Healing

We talk about healing alot in this blog. Healing is what you are all seeking. It is hard sometimes to pinpoint exactly what healing looks like. But I think that Dr. Matsakis does a good job of giving us an idea. She divides the healing process into three stages.

1. Remembering the trauma
2. Feeling the feelings associated with the trauma
3. The empowerment or mastery stage

That said -Healing is not so simple. It is a nonlinear Process. There will be setbacks. Like anything that takes great effort-you may take 3 steps forward and then two steps back. The key, like Elder Uchdtorf said in my previous blog, is that you are still on the jouney! Sometimes you my feel like you are going backwards in the healing process becuase in fact you need to. Maybe it is your spirit saying that you have taken too much on for right now. You may need to retreat for a moment. As Franklin D. Roosevelt said "when you come to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on." I say hang on, regroup-self sooth and then move forward again with renewed energy. 

Often it is hard to tell how far you have come. You will not have to be in therapy forever, but Dr. Matsakis suggests some areas you will need to progress in.

1. You've obtained a clearer more rational picture of the trauma- then when you began the healing process
2. You have spent time grieving, raging or experiencing other feelings associated with the trauma.
3. You have aquired some skills and attitudes that help you take back control of your life, as much as possible and practicle.
4. You have begun to forgive yourself for the behavior during the traumatic event about which you feel guilt or shame (rational or irrational)
5. You have mastered some effective stress-reduction skills so you can function better in your day to day life.  (I Can't Get Over It, A Handbook for Trauma Survivors 2nd Edition)

You will never be perfect in these areas, but I think they are a good way to measure your progress.

There is not a quick solution when it comes to healing from trauma. And there will be times when you will just need to hang on. Sometimes it is about the journey not just the destination!

Elder D. Todd Christofferson explained what he learned from a personal trial: “

"Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. … I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.”25. D. Todd Christofferson, “Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread” (Church Educational System fireside, Jan. 9, 2011), lds.org/broadcasts.

Now note he did not say he was grateful for the trial:) But for the process.

                 

Why do I act this way?-Triggers

"Due to the way traumatic memories are stored, when something arises in the present that reminds you of a past event, you may feel the feelings associated with the past event." -Aphrodite Matsakis, PHD)

These present day feelings are called triggers because they trigger the emotions that are associated to the trauma. In the present, your brain does not know the difference between a real threat and a threat that is stored in your mind. So when the adrenals are set off by a trigger that reminds you of your trauma you may feel as threatened, angry,confused, or bereaved as you did during your original trauma. This can result in nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, rage and other PTSD symptoms.

Your recaction to triggers may provoke negative reactions in others. It is important to remind yourself that you are entitled to your response. Despite what others think, your response is logical and rational considering the way the human brain works. Although these reactions are understable, they come at a cost. The decisions you make becuase of these reactions may even result in more pain and anger. So it IS important to learn to identify your triggers and learn to cope with them. I wanted to talk about the first step of Identifing your triggers.

Dr. Matsakis suggests doing a Trigger Chart. On a paper Lable the heading Trigger Chart, then draw three columns beneath it. Label the first column Trigger, The second column My Reaction, and the third Traumatic Memory. In that first column list the times that you feel the fight or flight feeling where you shut down or go numb. (This can be smells, sights, sounds, people, or objects that remind you of the trauma) In the second column write down your reactions (anger, rage, depression, shame, self hatred, suicidal or homicidal thoughts, isolatingyourself, overworking, craving, food alcohol or drugs, increased flahsbacks, increased pain such as headaches, backaches, increased chronic medical condition problems or others you can think of. In the third column trace your reaction to an original traumatic event.  Consider sharing this with a trusted friend or family member who might could help you identify more triggers.

All of these ideas come from a book I would recommend called.  I Can't Get Over It-A Handbook for Trauma Survivors.

Perfectionism

 

A set of self defeating thoughts and behaviors aimed at reaching excessively high

or unrealistic goals. Sometimes seen as a good trait or necessary for success-it actually

 interferes with success. Studies show that perfectionists are LESS successful

than those who set more realistic goals.

Perfectionists grow up feeling that their value is related to what they accomplish.

Their feelings of self worth come from external things -such as accomplishments

or other’s approval. Perfectionists are sensitive to self and other’s criticism and

think they can avoid it by being perfect.

Irrational beliefs of a perfectionist:

1. It is what you achieve rather than who you are- that is important

2. If I have a set back I just didn’t try hard enough and need to try even harder.

3. All or nothing thinking: “I will never be able to reach my goal the way I want to- so why try?”

The Destructive cycles of perfectionism:

1.You set unreachable goal

2.You hit a roadblock or fail to meet goal

3.You become self critical, blaming, depressed and anxious

4. These feelings lead to reduced productivity or hopelessness

5. You say “I just didn’t try hard enough” and you start the cycle all over again

Negative Consequences of perfectionism:

1. Feelings of FEAR: fear of failure, of making mistakes, of disapproval

2. physical illness

3. low self esteem, guilt, anxiety or depression

4. Obsessive behavior: in an effort to try to maintain order

5. compulsive behavior: food, sex, drugs, alcohol, shopping, in effort to self medicate “not feeling good enough”

6. Lack of motivation

7. Immobilization

Healthy goal setting

1. Set a goal that you want to do -not that you think you “should” do

2. Enjoy the moment/process -don’t just focus on the end result

3. Prioritize: which tasks do you want to give high priority to. Which ones are less important to you

4. Set small sequential goals and when they are reached, set the next small step

5. When you are feeling depressed or anxious ask yourself -

“Have I set too hard of a goal?”

“ What am I afraid of ?”

“What is the worst thing that could happen?”

6. When you make a mistake ask yourself:

“What can I learn from this experience”.

7. Avoid all or nothing thinking

Important Questions

1. What are the negative consequences of perfectionism in my life?

2. What unrealistic expectations do I have?

3. How can I tell that I have made an unrealistic goal?

4. What would be a more realistic goal- or a more realistic way to go about reaching this goal?

5. Think of a recent mistake and list all the things you have learned from it.



"Abide with me."

 

 Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
 the darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide.
 When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
 Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

 

 Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;
 earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;
 change and decay in all around I see;
 O thou who changest not, abide with me.

 

 I need thy presence every passing hour.
 What but thy grace can foil the tempter's power?
 Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
 Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

 

 I fear no foe, with thee at hand to bless;
 ills have no weight, and tears not bitterness.
 Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
 I triumph still, if thou abide with me.

 Hold thou thy cross before my closing eyes;
 shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.
 Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;
 in life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

If the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior’s healing power in your own life.

I am going to repeat that!!! ...

"If the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain -set that step aside for now until you have more experience with the Savior's healing power in your life!" (Richard G. Scott, To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse, Ensign April 2008)

Healing and forgiveness is a process. Elder Faust said,  

"Forgiveness is not always instantaneous... When innocent children have been molested or killed, most of us do not think first about forgiveness. Our natural response is anger....Most of us need time to work through pain and loss." (The Healing Power of Forgiveness, Ensign May 2007)

I have not been ready to tackle this topic as I don't feel very forgiving of my client's abusers. But I thought I would atleast start a discussion about it.

What Forgiveness is?  

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” (Dr. Sidney  Simon and Suzanne Simon, Forgiveness: How to Make Pease with your past and Get on with Your Life)

What forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness does not require condoning a wrong, nor does it require allowing a harmful behavior, such as an abusive relationship, to continue. Also, forgiveness is not forgetting—if the offense wounded you enough to require forgiveness, you will likely have a memory of it. As author Lewis B. Smedes explained, “Forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

I liked Vicki's definition.

"First of all, we need to understand exactly what is involved in forgiveness; what it is and what it is not. So many times we think of forgiving someone as letting them off the hook and allowing an abuser to go free without any responsibility for the cruel acts that have been committed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Whenever possible, anyone who has abused another person in any form, should be held accountable and should pay the penalty that is meted out in a court of law. However, so many times in cases of childhood sexual abuse, the statute of limitations has run out long before survivors can pursue the penalties within the courts. This does not mean that the abuser gets away with anything. There will be a day of reckoning for every abuser as he stands before God, Who is always just and righteous. Forgiveness is really more about the survivor than it is about the abuser. Forgiveness is a way to release the hold that the abuser has on our life. As long as we remain in a state of unforgiveness, we are joined to our abuser. We hold on to our anger in an attempt to make the abuser pay for his deeds, and in so doing, we remain bound to our abuser. Remaining in a state of unforgiveness prevents us from moving forward in life.- Vicki D. Messer, Yahoo Contributor Network Jan 31, 2012

I really like the book The Hiding Place. In it, we hear of Corrie ten Boom and her family's experiences in the nazi contentration camps. After the war she continued to speak publically of her experiences, of her healing and of forgiveness.

On one occasion a former Nazi guard who had been part of Corrie’s own confinement in Ravensbrück, Germany, approached her, rejoicing at her message of Christ’s forgiveness and love.

"'How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein,’ he said. ‘To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!’

“His hand was thrust out to shake mine,” Corrie recalled. “And I, who had preached so often … the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.

“Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. … Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.

“I tried to smile, [and] I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your forgiveness.

“As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.

“And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.”

It is not our forgiveness -It is his. When he gives a command he provides the ability to do it -in his timing and in his way. Please do not berate yourself if you are not ready for this step.  Instead focus on getting more experience with the Savior's healing power in your life.