Verbal and Emotional Abuse

And the opposite is also true.... Hurtful words to can be easy to speak but their echoes are also endless!! 

I have been thinking about the importance of discussing emotional and verbal abuse. I think these two kinds of abuse are too often overlooked or excused because they are less visible and harder to pinpoint. Sometimes they are even considered acceptable and normal behavior in our society. 

It may be easier to pinpoint the effects that childhood sexual or physical abuse had on you, then to see how emotional and verbal abuse has also harmed you. As an adult you may have learned how to protect yourself from being harmed physically, but yet still are allowing people to verbally and emotionally abuse you. Emotional abuse can have as devastating consequences to your physical and mental health. Although difficult to pinpoint sometimes, there are some common characteristics such as;

• Using economic power to control you
• Threatening to leave
• Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
• Smashing things
• Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
• Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
• Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
• Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
• Humiliating you in private or public
• Withholding affection as punishment

http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/

A 1995 booklet published by the LDS Church called Responding to Abuse: Helps for Ecclesiastical Leaders- gives examples of verbal and emotional abuse.

• Name Calling. Words such as idiot or jerk, sarcastic or exaggerated use of terms of endearment, unflattering nicknames, and insulting labels.
• Demeaning or Sarcastic Statements:Put-down humor.  With a quick wit some find ways to embarrass and humiliate 
• Faultfinding/Criticism 
• Intimidation: some may use threats to intimidate another into doing things their own way. This may include venting anger in harsh words, shouting, stomping around the house, and throwing or breaking things. Less-noisy forms of signaling discontent, ill will, or censure—from snapping at others to displaying angry looks and other signs of belligerence—can also be intimidating and thus constitute abuse.
• Isolation. Some seek to limit another's interactions either with them or with the outside world. Subtle manifestations of this include withholding affection, withholding information, or refusing to problem solve together, setting inapropriate rules such as controlling telephone calls, disallowing certain people in the house or limiting or forbidding another to go places alone.
• Manipulation: can include acting pitiable, creating guilty feelings in others, or blaming others for problems.

I have to say I am guilty of lots of sarcastic humor. I grew up in a family where sarcasm was considered funny and as an adult I often get caught in the same behavior towards my own loved ones. Although it seems funny at times--I know that it ultimately tears away at relationships and self esteem. I cannot remember ever being the butt of a joke and feeling better about myself as a result. Although sometimes this sarcasm felt like a way to connect with another person-it ultimately never left me feeling closer to that person.

Believe Yourself

Life has been going really well the last few weeks.  Its been an adventure for sure and I've been learning a lot about healing.  Recently I went through this process of...I'm not even sure what to call it.  There has always been a part of me that has doubted if the sexual abuse I was put through as a child really happened.  Often times studying childhood sexual abuse the topic of "false memories" will come up.  "In psychology, false memory refers to the recollection of an event, or the details of an event, that did not occur."  This has been something that has greatly troubled me and I've questioned did the abuse really happen to me, did I make it up, if I did what does that mean about me?!

Doubting myself and my memory has hindered my progression to heal but it has also saved me from feeling a lot of deep pain.

 

While attending a fireside about missionary work the Spirit hit me deeply and I realized the truth of what was being taught.  Something so simple had such a profound impact on me.  Just as investigators can pray and receive an answer to know for themselves if the church is true, I too can pray and ask my Father in Heaven if I some how made the abuse up, had false memories, or if it was all true.  I know in doing so I was also setting myself up for the pain that came with a confirmation that in fact, it really was true.

This revelation came softly while still striking me in the heart.  I knew in that moment that Heavenly Father could help me overcome this self doubt which was hindering my progression to heal.  If He loved other people so much to bless them, through the spirit, with feelings and knowledge of truth then He could do the very same for me even though it wasn't about a gospel topic.  The Holy Ghost is also referred to the Spirit of Truth.  Truth is truth.  Receiving light, knowledge, and truth is not merely limited to only spiritual things.

"He “witnesses of the Father and the Son” (2 Nephi 31:18) and reveals and teaches “the truth of all things” (Moroni 10:5). You can receive a sure testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ only by the power of the Holy Ghost. His communication to your spirit carries far more certainty than any communication you can receive through your natural senses." (True to the Faith, Holy Ghost)

It still frightens me to have a confirmation that such painful things really did happen to me and that someone who is suppose to love and care for me could do such horrible things.  Sometimes its easier to just think that those things are so horrible I had to have made them up however, that does not lead to healing.  Like we've said before, "You can't heal what you don't feel" and may I add believe.  

As I prayed and humbly asked Heavenly Father if my memories were real, if the abuse really happened, and if what I have claimed to be true for years was just that, true, tears ran down my face.  I did not have a grand "YES!" rather it was a soft subtle feeling that I already knew the answer deep down inside. 

Judging

One thing I've discovered is the great healing power that can come as we turn away our judgements.  Judging is also one of the greatest road blocks as well when we fail to stop unnecessary judging.  There are times in our lives we need to make judgements and that is not what I am referring to in this post.  

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I do things differently, am triggered, have a flashback, and sometimes just freak out.  When those around me judge my actions as selfish or weird it easily feeds into my own self believe that I truly am just that.

It is important for survivors to fight our own self judgement and instead fight to see ourselves as the Savior does.  Self-compassion is one of the greatest tools I've found (or have learned in counseling) to overcome the judgements we feel from the world, those around us, and ourselves.  

Believe in Good Things to Come

"No, it is not without a recognition of life’s tempests but fully and directly because of them that I testify of God’s love and the Savior’s power to calm the storm. Always remember in that biblical story that He was out there on the water also, that He faced the worst of it right along with the newest and youngest and most fearful. Only one who has fought against those ominous waves is justified in telling us—as well as the sea—to “be still.” Only one who has taken the full brunt of such adversity could ever be justified in telling us in such times to “be of good cheer.”  Such counsel is not a jaunty pep talk about the power of positive thinking, though positive thinking is much needed in the world. No, Christ knows better than all others that the trials of life can be very deep and we are not shallow people if we struggle with them. But even as the Lord avoids sugary rhetoric, He rebukes faithlessness and He deplores pessimism. He expects us to believe!"

"Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."
- An High Priest of Good Things to Come, Elder Jeffery R. Holland, Oct 1999

Is it selfishness or self love?

 

So with it being valentines day I thought I would of course talk about love. But today my focus is again on self love. I have never really liked Valentines day. I think it is a day that leaves the majority of people just feeling bad. Some feel sad and left out becuase they don't have a valentine. Others are feeling dissapointed becuase they have a valentine-but there is not alot of valentinesee feelings going on. Others get the flowers and the chocolates, but feel it is done out of duty. I just think that overall Valentines day is a let down for many.

For any of you who  might be feeling let down on this day I want to talk again about the importance of self compassion, self love and caring for self. As I was talking to my husband about the importance of putting self first-he had a question. He asked  how can you tell where the line is between self care and selfishness. I thought that was a really good question. Especially in the church where there are a multitude of messages saying to loose yourself in service. I just read one today from Elder Holland who is usually my favorite. He said "True Love blooms when we care more about another person than for ourself. "

I thought alot about this question and my answer is as follows,

We have to start with a foundation of mental, spiritual and physical health. We cannot truly give of ourself if we are not well to begin with. Our needs must come first . Not out of selfishness-but out of the reality that if we are not well- we do not have good things to give. Too often what we think is selflessness is instead codependency. They can look very similar. Codependancy involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Sound's altruistic, right? But in reality the codependent person is fixated on another person to validate their worth and gain aproval from another. Someone who may be codependent will constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed".

 

The line between codependency and compassion can be fuzzy because the intentions of both appear the same. However, while compassion promotes effective communication and mutual respect, codependency destroys the foundation of healthy relationships.

Here are a few really good questions from Therese Borchard -to ask yourself to determine if you are acting with compassion or codependency.

1. What are your intentions?

The word “compassion” is derived from Latin roots meaning “co-suffering.” Compassion goes beyond the emotion of empathy (ability to feel another’s pain) to actively want to alleviate another’s suffering. The intentions are motivated by love and selflessness. The underlying motive of codependency, on the other hand, is that of self-protection. The codependent person needs to be needed and is pursuing acceptance and safety. In that way, codependent activity — although seemingly charitable — is closer to selfish than selfless.

 

2. How do you feel, emotionally and physically?

Because codependency is a form of addiction – relationship addiction – it generates the hangover feeling that most addictions leave you with and deteriorates emotional and physical health. Compassion, on the other hand, promotes general health and well-being. In fact, recent studies show that compassion makes us feel good in a variety of ways. It activates pleasure brain circuits, secretes the “bonding” hormone oxytocin, slows down our heart rate, makes us more resilient to stress, and boosts our immune system.

 

3. Do you value the other person more than yourself?

Both compassion and codependency may involve attending to others’ needs. At times this requires personal sacrifice. However, a compassionate person continues to care for himself in the process; he or she never abandons himself in order to take care of another. A codependent person, on the other hand, discards his or her own needs, replacing them with the needs of the other person. Then he becomes bitter, resentful, and frustrated when there is nothing left for him at the end of the day.

 

4. Do you feel like you have a choice?

Codependent persons don’t have a choice — or at least they feel as though they don’t — in taking care of another person. There is an exaggerated sense of responsibility, a fear of abandonment by the other person if they don’t pull through. They are not performing free acts of charity as a compassionate person does. They are imprisoned by a sense that something terrible will happen if they don’t attend to another’s needs and do whatever they need to do to enable behavior, even if they acknowledge that it is destructive.

 

5. Is the relationship healthy?

Compassion strengthens the fibers of a relationship. Acts of selflessness contribute to mutual appreciation, effective communication, trust, and other key ingredients of successful relationships. Codependency, on the other hand, deteriorates the foundation of relationships, causing dependency, jealousy, bitterness, destructive behavior, poor communication, and a host of other problems. Codependency is usually found in relationships that were dysfunctional from the start, where one or both people are involved in destructive and addictive behavior.

 

6. Do you feel guilty?

Unlike compassion, codependency is associated with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt is often the motivating factor for decisions and behaviors within the relationship, even though they don’t make any logical sense.

 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/07/27/are-you-codependent-or-compassionate/

Of course the distinction between compassion and codependency isn’t always so clear. It takes alot of self awareness to think about our intentions. Are we taking over someone's responsibilities becuase we want to look good and let people know they can count on us. Are we not saying no when we are ask to do something, becuase we don't want someone to be mad at  us or look down on us? Are we doing things out of guilt or becuase we don't feel like we measure up? Are we overextending ourselves as a way too distract ourself from the pain or suffering we are feeling in another area of our lives. Or are we feeling healthy, happy and grateful-and want to share that joy with others. Have we taken time to nourish our spirt , body and emotions. When we do so - I think our natural reaction will be to  want to share that joy with others.

So back to my husbands question...how can you tell when you are just being selfish or you are needfully filling your own bucket? You tell me ....what do you think?