Perfectionism

 

A set of self defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high

or unrealistic goals. Sometimes seen as a good trait or necessary for success-it actually

 interferes with success. Studies show that perfectionists are LESS successful

than those who set more realistic goals.

Perfectionists grow up feeling that their value is related to what they accomplish.

Their feelings of self worth come from external things -such as accomplishments

or other’s approval. Perfectionists are sensitive to self and other’s criticism and

think they can avoid it by being perfect.

Irrational beliefs of a perfectionist:

1. It is what you achieve rather than who you are- that is important

2. If I have a set back I just didn’t try hard enough and need to try even harder.

3. All or nothing thinking: “I will never be able to reach my goal the way I want to- so why try?”

The Destructive cycles of perfectionism:

1.You set unreachable goal

2.You hit a roadblock or fail to meet goal

3.You become self critical, blaming, depressed and anxious

4. These feelings lead to reduced productivity or hopelessness

5. You say “I just didn’t try hard enough” and you start the cycle all over again

Negative Consequences of perfectionism:

1. Feelings of FEAR: fear of failure, of making mistakes, of disapproval

2. physical illness

3. low self esteem, guilt, anxiety or depression

4. Obsessive behavior: in an effort to try to maintain order

5. compulsive behavior: food, sex, drugs, alcohol, shopping, in effort to self medicate “not feeling good enough”

6. Lack of motivation

7. Immobilization

Healthy goal setting

1. Set a goal that you want to do -not that you think you “should” do

2. Enjoy the moment/process -don’t just focus on the end result

3. Prioritize: which tasks do you want to give high priority to. Which ones are less important to you

4. Set small sequential goals and when they are reached, set the next small step

5. When you are feeling depressed or anxious ask yourself -

“Have I set too hard of a goal?”

“ What am I afraid of ?”

“What is the worst thing that could happen?”

6. When you make a mistake ask yourself:

“What can I learn from this experience”.

7. Avoid all or nothing thinking

Important Questions

1. What are the negative consequences of perfectionism in my life?

2. What unrealistic expectations do I have?

3. How can I tell that I have made an unrealistic goal?

4. What would be a more realistic goal- or a more realistic way to go about reaching this goal?

5. Think of a recent mistake and list all the things you have learned from it.