Believe Yourself

Life has been going really well the last few weeks.  Its been an adventure for sure and I've been learning a lot about healing.  Recently I went through this process of...I'm not even sure what to call it.  There has always been a part of me that has doubted if the sexual abuse I was put through as a child really happened.  Often times studying childhood sexual abuse the topic of "false memories" will come up.  "In psychology, false memory refers to the recollection of an event, or the details of an event, that did not occur."  This has been something that has greatly troubled me and I've questioned did the abuse really happen to me, did I make it up, if I did what does that mean about me?!

Doubting myself and my memory has hindered my progression to heal but it has also saved me from feeling a lot of deep pain.

 

While attending a fireside about missionary work the Spirit hit me deeply and I realized the truth of what was being taught.  Something so simple had such a profound impact on me.  Just as investigators can pray and receive an answer to know for themselves if the church is true, I too can pray and ask my Father in Heaven if I some how made the abuse up, had false memories, or if it was all true.  I know in doing so I was also setting myself up for the pain that came with a confirmation that in fact, it really was true.

This revelation came softly while still striking me in the heart.  I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father could help me overcome this self doubt which was hindering my progression to heal.  If He loved other people so much to bless them, through the spirit, with feelings and knowledge of truth then He could do the very same for me even though it wasn't about a gospel topic.  The Holy Ghost is also referred to the Spirit of Truth.  Truth is truth.  Receiving light, knowledge, and truth is not merely limited to only spiritual things.

"He “witnesses of the Father and the Son” (2 Nephi 31:18) and reveals and teaches “the truth of all things” (Moroni 10:5). You can receive a sure testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ only by the power of the Holy Ghost. His communication to your spirit carries far more certainty than any communication you can receive through your natural senses." (True to the Faith, Holy Ghost)

It still frightens me to have a confirmation that such painful things really did happen to me and that someone who is suppose to love and care for me could do such horrible things.  Sometimes its easier to just think that those things are so horrible I had to have made them up however, that does not lead to healing.  Like we've said before, "You can't heal what you don't feel" and may I add believe.  

As I prayed and humbly asked Heavenly Father if my memories were real, if the abuse really happened, and if what I have claimed to be true for years was just that, true, tears ran down my face.  I did not have a grand "YES!" rather it was a soft subtle feeling that I already knew the answer deep down inside.