conditions have been linked to anger that has not been recognized or managed-such as high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, cancer and some autoimmune diseases. Two of the most common mental illnesses-Anxiety and Depression- are a result of anger turned inward.

The reality is that anger needs to be acknowledged and processed. As a therapist I have seen over and over again that-

We truly cannot heal what we have not allowed ourselves to feel!!

When we are able to acknowledge and accept our feelings-they become energy  to use in attending to our injuries. We can learn how to use the energy that angry emotions generate, for good. We can use that energy to change our circumstances or to motivate ourselves to take better care of ourselves through self nurturing and empowering ourselves. However you choose to use the energy of your anger, you want to make sure it is working to make your life better. We will be talking more about healthy ways of managing and processing anger.

Disasociation, My Anesthesia

Anesthesia: Traditionally meant the condition of having sensation, including the feeling of pain, blocked or temporarily taken away. ("Anesthesia" Merriam-Webster)

Disassociation: An experience where a person may feel disconnected from himself and/or his surroundings. Disassociation may range from temporarily losing touch with things that are going on around you (like what happens when you daydream) to having no memories for a prolonged period of time and/or feeling as though you are outside of your body.(Matthew Tull, PhD, Dissociation)

I'm numb.

Being numb to the pain is a blessing and a curse.  Being numb saved me from the horrors of past abuse however it also keeps me from feeling and healing.  Disassociation is not something that is taught in a book. To be honest there is so much I don't understand about it, it just happens.  Being able to disassociate protected me emotionally during times of abuse where the pain was too much to handle.  It was a "skill" I learned to protect myself from pain to deep and dark to feel. However, as vital as it was to disassociate from the reality of the abuse it is just as vital to learn how not to dissociate and begin feeling.

Feeling is a difficult word for me.  Sometimes I've felt like the Grinch.  Feeling is literally a painful thing and when I am able to feel even just a small portion of the pain, my reaction is the same as the Grinch...I sob, cry, and look just like him.  Feeling can be an ugly processes but there are great rewards that come once we are able to do so.  As Jennifer has put it, "We cannot heal what we do not feel."

When the Grinch felt, even though he flailed about in pain at first, his heart grew! Its hard to describe how there are great benefits from learning how to feel because it can be so painful.  I shouldn't say, "it can be so painful" but rather, yes, it will be painful and you might feel like you are walking in the gulf of misery alone but the Savior is there with you.  I guarantee it. 

"My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions‍ in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming‍ of my flesh.  He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.  Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge‍ by visions‍ in the night-time." (2 Nephi 4:20-23)

A few months ago in attempting to overcome a repeated flashback I wrote it down and sent it to my counselor knowing we would talk about it in our next session.  It took all the energy I had to send it due to feeling so much embarrassment and shame from the experience but I was determined not to let the abuse continue to effect my life negatively.  While talking about this flashback I began to feel in a way I never have before.  I did my best to hold it all in until I got back to my car and then I lost it, just like the Grinch.  I sobbed, moaned, wept, and covered my face in shame.  It only lasted 30 seconds but that was long enough for me.  It was a start. 

Even though those feelings were hard to face and feel, just like your muscles hurt while you are in the middle of an intense work out, afterwards I felt a sense of relief.  After letting myself feel something that I have disassociated from in such a long time a deeper level of healing began. 

It is important that when we are able to feel we also take time to care for ourselves.  There will be MUCH more posted on this topic along with tips on self-soothing.

I'm numb.    I'm feeling.