So with it being valentines day I thought I would of course talk about love. But today my focus is again on self love. I have never really liked Valentines day. I think it is a day that leaves the majority of people just feeling bad. Some feel sad and left out becuase they don't have a valentine. Others are feeling dissapointed becuase they have a valentine-but there is not alot of valentinesee feelings going on. Others get the flowers and the chocolates, but feel it is done out of duty. I just think that overall Valentines day is a let down for many.
For any of you who might be feeling let down on this day I want to talk again about the importance of self compassion, self love and caring for self. As I was talking to my husband about the importance of putting self first-he had a question. He asked how can you tell where the line is between self care and selfishness. I thought that was a really good question. Especially in the church where there are a multitude of messages saying to loose yourself in service. I just read one today from Elder Holland who is usually my favorite. He said "True Love blooms when we care more about another person than for ourself. "
I thought alot about this question and my answer is as follows,
We have to start with a foundation of mental, spiritual and physical health. We cannot truly give of ourself if we are not well to begin with. Our needs must come first . Not out of selfishness-but out of the reality that if we are not well- we do not have good things to give. Too often what we think is selflessness is instead codependency. They can look very similar. Codependancy involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Sound's altruistic, right? But in reality the codependent person is fixated on another person to validate their worth and gain aproval from another. Someone who may be codependent will constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed".
The line between codependency and compassion can be fuzzy because the intentions of both appear the same. However, while compassion promotes effective communication and mutual respect, codependency destroys the foundation of healthy relationships.
Here are a few really good questions from Therese Borchard -to ask yourself to determine if you are acting with compassion or codependency.
1. What are your intentions?
The word “compassion” is derived from Latin roots meaning “co-suffering.” Compassion goes beyond the emotion of empathy (ability to feel another’s pain) to actively want to alleviate another’s suffering. The intentions are motivated by love and selflessness. The underlying motive of codependency, on the other hand, is that of self-protection. The codependent person needs to be needed and is pursuing acceptance and safety. In that way, codependent activity — although seemingly charitable — is closer to selfish than selfless.
2. How do you feel, emotionally and physically?
Because codependency is a form of addiction – relationship addiction – it generates the hangover feeling that most addictions leave you with and deteriorates emotional and physical health. Compassion, on the other hand, promotes general health and well-being. In fact, recent studies show that compassion makes us feel good in a variety of ways. It activates pleasure brain circuits, secretes the “bonding” hormone oxytocin, slows down our heart rate, makes us more resilient to stress, and boosts our immune system.
3. Do you value the other person more than yourself?
Both compassion and codependency may involve attending to others’ needs. At times this requires personal sacrifice. However, a compassionate person continues to care for himself in the process; he or she never abandons himself in order to take care of another. A codependent person, on the other hand, discards his or her own needs, replacing them with the needs of the other person. Then he becomes bitter, resentful, and frustrated when there is nothing left for him at the end of the day.
4. Do you feel like you have a choice?
Codependent persons don’t have a choice — or at least they feel as though they don’t — in taking care of another person. There is an exaggerated sense of responsibility, a fear of abandonment by the other person if they don’t pull through. They are not performing free acts of charity as a compassionate person does. They are imprisoned by a sense that something terrible will happen if they don’t attend to another’s needs and do whatever they need to do to enable behavior, even if they acknowledge that it is destructive.
5. Is the relationship healthy?
Compassion strengthens the fibers of a relationship. Acts of selflessness contribute to mutual appreciation, effective communication, trust, and other key ingredients of successful relationships. Codependency, on the other hand, deteriorates the foundation of relationships, causing dependency, jealousy, bitterness, destructive behavior, poor communication, and a host of other problems. Codependency is usually found in relationships that were dysfunctional from the start, where one or both people are involved in destructive and addictive behavior.
6. Do you feel guilty?
Unlike compassion, codependency is associated with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt is often the motivating factor for decisions and behaviors within the relationship, even though they don’t make any logical sense.
Of course the distinction between compassion and codependency isn’t always so clear. It takes alot of self awareness to think about our intentions. Are we taking over someone's responsibilities becuase we want to look good and let people know they can count on us. Are we not saying no when we are ask to do something, becuase we don't want someone to be mad at us or look down on us? Are we doing things out of guilt or becuase we don't feel like we measure up? Are we overextending ourselves as a way too distract ourself from the pain or suffering we are feeling in another area of our lives. Or are we feeling healthy, happy and grateful-and want to share that joy with others. Have we taken time to nourish our spirt , body and emotions. When we do so - I think our natural reaction will be to want to share that joy with others.
So back to my husbands question...how can you tell when you are just being selfish or you are needfully filling your own bucket? You tell me ....what do you think?
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