A Word to the Supporters of Survivors

Friends, family members and spouses are important allies for survivors, but relationships with survivors can be fraught with frusteration and stress and can leave allies feeling unloved and unappreciated. Recently one of our readers noted that we have not written about the stress that comes to those who love the survivor. He is right -there is not a lot of support for you who are supporting the victim. It's hard to watch someone you care about in pain. Supporters can  feel helpless as they watch their loved ones struggle with issues that they may not understand.  During periods of crisis, or when the survivor is incapacitated, there is high levels of stress. Just as survivors can feel alone on their journey- so can their partners. They too can feel as though there is no one to talk to, as if no one understands. It is most important for the supporter to also find ways to feel supported and to care for him/herself.

There are a few websites that adress the needs of "secondary survivors". I quote from http://www.pandys.org/secondarysurvivors.html

"It's very important to maintain your own well-being. You may find yourself feeling alarmed by the intensity of your own feelings. It can be helpful to recognize that it is natural for supporters to experience their own sense of shock, anger and devastation. Acknowledge the impact that this has on your own life, and seek outside support for yourself. Taking care of your needs can make it easier to provide support to others.

Listening to a survivor and truly being present for her/him is the most valuable thing you can do to help in their healing, but it also can be very consuming for you, especially as you sort through the emotions you are being presented with. Make sure that you take time for yourself.... This will help in two ways: you will not become burnt out as a supporter and he/she will not become dependent on you to meet all of her/his healing needs. Taking time for yourself can mean many things. Take a break by going out with friends once in a while. Keep up with your hobbies. If you become overwhelmed, it can really help to immerse yourself in a project. Also, get a good workout in. Not only is exercise one of the healthiest forms of self-care, it is a great way to get your anger out!

You will need time to process your own emotions and may find it helpful to seek professional couseling and support groups for yourself. I have not had a chance to look for support groups for supporters in the area. I will research this and get back to you. Are any of you aware of support groups ? Please share. And please share your own experiences. Your own experiences are really what will make this blog truly alive and of value!! Feel free to email me at jennifer.b.west@gmail.com

We will talk more on this subject for sure- as it is important that partners and friends develop clear boundaries, and look after themselves.