Tips for Family and Friends

Thank you to "anonymous" for having the courage to share her experiences. You will be hearing more from her throughout this blog and from other survivors/thrivers. Today I wanted to share some tips for Friends and Families. Much of this is taken from the Pandoras Project website. http://www.pandorasproject.org/index.html from an article titled "Tips for Friends and Family of Survivors." 2006

What to say to a sexual abuse survivor:

• I'm sorry this happened to you    * It wasn't your fault    *Thank you for telling me     * I'm always here if you want to talk     * Can I do anything for you?

What NEVER to say to a survivor:

• It was your fault    * You could have avoided it had you ____________.     *It's been so long! Get over it!      *You wanted it    *It's not that big of a deal; it happens to lots of people      * I don't believe you. (that's the very worst thing to say)

What survivors want you to know:

• We often take a lot of responsibility for the abuse. Telling us it is not our fault may help to lessen the guilt of shame, but it can't take it away. 
•  We deal with a lot of shame. Please don't shame a survivor. It is the pattern we are trying to break.
• The healing process for a survivor may take years. We may be in and out of therapy several times. New memories may surface, and new experiences may trigger us.
• People who are survivors are often caretakers. It is a survival technique. It takes a long time to unlearn that behavior.
• Survivors often resent being judged. We have judged and punished ourselves for years. We are usually harder on ourselves that anyone else can be.
• People who are survivors don't want your pity.
• Don't try to excuse the abuser's behavior.
• Don't categorize survivors. Each case of abuse, although it may be similar, is a unique case. We don't all follow the same pattern of healing or behavior.
• Not all survivors have clear images of the abuse or assault. We may need to deal with that lack of memories on a regular basis.
• Even if we are safe now, we still may be fearful of our attacker or abuser. * Talking about it means "breaking the secret." Many of us are faced with the terror "breaking the secret" every time we talk about the abuse.

I would like to make a list of our own with some additional feedback to other church members or church leaders. What would you have them know!! I hope you will take a moment to post!