Compassion

So I had this experience today that got me thinking a lot about compassion. Thank goodness I was home (and let me tell you that is rare) when Comed (our electricity company) knocked on my door and pushed past me while announcing they were turning off my electricity. I exclaimed why --the shouted as the proceeded to our meter --that I would have to call Comed to find out why -but that they were instructed to turn it off. I called Comed who said it was because we had not paid our Comed bill since October.  I insisted that was not true --as we have it set up for Automatic payment plan. They looked and saw that that was true -but that there had been a mix up and they had not been taking any $ out since October. I asked why they had not alerted us of the problem long before this had happened. They announced that they had called us twice. I asked what number they had called and they gave me some phone # I had never heard of. It all worked out -I made the guy wait even though he kept exclaiming that he "never does that --and that I was lucky".....(treating me like I was low life scum trying to get out of paying bills) ......that "normally he would just leave and I would have to live without electricity until they came back and turned it on." They did not end up turning it off, but I have to say it gave me some insight on how people can be treated....and it is not good. There needs to be more compassion in our world. What if I really had not payed the bills and it was because of some life event like my husband loosing a job. They could have been much kinder.  We never really know what another person is going through!! In this case I was fine and it was a mix up, but I can imagine how humiliated and shamed I could have felt if that was not the case. It made me think of this wonderful video. Take a look.



So what does this have to do with your healing.... a couple of things. It has been found that those who are more compassionate to themselves are also more compassionate with others. So once again compassion starts with yourself.

With compassion we create a caring space that is free of judgment—a place that softens hurt and failure with kindness and caring.Why then is it easier for some to see others through compassionate eyes and yet not do the same for themselves? The answer to that question would take a whole book to explain and I am not going to address it here. But here is my challenge today --Practice compassion, whether it is for yourself or others. It is something that gets better with practice. Now remember compassion is not excusing behavior or allowing people to walk all over you. The definition of compassion is instead "a deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it."

Bobbi Emel in her blog tinybuddha shared 4 myths about self-Compassion.

1. I’m just indulging myself if I’m self-compassionate.

Self-compassion involves your health and well-being. Self-indulgence is about getting anything and everything you want without thoughts of well-being. Self-compassion is about becoming aware of and sitting with your pain. Self-indulgence numbs and denies your pain.

2. I won’t be motivated if I don’t criticize myself.

Somewhere, deep down, you and I might actually believe that we need that inner critic to keep us motivated in life; that without it, we too easily stray outside the lines.
And it’s also possible that the critic evolved to help keep us safe from harm.
But guess what? We don’t need it anymore. Being compassionate with ourselves allows for a much healthier, kinder motivation. As Kristin Neff says, “While the motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear of self-punishment, the motivational power of self-compassion comes from the desire to be healthy, to reduce our suffering.”

3. It’s selfish for me to be compassionate toward myself.

Many people, women especially, are taught to put others ahead of themselves. Self-compassion can seem like the opposite of what you “should” be doing: taking care of others.But how will beating yourself up help you be kinder to others? The source of our compassion will only be more authentic when we are able to show compassion to ourselves first.

4. Self-compassion is for wimps.

Our society tends to reward toughing things out more than it does being kind and nurturing to yourself.But the truth is that the strongest people are also the ones who can buck cultural norms and feel genuine compassion for themselves and their circumstances." 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/

Art Therapy

Research has found that traumatic experiences are encoded in non-verbal imagery and that it is often difficult to verbalize the experiences because traumatic experiences have been found to be encoded in non-verbal imagery pathways of the mind. These images show up in both dreams and artwork.You certainly don't have to be an artist or a good artist to use this form of visual imagery.

From the Pandora Project we can read some quotes from survivors who have found art as a way to process feelings and heal.

"One important aspect of Art Therapy is the creation of a safe space where these traumatic feelings can be processed. Sometimes the verbal skill is lacking to describe traumatic experiences and by creating art, the person can feel more confident ."

"I have never done art therapy, but art is my therapy. Through artwork you can let out what you can't put in words, because sometimes there aren't words adequate of the pain, or it is too hard to put in words."

"Art therapy helped me to be less judgemental[sic]of myself. When I first started, I would hold an oil pastel/pencil/paintbrush over the paper, too afraid to even make the first mark. With the gentle encouragement from my art therapist, "It doesn't matter how it looks; it's the process", I was finally able to let go enough to just let my art happen. Once I did that, I was able to get at some pretty deeply hidden emotions, and I was able to talk about those emotions as well."

"I have been in Art Therapy for 2 years. I came in with no words, the complete innability[sic] to speak or express myself. Art became my voice when I could not speak. If it wasn't for being able to freely express my feelings on paper without judgement- [sic]be it morbid, happy, sad, or angry, I don't think I would be here right now"

"Making art may also help me express feelings I'm not allowed to express otherwise. Sometimes I paint myself and those pictures really show my emotions, my sadness, my fear and my pain.
Most of my pictures are still happy ones. I paint things I like. I do a lot nature pictures. I also make portraits of people I admire, last week I painted Tori Amos, for instance. Making those makes me feel better. "

"Making pictures gives me energy and joy even in the worst times. It also raises my self esteem. Often I may feel that I'm bad and weak but when I look at my pictures I appreciate myself more. I'm not just a victim, I'm also an artist, I have creativity, power and skills beyond my wounds and experiences. My abuser destroyed most of my life but he couldn't destroy my creativity. And I am actually better than him in something."

http://www.pandys.org/articles/PTSDarttherapy.html

One example of using art to heal is the Clothesline project, that was started in 1990 in Cape Cod Ma. The project's purpose was to address the issue of violence against women.

"It is a vehicle for women affected by violence to express their emotions by decorating a shirt. They then hang the shirt on a clothesline to be viewed by others as testimony to the problem of violence against women. With the support of many, it has since spread world-wide."  http://www.clotheslineproject.org

The shirts are color coded to show the form of abuse and whether the victim survived the abuse they experienced.

White represents women who died because of violence;

Yellow or beige represents battered or assaulted women;

Red, pink, and orange are for survivors of rape and sexual assault;

Blue and green t-shirts represent survivors of incest and sexual abuse;

Purple or lavender represents women attacked because of their sexual orientation;
Black is for women attacked for political reasons

Here is another sight dedicated to t-shirts done by men

https://www.flickr.com/photos/malesurvivor/

"The Gospel is not weight, it is wings."

O.k. , now that General Conference is done -we have a whole new slew of wonderful thoughts and quotes to blog from. I could just post one great thought after another, in an effort to help you and I build up those neuro-pathways of positiveness and hope- in our brains. I won't do that, as we all can just go back and re-watch or read it. But, I will share a few thoughts. One of the thoughts that struck me was from Jean Stevens.

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is not a checklist of things to do; rather, it can live in our hearts. [It] is not weight; it is wings. It carries us.”  

So very true!! I think the same is true for healing. Sometimes, we look at life and healing as a checklist of do's and don'ts , of tasks, and ways we need to change and then we get discouraged when it doesn't appear that we are checking things off that list. I have been heard to say many times that if we feel that the gospel is a burden ---then we are not doing it right. The gospel was never meant to burden or oppress. Instead it was meant to lift us, despite the burdens we may carry. The gospel message is a message of peace, of love and of hope. Take a moment to listen or read again some of the conference talks 

 https://www.lds.org/general-conference

How can it's messages help you through your healing process?

Awareness & Shame

April is Child Abuse & Prevention month.  This is something I have participated in before by running a 5k to create awareness or done a few other things that didn't pinpoint me as a "survivor" just part of a good cause.  It is important this topic receives awareness and is spoken of by those who can speak. 

Even though I blog about the topic and have strong feelings on it I still find it extremely hard to simply wear a blue ribbon around, even if it is discretely displayed on a bag rather than on my shirt.  This is due to shame.  I still carry that deep shame that is not mine. 
 
An article by Peter A. Levine and Maggie Kline describes The Twin Dilemma of Secrecy and Shame 

"The sexual molestation of children has the added shroud of secrecy. Since 85 to 90% of sexual violations and inappropriate "boundary crossings" are by someone they know and trust, the symptoms are layered with the complexity of the repercussions of betrayal. Even if not admonished (or threatened) to keep the assault secret, children of ten do not tell due to embarrassment, shame, and guilt. In their naiveté they mistakenly assume that they are "bad." They carry the shame that belongs to the molester. In addition, children fear punishment and reprisal. They frequently anguish over "betraying" someone who is part of their family or social circle and fantasize what might happen to their perpetrator. This is especially true if it is a family member they are dependent on. If not a family member, the violator is usually someone well known. Neighbors, older children, babysitters, a parent's boyfriend, and other friends of the family or step-family are frequently the offenders. Or it may be someone who has prestige and social status, or serves as a mentor, such as a religious leader, teacher, or athletic coach. How can children know-unless you teach them-that they are not to blame when the perpetrator is usually not only someone known, but someone who may be revered? Parents can pave the way to safety for their children by teaching them to trust and act on their own instincts versus submitting to an older child or adult who is using their status for their own gratification."

It saddens me that I feel so much shame about what I've experienced that I struggle so much just to wear a small simple blue ribbon to support something I feel so strongly about.  This month I will do my best to overcome a part of that shame and stand for what I know to be important even if it is simply wearing a blue ribbon. 

Happy

It always bugs me when people say to me, "Oh come on, just be happy",  "Happiness is a choice and you're not choosing it." I completely understand the challenge it can be to be happy especially with the trials of this live and after experiencing sexual abuse.  Sometimes the effects of the abuse are so overwhelming it is all you can think about.  You are triggered at nearly everything and your emotions are on edge.  BUT what I do want to say is it is still possible to be happy amongst the hell you might be going through or have experienced. 

Sometime I have to mentally check out of my life for a few minutes and do something that typically brings me happiness, even if it is only temporary.  At times I also feel guilty for being happy and ask myself, "How can I be happy after what I've been through?"  Your abuser may have add to those feelings of shame as well. Regardless, I want to give you permission today to take a few minutes and do whatever you can to be happy.  For some of you this may feel nearly impossible, I understand.  Our Father in Heaven wants us to be happy.  If you are finding this to be impossible or difficult He will help you as you work on it.

"Heavenly Father desires that we find true, lasting happiness. Our happiness is the design of all the blessings He gives us—gospel teachings, commandments, priesthood ordinances, family relationships, prophets, temples, the beauties of creation, and even the opportunity to experience adversity. His plan for our salvation is often called “the great plan of happiness” (Alma 42:8). He sent His Beloved Son to carry out the Atonement so we can be happy in this life and receive a fulness of joy in the eternities." Happiness

I've had moments were I felt I was completely left alone and my fate in life was to rot away in misery.  I questioned why I wasn't receiving any help from above.  Why was I being left alone? Why wasn't this pain and sorrow being taken from me?  As I struggled with not receiving relief and feeling my Heavenly Father had left me alone and I was being ignored I learned how to find happiness and relief. I remember expressing those feelings to my counselor who then asked, "Why do you think Heavenly Father hasn't given you relief?  You know He is capable of it and have felt it before." In those moments I had to dig even deeper than before and learned vital lessons I wouldn't have if everything was taken care of for me.  Looking back I can say that was what I needed but I still cannot say I am grateful for what I went through. 

Hopefully this song will bring you some happiness today.  I love watching people enjoy life, let go, and dance.  As I see others that are happy and enjoying life it has liberated me to feel like I can do the same.

"Happy"

It might seem crazy what I’m about to say
Sunshine she’s here, you can take a break
I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space
With the air, like I don’t care baby by the way

Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,
Well, give me all you got, and don’t hold it back, yeah,
Well, I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine, yeah,
No offense to you, don’t waste your time
Here’s why

Hey, come on

Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
My level's too high
Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
I said (let me tell you now)
Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
My level's too high
Bring me down
Can't nothing bring me down
I said

Hey, come on

Bring me down… can’t nothing…
Bring me down… my level's too high…
Bring me down… can’t nothing…
Bring me down, I said (let me tell you now)

Come on