Self Soothing vs numbing.

Where is the line between comforting yourself and numbing yourself?

This is such a great question!! and I loved how Jennifer Louden explains the difference. She calls our numbing efforts -Shadow comforts. She says;

“Shadow comforts can take any form. It’s not what you do; it’s why you do it that makes the difference. You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness—a real comfort—or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself—a shadow comfort. You can chat on message boards for half an hour and be energized by community and ready to go back to work, or you can chat on message boards because you’re avoiding talking to your partner about how angry he or she made you last night.”

“It’s not what you do, it’s why you do it” – that’s it! That’s the line."

She continues,

"When you choose shadow comforts or a time monster, you choose less. Less aliveness. Less desire. Less connection. Less creativity. Less of your true life. That’s not true when you choose healthy comfort. Healthy comfort regenerates you, so you feel more alive and more yourself. Yesterday was a stressful day in our house, and when I chose to clean my desk, it was a great way to soothe my jittery self. If I choose to clean my desk right now when I need to write this post, it would be a time monster. It’s not what you do, it’s why you are choosing it and how it makes you feel that defines a shadow comfort and time monster. "

What is the antidote for numbing/Shadow comforts? She says it is Choice.

"Choose whatever you are doing mindfully, fully, and without guilt. Sit down and eat the rice crackers with butter and taste them, savor them...Keep choosing as you do whatever it is you are doing. Keep noticing how it makes you feel. Savor it fully.”   http://jenniferlouden.com/how-to-choose-more/

My husband and I have had this conversation many times. We have talked about how an activity that is meant to self sooth can instead become shaming -merely by the way we chose to think about this activity. I have spent much of our married life trying to help him understand the importance of "me time". Time to self sooth and rejuvinate. I for one have got this down really good. It was not very long into being a mom that I realized that I sunk into a depressive hole if I did not make and take time to be by myself. For me I started taking an hour a night watching mind numbing tv. I had to fight the shame that came with it, becuase if I allowed myself to listen to my inner critic- than it was not a self soothing activity. Instead I just felt guilty and not rejuvinated. In my family I grew up hearing "tv is a waste of time" and so in the early years of motherhood that voice would come as I watched tv --"you are lazy, you should be doing something more productive. Reading is better for you then tv..."As you can imagine allowing those thoughts made it so that time was not very self soothing. Over the years I learned that this hour or so of tv at night -was exactly what I needed. I need time away from everyone (including my husband) to destress and now I feel no guilt when I do this.

I try to explain to my husband that -if you take time to nurture yourself and then feel guilty about it--you have negated the whole process and I think it is better that you had not even done it. So today CHOOSE to self soothe-and don't feel guilty. Today be present and in the moment while you take a moment to self soothe!!