"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year"

Oh the holidays, they come ever year with out exception as do the triggers and struggles that accompany them.  I've spent the last few days reading blogs, articles, and books about this topic.  I'm not sure I can really say anything more than what is already available other than my personal side of things.

Christmas is a wonderful time of year, "The MOST wonderful time of year" right?  Then why am I full of feelings I don't understand, constantly being triggered, filled with panic and anxiety, and surrounded by people who just don't understand.  I honestly do love Christmas but not what comes with it.  Every year seems to be full of self blame and hatred.  It frustrates me when I'm trying so hard to feel the spirit of Christmas but instead am filled with everything but that.

Every once and a while I feel the sweet tender feelings of Christmas and when I do I drop to my knees in gratitude. However most of the time I feel like I'm walking around as the family Grinch, angry, mad, flailing about in unknown feelings, and filled with flashbacks.  It makes me mad that I can't just sit down and enjoy the holidays with everyone else but instead I'm fighting to understand triggers, self sooth, and work myself through this hard time.  Its hard not to feel completely broken when its such a struggle to feel and enjoy the Spirit of Christmas and celebrate the birth of the Savior.

Unfortunately those around me really just don't understand what I'm going through at this time of year either.  I frequently hear, "Its Christmas! Be happy!" "Why do you always have to make things difficult" "Why are you like this every year?" "Forget about yourself and serve someone else" "You have so much to be grateful for, why can't you see that?" "Its your choice to feel and be like this". Those along with many other comments are some of the most frustrating things I've ever heard.  In those moments self hatred creeps in and I believe all of this is my fault and I have complete control over my feelings, reactions, and situation but am choosing to yet again be a Grinch.  The lack of understanding makes me mad and its easy to just want to kick someone in the groin after saying something like that.

More than anything I want to feel the love of the Savior this Christmas.  Just because I am struggling with that doesn't mean I am bad, choosing not to, or mentally ill.  My heart is in the right place, my desires are there, and in all reality I am coming closer to the Savior as I battle through these trials and FIGHT to overcome the devastating effects of childhood sexual abuse.

I did not choose this, I do not like it, and so this holiday season I will fight.  I will continue the fight to heal and overcome.  I could easily continue the pattern of disassociating and being numb however that will lead me to no where.  I want to feel the joy of this season and to feel the joy I must FEEL which includes the hurt, pain, sorrow, disappointment, but also the excitement, and most importantly the love of the Savior.  This year I am taking a risk, or at least trying to, to let myself feel whatever feeling that is. Its been hard but I'm still fighting to stay in the present and to provide for myself the love needed to heal.

Knowing I will not come out of this season unscathed and pain free focusing on self soothing and compassion has become more of a priority.  I know I will better be able to feel the tender love of the Savior when I have compassion for myself as the Savior does.
 
One thing I've done is allow myself to take a time out when needed.  With the holidays, people in town or visiting other family and not really having your own space can be hard.  Its ok to go to the bathroom, turn on the water and fan and just cry.  A few years ago I found a 5 gallon bucket in the garage and used it as a stool to retreat to when needed.  I would sit out there even though it was very cold for a few minuets to cry, take a breather, and remind myself that everything would be ok.  Having that 5 gallon bucket to sit on saved my life and got me through the holidays.

As much as I would love to just sit by the fire, look at the lights on the Christmas tree, laugh at my goofy Christmas socks, and feel the Spirit of Christmas that probably wont be happening this year.  But healing will occur...I hope.  It will be a fight, a fight to not beat myself up because Christmas just isn't the most wonderful time of year for me, a fight to feel the good, the bad, and the oh so ugly, and a fight to just be.