Forgiving Oneself

We have talked of the importance of self compassion, in healing . Part of that compassion for self is the ability to forgive yourself. I won't even attempt to guess the burden you each carry around or the things that you blame yourself for. Having counselled for many years, I can attest to the fact that almost everyone I have counselled has had regret. That is part of the human experience and part of not being perfect. But the difference between those who can move beyond the regret and those who dwell on it -is very apparent. The inability to forgive ourselves leads to depression. In fact instead of motivating us to be better --it keeps us from reaching our goals.  I know the Lord never intended for us to dwell on our mistakes or things we think we should have done differently. 

I believe that we have to learn to forgive ourselves before we can begin to think about forgiving others. 

"President Howard W. Hunter (1907–95) observed: “It has always struck me as being sad that those among us who would not think of reprimanding our neighbor, much less a total stranger, for mistakes that have been made or weaknesses that might be evident, will nevertheless be cruel and unforgiving to themselves. When the scriptures say to judge righteously, that means with fairness and compassion and charity. That’s how we must judge ourselves. We need to be patient and forgiving of ourselves, just as we must be patient and forgiving of others.” 

Elder Chad Richardson gave a talk on Self Forgiveness. As you read his thoughts below I ask that you use the word -Sin ---loosely. I believe that some of the things you may feel are sins, may not actually be sins. A sin is when we know something is wrong and we willfully do it anyways with a rebellious heart. Often we make mistakes in our lives, due to lack of knowledge, due to lack of maturity, due to lack of understanding, due to many other reasons, and yet we do not fully understand the impact of decisions we may be making. So as you read his thoughts below I would have you think of it in terms of sin OR anything that you have not been able to forgive yourself for. 

"Without doubt, Satan uses this refusal to forgive ourselves as a means of enslaving us by turning past sins into addictions. He tempts some, for example, to believe that if they make themselves suffer enough, they will not return to the sin. This often leads, however, to self-loathing or self-abuse.

Satan tempts others to judge themselves harshly and to believe they don’t deserve to be forgiven, even when the Lord is willing to forgive them. Such individuals continue to dwell on their transgressions and mistakes, remembering the details and thus increasing the danger of repeating them. According to President Boyd K. Packer, Acting President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior.” 

People trapped in this cycle of sin, self-condemnation, and further sin, tend to become discouraged. Satan also uses discouragement to create addictions. A discouraged individual will be tempted to stop trying or to seek solace in more sin. In contrast, the Savior beckons us forward with the promise that we can become free from the chains of sin as we fully repent and forgive ourselves.

Forgetting is part of forgiving. But forgiving oneself involves a special kind of forgetting. We don’t forget the sin and its effects; rather, the memory ceases to be part of how we see ourselves. For example, when Alma had been forgiven of his sins, he said, “I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more” (Alma 36:19). The fact that he could describe his repentance to his son Helaman showed that a memory was still there. But through Christ’s Atonement and forgiveness, that memory lost its edge of guilt and self-recrimination.
We must keep sin in its proper perspective. Satan would convince us that we are defined by our sins

The Savior, in contrast, would have us understand that we have sins that need to be cleansed, but we are much more than those stains. If I spill ketchup on my shirt, I have a stain. Perhaps it is right in front where everyone can see it. But while I have a stain, I am not the stain. I need to recognize that there is a good deal of my shirt that is clean and white. I believe that God sees the white shirt—the goodness in His children—and offers, through Christ, to remove the stains. If we obsess about the stain, however, it will become who we are in our minds and then in our actions.

When we sin or make mistakes, our Heavenly Father wants us to quickly resume our journey home with a new and even stronger grip on the iron rod. The repentance of Alma the Younger illustrates this principle of moving on. A “wicked and an idolatrous man” (Mosiah 27:8), he was brought to a realization of his sins, repented, and experienced a mighty change of heart (see Mosiah 27:11–37). He chose to take the strait and narrow path, filling his mind and his life with good works rather than remaining at the side of the road worrying about his past transgressions. He didn’t have time for that. And neither do we."  (Forgiving Oneself, Elder Chad Richardson)


Take a minute to think about your own internal dialogue. What are you saying to yourself? Write those thoughts down. Is what you're saying fair and true? Imagine you were talking to your own child or someone you love --what would you say to them.....think of new ways to look at these thoughts.  How can you begin to move beyond the shame? and beyond the self incrimination, and begin to use the Saviors atonement so that your "burden may be light". or at least lighter!!