My Gift to the Savior

Heavenly Father has blessed us with the greatest of all gifts, the gift of His son, our Savior.  He can save us from all our woes, pains, and troubles. Every year on Christmas Eve we sits around the Christmas tree and individually write down what we are going to give the Savior that coming year for Christmas.

As I reflected on last year and how I felt during the holiday season  I was overwhelmed to say the least.  Usually I write down at least two or three things that I am going to do as my gift to the Savior, something along the lines of serve more, attend the Temple ___ times a month and so forth.  Last year I simply put, "My gift to the Savior this year is to heal the best I can and keep working on it even when I want to give up."  As I re-read what I wrote I felt humbly pleased with my efforts but know I still have a life time to go.

Working on overcoming childhood sexual abuse is a long and difficult process.  I know I keep saying that but its true.  As much as I want it to be a one time thing and be done with it, it just isn't that way.  Often this year I thought, "I could just live my life the way I have been for the last X amount of years, deal with triggers when they come, not get close to anyone, deal with the freaking out moments, disassociate, be numb, and just coast through."  I also thought, "All of this work isn't doing anything, I'm not getting anywhere, things are only getting worse.  It just isn't worth it.  I can't afford this!"

Over one-third of my income has gone towards therapy, gym memberships, or other things that are directly related to helping me heal and apply the Atonement in this healing process.  I have had to make sacrifice after sacrifice, be surrounded by people who don't understand the importance of what I'm trying to do and why I'm trying to do it, along with really dig deep and face a lot of pain.

How could all of this be a gift to the Savior?  In all reality it is actually just using the greatest of all gifts that has been given to me, the gift of the Atonement.

"That whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life.  For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." 
(John 3:15-17)

As I've worked and struggled on overcoming the devastating effects of abuse I have found I am better able to in turn serve the Lord, feel the love of Christ and His atonement, and be a better disciple of Christ.  That does not mean that while I am in the midst of pain or not progressing in "healing" that I stink at serving and am not a good disciple but rather as I've worked on it, I've learned and grown in new ways.

I've learned better how to empathize with others and that sometimes life is just hard.  I've learned that at times regardless of how much you've prayed with real intent the pain just doesn't go away.  I've learned that even though those around me don't understand I always have a Father in Heaven I can pray to, even if all I say is, "Heavenly Father, help me, please!"  He is listening.  I've felt empowered as I've learned new ways to heal and have felt relief.  I've learned how to be more compassionate to myself, that it's ok that this is extremely hard and its alright to take a time out when needed.  But most of all I've learned more about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and have become more grateful for the greatest of all gifts, our Savior.

This is our second post with this song.  I think you can tell that both of us have felt the Spirit of Christmas from it and it has helped me to re-focus on the true meaning of this great day. Today has been full of triggers and overly intense emotions but I've survived, at least for now.  How grateful I am to know that relief is possible from the tender gift of our Savior.  This isn't the greatest post I've ever put together but I wanted to share with you that working on healing from childhood sexual abuse can truly be a gift to the Savior and to yourself during this special time of year.