1. Self compassion
2. Patience with yourself and the healing process
3. Taking small steps forward
4. Having faith in god and in the power of the atonement.
We have had many great advances in the mental health field and I know that we will continue to learn more and more about how our brains work and about emotions and healing. I do believe that there is purpose in using professional help through the process--but ultimately it is the combination of professional help and the above list- that leads to healing.
I liked this video as it described a young man and his journey to find healing. I especially liked how he said that ,
"Little by little god gives you as much as you can handle".
It is easy to get impatient with ourselves and the process. But I do know that god knows what we can handle. I also believe that it is not always the end goal -but actually the process of getting there-- that teaches us the most.
Okay, how does one externalize one's shame? Do I wear a sign that says "sexually abused by Father, brother, cousin, dentist and stranger. between the ages of birth and11 years. See the child slut"? I don't understand why one needs to let it out. Also, I have DID and have been in therapy 6 years. How long is little by little? How much patience do I need? Sorry, but I'm getting frustrated when I hear God doesn't give us more then we can handle and be patient in the same sentence. Me
ReplyDeleteYou have some awesome questions... and I don't even pretend to have all the answers. I would love to hear other people's ideas on what it means to externalize one's shame. I don't really know why "letting it out" helps-but I have seen over and over again that it does. There is something about secrecy that adds fire to the flame of Shame. When we give voice to our experiences some how it looses some of the powerful shame. How we give it voice is different for everyone..sometimes it is through journaling, through art, through sharing with our closest confidants or counselors.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely got me on the little by little statement. You have every right to be angry... It makes me want to go back and erase what I said as I can totally see how someone who has endured abuse would hate to hear that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle and be patient" But one of the purposes of this blog IS to get discussion going..so thank you for allowing that to happen with your comments. Obviously I don't have an answer for how long is long enough. I personally think that those of you who have endured such abuse may use the tool of counseling off and on throughout your entire life. Full and complete healing may not come in this life. That is where self compassion comes in-to love yourself flaws and scars and all! Thank you for sharing!
I was just rereading your comment above and I wanted to say that there is no such thing as a "child slut". I want to be careful that we have no triggering words on this blog -on the other hand -the fact that you chose those words-is important. I feel that it speaks so much to the shame you continue to feel. I want to remind you and our readers that there is no such thing. A child is a child and the trauma inflicted on the child is the action of the abuser-it does not change the beautiful and eternal worth of that child!
ReplyDeleteI love your questions and am really grateful you shared them as they are questions I've had myself. In a weird way, its nice knowing I'm not alone with the things I question and am frustrated with.
ReplyDeleteJust like Jennifer said, I don't have all the answers but as a fellow "survivor" I'd like to share my thoughts based on my own experiences.
How does one externalize one's shame?
Jennifer had some good ideas. One thing I've done which has been scary to say the lease is to ask Heavenly Father for help in overcoming my shame and for opportunities to do just that. I had an experience about 5 months ago where a sister in my ward came up to me after I taught the Relief Society lesson on the plan of salvation focusing on overcoming trails. She started to cry, thanked me for the lesson, and mentioned how difficult her life has been due to childhood sexual abuse. At that moment I felt like I had two options 1.) console her but not give any inclination of understanding due to my own experiences or 2.) tell her I completely understand due to similar circumstances. It was MY choice if I was going to share with her regarding my past abuse or not. I was not being forced to open up which I felt added to the power in overcoming my own personal shame. Since this experience not only have I gained a confidant but took a "safe" step in squashing the shame I carry that is really not mine to have.
Right now I'm really working on the whole "shame" thing and am trying to find ways to do so that stretch me but don't kill me. The above conversation didn't happen in front of the entire Relief Society nor did I say anything regarding my past during the lesson. Instead it happened in a one-on-one setting with someone I've known for a while and felt would have the love and understanding I needed as I took a scary step myself in opening up just as she was doing with me. Our conversation was only for a short 10 minutes but I felt in a way it connected us for eternity and both of us took steps together in the healing process.
I don't understand why one needs to let it out.
I was asking myself THE SAME thing yesterday as well! I don't get it either, I really don't but I do know that when I do let it out, and sometime it really hurts to do so, I always feel I took a step in the right direction in healing. Often times I beat myself up after sharing something but its really helped me to take steps in overcoming shame by first doing things that don't involved anyone else such as drawing or posting on blogs anonymously where I know no one knows who I am. I'm not going to lie, even doing "little" things to let out the shame has been hard but I have felt relief and healing occur. I don't understand it but I know it is helping.
How long is little by little? How much patience do I need?
I'm the kind of person that would like to just sit down and eat the elephant all at once, get really sick but be done with it. Unfortunately that's just not how it is with emotionally healing as much as I've tried. I've been off and on with counseling for the last...13 years and have finally come to terms with the fact that I will be working on healing for the rest of my life. But in working on healing/overcoming/surviving or whatever you'd like to call it, it is the fact that you are DOING, working, striving...and that my friend, is what I believe is one of the greatest successes in this life.
I completely understand your frustrations when people say God doesn't give us more than we can handle, especially when I feel like I'm drowning but one thing my counselor always says after I describe how much I feel I'm failing is, "But look, you are still standing!" I often reply with some snotty remark like, "yes, but BARELY" but she is right, I'm still standing even if it is taking everything I have to do so.
Thank you again for your heartfelt comment. It really helped.